Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 226.

Things are okay. No urges to MO. Flatline actually feels comfortable instead of distressing. I actually had a sexy dream last night, which was kind of fun. Morning wood lets me know everything is still working properly. Still trying to limit my time online and stay busy with things that don't require being in front of a screen.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 230.

Things are still okay. No urges to MO. Flatline? Fine by me, because it provides a weird peace of mind. Lately there have been some major stressors at work that in the old days would have certainly had me going nuts with PMO. But not anymore. Now, when an unexpected sexual / porn thought comes into my head, it doesn't last long. It's a bit like walking down a street and having some weirdo raving at you to get your attention. I ignore the distraction, silently say "whatever, fuck off", and keep walking.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Day 230.

Things are still okay. No urges to MO. Flatline? Fine by me, because it provides a weird peace of mind. Lately there have been some major stressors at work that in the old days would have certainly had me going nuts with PMO. But not anymore. Now, when an unexpected sexual / porn thought comes into my head, it doesn't last long. It's a bit like walking down a street and having some weirdo raving at you to get your attention. I ignore the distraction, silently say "whatever, fuck off", and keep walking.

This sounds like a real nice breakthrough. Totally agree on using flatline as a tool to stay sober and not focused on the old habits.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 233.

Decided to MO yesterday. I was in a good mood, and blue balls needed to be relieved. :sneaky: Used my imagination, and generally just enjoyed the sensations without thinking about porn. No regrets. But after a quick trip out of town, I am now back in Flatlineville. And that's okay.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 235.

The damn sirens were calling yesterday. I foolishly listened to one of them for a few minutes. But I soon steered my ship in the other direction. And now back to peace and quiet.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 239.

Not much to report, which is good. During some moments of stress, memories of porn girls pop into my head. "Yeah, whatever, porn addiction, fuck off" is my usual response.
 
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TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 244.

History repeats itself. A couple of months ago, I posted this:

So I have stumbled with some recent image searches, but I am picking myself up and reminding myself: those girls aren't real, you never had sex with them, you were just some guy jerking off in front of his computer. You're better than this. Forget their names, forget their faces. Eventually, enough time will pass that I will no longer hear those siren calls and I'll be truly free of the addiction.

And earlier this week, the same thing happened. An evening where I just couldn't resist the image searches, like I was remembering actual girlfriends and looking them up on the internet. Awful.

So, once again, I stumble away from the right path and then find my way back. No relapses, no retreats!

I'm now off work until January for the holidays. I plan on seriously limiting my time online to help boost my recovery.

I hope everyone has a great Christmas, and may Santa bring you peace of mind and absolutely no goddamn porn!
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 254.

Happy new year! Santa brought me Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex Addiction. I enjoyed seeing quotes on @Blondie's posts and figured it would be helpful. Here's the daily meditation for January 1:

"Though no one can go back and make brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end."

I used to often dwell on the past, and lament the things I didn't (or did) do. After many years, I realized that the past doesn't exist anymore and it's best to forget it. As I continue to recover from a porn addiction, I sometimes am filled with complete sadness and revulsion over how many years I spent addicted to porn, knowing I had a serious problem but lacking the courage to finally do something about it. However, life can only be understood backwards; we have to live it forwards. All I can do now is continue to move forward and away from porn forever.

Spending time away from the internet has helped. No stupid image searches, and no mindless scrolling and browsing.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 257.

I'm not doing well... A perfect storm of boredom, loneliness, and a stressful situation at work have seen me looking at porn and porn substitutes lately. No PMO or MO, just the awful searching and looking. I was doing so well (at least I thought) and now I'm stumbling again. WTF? I hate this.

I tell myself to recognize the triggers and think of how to prevent and/or compensate. But ultimately, no matter what the trigger, I just have to find the discipline to resist.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @TryingHarder - this could be total bollocks, but I reckon you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much. If you didn’t masturbate then all you did was tease your brain. I think ultimately women would see this as imperfect behaviour. And you know it is obviously because you’re playing with fire and potentially joining the slippery slope. BUT you avoided the biggest mistake.

There are obvious things to say, but you know them: get a hobby; don’t go back to the old you; come on here and journal; talk to a mate. I expect you’ll say yadda yadda etc…..I know it’s not that easy.

Keep going. 257 days is fucking awesome. Proves it’s still hard, which makes 257 even more amazing.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 258.

Late last night, I gave myself a couple of (metaphorical) slaps across the face and got out of the funk I found myself in. Yes, I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but you don't compromise with an addiction. Not feeling too eloquent today, other than to state:

Whatever the problem is, porn is not the fucking answer.


No relapses, no retreat.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 260.

Often times, life is complicated, and I do my best to break things down into smaller and simpler concepts and courses of action. That's easier said than done, and too often while I am trying to untangle those cords, the sleazy voice inside my head (the porn addiction) says: I know what will make you feel better...

That's how it was all through the porn addiction, and that's the way it is recently. Looking at porn and/or porn substitutes not just for 20 seconds and then snapping out of it, but spending an hour or so loitering and scrolling through pages of content, wanting that dopamine fix again. Sad. Disturbing. Grotesque.

I know that I will stumble (everyone does) and I should be proud of 8 months and counting of no PMO. But my recent lapses really bother me - isn't this supposed to get better as time goes on?

I really wish that discipline and will power was a constant. This morning - a nice, clear, winter Saturday morning - all is well and I have no urges to look at porn. But later on this afternoon or evening might be a different story. I do my best to figure out the triggers and avoid them, but ultimately it doesn't matter what the triggers are - the important thing is for me just to say no.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 264.

This week has been great so far for staying off the internet. Part of me feels like there's something missing... Damn right! I'm missing porn, boredom, endless scrolling, bullshit, porn substitutes, wasting my time, etc.

Still in flatline territory, still okay with that.

As always: no relapses, no retreat.
 
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