Accountability

Well, here it goes. I gave a bit of an intro in another thread, but I'll tell some context/history here and count this as Day 1 of no porn or other sexually addictive behaviors.

History
I'm in my 30s, married, no kids (and don't have plans to have them). For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with an addiction to porn, sexting, and tons of online sexual behavior. I've lived in shame my entire life and two months ago I took action to find a therapist to help me fix this problem and heal. When I was younger, I started looking at porn. While I can't pinpoint it, eventually that moved to watching cam girls, to eventually paying for cam girls, to then going on chat sites. Eventually, I had regular conversations with women on snapchat, kik, and texting. We'd sext, exchange pictures, etc. Until two months ago when I started therapy for this, I never told anyone. Even when I went to other therapists, I never addressed this issue.

When I started two months ago, I was most interested in stopping all of the behaviors that I deemed to be "adulterous." For me, that was the sexting, chat rooms, and things with another live human being. I wasn't necessarily worried about porn. But, I've now realized that it all stems from the same desire and it's important for me to stop it all.

For the past two months, I've watched my sexting behavior go down (almost non-existent) but my porn viewing go WAY up. So, today I'm going to start journaling and make this Day 1 of no porn. There are lots of triggers and reasons for how I got here... and I'll detail them in other channels. But, for now, I'm focusing on being happy I'm here and sharing my story and holding myself accountable.

I vow to do my best to ask for help when I need it.
I wanted to read your thread because you replied to mine and I wanted to see what similarities we are going through. I understand how porn is the basis of everything that leads us into what we do the Sexting the Snapchat the chats with live women it all stems from the root source of pornography. Though it might be a little too late for my marriage it’s never too late to change for myself to better my future as a person. As someone who is struggling with the same thing I’m happy to hear that you identify these issues and are willing to work to get better. I understand when you say how it lead you to chat rooms and other things in that nature. It’s a different type of high but it all again roots from the same base.
we are all here for each other keep the great progress up of bettering yourself for you and your marriage and you’ll begin to see the life that you want. Good luck my friend we are all behind you
 

tl23

Member
I wanted to read your thread because you replied to mine and I wanted to see what similarities we are going through. I understand how porn is the basis of everything that leads us into what we do the Sexting the Snapchat the chats with live women it all stems from the root source of pornography. Though it might be a little too late for my marriage it’s never too late to change for myself to better my future as a person. As someone who is struggling with the same thing I’m happy to hear that you identify these issues and are willing to work to get better. I understand when you say how it lead you to chat rooms and other things in that nature. It’s a different type of high but it all again roots from the same base.
we are all here for each other keep the great progress up of bettering yourself for you and your marriage and you’ll begin to see the life that you want. Good luck my friend we are all behind you
This means a lot. I’m here to support you and everyone I can here. Let me know if there’s anything I can ever do to help
 

tl23

Member
Day 46

It’s been a really stressful couple of weeks for various factors. But I’ve stayed consistent. I’m 46 days done with no PMO. I’m reminding myself how much progress it is to make it through stressful times without caving.

We can do this.
 

tl23

Member
Day 51

I’ve made it over 50! Can’t believe it, really. But I’m proud of myself and so grateful for finding this site and help in therapy.

I’ve been able to MO 5x with no P and each time has been better than any PMO…ever.

I still have urges. Sometimes stronger than others. Wonder for others who have made it longer than me — do the urges get easier?
 

tl23

Member
Have been quiet here but I’m now 62 days clean of any P or PMO.

I’ve been trying to be in control the best I can and some days I sense my urges, but more than anything I feel they’ve lessened.

Over the past month I’ve MOed ~10x and I’m actually shocked how much better things are without P.

I know I’ve got a long way to go - but day by day.
 

tl23

Member
Today is Day 73 and I’ve got some updates, and struggles.

This week was one of the hardest I’ve had since starting reboot. I’m still free of any PMO, but I’ve felt more temptation than normal.
  • I’ve noticed that my social media use at night is leaving me vulnerable to content that is very triggering. I haven’t gone on to watch anything, but I think sometimes the content itself can be stimulating and trigger other thoughts — which is half the battle.
  • I’ve caught myself in that zone of “wouldn’t it just be nice to, ________.” Blank could be any of the previous behaviors and things I’d watch.
So, while I’m proud of myself for not giving in — I know I need to keep working hard.

Here are some things I’m going to commit to this week:
  • Stop using TikTok all together.
  • Come onto reboot every time I am struggling, and engage with others in addition to journaling.
Appreciate everyone’s support on here. Always open to other thoughts/advice!
 

tl23

Member
Today is Day 85 and I’m staying strong! But wow sometimes this stuff is hard. I’ve been really aware of how quickly something can be a Psub.

Social Media is a tough one for me — but the silver lining is I’ve been really aware of not spiraling and can turn things off and realize it. That’s how I end up here.

I’m choosing to celebrate wins tonight that would have never happened 85 days ago:

- I have gone 85 days without any P. Without any sexting. Without any chat rooms.

- I have learned what a psub is, been aware how I might have used social media in the past to fill that need, and now have caught myself with the ability to stop and adjust behavior.

- I’m reading about addiction and learning about how important my recovery is.

We can do this, everyone.
 

tl23

Member
Wow, way to go bro! You're almost at 90, and you've worked so hard on this. So much to be proud of.
Today is 90!

I’ve never made it nearly this far before, so I’m excited, but I’m nervous, too. It’s become more “routine” to know that P is not an option — but it doesn’t meant the urge isn’t there sometimes. I think I’ve just improved my willpower.

Lately I’ve been really focusing on ways to keep my momentum going by finding ways to “fill the hole in my soul” as my therapist says.

I’m hopeful these hobbies can help give my mind something else to bring its attention to.

But, it’s uncharted territory.

For those who have made it to this stage, would love to hear from y’all!

- Anything that got harder? Easier?
- Anything surprise you?
- Any advice?
 

tl23

Member
An observation about triggers… (sharing mostly for myself)

When I started this journey, I was intentional about thinking about my drinking as I perceived it to be a trigger. In the beginning, when the urges were much more challenging to manage, I abstained from drinking almost altogether.

But, gradually I’ve allowed myself to have 1-2 drinks with my wife occasionally when we wish.

What I want to reflect on is how triggering alcohol can be.

Today is Day 91, and I’m here because I’m choosing to be strong and abstain from PMO. But, I’m also here because I’m triggered and feel the urge. I think it’s just the normal feeling. The normal feeling that comes with a drink where your inhibitions are weaker and your mind wanders.

I don’t feel like I’m in a place with my drinking where I need to stop. I’m a pretty occasional drinker… and never drink to a point of getting drunk (most is 2-3 drinks in one sitting).

But, I do need to be aware of how it impacts my triggers. I’m lucky to be strong tonight - but I recognize that might not always be the case.
 

tl23

Member
101 Days

Honestly sometimes can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I would not have made it without reading other stories on here and the early support of lots of people on this forum. So, thank you. I’ve got a long way to go — but I’m proud of where I am at.

Currently, I’m reading a book called Dopamine Nation. It’s the second book I’ve read that talks more broadly about addiction. I’m finding it super interesting to hear stories about other addictions like alcoholism, drug addiction, and, sex addiction, too. There are lots of parallels and in addition to normalizing things, it’s also helpful to remind myself where I want to be and why I quit.

Porn is not an option.
 

Awareness

Member
That is really a great book. I also find it significant that it starts with the story of a sex addict among all the other addictions.
 
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