TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
I figure that's a cool/dramatic name for my journal. 
My story:
I'm a 53 year old trying to break a 25 year porn habit. Like most guys in my 20s, I masturbated with Playboy a few times a week, and it was no big deal at the time. Then came the internet, and within a year I had access to so much porn I couldn't help myself. My addiction was coupled with loneliness and depression. Addictions are usually about pain, and so that's why I got addicted to porn: it helped ease the pain of life in general. By my late 20s, I was deep into the addiction, with long PMO sessions almost every night.
It was only 10 years later that I fully realized what a problem I had and sought professional help. I found a psychologist who was very helpful. I was diagnosed with mild depression and an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unfortunately, I never discussed the porn addiction. I guess I thought if I could improve my depression, the porn addiction would vanish. Big mistake! Years later, another psychologist helped me understand my depression even more and what a deep, evil grip my porn addiction had on me. But since that time, despite the new-found clarity, I have continued to be an addict. While it has "improved" over the past few years (less PMO, no porn saved on my computer), I'm still an addict.
I've lost count of how many times I have tried to quit. 5 months clean is the longest I've ever been able to do. Just over a week ago, I found the strength to try again. Joining this forum has been a real help. Other than confessing to psychologists, I have never discussed my porn addiction with anyone.
Some reflections:
The world of porn is a seductive one. It's a weird fantasy world where you're in charge, nobody will say no, and you will always get your way and have a good time. It's disturbing how you develop a "relationship" with your favourite girls. You collect their photos and videos. You imagine conversations with them. But ultimately, you're just a very disturbed guy who's fapping in front of his computer. These girls aren't real. They're not your friends. They're cogs in a gigantic, awful machine: the porn industry.
As of today, I'm 8 days clean. My goal at the moment is to not masturbate for 60 days as part of a serious reboot.
My story:
I'm a 53 year old trying to break a 25 year porn habit. Like most guys in my 20s, I masturbated with Playboy a few times a week, and it was no big deal at the time. Then came the internet, and within a year I had access to so much porn I couldn't help myself. My addiction was coupled with loneliness and depression. Addictions are usually about pain, and so that's why I got addicted to porn: it helped ease the pain of life in general. By my late 20s, I was deep into the addiction, with long PMO sessions almost every night.
It was only 10 years later that I fully realized what a problem I had and sought professional help. I found a psychologist who was very helpful. I was diagnosed with mild depression and an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unfortunately, I never discussed the porn addiction. I guess I thought if I could improve my depression, the porn addiction would vanish. Big mistake! Years later, another psychologist helped me understand my depression even more and what a deep, evil grip my porn addiction had on me. But since that time, despite the new-found clarity, I have continued to be an addict. While it has "improved" over the past few years (less PMO, no porn saved on my computer), I'm still an addict.
I've lost count of how many times I have tried to quit. 5 months clean is the longest I've ever been able to do. Just over a week ago, I found the strength to try again. Joining this forum has been a real help. Other than confessing to psychologists, I have never discussed my porn addiction with anyone.
Some reflections:
The world of porn is a seductive one. It's a weird fantasy world where you're in charge, nobody will say no, and you will always get your way and have a good time. It's disturbing how you develop a "relationship" with your favourite girls. You collect their photos and videos. You imagine conversations with them. But ultimately, you're just a very disturbed guy who's fapping in front of his computer. These girls aren't real. They're not your friends. They're cogs in a gigantic, awful machine: the porn industry.
As of today, I'm 8 days clean. My goal at the moment is to not masturbate for 60 days as part of a serious reboot.
