Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 268.

A Chinese bamboo seed will sit in the ground for 5 years and nothing will happen. Then, over a 6 week period, it will grow 90 feet. So does it take bamboo 5 years or 6 weeks to grow? The answer is 5 years.

For addicts, change happens much the same way. We take in information. We try out new behaviours, choices, and responses. We start putting new routines in place. We must lay the foundation to allow for change.

- Gifts of Recovery, Timothy D. Stein

I needed to hear this today. I always knew the road to recovery would be a marathon, not a sprint. What's that old proverb? The race isn't for the swift, but who can endure.

Last week was a pretty good week. Sure, I'm still troubled by unwelcome sexual thoughts that are clearly a response to adversity and difficult situations in my life, but I'm getting much better at shutting them down. I know that's the addiction and/or poor mental health talking.

No relapses, no retreat!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
I think dealing with bad/difficult moments is the absolute nexus of this whole fight. It’s impossible to avoid the moments but they are for each of us intermittent and of varying strength. How we cope with them is what we have become.

I conclude that you have or are becoming a fucking hero.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 275.

"I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." – Mark Twain

Are we actually experiencing terrible things, or are we simply experiencing events from a different perspective?

- Gifts of Recovery, Timothy D. Stein

As I continue on in flatline, I try to stay positive and re-think and re-frame the experience. Is it terrible? Not really. If this is part of the price I need to pay to stay clean from porn, then it's not an "expense" (something that is costly), it's an "investment" (something that will be rewarding later).

Still doing some stupid image searches, followed by urges to MO, but I have been able to say no to both, knowing it's the addiction talking. Part of me longs to be in a good mood so I can enjoy some MO, but also content to ride out the flatline in order to do things properly. Once again, it's an investment that should see rewards in the future.

No relapses, no retreat!
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 281 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I think I need to start sharing that second number. I hate these moments of weakness where I find myself wanting to look at explicit content (or substitutes) because of stress/anxiety/whatever bullshit I think justifies the image search. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing it. But I do know this: no matter what the problem is, porn is not the answer.

No relapses, no retreat!
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
TryingHarder said:
I hate these moments of weakness where I find myself wanting to look at explicit content (or substitutes) because of stress/anxiety/whatever bullshit I think justifies the image search. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing it. But I do know this: no matter what the problem is, porn is not the answer.
Click to expand...

Hi, brother! You're nailing it on the head in associating it with these feelings that seem to create the 'need' to engage in former or unwanted habits. It's, however, not a justification- perhaps morally- but morality, as you know, isn't what breaks this for us. And not the 'hating' the moments of weakness, which we all do... but, this powerful emotion only makes the habit 'sticky' and difficult to ignore.

As you said, too, we don't always know the reasons why we do it, but we're nonetheless following through on the suggestions of the habit, or of the lower-brain.

When these things arise, recognize (as you do) that these are the brain's attempts to resolve some known or unknown inner emotions- or- it could be simply habit cued by a billboard (or whatever). But next time, be non-judgmental about it. Don't hate the (seeming) weakness, just recognize it, observe it, center on your breathing, and just watch the urges (for P or p-subs) pass without either reacting for or against them. These things will pass on their own if- if- we're non-judgmental about them, see them for the empty physiological mechanics that they are, and just let them pass.

Best!
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 286 (no PMO)

Day 6 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." – Japanese proverb

Whether our "fall" is an addiction relapse, the ending of a relationship, or serious financial problems, the road to success is always the same: stand back up.

"Sometimes you need less power to get more traction."

If we keep our foot on the gas when our tires are spinning, they will just keep spinning. If we let off the gas a bit, the tires have an easier time getting traction and moving us forward.

- Gifts of Recovery, Timothy D. Stein

Thinking about both of these ideas lately. No relapses, no retreat!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hey @TryingHarder - the 290 number is the crucial one. You obv know your own failings and bad habits, but as long as the end result doesn’t mean you’re ejaculating, then it’s fine. Pointing out the obvious though, you are making your recovery almost deliberately harder. That’s not helping you by saying that. I could so easily have done the same I just can’t put myself through the agony now.

I have a sense you’re really close to fighting this off. You know yourself better than anyone on the planet. It’s your choice. Don’t punish yourself any longer my friend.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 292 (no PMO)

Day 12 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

GBS said:
Pointing out the obvious though, you are making your recovery almost deliberately harder.
Click to expand...
What do you mean? By also keeping track of how many days I stay away from looking at porn or substitutes? Not hard at all, really. As that second number gets higher, my desire to look at porn gets weaker.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Sorry I think I was referring to your habit of image searching. I could have been more explicit. To me you’re almost getting a cigarette out and firing up the lighter just not connecting fire to tobacco. As I said, that’s an obvious point really. I just don’t identify with it….but we’re all different.

Keep going.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 295 (no PMO)

Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Earlier this week, I was dealing with frustration and disappointment. Normally, the stupid voice inside my head would be heard saying "I know what will make you feel better" but the voice wasn't there. Perhaps - fingers crossed - I have reached a threshold where looking at porn or porn substitutes just isn't an option at all.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 301 (no PMO)

Day 21 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

The "stupid voices" inside my head have largely been quiet, and yet every once in awhile, they raise their ugly heads and start yapping. Of course, I know that porn thoughts in the middle of the day are nothing but the addiction trying to make a comeback. I look forward to the day when they fall silent.

Still in flatline, so no MO, and I know that to even try it a lot of criteria would have to be met (in a good mood, no urge to MO based on stress, encounter with a real woman, etc). As we know from the wisdom of Seinfeld: "men don't need a reason, they just need a place". :LOL:

No relapses, no retreat.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@TryingHarder
I have 2 ways at looking at these disturbance head voices:
1. Trained distractive thoughts
2. Post orgasm low dopamine recursive negative talk

#1 somehow we've trained ourselves over the years to generate and listen to these out of control thoughts that only serve to distract and distrub whatever we are doing.
We must now actively ignore them.

#2 I used to get these horribly negative voices during low dop periods. Since properly rebooting I don't get them anymore. (Much like you)
My dopamine levels seemed to have normalized.

The occasional voice does pop up. I doubt they will ever leave me alone. But when they do pop up, I treat them like a tout:
"Oh! It's you. You're always only peddling shitty stuff. Not interested."

:)
 
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