Becoming my best self

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I realise that even though I've succesfully haven't watched porn for over two weeks, I'm just constantly stimulating myself and replacing the addiction.

Yes, yes, yes. I have noticed this myself, and I'm sure a lot of others have, too. We're a society that likes to mindlessly scroll and find something that amuses us. We might not be checking out porn, but the behaviour and weird psychological paths are the same. Keep up those walks in the woods, buddy!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 18
Thanks for the input TryingHarder, completely agree! I've noticed these polyaddictions in previous streaks too.

Today I worked in the library to avoid the same distractions as yesterday. After I came home I had the instinct to go look into some screen but decided not to do it. There was anxiety for a bit, thinking what the hell am I going to do instead for the whole evening (similar to when I have urge to watch porn). But after a while there was stillness, calmness, I could just go sit outside and enjoy the day. It seems almost funny how for some reason my mind keeeps trying to escape from this stillness, but then when I do experience it, it feels so great.

I did watch one episode of a show I'm watching, but only after I excercised, read few chapters in my book, and cooked dinner. Felt like it won't hurt if I do it later in the day as a reward, and not mindlessly. It's only when I do it mindlessly when it hurts.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 20
Went to a party yesterday where I did drink a bit. Mornings after drinking were always risky for me. Not just because of the hangover. I usually try to keep the alcohol to the minimum, so it's not that bad anyway. But more notably there are always these feelings of emptiness, guilt, anxiety ... perfect ingredients for relapses. Today went smooth though! Apart from the fact that I slept in a few hours and some small laziness in the morning, I managed to keep some discipline, ate pretty much healthy, went outside, and then went to do some work in the library, and overall it felt like any other day.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 22
Ok I had a close one today. I was downloading an e-book from a website (perhaps not entirely legaly) and had a VPN on, and suddenly on the website I saw a link for porn file. I realized that since I had the VPN on, my porn blocker didn't work, I suppose it goes around the DNS. Suddenly there was this anxiety that all that keeps me from peeking is one click, and there is no porn blocker to stop me. And there were these thoughts, curiosity what the porn is about.. maybe I could just look at the title screen, or look at some of screenshots from the scene, that can't hurt, just to see what it's about. I didn't do it. However a name of the actress was in the title, and I thought it sounded familiar so I typed it into google. Not to look at any of her scenes, just see her face, to remind myself. When I saw what links popped up in google, I suddenly realized what was happening, and almost woke up from my transe state. My mind is bulshitting me. I closed all the tabs immediately.

I din't peek or anything, however I realize this was a small slip. I stopped myself now, but had I been in a different state of mind, perhaps I wouldn't be able to stop. Actually this VPN thing caused a relapse for me about 1-2 months ago, shortly after I first installed the blocker. But I had forgot about it since then so it caught me by surprise. Well let this be a learning lesson for me - next time I will use a VPN I will try and be aware that there is this danger and anticipate it. I know that eventually I will want to be able to stay clean even without relying on a porn blocker, however this shows me how important it is for me at this stage.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 23
Doing good but however woke up feeling a bit sick today, which threw me off my routine a bit. In the afternoon I didn't feel like doing much, didn't want to work out, so I just procrastinated. No urges though so far. Gonna get some rest to recover, and push through it.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 24
Yesterday night and today morning was pretty tough for me after feeling sick and tired for most of the day. Before sleep I was watching some ASMR on youtube ... nothing erotic at all, however I realize my mind sometimes substitues these types of videos for porn, and it has caused me relapses in the past. These asmr videos are by themselves cool and relaxing in my opinion, however asmr youtubers are often attractive girls and it is sexualized a lot, my mind has connected it to porn too much, so it wasn't a good idea. Even if nothing happened it was very risky. Next time I should find some time to meditate, or just go to sleep instead. This morning it continued ... I probably had a sexual dream during the night, so when I woke up I had some strong fantasizing about a girl. Not even a girl I had neccesarily thought about this way before or had a crush on, more like a friend, so that was a weird fantasy to pop up. Most likely this was caused by the evening before.

During the day I however felt much better. I pretty much recovered, and even went for a workout today. Right now it's 9:30PM so I will turn of all devices, chill a bit, and prepare to go to bed. This week started a bit rocky, but I'm going to focus and get back on track 💪
 

wrijak

Member
Day 25
Had a wet dream tonight. Feeling good. The libido has been high in past days, to be expected. I see my body and mind is adapting.

I will be on a trip for the next couple days so probably won't be journaling. Will be going with a group of 7 other friends and we will be sharing both cruise cabin and hostel, so I don't expect any dangers of relapsing. There could be danger after returning, because I will have a lot of work. Will report in a few days.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 30
Returned from my trip, actually already yesterday but had a lot of work. The trip was a lot of fun and I feel great overall. But have to say, it has been pretty hard, especially when I arrived home, and had a lot to catch up on. And also during the trip. I was with friends 24/7 so there were not many chances of relapsing, but at some points the urges were strong. I find that as I'm on holiday my mind keeps coming up with different fantasies - for example I'm in a new country, and my brain is thinking "I wonder what this countries porn looks like". Satisfying the fantasies like this is something I got used to in the past, and for sure it is tempting, I will not deny that. When I have some specific fantasies, it makes the urges so much harder to manage, since it gives an additional element of curiosity, and makes it easier for my brain to rationalise it. So far though I've been doing ok. I just have to keep reminding myself that although there are temptations, this is just not aligned with the person I want to be. Tomorrow I will start getting back into my routines.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 31
I was wery close to relapsing this morning, pretty much only thing that stopped me was my porn blocker.

I was working all day yesterday finishing a report for uni, and planned having a rest for today. Went to sleep really late and was just watching stuff on youtube. Was watching asmr again, which wasn't a good idea - I was writing about the same problem here just a week ago. Found out a youtuber I was watching had an onlyfans, but didn't do anything at that time and decided to go to sleep. This morning however I woke up really late and haven't had anything planned, and didn't feel like getting out of bed. Was exhausted after yesterday. Then I remembered the onlyfans again and started googling for triggering pictures of her. My porn blocker didn't allow me to open anything erotic. Wasn't even thinking about turning the blocker off. I suppose I was just trying to see if I can somehow cheat it, or push its limits, while at the same time feeling "safe" and not having to reset my streak.

Spend maybe like 5-10 minutes doing this, plus watching the asmr videos on YT. After a while I stopped, got out of bed and got a cold shower and pulled myself together a bit. I feel annoyed that I have tried to cheat around it this way. Didn't see any nudity, but did spend minutes staring at everything that was barely on the SFW line. Streak is still going I guess, but I know this was a big slip up and shouldn't happen again.

I suppose however this is somewhat eyeopening for me. I realize that I probably have some feelings and emotions going around that caused me to push the limits like this. I've been very busy with uni work for the past few weeks, but that actually wasn't going that bad and I've been dealing with it. My discipline and motivation has been fluctuating a bit after my trip with friends. There has been some frustration and loneliness about relationships (or lack of them). And I'm not working on fixing this problem at all. I downloaded some dating apps few days ago, but I already have a feeeling that is going nowhere, and will probably delete them soon again. Overall there are some negative thought patterns going on, that I have to explore. Since I'm having a rest day I will probably do some deep journaling, meditate a bit and go for a workout.
 
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wrijak

Member
Day 32
After my almost-relapse yesterday I actually feel pretty good today. It made me self-reflect a bit and in the end it gave me some insights and a new sense of motivation. One realization I had is how much I am missing any kind of self-love in my life. It's crazy much this porn addiction has drained out of me, and made me an unhappy zombie, going through life 24/7 full of self-pity. And even now 3 years into recovery I am still struggling, although I got to say it is way better now then when I was fully into my addiction.
But this is exactly the reason to continue, and not make this streak fail. I have a vision - becoming my best self, going through my life full of joy, feeling happiness the same way I did when I was a child before all this shit. I will get there.
 

wrijak

Member
Saw this quote by Neil Strauss which really resonated with me, especially with what I was writing yesterday:

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Reminded me also of this chapter I once read in the book Psycho-Cybernetics, about how happiness is not something that is in the future, but it is a habit or state of mind, which can be developed right now. I feel like a lot of my goals are thing I want to achieve IN ORDER to be happy after. I will be happy after I reach 90 days, after I have a relationship, once I finish my university, etc. I'm forgetting about the main goal, which is to be happy now.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 34
I feel like in my streaks I never experience the usual symptoms like flatline or mood swings. I get the occasional wet dream but that's it. I guess the reason is that I've been trying this for so long, and this is far from my first streak. My first about 50+day streak was almost 3 years ago. I might've had those symptoms then but I'm not sure.

What I do usually experience though at this time (30+days) is this growing tension inside me. Almost like a light trying to shine out of me. I remember in my earlier streaks this was uncomfortably unbearable. I was tense the whole day and didn't know what to do with it, and ultimately it led to a relapse. I notice however that everytime it gets easier and in the past months I am starting to more and more enjoy it. During my addiction I would numb myself with porn and didn't feel anything at all, and now I'm actually feeling and I'm getting used to it. Sometimes it's still a lot, but I notice that when I embrace it, it's what makes me want to do stuff, reach out to people, and be more confident. I wonder if anyone has similar experiences.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 37
Finished my last uni exam yesterday and my semester is over. This is pretty significant for me, since it was my last semester at uni ever (only my thesis left). After that is a new stage of life. It is exciting and I'm looking forward to it, but scary at the same time. I will need to figure out WTF is my purpose and what I want to do in this life. I have some ideas. I am noticing however a lot of thoughts and feelings come and go. Will need to do some journaling and clear my mind a bit.

Yesterday I deiced to treat myself to a healthy MO. My plan was to go completely hardmode for first 30 days, and it has been about a month now, so it felt fitting after my last exam. It was good and I focused only on sensations, everytime my mind came up with any thoughts, I focused back on the sensations, like medtiating. Haven't noticed any negative effects on me, or any urges to do it with porn, which is great 👍
 

wrijak

Member
Day 43
Had a friend visiting over the weekend so didn't have time to journal, but the past few days have been ok with no urges.
Also met a girl a few days ago and we seemed to hit it off a bit, gonna see where it goes after first date. Perhaps somewhere, perhaps not, but nonethless I was glad to see the progress that I felt way more confident talking with girls than I would before.
Almost half-way now to day 90 and the days going by fast, feeling better and better!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 45
Half way to 90!
Even though I usually never cared about counting days (it's been 45 days now, but the real journey started almost 3 years ago), it will be a great to finally reach this milestone. And I think that about this streak I'm feeling better than ever before.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 51
Still doing great. I am realizing I don't really have the need to post everyday, so I will just check in every couple days, perhaps return to daily posts later if I feel like I am having a tough time.
 

wrijak

Member
Day 60
Checking in. Honestly these days are going by fast! I've had a lot going on these past days. I have done a few trips after my school semester ended, I am soon moving back to my home town and gonna be looking for a new apartment, and also have been one a few dates with one girl.
Right now it almost seems like there hasn't been a single thought or urge about porn in about 20+ days. I have however noticed a lot of fantasizing lately. It does seem healthier than porn, since it's thoughts about real women, but I have to be careful about it since it can still be compulsive. Can't be kidding myself, my addict brain is still here, I just have a lot of other things going so it's not showing. But perhaps it will sometimes in the future. No time to become complacent, will still keep fighting!
 

wrijak

Member
Day 71
Yesterday I had sex first time with the girl I've been dating for the couple past weeks. Was also the first time since I started this streak. Really was looking forward to it, since I really like her, but it ended up being a bit disappointing when I couldn't get it up most of the time 😅 Was kind of unexpected, since I never had ED problems before (I have always had problem with orgasming during sex though). I was also sober.

Could it be flatline perhaps? I suppose then it would be a good sign since it means I'm still recovering. Not sure if I should talk about it with her, but might have to if it continues for long. Anyone got similar experience?
 

anubu0

Active Member
Hey man. Just take it slow, you're probably in the flatline. Maybe focus more on just cuddling and kissing and when you are ready (aka the hog has woken) go fo it.
 
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