Becoming my best self

wrijak

Member
Hello everyone,

I'm 23 years old, and I've been on this recovery journey for about the past 3 years. I first found porn when I was around 11 and been addicted since then. Worst was probably around my late high school years when I used PMO at least 3 or more times a day. I realized there was something wrong with me - I was isolated, socially anxious, I never dated, and was unmotivated to do anything - but I never made the connection since I knew a lot of my friends were also using it. First time I heard about nofap was around college and I've been trying it (on and off) since then.

I've been a member of RecoveryNation.com since January 2021, and also completed their workshop. It's an amazing website that focuses on health-based recovery, and it taught me so much - not only about my addiction, but about improving my life in general. I've learned so much from there (putting it into practice though is another story). And the coaches there are also great. However the community on their forum is pretty small, and recently their site has been really buggy and for about the past month I wasn't even able to put a post there, which which wasn't really great because I've been going through a lot of slips recently. Thus I found this forum and decided to join here.

My recent journey has had ups and downs. At the beginning of this year I had my longest streak ever - around 72 days - and I relapsed in March. It hit my confidence a lot and for the past month I've been struggling to stay clean for a week. But at the same time it's also been a bit eye opening. It showed me some things missing in my strategy, and I realize there's still a lot of deficits in my life that I need to fix, and things I need to focus on in my life vision, otherwise I'll never be able to replace this addiction. Largest one is probably my dating life. I've been single for about 3 years now, and the relationships I had were terrible and short anyway. I've been addicted since I was 11-12 and socialy anxious for most of my teens, and porn just ruined me. I have done progress, over the past year I've become way more confident and way less socially anxious, however I'm still far from my goal. Dating, sex and intimacy is still pretty much nonexistent in my life, and I realize that this is intimacy problem is one of the main reasons I can't let go of porn. So this is just something I need to focus on at the same time as recovery, otherwise this will be an infinite fight.

Past few weeks pulled me backwards a bit. Now I'm back at day 1. However I am prepared kick this addiction. First week I'm planning to mainly focus on my discipline and organisation - I have planned the next few days from morning to evening in my calendar, I want to get back into working out, and journal every evening.

What is my goal from this journal?
- My plan was to just do random posts, however after reading some other journals I see a lot of guys do daily posts for the first 90 days. I never liked tracking days, I always saw this as a long-term journey. However I think for the first 90 days it could be beneficial and keep me accountable, so I'll give it a shot.
- I'm still not entirely certain if I will go completely no-PMO. My goal is mainly to go pornfree, and I think healthy masturbation and authentic sexuality is still important. However I will need to be careful around this, so at least lets say first 30 days I will go completely no-PMO.
- This shouldn't even be mentioned, however I have been guilty of this before at the other forum - my goal is to be completely honest here if I relapse or if I even peek! No guilt or shame, otherwise this journal is pointless.

Day 1 starts now, I will be back tommorrow. Let's do this!
 
Last edited:

wrijak

Member
Day 2
Had a dream this night that I was relapsing haha. This happens quite often to me when starting new streak, so I know it's nothing to worry about, although I do always wake up with a bit of confusion and shame.
Today was slightly stressful with college stuff, and tommorow might be aswell, but tried to remain organized, and also decided to reward myself at the end of the day (played videogame for like an hour and half). It was actually probably the first time after a couple months I played a videogame, but I think a mistake I have made in previous streaks was almost forbidding myself having any kind of fun, so thought it wouldn't be a bad idea in small doses.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 3
Stressful day and had to work on project till late evening because of coming deadline. Overall though I feel fairly balanced, and have had no urges. But need to tread carefully, and tomorrow give myself some deserved rest.
 

altfacezz

Member
keep on the grind man. I am on the same track. Let's get through this together. Always remember that the feeling that you have after relapse sucks more than the stress you would relieve with it. I hope you have a great day.
 

wrijak

Member
Thanks a lot altfacezz for your support, means a lot!

Day 4 + 5
Yesterday was pretty hard. Came home late and was tired, so didn't do my journal.
This night/morning I noticed some subtle urges and fantasizing - to be expected after the hard day before. Today I decided to keep myself busy but not too much, did some yoga in the evening, and relaxed after. Now feeling much better!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 6
Doing great today! Evening I'm going to a college event, which is nice because I've been a bit isolated in the past few days mostly working and barely socializing. Gotta be careful though if I return late in the evening, since I know from past experiences that's when a few relapses happened.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 7
So I MO'd today. Strange story, I went on a hike by myself today to relax in nature and clear my head, and I was sitting next to a lake, pretty much in the middle of nowhere so there was no one around (haven't seen any people for hours) and got a spontaneous idea to MO. Don't know how this came to me haha. I suppose I had this idea that masturbation was always something isolating I did hidden away in a locked room and was ashamed of, and it could be interesting to do it in outdoors. Don't feel bad about it, it was definitely an interesting experience, and was completely clean, so I'm still on my porn-free streak, (didn't even use fantasy).

Although I won't lie there was a sense of guilt that I MO'd only a week into my streak - although I wasn't planning to do complete hardmode nofap, I wanted to stay without orgasm at least first month. And I wasn't even horny or anything, it was just random. But well, nothing I can do now. I need to be especially aware of urges in following days.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 8
Some thoughts about yesterday's MO. I had some conflicts during the day with what I did - part of me saying it's natural, good, other part of me feeling ashamed, thinking what if someone saw me... and I don't know. I did however feel some effects from the MO, both positive and negative. For a bit I felt almost a sense of liberation and confidence. But afterwards I felt really drained, and later I wasn't really relaxed from the hike at all, and I felt kind of stressed in the evening and also in the morning. Oh yeah, and I also had a wet dream during the night. I suppose it was definitely too soon in the streak, and I should probably wait with masturbation for at least a couple weeks or even months.
 

Recovery Will Come

Active Member
Keep on pushing!!! Starting my official reboot for the first time in 5 years.. Went 10 weeks without PMO then relapsed by going back on social media.. Even then I could feel a huge difference.. Porn isn’t worth it trust me we’ll get though this together!!!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 9
Had a productive day, but man college plus recovery is sure sometimes hard 😅 especially now with all the coming deadlines.
When I came home today I was exhausted after working on project since morning, lied down and binged like 4 episodes of a TV show. After a while of being plugged into my TV I felt the urges, so I stopped. Should I have stopped sooner? Probably. Problem was that when I arrived home I didn't really have any plan for the evening, so in my mind I could waste time. I definitely need some relaxing, however I still need to do some work tonight for a meeting I have tommorow. Don't feel like it. But well... rest of the week after tommorow should be chill.

Good thing though that since I'm busy, there's very minimal chance I could relapse today. And I know that relapsing would make everything 10× worse. Doesn't however mean that I can't relapse tommorow, or day after, so need to watch out for upcoming days. And for next few days I need to have my days planned out in my calendar.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 10
Doing good. Yesterday evening I went to sleep really late and felt like shit in the morning, but in the afternoon I meditated and now I feel way better.
 

wrijak

Member
Stick to your 30 day goal bro! Make sure you see this one through 🤙🏼 Nice work with the mediation, how do you do it?
Thanks bro! I usually do a short meditation every morning concentrating on my breath. But sometimes when I'm stressed during the day I also do a body scan meditation, spending maybe 1hr or more going through my body and relaxing it. Helps a lot with urges too.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 11
Similar day to yesterday. Was working on project in library and came home bit stressed. Actually at one point noticed some strong urges. Meditated again and feel better now, but definitely this is not sustainable. Looking forward to the weekend to plan at least one day completely off!

These times when semester projects are coming to end were always hardest for me, and in the past I would usually relapse at least a couple times. But I feel focused and motivated now, not planning to fail this time!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 13
Spent whole day relaxing, which was nice, though not in the healthiest ways. The entire afternoon I just sort of wasted watching netflix.
I guess it shows I was a bit burned out after the week! Tommorow I will try be a bit more disciplined.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Meditated again and feel better now, but definitely this is not sustainable.

You might feel that way now, but you're absolutely on the right track. If you're stressed and need to clear your mind, meditation and/or exercise are your best options. Or even better: spend some time with friends and classmates. Anything to get you away from the usual patterns that lead you to porn.

Think of it this way: PMO isn't going to solve any of your problems, it will only make them worse. Stay strong and keep it up, wrijak. You're doing great so far!

And if you need some (scary) encouragement, think about this. I'm 53, and I've had a porn addiction for longer than you've been alive. Take it from me: if you don't defeat the addiction now when you're young, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 14
Spent whole day working today. Noticed an urge in the evening, or more like previous thought pattern luring me to porn. I just watched the urge. Why was it there? I guess one reason might be I spent the whole weekend a bit isolated, pretty much only talked to my roommate. Urge was gone fast, but this is just something to think about in the next week.
 
Last edited:

wrijak

Member
Day 17
Had some problems today with motivation and laziness. I wanted to do a bit of work, but for the first half of the day I was in a bit of a rut and just procrastinated on my computer. I decided that I mainly need some time of the screen, so I went for a walk into the woods for a few hours, finished an audiobook, and then did a quick workout in the park.

Feeling good now, but I need to be a bit more careful with my screen time. I realise that even though I've succesfully haven't watched porn for over two weeks, I'm just constantly stimulating myself and replacing the addiction. Even now, before wanting to do this journal, I turned on my computer and found myself just surfing mindlessly for like 20 minutes. Right now I will turn of all screens for the rest of the evening and just do some reading/meditation/stretching. I will try be more aware of my screen time and procrastinating in the following days, and report how I'm doing here.
 
Top