Crawling from the wreckage
- Thread starter TryingHarder
- Start date
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Day 877 (no PMO)
Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Back to having not too much to report: occasionally having unwanted sexual thoughts that I know are triggered by depression/stress/anxiety and the porn addiction. Doing my best to say no and shutting those thoughts down.
I'm thinking since I don't have much new to say after sharing my thoughts for more than two years, maybe it's time for me to stop coming to this forum so often.
Reboot Nation has certainly been an important part of my reboot and recovery. As I have opined earlier, a porn addiction is really shameful and so sharing it with people is very difficult; since this forum is full of people going through the same experience, it's certainly a safe space. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journal with advice, encouragement, and camaraderie in this weird and confusing journey.
So I'm not leaving for good, but think I've reached a point where I am comfortable posting here less often – and I think that's a good thing.
Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Back to having not too much to report: occasionally having unwanted sexual thoughts that I know are triggered by depression/stress/anxiety and the porn addiction. Doing my best to say no and shutting those thoughts down.
I'm thinking since I don't have much new to say after sharing my thoughts for more than two years, maybe it's time for me to stop coming to this forum so often.
Reboot Nation has certainly been an important part of my reboot and recovery. As I have opined earlier, a porn addiction is really shameful and so sharing it with people is very difficult; since this forum is full of people going through the same experience, it's certainly a safe space. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journal with advice, encouragement, and camaraderie in this weird and confusing journey.
So I'm not leaving for good, but think I've reached a point where I am comfortable posting here less often – and I think that's a good thing.
GBS
Respected Member
Good luck, mate.Day 877 (no PMO)
Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Back to having not too much to report: occasionally having unwanted sexual thoughts that I know are triggered by depression/stress/anxiety and the porn addiction. Doing my best to say no and shutting those thoughts down.
I'm thinking since I don't have much new to say after sharing my thoughts for more than two years, maybe it's time for me to stop coming to this forum so often.
Reboot Nation has certainly been an important part of my reboot and recovery. As I have opined earlier, a porn addiction is really shameful and so sharing it with people is very difficult; since this forum is full of people going through the same experience, it's certainly a safe space. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journal with advice, encouragement, and camaraderie in this weird and confusing journey.
So I'm not leaving for good, but think I've reached a point where I am comfortable posting here less often – and I think that's a good thing.
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Good luck @TryingHarderDay 877 (no PMO)
Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Back to having not too much to report: occasionally having unwanted sexual thoughts that I know are triggered by depression/stress/anxiety and the porn addiction. Doing my best to say no and shutting those thoughts down.
I'm thinking since I don't have much new to say after sharing my thoughts for more than two years, maybe it's time for me to stop coming to this forum so often.
Reboot Nation has certainly been an important part of my reboot and recovery. As I have opined earlier, a porn addiction is really shameful and so sharing it with people is very difficult; since this forum is full of people going through the same experience, it's certainly a safe space. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journal with advice, encouragement, and camaraderie in this weird and confusing journey.
So I'm not leaving for good, but think I've reached a point where I am comfortable posting here less often – and I think that's a good thing.
It's nice to come back here from time to time, but it also helps to 'forget' about it a bit and focus on our life without porn. All the while reminding ourselves that a relapse can come out of nowhere and it's good to remember the tool kit we developed here in case urges happen!
Blondie
Respected Member
I get this @TryingHarder. It's always been a pleasure, and I'll miss your sense of humor, but as you said, this isn't a complete goodbye.Day 877 (no PMO)
Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
Back to having not too much to report: occasionally having unwanted sexual thoughts that I know are triggered by depression/stress/anxiety and the porn addiction. Doing my best to say no and shutting those thoughts down.
I'm thinking since I don't have much new to say after sharing my thoughts for more than two years, maybe it's time for me to stop coming to this forum so often.
Reboot Nation has certainly been an important part of my reboot and recovery. As I have opined earlier, a porn addiction is really shameful and so sharing it with people is very difficult; since this forum is full of people going through the same experience, it's certainly a safe space. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journal with advice, encouragement, and camaraderie in this weird and confusing journey.
So I'm not leaving for good, but think I've reached a point where I am comfortable posting here less often – and I think that's a good thing.
Best
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
I've lost track of how many days it's been, but pleased to report that it's been more than 1,000 days with no PMO and more than 30 days of no porn substitutes. This April will mark 3 years for me free from PMO.
I've come to realize that unfortunately I have replaced my porn addiction with an internet addiction. I mean, a general internet addiction has always been a thing with me, but lately I've really looked at my internet use and realized that it's the same stupid patterns and the same bad behaviour as the porn addiction.
Research shows that with an addiction, merely looking for a fix (whatever that is) and the anticipation of finding that fix actually releases more dopamine than finding something you like and "enjoying" it.
When poor mental health strikes, I'm drawn towards loitering on the internet. Let's check my social media feeds. Let's scroll through YouTube. Let's look at things. Let's check social media again. Let's scroll some more.
What am I looking for? What do I hope to find? I keep on reminding myself: I will never find any knowledge, solutions, or comfort by aimlessly scrolling online.
I do my best to find comfort or a sense of satisfaction in doing ordinary things instead of thinking of these things as a nuisance that need to be done so that I can get to my "happy place" – sitting in front of a computer. Today I exercised, did some housework, did some meal preparation for work lunches next week, and went for a walk. I try to enjoy these things because I want my happy place to be doing something positive and productive; sitting in front of a screen scrolling though bullshit is negative and wasteful.
So while I wish I had a more positive update after a long absence on this forum, I just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere. Generally speaking, life is good. Hope everyone here is likewise doing well.
No relapses, no retreats!
I've come to realize that unfortunately I have replaced my porn addiction with an internet addiction. I mean, a general internet addiction has always been a thing with me, but lately I've really looked at my internet use and realized that it's the same stupid patterns and the same bad behaviour as the porn addiction.
Research shows that with an addiction, merely looking for a fix (whatever that is) and the anticipation of finding that fix actually releases more dopamine than finding something you like and "enjoying" it.
When poor mental health strikes, I'm drawn towards loitering on the internet. Let's check my social media feeds. Let's scroll through YouTube. Let's look at things. Let's check social media again. Let's scroll some more.
What am I looking for? What do I hope to find? I keep on reminding myself: I will never find any knowledge, solutions, or comfort by aimlessly scrolling online.
I do my best to find comfort or a sense of satisfaction in doing ordinary things instead of thinking of these things as a nuisance that need to be done so that I can get to my "happy place" – sitting in front of a computer. Today I exercised, did some housework, did some meal preparation for work lunches next week, and went for a walk. I try to enjoy these things because I want my happy place to be doing something positive and productive; sitting in front of a screen scrolling though bullshit is negative and wasteful.
So while I wish I had a more positive update after a long absence on this forum, I just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere. Generally speaking, life is good. Hope everyone here is likewise doing well.
No relapses, no retreats!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
On the eve of 3 years being clean (no PMO)...
Although life is good and I have a lot to be thankful for, I still find myself troubled and straying from the path. Depression and loneliness spur unwanted sexual thoughts that are hard to get rid of. If I MO, it's always unsatisfying and I feel dismayed and embarrassed afterwards. At almost 56 years of age it's pretty clear that I should just stop masturbating.
Loneliness and complete lack of any sex or even affection for a very long time is taking it's toll. I decided that I couldn't start dating anyone until I was at least one year clean. That happened, but then a long period of serious family matters saw me further delaying any attempts to meet anyone and start a relationship. I will need to gather up some confidence and make something happen soon; I definitely feel like I'm running out of time.
As always: no relapses, no retreats.
Although life is good and I have a lot to be thankful for, I still find myself troubled and straying from the path. Depression and loneliness spur unwanted sexual thoughts that are hard to get rid of. If I MO, it's always unsatisfying and I feel dismayed and embarrassed afterwards. At almost 56 years of age it's pretty clear that I should just stop masturbating.
Loneliness and complete lack of any sex or even affection for a very long time is taking it's toll. I decided that I couldn't start dating anyone until I was at least one year clean. That happened, but then a long period of serious family matters saw me further delaying any attempts to meet anyone and start a relationship. I will need to gather up some confidence and make something happen soon; I definitely feel like I'm running out of time.
As always: no relapses, no retreats.
GBS
Respected Member
Hi @TryingHarder - nice to hear from you again. I know you’re an infrequent poster now. Just want to say that I can identify with a lot of what you say. I am a tiny bit older than you and am 3 years sober. So when you say MO is not satisfying and you feel embarrassed afterwards, I am the same. So dispute the sample size being small, I reckon that’s normal for us older gents. Your resolve does you credit. Keep going. Like you I have slightly come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t masturbate but the temptation is too much for me sometimes.
As for you finding someone - this Will happen. You’re 56 not 86! Soothsayers will say it’s more likely the less you go looking for it. Nothing more attractive than I person who isn’t trying too hard (to find a partner). Good luck and many congratulations on the 3 years. That’s immense.
As for you finding someone - this Will happen. You’re 56 not 86! Soothsayers will say it’s more likely the less you go looking for it. Nothing more attractive than I person who isn’t trying too hard (to find a partner). Good luck and many congratulations on the 3 years. That’s immense.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Today makes it three years clean for me (no PMO).
The addiction still casts a shadow over my life, but that's to be expected after such a long addiction period.
"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. - André Gide
The addiction still casts a shadow over my life, but that's to be expected after such a long addiction period.
"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. - André Gide
Blondie
Respected Member
This is fantastic news, @TryingHarder! I'm very happy for you.
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Percival
Active Member
@TryingHarder, yeah, what @GBS said! On both points: it's not satisfying and is embarrassing afterwards, but beforehand it seems like it will be. I don't think that's an age thing, it's just that it just isn't really want we want, and a substitute is just never as good (just like the carob brownies my mom used to make when I was a kid: just as good as chocolate! Spoiler: it's not). But it's also true about finding someone: the more you can relax, forgive yourself, and just enjoy people, the more attractive you'll be. Which is ironic but somehow seems to be true, at every age.