Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 759 (no PMO)

Day 0 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I don't wish to go into a tailspin over looking at some arousing content lately, but it's a sobering thought: even after two years of being clean and no PMO, this fucking porn addiction still has an influence on me.

As I opined earlier, it's the same scenario: depression + bad behaviour = somehow, this will make me feel better.

Time to shut off my computer and go for a long walk.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Dear @TryingHarder , may I enquire? Did you just look at some porn subs are did that then make you MO with the thoughts? I realise my drawing a distinction is dangerous, but the simple truth is you know you’re just mildly clearing away some of those nettles that grew 8 foot high over the neural pathways. Not actually much more than that.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
It's okay @TryingHarder, I understand how you feel. It's a humbling thought to think you're getting over it (which you are) but then find yourself jumping back into it for a moment and realizing it can still have a grip on you if you let it. The fact is, you are over it, however, that little part of your brain still wants it once in a while, and that part I imagine will take a long time to go away.

Keep fighting man, you haven't lost it. You still didn't PMO. You're still going strong. One mistake does not define you.

Best
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 765 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

The past week was a very difficult one. A great deal of stress and anxiety led me back to the familiar bullshit:
  • before I knew what I was doing...
  • just let me take a quick look at something...
  • all I know is I'm struggling and want to feel better!
I'm feeling very fragile, and also vulnerable to the siren calls of porn (or substitutes). As a result, I'm doing my best to generally stay off the internet and get back on the right path instead of wandering lost through the woods.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 779 (no PMO)

Day 7 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Last Sunday I fell into the trap of looking at porn / substitutes. 😔 Lots of stress at work that follows me into my personal life, so my troubled mind wants some relief and peace and looks for it in the wrong places. Still fragile and vulnerable, so I've generally just stayed away from the internet as much as possible.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 785 (no PMO)

Day 13 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

My new mantra: You will never find any solutions, comfort, or peace by looking at porn. I have literally repeated this to myself over and over inside my head for the past week. My stress has eased somewhat, but generally feeling mentally exhausted after many tough weeks.
 
M

marco_60

Active Member
TryingHarder said:
Day 785 (no PMO)

Day 13 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

My new mantra: You will never find any solutions, comfort, or peace by looking at porn. I have literally repeated this to myself over and over inside my head for the past week. My stress has eased somewhat, but generally feeling mentally exhausted after many tough weeks.
Click to expand...
Well, t is simply true for all of us here, TH :) : you are brave and you admit it!
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
TryingHarder said:
Day 785 (no PMO)

Day 13 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

My new mantra: You will never find any solutions, comfort, or peace by looking at porn. I have literally repeated this to myself over and over inside my head for the past week. My stress has eased somewhat, but generally feeling mentally exhausted after many tough weeks.
Click to expand...

You are so right, and I so identify with you! Porn is like a drug: it helps numb you to whatever is stressing you. No more helpful than actual drugs or alcohol, but it seems like it, for just a minute. Like you, I have to tell myself that it doesn't actually help and indeed I feel worse later.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 796 (no PMO)

Day 24 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Not much to report (I guess that's a good thing). Still keeping away from looking at things I shouldn't and still reciting my mantra: You will never find any solutions, comfort, or peace by looking at porn.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 806 (no PMO)

Day 6 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Last Sunday I strayed from the path and wasted time looking at porn. Later, some MO. It became one of those "enough is enough" moments where I was appalled and disappointed by the bullshit and my inability to know better. The idea that somehow either one of these awful endeavors will help me in any way needs to be crushed forever.

As a result, I am now once again limiting my time on the internet and trying to improve my mental health.

You will never find any solutions, comfort, or peace by looking at porn.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 811 (no PMO)

Day 11 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

While I'm proud of being 2+ years clean of PMO, I realize that the damage has been done and the awful formula is still pretty strong in my troubled mind: anxiety + sexual thoughts + masturbation = relief. That equation is totally wrong, of course. Whenever I experience depression or stress, my warped mind thinks sexual thoughts, memories of favourite porn girls, and other pornographic scenarios. Ugh.

So I realize I need another reboot. I'm going to try for 90 days without MO and shutting down any sexual thoughts - unless they are inspired by a real woman in positive circumstances. And even then, MO isn't on the table. Generally speaking, MO is a pretty disappointing experience for me these days – I certainly have better things to do.

And, as always, I remind myself: You will never find any solutions, comfort, or peace by looking at porn.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 824 (no PMO)

Day 24 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

2+ years of no PMO, and yet I feel like the addiction still has a grip on me. My default reaction to stress and anxiety is always the same: sexual thoughts and the urge to MO. Not happening, but it reminds me of a quote from the TV show Loudermilk: "while we're in therapy, our addiction is out in the parking lot doing push ups". 🙃 I remind myself that every time I allow myself to think pornographic thoughts, my addiction is laughing at me. So fuck you, addiction. Imagining I can fly is a much better use of my brainwaves.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 840 (no PMO)

Day 40 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Been awhile since I posted, but not too much to report. Getting better at shutting down sexual thoughts and urges to MO that I know are linked to stress, anxiety, and other bad vibes. What's left of the addiction inside my brain is trying, but not getting anywhere.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 863 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Argh! I was doing really well, and then... My experience speaks to the danger of triggers lurking where you don't suspect them.

I was on Facebook, and Zuckerberg's robots decided that some woman's sexy video should be in my reels feed. I clicked on it out of a sense of "what's that doing here?!" more than a desire to look at anything arousing. Bad idea. She's basically someone who posts tons of sexy videos on various social media channels (and I know, since I had to check her out) in order to get guys over to her Only Fans site. :poop:

And so I foolishly listened to another siren's call. The dopamine was definitely flowing. I didn't waste too much time, but certainly had to fight off the urge to PSMO (porn subs + masturbation + orgasm). Seems like the addiction still has some tricks up its' sleeve, so all I can do is fire up the will power again and stay off the internet for awhile. :oops:
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 870 (no PMO)

Day 8 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

An old, wise fish swims past two young fish and asks '"how's the water?" "Fine," they reply. A moment later, one of the young fish asks the other "what is water?"

When we're in the grips of an addiction and behaving badly, we don't notice it; it seems normal. Only when we come to grips with an addiction and realize how grotesque and harmful our bad behaviour is do we understand and think differently.

I'm still having unwanted sexual thoughts, struggling to keep them at bay, and avoiding urges to MO that I know are inspired by poor mental health. I look forward to the day when my mind has completely healed and all of this is behind me - I want to be like one of those young fish, swimming in a world free of porn and pornographic thoughts. 😏
 
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