TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 306 (no PMO)
Day 27 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
All quiet on the no porn front.
Day 27 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
All quiet on the no porn front.
Crawling from the wreckage
- Thread starter TryingHarder
- Start date
Blondie
Respected Member
Good one! With porn, there's definitely no Christmas Truce on the frontline, the enemy would have to have honor for that.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 309 (no PMO)
Day 30 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Although things have been mostly good, out of the blue I get the damn "siren calls" or unexpected sexy thoughts. I can largely ignore them, but they are still troublesome.
Sometimes I get a sense of unease, like there's something missing in my life; there's something wrong. Then I remind myself what's missing is PMO, and why the fuck would I miss that? And if no PMO is "wrong" then what I'm experiencing is absolutely right. I remind myself that an addiction that sadly lasted for more than 20 years is not going to disappear in less than a year.
Day 30 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Although things have been mostly good, out of the blue I get the damn "siren calls" or unexpected sexy thoughts. I can largely ignore them, but they are still troublesome.
Sometimes I get a sense of unease, like there's something missing in my life; there's something wrong. Then I remind myself what's missing is PMO, and why the fuck would I miss that? And if no PMO is "wrong" then what I'm experiencing is absolutely right. I remind myself that an addiction that sadly lasted for more than 20 years is not going to disappear in less than a year.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
You will find that the longer you withhold P, the sooner the disassociation between P and pleasure. Hopefully it will also start to reveal to you that P makes no real sense in terms of authentic happiness, especially if you have been practicing hard to obtain happiness and pleasure from real life activities.
It is this disassociation that truly breaks the bond and liberates you towards freedom.
Keep it going!
It is this disassociation that truly breaks the bond and liberates you towards freedom.
Keep it going!
GBS
Respected Member
@TryingHarder - I am SO with you, brother. A sense of unease. Something has gone and I know it, but that doesn’t mean the gap can just be filled by knowledge that what you’re doing is right. Thing is, you say it on here, so you know what’s going on and that’s the new lease of life. The new lease is painful too. That doesn’t sound right, but it is right. Seeing the light isn’t all about experiencing the pleasure, it’s also recognising the glory to be obtained through dealing with pain. And our brother @TakeActionNow called it too: disassociation will lead to freedom.
This will take more than a year, but it’s worth every moment of suffering.
You truly inspire me, pal.
This will take more than a year, but it’s worth every moment of suffering.
You truly inspire me, pal.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 306 (no PMO)
Day 27 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
"Leave your front door and your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't invite them in for tea." – Shunryu Suzuki
We are not our thoughts. This is an important truth for us to learn; it gives us choice in recovery. We have a choice regarding sexual thoughts regardless of whether we become aware of them by noticing the sexual thoughts themselves. We can invite a sexual thought to "stay for tea" or we can usher it out the door. We are not slaves to our thoughts.
- Gifts of Recovery, Timothy D. Stein
And, in the case of thinking about porn girls, they have to stay on the front porch. I don't want them coming inside. And they ain't getting no tea.
Day 27 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
"Leave your front door and your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't invite them in for tea." – Shunryu Suzuki
We are not our thoughts. This is an important truth for us to learn; it gives us choice in recovery. We have a choice regarding sexual thoughts regardless of whether we become aware of them by noticing the sexual thoughts themselves. We can invite a sexual thought to "stay for tea" or we can usher it out the door. We are not slaves to our thoughts.
- Gifts of Recovery, Timothy D. Stein
And, in the case of thinking about porn girls, they have to stay on the front porch. I don't want them coming inside. And they ain't getting no tea.
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TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 311 (no PMO)
Day 32 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
What else is new? Still fighting the urges to look at porn / porn substitutes and to MO. Saying no to all of them. Still in flatline, which I am still okay with as part of the healing process, but also eager to get over that hill and feel back to normal.
Day 32 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
What else is new? Still fighting the urges to look at porn / porn substitutes and to MO. Saying no to all of them. Still in flatline, which I am still okay with as part of the healing process, but also eager to get over that hill and feel back to normal.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 315 (no PMO)
Day 36 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Not much to report. Same as last journal entry...
Day 36 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Not much to report. Same as last journal entry...
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 319 (no PMO)
Day 40 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Certainly had some strong urges to MO over the past few days, accompanied by porn fantasies (memories of favourite girls). I have remembered my mantra:
Forget them. Forget their faces. Forget their names. They're not real. You never had sex with them. They are not your friends.
No relapses, no retreat.
Day 40 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Certainly had some strong urges to MO over the past few days, accompanied by porn fantasies (memories of favourite girls). I have remembered my mantra:
Forget them. Forget their faces. Forget their names. They're not real. You never had sex with them. They are not your friends.
No relapses, no retreat.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 324 (no PMO)
Day 45 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
The memories of favourite girls continue, as does the stupid urge to MO. It's like swatting at an invisible mosquito that keeps buzzing in your ear. Last time I did MO it was, at best, "not bad", so I know there's no reward for me at the moment. How I long to be in a good mood with a healthy libido again...
On the plus side, this day marks 11 months clean. Looking forward to making it a full year next month.
Day 45 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
The memories of favourite girls continue, as does the stupid urge to MO. It's like swatting at an invisible mosquito that keeps buzzing in your ear. Last time I did MO it was, at best, "not bad", so I know there's no reward for me at the moment. How I long to be in a good mood with a healthy libido again...
On the plus side, this day marks 11 months clean. Looking forward to making it a full year next month.
Blondie
Respected Member
Congrats on eleven months clean @TryingHarder! That's an amazing achievement. 
It really does take time to desexualize everything from your mental memory. I still even see it once in a while, so don't think you're "behind" or something. Just keep charging ahead.
Best.
It really does take time to desexualize everything from your mental memory. I still even see it once in a while, so don't think you're "behind" or something. Just keep charging ahead.
Best.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 328 (no PMO)
Day 49 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Feeling totally "meh" this week, mostly due to (mild) illness. Spring is slowly but surely arriving in my part of the world, so hopefully my mood will improve along with the weather.
Day 49 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Feeling totally "meh" this week, mostly due to (mild) illness. Spring is slowly but surely arriving in my part of the world, so hopefully my mood will improve along with the weather.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 346 (no PMO) *
Day 57 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Stress and poor mental health has the memories of favourite porn girls floating around in my troubled mind, along with the urge to MO. I'm saying no, but it's not easy. But I'm closing in on one year free of PMO, so that's significant.
* = seems I have miscalculated the days, since April 20 is definitely my one year mark.
Day 57 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Stress and poor mental health has the memories of favourite porn girls floating around in my troubled mind, along with the urge to MO. I'm saying no, but it's not easy. But I'm closing in on one year free of PMO, so that's significant.
* = seems I have miscalculated the days, since April 20 is definitely my one year mark.
Blondie
Respected Member
Keep killing it @TryingHarder 
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Thanks Blondie. I don't know about "killing it" – every day is a small victory for sure, but really wish I had some more joy in my life at the moment.
Although pornographic thoughts have been a dead end for years - my porn-addicted mind doing the only thing it knew how to get some relief from life's struggles - it's only now that I'm seeing things with complete clarity and knowing how awful these thoughts are.
I won't get into detail, but just yesterday I was thinking about my elderly mother and how she struggles with old age. Moments later, thoughts of a favourite porn girl popped into my head. PMO = the grotesque and disturbing answer to all of life's problems. Thankfully there is a loud and clear voice inside my head saying "And now do you realize how fucked up that is? This is why you have to destroy your porn addiction."
Although pornographic thoughts have been a dead end for years - my porn-addicted mind doing the only thing it knew how to get some relief from life's struggles - it's only now that I'm seeing things with complete clarity and knowing how awful these thoughts are.
I won't get into detail, but just yesterday I was thinking about my elderly mother and how she struggles with old age. Moments later, thoughts of a favourite porn girl popped into my head. PMO = the grotesque and disturbing answer to all of life's problems. Thankfully there is a loud and clear voice inside my head saying "And now do you realize how fucked up that is? This is why you have to destroy your porn addiction."
Blondie
Respected Member
Things of this nature will go away although not as fast as we might wish. I know for myself, these last couple of months have seen a big change for me when it comes to this kind of stuff. Even thoughts of suddenly wanting to have sex with my girl when feeling down or stressed has somewhat lessened as well. Obviously, having healthy sex is what we all want and is often beneficial in moments like these, however, it is interesting to note that even that has relaxed a bit as I've gone further on in this reboot.
Either way, this too shall pass.
Congrats on almost a year.
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TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 350 (no PMO)
Day 3 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Sigh. A perfect storm of boredom, loneliness, and bad vibes led me to porn substitutes and then porn on the weekend. As I result, I have stayed off the internet for a few days.
Day 3 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Sigh. A perfect storm of boredom, loneliness, and bad vibes led me to porn substitutes and then porn on the weekend. As I result, I have stayed off the internet for a few days.
GBS
Respected Member
Hi @TryingHarder
Closing in on a full year. Impressive. You do put yourself through the wringer though with your porn subs issue. You didn’t O to it though so you’re clear. What’s the longest time you’ve done without MO I.e. hard mode? Honestly I think keeping on MOing (if you do) keeps the brain’s lines open. Fantasy still exists and gets fed by frequent MO. With fantasy comes trenches in the brain, old neural pathways kept alive and ready for you to look at porn again.
Sorry I am preaching. Terrible habit of mine. I promise you I am just interested in how you progress. You’re a hero.
Closing in on a full year. Impressive. You do put yourself through the wringer though with your porn subs issue. You didn’t O to it though so you’re clear. What’s the longest time you’ve done without MO I.e. hard mode? Honestly I think keeping on MOing (if you do) keeps the brain’s lines open. Fantasy still exists and gets fed by frequent MO. With fantasy comes trenches in the brain, old neural pathways kept alive and ready for you to look at porn again.
Sorry I am preaching. Terrible habit of mine. I promise you I am just interested in how you progress. You’re a hero.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
When doing my 90 day reboot, I MO'ed every 30 days, which seemed to work for me. In fact, it worked really well. Since last fall, I have more or less MO'ed about the same amount (once a month). So while that's not complete hard mode, I certainly don't think I'm overdoing it.
My troubled mind continues to come up with automatic thoughts of porn or sexual fantasies when facing stress or anxiety. Sure, I fight off the urges and ideas, but fuck you porn addiction. I have (mostly) starved you and crushed you for a year, and yet you continue to fight for survival. Fuck off and die, you sleazy bastard.
With no woman in my life to provide physical affection or sex, MO is how I satisfy that need. Now that I'm in flatline, that is an uphill and usually awkward thing and not very satisfying, so I generally say no, but it sucks. Everyone needs a nice O once in awhile.
And with stress and depression a near constant in my life, I honestly don't know what to do to ease the strain. In theory: go for a walk, get some exercise, listen to music, etc, etc, but my troubled mind always wants the comfort of porn and/or sexual ideas. It's hateful.
My troubled mind continues to come up with automatic thoughts of porn or sexual fantasies when facing stress or anxiety. Sure, I fight off the urges and ideas, but fuck you porn addiction. I have (mostly) starved you and crushed you for a year, and yet you continue to fight for survival. Fuck off and die, you sleazy bastard.
With no woman in my life to provide physical affection or sex, MO is how I satisfy that need. Now that I'm in flatline, that is an uphill and usually awkward thing and not very satisfying, so I generally say no, but it sucks. Everyone needs a nice O once in awhile.
And with stress and depression a near constant in my life, I honestly don't know what to do to ease the strain. In theory: go for a walk, get some exercise, listen to music, etc, etc, but my troubled mind always wants the comfort of porn and/or sexual ideas. It's hateful.