Crawling from the wreckage

[GBS]

I just reread most of your story and remembered how similar we are. I find that I can resist the porn through my own self discipline and having support on here. It’s hard but you know it is right. The confusing one for me is MO. I recall that you, like me, we’re going hard core but you let yourself MO after a month. I did the same then went nearly 7 weeks (a further 45 days) without MO until I sort of had to. That was just over a week ago, and since then my mind is all over the place and my penis too. So I am 90+ days no PMO but because I MO’d recently I feel a bit flat and I seem to have low libido and no sense that I could get an erection.

It all makes me wonder if no MO is the answer. I mean none at all. When I was bursting maybe I could have resisted and I just gave into the MO urge. It was dominating my mind and when I did I didn’t need anything kinky to think about to get there. Wondered how you were and are given your about 2 weeks since your MO I recall?
PS and we’ll done by the way. Proud of you. I first commented on yours when you were on day 12. You’re now 43 days clean. I am proud to have known you for precisely one month. Keep going my friend. I owe you so much you have no idea.

 

[TryingHarder]

Thanks GBS!

I think the MO thing can be confusing. Some go hardcore and cut it out completely. Maybe some religious types want to avoid it forever. Whatever works for you. I figured once every 30 days during the 90 day reboot would be okay. At the moment, I could go for some MO, but I'm saying no until the next 30 day mark. It's still early days for me (kind of) but, unlike others, I haven't noticed any flatlining or libido problems.

My main thing is: if I get an urge to MO, it has to be for "good" reasons and not because of stress or anxiety or the porn addiction trying to reassert itself.

 

[GBS]

MO for good reasons is in some ways the biggest challenge. You wrote a piece before about fantasising and what was ok and what wasn’t. You included a link to various views on this. My therapist told me that it can be very confusing and fantasy Is fine but I know what’s healthy and what isn’t. As soon as your thoughts get close to dangerous you have to be disciplined and not go there. Really hard.

Keep going my friend. And keep writing.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 46. Hooray!

Interesting MO episode last night. Long story short, I went out for beers after work with colleagues, including the very attractive partner of a co-worker. While I wasn't completely filled with lust at the time, that encounter definitely planted a seed, which led me to MO later on. Yes, I'm still in reboot mode and should resist MO, but to be honest it was fun. And so, the final score is Porn Girls: 0, Real Women: 1.

 

[GrateClips]

Day 46. Hooray!

Interesting MO episode last night. Long story short, I went out for beers after work with colleagues, including the very attractive partner of a co-worker. While I wasn't completely filled with lust at the time, that encounter definitely planted a seed, which led me to MO later on. Yes, I'm still in reboot mode and should resist MO, but to be honest it was fun. And so, the final score is Porn Girls: 0, Real Women: 1.

for me that's the hardest thing now that I seem to have awaken to porn.. the attractive female coworker problem. It was always so easy to just let my mind wander down a fantasy path with any number of attractive coworkers over the years. Every time I've done this I've only made myself escape from the world and stop being in the present, with myself, my wife, my family. One thing I'm trying to work on is being more focused when I am around females, and when looking at them, focusing on what we are talking about, not looking at them and treating the situation as a gateway to a sexual fantasy which like you, in my past has led to either PMO or MO. It's super hard though.

 

[GBS]

We’re breaking a habit guys. It’s really hard. Keep the fantasies real and as far from porn memories as possible. Keep going guys.

 

[TryingHarder]

Hey, you have an advantage, GrateClips: you have a wife to focus your desires on. There are times when I feel sleazy/guilty for MO while thinking about someone at work, but as long as the fantasy isn't too pornographic and doesn't become too intense or too often , I can't really see the harm. Much better to MO thinking about a real woman rather than a stupid picture on my computer screen.

 

[TryingHarder]

Man, last night I relapsed into my other problem: anxiety eating. Feeling some strain and reached for junk food. Not the worst thing in the world, but definitely a feeling of "you dummy" today. Bad parallels with the porn addiction: depression + urges + PMO + regret + deleting files (or throwing out the rest of the junk food). 36 km bike ride this morning helped and made me feel like I did something positive after something negative.

 

[GrateClips]

Man, last night I relapsed into my other problem: anxiety eating. Feeling some strain and reached for junk food. Not the worst thing in the world, but definitely a feeling of "you dummy" today. Bad parallels with the porn addiction: depression + urges + PMO + regret + deleting files (or throwing out the rest of the junk food). 36 km bike ride this morning helped and made me feel like I did something positive after something negative.

So the things you describe fit the motif of sexual addiction which touches on also the ability to quickly use other avenues such as eating, alcohol, gaming, or anything else pleasurable (in smaller rational doses) to make ourselves feel better. But sex is #1. Have you read "Out of the Shadows" by P Carnes?

 

[GrateClips]

Hey, you have an advantage, GrateClips: you have a wife to focus your desires on. There are times when I feel sleazy/guilty for MO while thinking about someone at work, but as long as the fantasy isn't too pornographic and doesn't become too intense or too often , I can't really see the harm. Much better to MO thinking about a real woman rather than a stupid picture on my computer screen.

Yes I do have an advantage but it was something i just totally took for granted for so many years. How quickly a woman that other people have told me is so kind and beautiful became someone I just took for granted.

Since you are unattached then I do not see the harm. Sorry i thought you were married. however my personal take is if MO to a real woman just make sure you set clear boundaries on what you are doing, how often you want to do it for and hopefully not form a new habit if and hopefully when you find a new woman.

 

[TryingHarder]

Yes, a psychologist recommended Facing The Shadows by Patrick Carnes years ago ( a different book than Out Of The Shadows). As I recall, it was helpful.

 

[Gooner]

Sending this poem, really made me think when it was shared with me.....

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 48. Still good, although some stress is making me a little crazy and it's like someone is whispering "porn, naked girls" in my ear. Today while searching for a funny meme, I saw something that was a little triggering. It's like an elephant being afraid of a mouse, but still. Reminds me of how nefarious porn is.

 

[TryingHarder]

In some other threads, I've discussed how struggling with an OCD has certainly made my porn addiction much worse:

• Sticking to a schedule of browsing for porn every day
• Downloading photos and videos
• Editing the photo sets so I see exactly what I want
• Naming and organizing folders of porn

Ugh! At the time it seemed so satisfying, but now it seems like a nightmare, a complete goddamn waste of time that consumed my life for more than 20 years.

Glad I shared these thoughts: now I'm angry with myself (in a good way) and more determined to not waste even 5 seconds of my life with porn bullshit ever again.

 

[Gooner]

Well done, i love your attitude towards your porn addiction, its like "you've wasted my time for years, now go away & leave me alone" that's a great way to think of it.
I find now aswell it really helps when you write things down, more so than on somewhere like this is writing it down on paper.
Well done today

 

[GrateClips]

In some other threads, I've discussed how struggling with an OCD has certainly made my porn addiction much worse:

• Sticking to a schedule of browsing for porn every day
• Downloading photos and videos
• Editing the photo sets so I see exactly what I want
• Naming and organizing folders of porn

Ugh! At the time it seemed so satisfying, but now it seems like a nightmare, a complete goddamn waste of time that consumed my life for more than 20 years.

Glad I shared these thoughts: now I'm angry with myself (in a good way) and more determined to not waste even 5 seconds of my life with porn bullshit ever again.

when you get down to it the addiction is layers upon layers of mental yarn to untangle. I feel like here in the 40+ category we are looking at this whole thing a lot more broadly than the young guys who just want to try and get their erections back. Which is certainly nothing wrong as it was the reason I ended up here but I quickly realized like you guys how much this has warped our mind.

i think its super important to be in the present and look to the future as a goal, (not daydream into the future but do nothing about it). Living in the past and especially mentally beating one self up for failed actions or wrong choices is absolutely not the way at least as far as spending too much time on it.

congrats on day 48/9.

 

[TryingHarder]

I feel like here in the 40+ category we are looking at this whole thing a lot more broadly than the young guys who just want to try and get their erections back.

Yes, sir!

If I can even help one young guy to change course before his entire life gets plagued by a porn addiction, I will consider that a great accomplishment. Reading about teenagers who got hooked as young as 8 or 10 years old is very scary. Even scarier: I've been addicted to porn for longer than some forum members have been alive!

 

[GrateClips]

Yes, sir!

If I can even help one young guy to change course before his entire life gets plagued by a porn addiction, I will consider that a great accomplishment. Reading about teenagers who got hooked as young as 8 or 10 years old is very scary. Even scarier: I've been addicted to porn for longer than some forum members have been alive!

yeah i think back then a 10 year old would maybe see a playboy picture but access to the videos and such would have been really hard for most people. today's generation faces unprecedented challenges. i fear we will only see an ever expanding explosion of problems from all this stuff.

preventing or helping treat one addiction could literally be the most profound thing you could ever do in your life

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 50! More than half way done the 90 day reboot. Feeling fine. Zero urges for PMO, and keeping the MO urges in check. This forum has been a tremendous help - even though it's online, I feel like I'm not doing this alone. Thanks to everyone for their support and encouragement.

 

[Blondie]

Nice job Traying Harder!