Recovery journal - Becoming my best self

I realise that even though I've succesfully haven't watched porn for over two weeks, I'm just constantly stimulating myself and replacing the addiction.

Yes, yes, yes. I have noticed this myself, and I'm sure a lot of others have, too. We're a society that likes to mindlessly scroll and find something that amuses us. We might not be checking out porn, but the behaviour and weird psychological paths are the same. Keep up those walks in the woods, buddy!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 18
Thanks for the input TryingHarder, completely agree! I've noticed these polyaddictions in previous streaks too.

Today I worked in the library to avoid the same distractions as yesterday. After I came home I had the instinct to go look into some screen but decided not to do it. There was anxiety for a bit, thinking what the hell am I going to do instead for the whole evening (similar to when I have urge to watch porn). But after a while there was stillness, calmness, I could just go sit outside and enjoy the day. It seems almost funny how for some reason my mind keeeps trying to escape from this stillness, but then when I do experience it, it feels so great.

I did watch one episode of a show I'm watching, but only after I excercised, read few chapters in my book, and cooked dinner. Felt like it won't hurt if I do it later in the day as a reward, and not mindlessly. It's only when I do it mindlessly when it hurts.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 20
Went to a party yesterday where I did drink a bit. Mornings after drinking were always risky for me. Not just because of the hangover. I usually try to keep the alcohol to the minimum, so it's not that bad anyway. But more notably there are always these feelings of emptiness, guilt, anxiety ... perfect ingredients for relapses. Today went smooth though! Apart from the fact that I slept in a few hours and some small laziness in the morning, I managed to keep some discipline, ate pretty much healthy, went outside, and then went to do some work in the library, and overall it felt like any other day.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 22
Ok I had a close one today. I was downloading an e-book from a website (perhaps not entirely legaly) and had a VPN on, and suddenly on the website I saw a link for porn file. I realized that since I had the VPN on, my porn blocker didn't work, I suppose it goes around the DNS. Suddenly there was this anxiety that all that keeps me from peeking is one click, and there is no porn blocker to stop me. And there were these thoughts, curiosity what the porn is about.. maybe I could just look at the title screen, or look at some of screenshots from the scene, that can't hurt, just to see what it's about. I didn't do it. However a name of the actress was in the title, and I thought it sounded familiar so I typed it into google. Not to look at any of her scenes, just see her face, to remind myself. When I saw what links popped up in google, I suddenly realized what was happening, and almost woke up from my transe state. My mind is bulshitting me. I closed all the tabs immediately.

I din't peek or anything, however I realize this was a small slip. I stopped myself now, but had I been in a different state of mind, perhaps I wouldn't be able to stop. Actually this VPN thing caused a relapse for me about 1-2 months ago, shortly after I first installed the blocker. But I had forgot about it since then so it caught me by surprise. Well let this be a learning lesson for me - next time I will use a VPN I will try and be aware that there is this danger and anticipate it. I know that eventually I will want to be able to stay clean even without relying on a porn blocker, however this shows me how important it is for me at this stage.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 23
Doing good but however woke up feeling a bit sick today, which threw me off my routine a bit. In the afternoon I didn't feel like doing much, didn't want to work out, so I just procrastinated. No urges though so far. Gonna get some rest to recover, and push through it.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 24
Yesterday night and today morning was pretty tough for me after feeling sick and tired for most of the day. Before sleep I was watching some ASMR on youtube ... nothing erotic at all, however I realize my mind sometimes substitues these types of videos for porn, and it has caused me relapses in the past. These asmr videos are by themselves cool and relaxing in my opinion, however asmr youtubers are often attractive girls and it is sexualized a lot, my mind has connected it to porn too much, so it wasn't a good idea. Even if nothing happened it was very risky. Next time I should find some time to meditate, or just go to sleep instead. This morning it continued ... I probably had a sexual dream during the night, so when I woke up I had some strong fantasizing about a girl. Not even a girl I had neccesarily thought about this way before or had a crush on, more like a friend, so that was a weird fantasy to pop up. Most likely this was caused by the evening before.

During the day I however felt much better. I pretty much recovered, and even went for a workout today. Right now it's 9:30PM so I will turn of all devices, chill a bit, and prepare to go to bed. This week started a bit rocky, but I'm going to focus and get back on track 💪
 

wrijak

Member
Day 25
Had a wet dream tonight. Feeling good. The libido has been high in past days, to be expected. I see my body and mind is adapting.

I will be on a trip for the next couple days so probably won't be journaling. Will be going with a group of 7 other friends and we will be sharing both cruise cabin and hostel, so I don't expect any dangers of relapsing. There could be danger after returning, because I will have a lot of work. Will report in a few days.
 
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