For Freedom

Rumson

Rumson

Member
So, here it goes, the public confession although anonymous.

I am 32 years old and I've been addicted in some form to pornography since my early teens. I think my first exposure to it all was from friends and the rest is history. I thought I could quit at any time and later in life I realized my willpower was not enough.

I've only had one serious relationship in my life and I have felt unworthy to even try and pursue another relationship. My lack of self-confidence was/is not helping. I've realized that pornography has affected the way I see ladies and I have sexual thoughts quite often. Ashamedly, I have even thought of recording some ladies with a phone without them knowing. Yet I am the same person who knows it is wrong and shameful, yet I'm the very person who did this..

These lows are a part of how I realized how much I've fallen. This isn't who I am, this isn't who my parents raised and the people around me see the good in me yet I have been a hypocrite in so many ways. I've been watching YouTube videos (such as Gary Wilson's - The great porn experiment) and browsing forums today and I decided to share my story here.

I used porn yesterday because I was bored and I usually use it to feel better but today is Day 1 of no porn.

My triggers:
Nudity in movies.
Ladies on Instagram showing off too much.


I wish to start a reboot and start a new chapter in my life free from porn. I applied for professional counseling starting this week and I hope that I can share a story of success with you all soon.

I wish to be a better man, and hopefully a husband and father and at the very least, I hope to help younger men avoid the same mistakes and avoid this pit and void that porn creates.

What are some realistic expectations I can have? I don't want to relapse but it seems to be a common theme. How do I avoid them?
 
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Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 2, going strong, spending the day amongst people and so temptations are non-existent. Lots of ladies around with really short skirts but I've made a note of avoiding them and looking somewhere else. I realize appreciating beauty is fine but for me right now, it'll lead to lingering thoughts and cause me to tempted to find things online later.

I found this read very interesting and recommended it to anyone passing through. It's about the neural pathways of addiction and about the triggers we experience:

oceanrecoverycentre.com

The Ultimate Guide to Overcoming Internet Porn Addiction

In this article, we describe how Internet porn addiction affects your brain. We also offer strategies for overcoming Internet porn addiction for good.
oceanrecoverycentre.com oceanrecoverycentre.com
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Hi and welcome to the start of a new healthier and freer you.

I can relate to conflicting views within yourself. I was guilty of using many people for my addiction but that does not fit into my true views on how I want to live.
These conflicting thoughts is cognitive dissonance.

I use to visualise all the addiction thoughts as its own voice. I always felt like there were coming from above my head slightly to the left. I used this to distinguish which thoughts were truly mine.

When I get "mad" thoughts I watch them pass by but doesn't mean I need to indulge them.

Like I say I am speaking from my own experience and journey. Hope this has been helpful and keep up the great work.
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Chris1986 said:
Hi and welcome to the start of a new healthier and freer you.

I can relate to conflicting views within yourself. I was guilty of using many people for my addiction but that does not fit into my true views on how I want to live.
These conflicting thoughts is cognitive dissonance.

I use to visualise all the addiction thoughts as its own voice. I always felt like there were coming from above my head slightly to the left. I used this to distinguish which thoughts were truly mine.

When I get "mad" thoughts I watch them pass by but doesn't mean I need to indulge them.

Like I say I am speaking from my own experience and journey. Hope this has been helpful and keep up the great work.
Click to expand...
Thanks Chris. I appreciate it. I hope your journey too is successful and ever improving. I appreciate the support and insight.
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 3

I've been reading up a lot about flatlining, surging and some other habits such as cold showers and exercising that will help me adjust to the withdrawals. I read that even thinking about PMO and the actions leading up to them already release dopamine, the endorphins are the pleasure causing chemicals. So, I've been trying to be more mindful of what I look at when I walk around and what I think about.

Any advice on getting through flatlining will be appreciated. This is the first time in years that I've decided to do without porn and I hope to be able to give advice to others in the future who struggle with this. I had a thought today about asking a company to make a free app that blocks all adult sites that is 100% functional. Most apps aren't fully functional until a premium version is purchased. There shouldn't be a price on freedom? Anyways, I think my phone usage habits will be the biggest temptation or obstacle for me. Trying to avoid screen time and only using my laptop in public places.
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 4

Woke up today and I was listening to some music and scrolling through music. Saw some images that could have quickly led to dangerous thoughts and other actions. So, I decided to take a cold shower. That was a great idea but not easy. I read up about the benefits of cold showers. Needless to say, I'll be continuing with them and progress them. It's not easy but I think it works really well into giving your body a shock, disrupts thoughts and makes you feel better. I need go start exercising regularly as soon as I move into the new apartment in the next two days. I'll also have my first counseling session this weekend.

Once again, trying to spend most of my time in public spaces in these beginning days and weeks. I used to play a lot of computer games but that time spent being idle at a computer whole you're alone makes it really easy to access porn sites without much effort. So I might have to give up on those things. Never in my wildest dreams thought I would, but it seems like he wiser decision now. There's much more at stake than some games.

To quote another journal entry in this forum: Porn is NOT an option.
 
particularly_respecting

particularly_respecting

Active Member
Great job fighting the urge with a cold shower
Dopamine Nation (which was recommended to me by another forum member) has an interesting part on cold showers
Maybe you already know, but our brains become desensitized to dopamine/pleasure
Cold showers turn up the "pain" side (opposite to pleasure) and this increases sensitivity to pleasure, according to the author

I've been trying but still struggle to put it into practice - feels great afterward but it's damn hard in the moment!
So great job brother 💪
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Rumson, welcome to the forum. I like your effort and practicality about all of this.

"I realize appreciating beauty is fine but for me right now, it'll lead to lingering thoughts and cause me to tempted to find things online later."

This is great that you know this about yourself. What one man can handle, another man might not be able to, and that's perfectly okay. One of the hardest things for me to learn was this very fact. You can read someone's opinions on here or elsewhere which are completely legitimate for them, but not for you at this moment. It's imperative to remember that not only are there many different personalities and views here at RN, but also, we are all on different parts of this journey. Listening to yourself, and more importantly, acting on it, is the best thing you can do.

Day 4 without porn is a beautiful day indeed!
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
@Blondie Yeah I think we all have different triggers and reading about all the guys' thoughts and their journeys has helped. I appreciate the feedback and the community where everyone is fighting to be and find the better version of themselves.
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 5

Spent the afternoon moving in to my new apartment. Haven't spent much time today with people but I haven't had distractions. I found that I was staring at some ladies more (not awkwardly) but I didn't feel too great about that. I was focusing a lot on their physical attributes and objectifying them probably.

But, still standing strong. Feel fine physically and mentally. Hope you are all standing strong.

Porn is not an option.
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 6

Joined a crossfit gym for a workout. There's something special about a group of people exercising together with good music in the background and people motivating each other to work hard.

Had a few thoughts of porn because I was watching a TedEx video on the dangers of porn but I had no desire to go look at anything. The days I spent with people and not alone definitely help set me up to break the habits.

We move forward for freedom.
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 7

1 week, didn't think I'd make it this far. Felt a little isolated and down today. Had a few moments of thinking that I could watch porn at any time since I'm living alone but I dismissed the thoughts quickly. Think it is important not to entertain those thoughts at all. So still standing strong!

Hope you are all doing well too!
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Welcome to the Nation, Rumson! Your profile pic speaks to me, the breaking of chains! Through wrong decisions and repetition we built our own chains, but through making right decisions and repetition we can break those same chains and be free!

Regaining our dignity and self-respect is worth fighting for!
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 8

Started off the day with a crossfit session. Even though I swore I would never join crossfit, the group dynamic of everyone pushing themselves and encouraging each other was enjoyable. I also had my first therapy session today. I realized there are some issues causing anxiety in my life, some I can control, some I can't.

I've been single for a long time which is probably one of the factors why I used porn so often. Not sure if I can be in a relationship because I've been single for so long. But for now, being single is maybe what the doctor ordered. I'm dealing with this addicion in my life, losing weight and going to try and see the good attributes of myself.

I hope you all take a step forward in self-acceptence and one step forward in conquering the bad habits you have.

For Freedom!
 
Rumson

Rumson

Member
Day 13

If my counting is correct, it is day 13. I went away for a few days again with a university buddy. We just hung out and enjoyed the long weekend. Came back today. Been struggling a little more today since I got back. Some part of me is trying to justify just watching one porn video. I told myself it's not worth it. This drug is too addictive. I can't go back to day 1. It's not an option. I'm gonna call a friend overseas and go for a run later. Will check in with you all tomorrow.
 
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