Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 89 (no PMO), day 3 (no MO).

As mentioned earlier, I also struggle with a general internet addiction. That is, I spend too much time scrolling and loitering online, looking for something of interest, like I'm trying to solve a problem and "something" on the internet will give me what I'm looking for. Whatever that is.

One of my hobbies is LEGO. I use a design program to create cool things, then order the bricks, and build them. It's fun. But I've started noticing some weird parallels with my porn addiction:

✔️Spending too much time in front of a computer
✔️It can become compulsive instead of fun
✔️It can sometimes be motivated by stress
✔️I spend a lot of time scrolling and looking for what I want
✔️I spend a lot of time getting things just the way I want them

Sound familiar? :cautious:

Yes, I know that noodling around with LEGO software and doing something fun and creative is a million times better than porn, but it's still troubling to discover all of this. So here's yet another thing that I have to be mindful of. Maybe others have noticed similar parallels with video games or other online activities.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 90 (no PMO), day 4 (no MO).

Okay, well 90 days is a milestone. I feel proud, but also realize that this is merely a first step.

Keeping this journal and providing comments and support on others has been a valuable experience. Thanks to @GBS, @Blondie, @Phineas 808, @GrateClips and others for your support and encouragement.

Thought it would be good to re-share some of my previous reflections at this point...

The world of porn is a seductive one. It's a weird fantasy world where you're in charge, you will always get what you want, and have a good time. It's disturbing how you develop a "relationship" with your favourite girls. You collect their photos and videos. You imagine conversations with them. But ultimately, you're just a disturbed guy who's fapping in front of his computer.

Porn addiction is truly shameful. If you were to confide to someone that you had a drinking problem or a drug problem, they would most likely be concerned, and ask how they could help. However, confessing to a porn addiction would conjure up images of you sitting in front of a computer with your pants around your ankles fapping. This is why it's so hard to talk about.

Regular exercise and a good night's sleep are helping. All of us want some kind of magic bullet in life to lose weight, deal with depression, help beat a porn addiction, etc. But guess what? Exercise, a good night's sleep, and staying away from fast food and junk food really do wonders.

Struggling with an OCD has certainly made my porn addiction much worse:
  • Sticking to a schedule of browsing for porn every day
  • Downloading photos and videos
  • Editing the photo sets so I see exactly what I want
  • Naming and organizing folders of porn
Ugh! At the time it seemed so satisfying, but now it seems like a nightmare, a complete goddamn waste of time that consumed my life for more than 20 years.

If I can even help one young guy to change course before his entire life gets plagued by a porn addiction, I will consider that a great accomplishment. Reading about teenagers who got hooked as young as 8 or 10 years old is very scary.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
This is fantastic Trying Harder!

90 days is indeed a giant milestone. Thanks for inspiring me.

Keep it up man, but do not touch it! ;)

Best

Blondie
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
yay! Congratulations on 90 days! :)

That post you re-shared is so bang on. Matches my own reflections word for word. What a waste of time! If I'd known when I was 14 how many hours this "habit" would add up to over the decades - maybe I would have run the other way. Maybe. But it's never too late! :)
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
We’ll done pal. Proud of you. 90 days is more than a good start. It’s a serious platform. It’s got experience and you know some of your triggers and how you combat them. You have been a massive inspiration to me and others, so you should be proud too.

Don’t stop. And keep writing as I think you’re very talented at that too.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@TryingHarder 90 days! Super proud of you. My belief is to keep busy and frequent recognition of self effort will negate need for external feel good. I too have started exercise recently and have been feeling great about myself. Can I ask besides exercise and rest how else are you keeping busy these days?
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Congrats, Trying Harder, on the milestone 90 days! That is no small potatoes. Each and every time you consistently said 'No' or rather dismissed the urges, said 'Yes' to your future and free self.

I like your inspirational musings above, too, as they are so true. You can confess being an addict to eating mattresses for crying out loud, but if you mention 'this' addiction..., it's just so shame inducing, right?

I also appreciate the OCD thing, not that I've been diagnosed, but I've seen my own obsessive compulsions toward P, PMO, or MO- up for hours searching for that perfect video, trying to NOT do it, going back and forth, being fully immersed in one's ritual about it, it is not a far cry to make comparisons (except for the pleasure factor). I think cutting edge mindfulness approaches toward OCD have been very helpful in my own journey in overcoming this!
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Can I ask besides exercise and rest how else are you keeping busy these days?
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Doing my best to spend time with other people and indulge in my hobbies. Also, it's summer, so I'm trying to spend more time outside. There are lots of ways to keep busy - except with porn, of course! I think many of us got so used to the wretched routine of porn that maybe we forgot how to do other, normal, positive things. Since I'm single, it's more of a struggle to stay occupied - hopefully those of you with partners and families don't have that problem.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I completely agree. Decades of P use have rendered me unaware of my personal interests and strengths. I am fortunate that my growing child requires my attention so I have less time for myself. When I was alone and unmarried earlier it was a big challenge to occupy myself back then.

Now I try to
1. plan for activities ahead
2. Schedule my calendar as full as possible
3. Set aside some books for reading
4. Set aside time for community work and contribution
5. Home school on Udemy

With greater p distance comes greater closeness to self. I find that it's easier when I am thinking how to improve myself and my quality of life, and move in that direction and recognize my efforts and achievements there.

If you can, keep a pet. They constantly need care and attention , and that will keep you somewhat occupied.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
All great ideas, TakeActionNow. Basically, doing almost anything besides porn is a good idea! This evening I signed up for a 25 km group bike ride, something I've never done before.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 92 (no PMO), day 6 (no MO).

90 days is indeed significant, but I still only see it as a first step. Previously, the longest I was able to stay clean was 5 months. And so at 6 months (October 20, 2022) I will consider that my first major milestone. One year (April 20, 2023) will be even better.

One day at a time...
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 95 (no PMO), day 9 (no MO).

Generally doing fine with keeping the porn addiction at bay, but my mental health otherwise is a struggle. Long story short, my weekends tend to be boring and lonely. Instead of looking forward to weekends, there's a bit of dread since I know I'll be largely alone. Trying to spend more time with friends, but it's summer and my friends have plans, families, vacations, etc, so I'm not always able to connect. Thankfully, the loneliness is not leading me back to porn, since I know that would be an obvious and terrible trap for me to fall into.
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
TryingHarder said:
Day 95 (no PMO), day 9 (no MO).

Generally doing fine with keeping the porn addiction at bay, but my mental health otherwise is a struggle. Long story short, my weekends tend to be boring and lonely. Instead of looking forward to weekends, there's a bit of dread since I know I'll be largely alone. Trying to spend more time with friends, but it's summer and my friends have plans, families, vacations, etc, so I'm not always able to connect. Thankfully, the loneliness is not leading me back to porn, since I know that would be an obvious and terrible trap for me to fall into.
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Good job for not letting loneliness leading you back to porn. I have a hard time dealing with loneliness myself.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
My own rules for MO is more or less: I have to be in a good mood, it can't be motivated by stress or bad vibes, there has to be some natural inspiration rather than digital stimulation. Recently I've had the urge to MO, but quickly realize that it's for the wrong reasons and will no doubt end badly. Perhaps the only thing worse than being bored and lonely on the weekend is to think masturbation will solve the problem. That would move me from feeling bored and lonely to feeling pathetic. :(

Hope you find a positive way to deal with your loneliness, Escape. It's not easy, but I find if it gets really bad, I have to be honest with my friends and say "hey listen, I'm feeling pretty lonely lately, what are you up to?"
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
TryingHarder said:
My own rules for MO is more or less: I have to be in a good mood, it can't be motivated by stress or bad vibes, there has to be some natural inspiration rather than digital stimulation. Recently I've had the urge to MO, but quickly realize that it's for the wrong reasons and will no doubt end badly. Perhaps the only thing worse than being bored and lonely on the weekend is to think masturbation will solve the problem. That would move me from feeling bored and lonely to feeling pathetic. :(
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I like how you said this, man. That's exactly how it is.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 96 (no PMO), day 10 (no MO).

Some stress-related urges to MO today, but I'm saying no. It's troubling how something negative (stress, anxiety) triggers thoughts of something positive (sex). However, the urges are not really sexual; it's the deep down urge to PMO talking. Find some pictures of naked girls and fap, it will make you feel better, c'mon, you know they want you to! I like to think that my porn addiction never warped my attitudes and thoughts towards real women, but clearly there's something really unpleasant branded on my brain after years of porn. I sometimes feel like even talking to an attractive woman is out of bounds at the moment until I can really recover from the porn addiction.
 
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