Crawling from the wreckage

[TryingHarder]

Day 394 (no PMO)

Day 47 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

It's been an interesting week. I just finished a 6 week evening pottery class. It sounded like a fun thing to do, and checked off a few boxes for me: do something different, do something creative, stop spending so much time in front of a computer, meet new people.

The class was entirely women, which was fun. There were several very attractive women in the class; also fun. While it would have been nice to meet someone single, for the most part all of the women were too young or in relationships.

What I noticed is that it was simply nice to be around women and experience many of the things I find attractive: nice figures, nice eyes, shoulders, tattoos, the sound of a woman's laugh, etc. I wouldn't say I was getting aroused or having sexual thoughts, but certainly a few of these women were sexy.

The experience certainly is helping with my reboot, since my brain is having to un-learn and re-learn an awful lot. I wasn't looking at pictures on a computer screen of ridiculous vixens that don't exist - I was among real women. It was a good feeling.

 

[Androg]

I'm sure you made the class a lot more rewarding for some of them too!

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 399 (no PMO)

Day 52 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

It's been a good week. Weather is nice, I'm more active, stress at work has decreased, spending time with friends. Still in flatline, still okay with that. Although some healthy MO would feel good, I know that it's very much a "nice to have" not "must have" in my life.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 399 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Damn. I was doing well with not looking at porn substitutes, then strayed from the path. Long story short, I was checking out a news website, and saw an article written by some fitness babe. Wow, who's she? Then, fell down a rabbit hole of Google image searches. No PSMO or anything really bad like that, but now I have to restart the count. Sigh.

 

[Androg]

Day 399 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Damn. I was doing well with not looking at porn substitutes, then strayed from the path. Long story short, I was checking out a news website, and saw an article written by some fitness babe. Wow, who's she? Then, fell down a rabbit hole of Google image searches. No PSMO or anything really bad like that, but now I have to restart the count. Sigh.

Oh well. You’re still doing great.

 

[GBS]

Hi mate. I think you’re pretty hard on yourself on this, but it’s your call. 52 days of near purity then you have a quick peep at something. Not a heinous crime. You will tell me that slippery slopes are still slippery at the top. Fair enough. As I recall you’re not married so your discipline is in a different county and way higher plain than those of us who are married.

Congrats on the 400 by the way. It’s immense. You’re one of my heroes on here. Changed man. Total legend.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @TryingHarder, this is a process, not a button we can push for instant success. Just keep going forward, that's all we can do.

400 days of not PMOing is fantastic, thus think about that achievement when feeling down about this little slip up.

Best

 

[TryingHarder]

Thanks @Blondie and @GBS. My previous post wasn't meant to be a "oh, woe is me, all is lost" lament, but a "damn, I just stepped in it" vibe.

400 days is fantastic, really. This recent "oops" just makes me resolve to stay vigilant and avoid the bullshit.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 407 (no PMO)

Day 9 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Not much to report, other than doing my best to stay away from porn substitutes.

No relapses, no retreat!

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 409 (no PMO)

Day 11 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Flatline has really confused me.

I mean, I get it: I had a porn addiction, I did a reboot with limited MO, I have stayed clean for a year, and about 6 months after quitting PMO, my dick stopped working. This is unfortunate, but I know this is what happens after you decide to crush a porn addiction.

But what's next? My car is pulled over on the side of the road, dead. How long will it take the tow truck to arrive? When I get the car fixed, where will I go? How long will it take me to get there?

All of this, of course, is an allegory for me asking how long will flatline last, when will I feel confident enough to start dating again, when will I have sex again?

During the addiction, my libido was false and corrupted. Feeling "horny" was really feeling depressed, lonely, angry, or anxious. PMO was the only thing that I knew how to do to relieve my pain.

Now that I've been clean for more than a year, I find myself wondering what "feeling horny" is really like. I mean, I know how I feel when I see a sexy woman in real life, so it's not like my libido has stopped functioning.

When I think "man, I miss feeling horny" what I really mean is, "I don't miss the endless bullshit of PMO". I feel like there's something missing in my life (usually a bad thing) but if what's missing is PMO fueled by a warped libido, then that's a good thing.

So if my libido is being reborn, then it's certainly like a newborn at the moment. It can crawl, but it certainly can't walk yet.

One thing I do know: No relapses, no retreat!

 

[Blondie]

Hey @TryingHarder, you're doing great.

This whole libido thing is gigantic part of our recovery, and I feel like I'm possibly just starting to get somewhere steady in regards to it. It's a up and down all around type of journey, but you're right, we' just have to hang on and never give up.

One thing I do know: No relapses, no retreat!

Hell yeah!

Best

 

[Androg]

Day 409 (no PMO)

Day 11 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Flatline has really confused me.

I mean, I get it: I had a porn addiction, I did a reboot with limited MO, I have stayed clean for a year, and about 6 months after quitting PMO, my dick stopped working. This is unfortunate, but I know this is what happens after you decide to crush a porn addiction.

But what's next? My car is pulled over on the side of the road, dead. How long will it take the tow truck to arrive? When I get the car fixed, where will I go? How long will it take me to get there?

All of this, of course, is an allegory for me asking how long will flatline last, when will I feel confident enough to start dating again, when will I have sex again?

During the addiction, my libido was false and corrupted. Feeling "horny" was really feeling depressed, lonely, angry, or anxious. PMO was the only thing that I knew how to do to relieve my pain.

Now that I've been clean for more than a year, I find myself wondering what "feeling horny" is really like. I mean, I know how I feel when I see a sexy woman in real life, so it's not like my libido has stopped functioning.

When I think "man, I miss feeling horny" what I really mean is, "I don't miss the endless bullshit of PMO". I feel like there's something missing in my life (usually a bad thing) but if what's missing is PMO fueled by a warped libido, then that's a good thing.

So if my libido is being reborn, then it's certainly like a newborn at the moment. It can crawl, but it certainly can't walk yet.

One thing I do know: No relapses, no retreat!

I think you should gauge your libido by what happens when you are with a real partner. The fact that visuals are how you gauged your horniness in the past is less relevant as you discover your normal libido.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 415 (no PMO)

Day 0 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Argh! I just discovered that the browser extension I used to use to block dozens of porn sites is no longer working. It was very effective, and couldn't be easily disabled without entering a long, difficult password. This is like having a really good security guard who has kept you safe for years, and then one day he just doesn't show up for work.

And so, while trying out some other blockers, of course I had to see if they worked; they didn't, and in the process I ended up spending time on some of the sites I used to frequent.

Time to stay away from the internet for a time, and when I come back, I need to find an effective site blocker. I know that at this point, discipline and willpower are my strongest defenses, but having that rock solid blocker sealed the deal.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @TryingHarder, it's okay brother, it happens. That's one thing I don't like about blockers, they can sometimes give you this false sense of protection, when in reality, this has and will depend on you. Nothing wrong with the per, it is just something to keep in mind.

Whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself.

Best

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 418 (no PMO)

Day 0 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Man, that was shitty. Even though I have stayed away from porn 99% of the time over the past year, it was creepy how automatic falling back into the bottomless pit of porn was. Hey, remember all of those sites you used to like? Well, guess what? The security guard is gone, so let's go!

I found a really good blocker (Cold Turkey) that allows me to build a list of blocked sites, protect it with a password, etc.

@Blondie, I totally agree with you about blockers. They usually don't work very well and can be disabled too easily. However, when I saw how quickly I fell back into old habits once the shield was gone, I knew I needed something new. As I posted earlier, discipline and willpower are my strongest defenses, but having a trustworthy blocker seals the deal. Even Thor needs his hammer.

This feels like a very close call. No PMO or MO, but the urge to look and scroll was really strong, and I know that always leads back to the same evil place. Not again.

No relapses, no retreat!

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 420 (no PMO)

Day 2 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

The urge to look at porn/substitutes and MO are pretty strong at the moment. I blame last week's momentary glitch when I was without an effective porn blocker for a few days and my willpower mysteriously vanished. Telling myself no and trying to do things that are positive and productive. And of course limiting my time on the internet always helps.

 

[Androg]

Stay strong. BTW, the title of your thread never fails to make me laugh.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 425 (no PMO)

Day 0 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

This week has been shitty. The urge to look at porn/substitutes continues, and I haven't been able to stay away. Even after 14 months of staying clean, seems like I'm not immune to these stupid siren calls.

At this point, I feel like the reasons why no longer matter. There's always going to be some stress, anxiety, or anger in life. Whatever the problem is, porn is never the solution.

But no PMO and no MO, so at least that's something I can take comfort in.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @TryingHarder. Just get back up and keep on moving. That's the problem when you have a small relapse etc. because it just fires all those neurons again and it's real hard to get back into the groove. Obviously it can be done, but it will take just a little more effort to push through to the other side.

But no PMO and no MO, so at least that's something I can take comfort in.

Nice job. This is a big one, and yes, you should take comfort in that.

Best

Have a good weekend.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 427 (no PMO)

Day 2 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I took some time to reflect and meditate yesterday and more or less got out of the fog I've been in for the past week or so. Urges aren't as strong, which is always a relief.

No relapses, no retreat!