Becoming my best self

[wrijak]

Day 76
Yesterday during the night I had a wet dream, during which I dreamed about relapsing to porn. It's interesting, just when it starts feeling like porn or urges about it are pretty much nonexistent in my life, suddenly this happens. There was some brief guilt and anxiety when waking up, but then there was relief realizing it was just a dream and I'm still doing good with my recovery. Nothing to worry about of course, but it is a good reminder that danger of falling back to old habits is still here. Recovery still continues.

I have a girlfriend now, which turned my recovery around a bit, but mostly to the good. It's the first girl I'm dating since I started recovery, and it's nice to see some of the positive changes that happened to me since previous relationships. For example before I used to be very needy and attached, and used to compulsively lust for sex similary I would lust for porn. I was basically unable to cuddle with a girl without needing to have sex with her. Now I feel much more in control, and am able to show some restrain, which I believe shows a bit more attractive trait. There are some problems though - flatline is definitely a thing, although the second time it was a bit better, so I will see how that goes.

 

[wrijak]

Day 98 (without porn)
I have finally reached my goal of 90 days without porn! In the end it wasn't what I expected, since in the past weeks I was either traveling or I was so focused on other things... I went past my 90 day goal without even realizing (hence day 98 now).

It wasn't perfect. I orgasmed multiple times, few times from sex, few times from wet dreams, few times from masturbating. Having sex with my girlfriend helped a lot, maybe even for some could be considered cheating. But anyway it wasn't my goal to go completely no PMO. It's now the longest I've ever been without porn (before my longest time was about ~50 days) so I'm very happy about that.

Having this journal helped me a lot in the beginning to get out of the rut I was at the moment, and it did help me to stay accountable during the rest of the streak. The journey is not over though. Recently I was so focused on other things, I did get a bit lazy. Not only with this journal but I also cut back on other things like working out, meditating, and I've been letting more and more procrastination sneak into my life. And it shows, I've had more urges to MO recently, and this morning I had a wet dream about relapsing to porn again. I need to become a bit more proactive again, so I will probably try to write my journal more often now.

 

[wrijak]

Not happy to be back here again, but decided it's for the best.

Since my last post I have reached about 140+ days porn free. Very proud of that goal, it's been my biggest progress from this addiction since I was a teen. A lot of things have changed during this last streak. I have a girlfried with whom I've been for around 3 months now, I finished most of my university courses and started working regulary, also been looking for my own apartment.

About a month ago I broke my streak and relapsed. I regret not getting back to this forum immediately. I suppose at that time I had this belief that it was just a one time thing that I could deal with. I've been doing good with other parts of my life, so I didn't pay much attention to it.

But now over the past month I can see how, with me not paying attention to it, the addiction has been slowly creeping back into my life. I didn't get back to porn immediately - in the beginning I perhaps started fantasizing a bit more often, sometimes having the urge and did MO. A couple times I slipped to porn again (perhaps 5× in the past month, but maybe more). This past week has been especially stresful and I peeked at porn on wednesday. Then yesterday I binged to porn for about an hour. That's when it hit me that I'm back into the addiction.

Now that I'm writing this I can see the mistakes I did. I kept it all for myself and let the addiction grow. Perhaps I was overly confident about my previous streak, and didn't believe that it could return. Well, I'm not doing that mistake now, I clearly still have things to learn. And I'm not getting back to this addiction.

In the past month I could see clearly how it affected me. I became more lazy with my habits and goals - that's one thing. But mainly I could see how it affected my relationship. I have noticed being less affectionate, fantasizing more about other girls, needing more from her, using sex less as something passionate as it used to be before, and more as a "masturbation tool". So far it hasn't reached the point that I ruined anything, but it's just a matter of time. I'll not let that happen, I will become better for her. But I will also become better for myself.


Day 1
My plan so far is to get back to daily (or at least regular) journaling. Sharing my ups and downs, and not hiding anything.
Honesty is important during the addiction. I realize I will have to tell my girlfriend about this. I have told her before about my porn addiction in the past. However I've been hiding for the past month, worried what she would think. But I will have to tell her. Will keep you updated about that.

 

[wrijak]

Day 4
Doing ok so far. Yesterday I came home late and was a bit tired and stressed. I couldn't sleep, so I thought about watching some ASMR videos - wasn't a good idea. After a while of clicking from video to video, I realized I am just looking for a hit, similary to porn, so I stopped.
Need to find some other habits to de-stress in the evenings. Stress is a big trigger for me.

Noticed a bit of resistance to journaling. A part of me would rather I keep all my thoughts to myself, deal with this alone. But at this point that would be a recipe for relapse. Something keeping me accountable is important, at least for now.