Becoming my best self

wrijak

Member
Day 76
Yesterday during the night I had a wet dream, during which I dreamed about relapsing to porn. It's interesting, just when it starts feeling like porn or urges about it are pretty much nonexistent in my life, suddenly this happens. There was some brief guilt and anxiety when waking up, but then there was relief realizing it was just a dream and I'm still doing good with my recovery. Nothing to worry about of course, but it is a good reminder that danger of falling back to old habits is still here. Recovery still continues.

I have a girlfriend now, which turned my recovery around a bit, but mostly to the good. It's the first girl I'm dating since I started recovery, and it's nice to see some of the positive changes that happened to me since previous relationships. For example before I used to be very needy and attached, and used to compulsively lust for sex similary I would lust for porn. I was basically unable to cuddle with a girl without needing to have sex with her. Now I feel much more in control, and am able to show some restrain, which I believe shows a bit more attractive trait. There are some problems though - flatline is definitely a thing, although the second time it was a bit better, so I will see how that goes.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 98 (without porn)
I have finally reached my goal of 90 days without porn! In the end it wasn't what I expected, since in the past weeks I was either traveling or I was so focused on other things... I went past my 90 day goal without even realizing (hence day 98 now).

It wasn't perfect. I orgasmed multiple times, few times from sex, few times from wet dreams, few times from masturbating. Having sex with my girlfriend helped a lot, maybe even for some could be considered cheating. But anyway it wasn't my goal to go completely no PMO. It's now the longest I've ever been without porn (before my longest time was about ~50 days) so I'm very happy about that.

Having this journal helped me a lot in the beginning to get out of the rut I was at the moment, and it did help me to stay accountable during the rest of the streak. The journey is not over though. Recently I was so focused on other things, I did get a bit lazy. Not only with this journal but I also cut back on other things like working out, meditating, and I've been letting more and more procrastination sneak into my life. And it shows, I've had more urges to MO recently, and this morning I had a wet dream about relapsing to porn again. I need to become a bit more proactive again, so I will probably try to write my journal more often now.
 
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