Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 180.

If my calculations are correct, I have made it to 6 months clean. Free of PMO.

But I feel like some points should be deducted, since lately I have been looking at a bit of porn. My troubled mind just wants to reminisce - to return to some kind of weird, magical place that never really existed. :confused:

However, reaching 6 months is very significant and feels good, since it beats my previous clean streak.

Rejoice in who you are becoming and wonder what a giant turd you would be to go back being the person you were before.
Those are wise words, @GBS! :LOL: "Becoming" is a key word here, because I'm certainly not there yet. But I am at a point where I certainly realize I was a giant turd for many years: addicted to porn, knowing how serious it was, and yet being too weak or confused to quit.

So I have stumbled with some recent image searches, but I am picking myself up and reminding myself: those girls aren't real, you never had sex with them, you were just some guy jerking off in front of his computer. You're better than this. Forget their names, forget their faces. Eventually, enough time will pass that I will no longer hear those siren calls and I'll be truly free of the addiction.
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Congrats on being 180 days, PMO-free!

I know that place of reaching a goal or milestone, but feeling somewhat ambivalent about it because of some 'compromises' or dabbling with p-subs (or more).

But you're on your way to a new you, a new life, you're moving in the right direction. And so every victory should be celebrated! Yeah, there might've been a slip up here or there, but before you couldn't speak of 6 months free!

Celebrate your victory and the many more to come, you deserve it!
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 182.

Since I've stumbled with some Google searches over the past few weeks, I now have a new mantra: Forget their names. Forget their faces. They're not real. They're not your friends. You never had sex with them. Forget them.

When I look at porn, it's a defeat. It means depression and poor mental health has won yet another battle.

Apparently on Omaha Beach on D-Day, an American officer told his men: "There are now two types of people on this beach – those who are dead, and those who are going to die. Now let's get the hell out of here!"

That's a very melodramatic way of looking at it, but it rings true with a porn addiction. Either you can give in, or you can fight it. As @William pointed out in this epic thread, on this forum there are two types of people: those who think they can make compromises with a porn addiction and somehow keep porn in their lives, and who will likely stay addicted to porn for the next 50 years. And then there are those who are dedicated to the challenges and obstacles of crushing the addiction and doing whatever it takes to keep porn out of their lives.

I know which person I want to be. No relapses, no retreat!
 
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TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 185.

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. (Andre Gide)

Been trying something new: seriously limiting my internet access. Basically, on weekends and one weeknight is allowed, and doing my best to keep it to a minimum. Feeling quite good about this. I posted earlier that the internet usually ends up being mindless scrolling or scatterbrained browsing. Like porn, it seems to be a lot of wasted time looking for something that doesn't exist.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 188.

Restricting my online time has resulted in a lot more clarity and peace of mind. At first, I had a feeling like "something is missing, I'm forgetting to do something". I have come to realize that my brain was missing loitering on the internet almost the same way my brain was missing the toxic dopamine rush of looking at porn.

After coming close to relapsing a month ago, and being on thin ice with some bad Google image searches, I'm happy to report those urges have really subsided. There's been a definite absence of sexual thoughts in my head. I see this as a good thing, since I know that 99% of the time, any sexual thoughts I have are the porn addiction talking, guided by depression and bad vibes.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Day 188.

Restricting my online time has resulted in a lot more clarity and peace of mind. At first, I had a feeling like "something is missing, I'm forgetting to do something". I have come to realize that my brain was missing loitering on the internet almost the same way my brain was missing the toxic dopamine rush of looking at porn.
I should really do that too. I have an internet addiction as much as a P addiction at this point.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 191.

Still doing okay with restricting my time online. Urges to MO are really low, which is a good thing. For some unknown reason, two porn girls popped into my head this morning. I resisted the call of the sirens. Then I asked the internet to tell me more about sirens...

In Greek mythology, the Sirens were dangerous creatures of the sea. They lived on a rocky island called Anthemoessa, the “flowery island.” There, they laid in wait for ships to pass by.

When a ship came near, the Sirens would begin to sing. Their voices and the lyrics to their songs were so lovely that no one could resist them. The sailors who were lured in by the Sirens would ultimately die. Some suggested that their ships sank on the rocks, while Homer’s description of a meadow covered in rotting corpses implied that the Sirens were cannibals.

The monsters with the beautiful voices were depicted in a variety of ways in Greek art and literature. They were often shown with features that combined those of beautiful women with birds. Sometimes they had female heads on bird-like bodies, while in other images they had more human bodies with wings, talons, and feathers.


I don't have to use too much imagination here to make parallels with porn models!

In modern life, the Sirens are dangerous creatures of the internet. There, they lay in wait for bored or depressed men to pass by.

When a man comes near, the Sirens begin to sing. They're actually either gross or ridiculous, yet these Sirens' songs are so lovely that very few men can resist them. The men who are lured in by the Sirens will waste an extraordinary amount of time fapping in front of their computers.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Day 191.

Still doing okay with restricting my time online. Urges to MO are really low, which is a good thing. For some unknown reason, two porn girls popped into my head this morning. I resisted the call of the sirens. Then I asked the internet to tell me more about sirens...

In Greek mythology, the Sirens were dangerous creatures of the sea. They lived on a rocky island called Anthemoessa, the “flowery island.” There, they laid in wait for ships to pass by.

When a ship came near, the Sirens would begin to sing. Their voices and the lyrics to their songs were so lovely that no one could resist them. The sailors who were lured in by the Sirens would ultimately die. Some suggested that their ships sank on the rocks, while Homer’s description of a meadow covered in rotting corpses implied that the Sirens were cannibals.

The monsters with the beautiful voices were depicted in a variety of ways in Greek art and literature. They were often shown with features that combined those of beautiful women with birds. Sometimes they had female heads on bird-like bodies, while in other images they had more human bodies with wings, talons, and feathers.


I don't have to use too much imagination here to make parallels with porn models!

In modern life, the Sirens are dangerous creatures of the internet. There, they lay in wait for bored or depressed men to pass by.

When a man comes near, the Sirens begin to sing. They're actually either gross or ridiculous, yet these Sirens' songs are so lovely that very few men can resist them. The men who are lured in by the Sirens will waste an extraordinary amount of time fapping in front of their computers.

good to hear the low urges. they are generally good i think, to help sobriety but also i think, disconcerting at times because it makes one wonder if things work or not. creates a temptation.

i know a woman that i would categorize as a siren. the more i knew about her the more i realized she had red flags galore. but she was flirtatious and attention seeking, on top of being very attractive.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Love the sirens @TryingHarder - I sort of knew that but the imagery is excellent. It really is. One can apply to many things in life, like advertising fast food, but the porn imagery is closer because the sirens are young ladies (or so depicted) and it’s pretty much true. Rotting corpses. Not any more, not us. So many are out there rotting. So many.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Love the sirens @TryingHarder - I sort of knew that but the imagery is excellent. It really is. One can apply to many things in life, like advertising fast food, but the porn imagery is closer because the sirens are young ladies (or so depicted) and it’s pretty much true. Rotting corpses. Not any more, not us. So many are out there rotting. So many.

there's a really sad story of a porn star who went from really beautiful and fairly big to living underground in the tunnels of Las Vegas where there is a thriving subterranean homeless community.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Just want to point out that my post above was not meant to convey any kind of "women will lead us into temptation" vibes. I find that thinking is sexist and patriarchal. Sadly, women are cogs in a giant machine: the porn industry. Whether these women are wonderful people (or not) is irrelevant to me; I only knew them as pictures and videos that I jerked off to for many years. I'm sure I'm not the only recovering porn addict who has had to struggle with the illusions that these "girlfriends" cause in our warped minds.

If you want to get a real sense of what life is like for 99% of porn girls / cam girls, check out the Netflix documentary Hot Girls Wanted. Yes, it may be a major trigger to some, but man, I found it really eye-opening and depressing.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Day 191.

Still doing okay with restricting my time online. Urges to MO are really low, which is a good thing. For some unknown reason, two porn girls popped into my head this morning. I resisted the call of the sirens. Then I asked the internet to tell me more about sirens...

In Greek mythology, the Sirens were dangerous creatures of the sea. They lived on a rocky island called Anthemoessa, the “flowery island.” There, they laid in wait for ships to pass by.

When a ship came near, the Sirens would begin to sing. Their voices and the lyrics to their songs were so lovely that no one could resist them. The sailors who were lured in by the Sirens would ultimately die. Some suggested that their ships sank on the rocks, while Homer’s description of a meadow covered in rotting corpses implied that the Sirens were cannibals.

The monsters with the beautiful voices were depicted in a variety of ways in Greek art and literature. They were often shown with features that combined those of beautiful women with birds. Sometimes they had female heads on bird-like bodies, while in other images they had more human bodies with wings, talons, and feathers.


I don't have to use too much imagination here to make parallels with porn models!

In modern life, the Sirens are dangerous creatures of the internet. There, they lay in wait for bored or depressed men to pass by.

When a man comes near, the Sirens begin to sing. They're actually either gross or ridiculous, yet these Sirens' songs are so lovely that very few men can resist them. The men who are lured in by the Sirens will waste an extraordinary amount of time fapping in front of their computers.
Sounds like something Nostradamus would have written! But he wouldn't have used the word internet...it would be something like "the earth covered in a web"
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
If you want to get a real sense of what life is like for 99% of porn girls / cam girls, check out the Netflix documentary Hot Girls Wanted. Yes, it may be a major trigger to some, but man, I found it really eye-opening and depressing.
Oooo….. I’ll have to look this up, I always love a compelling doco!

I recently listened to a audible podcast called the ‘The Butterfly Effect’ by Jon Ronson, it’s about who really pays the price for free porn. There was one story that broke my heart about a young lad that ended up on the sex offenders list for sexting an underage girl he had a crush on…. it’s completely destroyed his life.

I’ve been reading heaps over the last few months about porn feeding sex trafficking and sexual exploitation, and that’s the main reason I could never go back to being ‘OK’ with porn…..
 

Qwertyxyz

Member
I figure that's a cool/dramatic name for my journal. ;)

My story:

I'm a 53 year old trying to break a 25 year porn habit. Like most guys in my 20s, I masturbated with Playboy a few times a week, and it was no big deal at the time. Then came the internet, and within a year I had access to so much porn I couldn't help myself. My addiction was coupled with loneliness and depression. Addictions are usually about pain, and so that's why I got addicted to porn: it helped ease the pain of life in general. By my late 20s, I was deep into the addiction, with long PMO sessions almost every night.

It was only 10 years later that I fully realized what a problem I had and sought professional help. I found a psychologist who was very helpful. I was diagnosed with mild depression and an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unfortunately, I never discussed the porn addiction. I guess I thought if I could improve my depression, the porn addiction would vanish. Big mistake! Years later, another psychologist helped me understand my depression even more and what a deep, evil grip my porn addiction had on me. But since that time, despite the new-found clarity, I have continued to be an addict. While it has "improved" over the past few years (less PMO, no porn saved on my computer), I'm still an addict.

I've lost count of how many times I have tried to quit. 5 months clean is the longest I've ever been able to do. Just over a week ago, I found the strength to try again. Joining this forum has been a real help. Other than confessing to psychologists, I have never discussed my porn addiction with anyone.

Some reflections:

The world of porn is a seductive one. It's a weird fantasy world where you're in charge, nobody will say no, and you will always get your way and have a good time. It's disturbing how you develop a "relationship" with your favourite girls. You collect their photos and videos. You imagine conversations with them. But ultimately, you're just a very disturbed guy who's fapping in front of his computer. These girls aren't real. They're not your friends. They're cogs in a gigantic, awful machine: the porn industry.

As of today, I'm 8 days clean. My goal at the moment is to not masturbate for 60 days as part of a serious reboot.
I relate to a lot of this, thanks for sharing and good luck.

internet porn is something else and it has taken so much of my time and confidence. Have a good reboot ✅
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 195.

Have recently stumbled a bit in regards to restricting my time online. That's okay - like any other life changes, I'll have my good days and bad. Now my mindset is cautious when it comes to the internet, rather than just automatically plugging myself into the matrix. Not spending so much time online has certainly helped ease any withdrawal symptoms from porn addiction.

I’ve been reading heaps over the last few months about porn feeding sex trafficking and sexual exploitation, and that’s the main reason I could never go back to being ‘OK’ with porn…..
The concept of "being OK" with porn is interesting. As I have posted before, you start to develop a strange relationship with your favourite girls. And then you always come back to the same harsh reality: you're just fapping to images on a computer. There is no relationship. Maybe you justify the "nice" porn or erotica and think that those images surely aren't so bad, and let's not be too hard on porn. But when you realize that it's an industry with only two real goals: making money and encouraging men to masturbate, it becomes very grotesque and disturbing.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Everyday I find new angles regarding porn and its industry.
And there's nothing good about all of them.

It really amazes me how warped our thinking can be when under the porn influence.
Ugly things are beautiful.
Complete strangers are thought of as best and concerned partners.
Shallow visual imagery are considered deep and meaningful.
Empty hopes are full and filled.
Really a matrix dream of delusion and impossibilities.

Yes
The industry is full of criminals and abusers;
Both the performers and users are self harming, self degrading and totally bored people, devoid of any interest and personal development except the desire for self indulgence and profit, all at the expense of others.

It's an ugly industry, and it takes some time, distance and clarity to see it for what it is
 
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TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 197.

The goddamn sirens were calling me this weekend. My ship didn't end up on the rocks, but I did "listen" to them for a few minutes. Argh!

giphy.gif
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@TryingHarder , can I ask you a couple of q;s?

How often do you MO? And when you do, what do you think about? How many/much of your fantasy world can you still access?
 
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