Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

Active Member
Hello everyone. I'm back from vacation. Let's see...

Day 130 (no PMO) and [checks notes] day 8 (no MO).

As posted earlier in the month, I found myself struggling after the 100 day mark. Did MO too often, too soon, and some image searches that I certainly shouldn't have done and feared a relapse.

Long story short, I did one MO during my vacation. I was in a good mood and turned on by a sexy waitress at a restaurant that I had a brief conversation with. Should have resisted, I suppose, but no regrets, really. I'm going to do my best to go back to my original plan, which is MO once a month. To me, this seems like the right balance between restraint and reality.

The vacation was nice, but back to my normal routine and all of the usual stress and anxiety that life can produce. Sexual thoughts are intrusive and unwelcome, since they happen at random moments instead of after an encounter with a real woman. As posted earlier, I know that any sexual urges I have are NOT really about sex, they are about poor mental health.

Feeling good about 130 days no PMO though. 💪
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Another weird experience while on my vacation - I'll choose my words carefully so that nothing is triggering. :unsure:

Oddly enough, I encountered some sexy women in an unlikely moment - while hiking in the mountains. Every once in awhile, a small group of hikers would be on the trail, and the young women were wearing these outfits that looked better for a yoga class than a hike in 30°C weather. Obviously, women should be free to wear what they want, but I'm wondering if they chose those clothes because at some point they would be posing for their Instagram accounts? I was like "Seriously? This is the last place I would expect to be turned on." :rolleyes:
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 132 (no PMO), day 10 (no MO).

Not much to report, other than continued stupid sexual ideas and/or anxiety eating urges. Time to start calming down and reducing stress and anxiety in my life. Easier said than done, but at least I'm not giving into temptation.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @TryingHarder - missed you, man. You are Mr Always say it right - so glad to have your wisdom back. I smiled about your hiking story. Urges are everywhere. I met this guy at SAA meeting who sort of can’t trust himself anywhere. He said he got into a lift/elevator and shut his eyes when a pretty woman got in on a different floor. Then he missed his own floor, opened his eyes and the woman is staring at him asking if he’s getting out because they’re at the top!
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 136 (no PMO), day 14 (no MO).

Not much to report, other than I'm still struggling with bullshit sexual/porn ideas floating around in my head during moments of stress and/or anxiety. I suppose if this was another type of addiction, these would be withdrawal symptoms? It's like trying to get a good night's sleep with noisy neighbours - I just wish those guys would shut up and fuck off. 😡
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 138 (no PMO), day 16 (no MO).

Man, I am really struggling with the urge to MO and/or porn memories this weekend. I've been saying "no, fuck that" but the urges inside my head are really insistent. That nasty "I don't care, I just want that rush again, who cares if it's awful, jerk off and think about your favourite porn girls, do it, do it" voice. I would have thought this would be a thing earlier in the reboot, but instead I'm at 4 months and really struggling.

No relapses, no retreat!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Not sure what to say as advice - you know what you would to us lot if the roles were reversed…..the fucking bastard porn is a thing in your brain. It’s a straight fight - my money is on you. Please don’t let the noisy neighbours in.

I think the 90 day Reboot mantra is a little misleading if I am honest, but it’s hard to sell the 365 day version. I think we should except there are troubles ahead. We’re kicking a decades long problem so a 3/4 month fix would actually be effing swift. Keep going please.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 139 (no PMO), day 17 (no MO).

Well, the intrusive thoughts have calmed down, despite my anxiety levels still being heightened. (I won't share the details, but I'll be breathing easier after the 15th this month.)

Approaching the 5 month mark, which is significant: that's the longest I've been able to stay clean in the past. Still looking forward to making it to 6 months and then a year.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Intrusive is what they are. I wish I woke up thinking about football or the energy crisis, and there I am thinking about tits!
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 141 (no PMO), day 19 (no MO).

Intrusive sexual thoughts and memories of fave porn girls have continued to calm down, which is good. I hate that my (formerly) addicted mind has a default setting when it comes to stress or anxiety: think about porn and sex. I don't want to think about porn, and I only want to think about sex when it is borne from a real encounter with a real woman.

Sometimes my mind drifts into fantasies while I'm going to sleep. I have to tell myself: stop it, that's the addiction talking, there's no reason for you to be fantasizing about anything sexual right now. I might as well fantasize about being able to fly or something pleasant.

I hate what this addiction has done to my mind. No relapses, no retreat!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Day 141 (no PMO), day 19 (no MO).

Intrusive sexual thoughts and memories of fave porn girls have continued to calm down, which is good. I hate that my (formerly) addicted mind has a default setting when it comes to stress or anxiety: think about porn and sex. I don't want to think about porn, and I only want to think about sex when it is borne from a real encounter with a real woman.

Sometimes my mind drifts into fantasies while I'm going to sleep. I have to tell myself: stop it, that's the addiction talking, there's no reason for you to be fantasizing about anything sexual right now. I might as well fantasize about being able to fly or something pleasant.

I hate what this addiction has done to my mind. No relapses, no retreat!
Ditto brother. Ditto. Together we can do this!
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 145 (no PMO), day 23 (no MO).

Not much to report. Intrusive sexual thoughts dying down. I'm dealing with a lot right now, so anxiety is high. But I know that if I MO for the wrong reasons or do a image search for something I shouldn't, that's just stupid.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 149 (no PMO), day 28 (no MO).

I won't share the details (too complicated), but yesterday an important thing in my life and a major cause of anxiety for the past month was completed, and I can breathe easier.

Still feeling good, and the intrusive sexual thoughts are still fading. Perhaps I'm now officially in flatline mode, with almost zero urge to MO. Still a lot of processing as I recover from the addiction, but the way I see it, almost anything is better than the urge to PMO.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Yo @TryingHarder . Keep going pal. You’re 5 months clean. Your brain is only 5 months into change having possibly been several years in the horrible ruts of porn. I keep wondering every time I get a flat feeling that it will last forever, and it never does. I have a mild one right now and I am 20% worried. I used to be 80% worried. Experience.

Keep writing, you’re a huge inspiration. I hope you know that.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 152 (no PMO), day 31 (no MO).

Fighting off some strong urges to MO, with a favourite porn girl stuck in my head. Thought I should make a post here to help keep the urges at bay. Saying no because:

1. Today marks 5 months clean. That has been my previous record, so I know that anything longer than today is a good achievement.
2. The urge to MO and think about favourite porn girls is a weird and disturbing kind of nostalgia. Oh, remember all the fun you two used to have? No, you zero, that was you jerking off to pictures in front of your computer, there is no nostalgia here.

As always: no relapses, no retreat!
 
Last edited:
Top