Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
Very nearly 60 years old. Porn been a problem for lots of years although access was way more difficult back then. Problem for me just got worse when I found it free online so easily.

Moving on....wife caught me two months ago. Both now in therapy. Relationship has been damaged severely. Sleep has been lost. The pain and anguish I have caused is unimaginable. So I'm probably just like everyone else and am trying to give up something I used a lot.

Here's the dilemma for me - PMO (I had to look that up to work out what you guys were on about). I am clean from the P bit for 61 days so far, and found that my initial drop in libido when I was found out meant that I had no inclination for the MO bit. But I curiously found (on about day 30 of the porn abstinence) that I was following my wife around the house just to get a look. That was enough for some MO and I probably did so once a week. It seems healthy and unhealthy, but either way I have decided to do the full no PMO thing.

Day 61 of no P, and currently day 21 of the no MO. Help. Pointing out the obvious, after three weeks you get blue balls almost daily, right? I have found that physical exercise helps, but it doesn't take your mind off it. I want to do 90 days (and more) of the full PMO just need tips from anyone else who has managed it. Just one more thing - my therapy (and my wife's) has recommended boundaries so there's zero sex at home and no prospect of any during my Reboot.

I am a sad man who is getting his life back. I am Getting Better Slowly and I am a recovering porn addict.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks man. No more MO. That’s my goal. No more MO ever. Just better sex with my amazing sexy wife. That’s round the corner or I hope it is. Complete celibacy would be tricky.

we’re Getting Better Slowly
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Following your story with a bit of interest. Im 51 pretty much close to a 40 year addiction incredible isnt it. My wife new i watched it when we met and i never made any promises that I was going to give it up. She couldn't care less if I watched it or not. just she had no interest so I never pushed it on her. When you talk about complete celibacy is that by your choice at the moment or your wife's

Post often it helps me it helps you
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks joepanic.
I don’t want to underplay my success (so far) in quitting PMO, but the new feelings I have are intensified through quitting all forms of MO. Right now as my wife is feeling hugely betrayed there is going to be no sex with her. I am being a better husband and she has said so, so slowly in the right direction. The celibacy is definitely my choice but my wife likes that I am doing that. I think she thinks that any MO will be me fantasising about other women. I have told her that’s not true, 30 days into my quitting porn I MO’d but it was the memory of a picture of my wife (a pretty sexy one to be frank) and the fantasy was with her. So intense and the gush when I came hit my face! I was thrilled but knew the only way for the full reboot for me will be by having my wife understand that I am not fantasising at all.

Building up trust after sort of admitting to some form of betrayal for all our marriage is a tricky one so I am doing the hard core reboot. I read one of the success story threads yesterday….semi inspiring about a 40 year old guy who said his reboot took 200 days and included almost no MO. Frankly the guy sounded like a stud so self comparison was minimal!

So I am on roughly 65 days no PMO (or even looking at porn in any way) and 25 days no ejaculation. My therapist thinks counting days is not the answer but I still do it because everyone else does too! It’s one day at a time. I keep remembering the rewards and my new found focus on my wife and that makes giving up all PMO AND MO actually reasonably easy right now.

i am GETTING BETTER SLOWLY and I am a porn addict.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
You know….it’s weird. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was bad.

No relapse or anything and no urge, just depression at what I had done to my wife. She was pretty non communicative actually but that’s understandable. I think I am being selfish and thinking about poor old me. That’s actually a tricky one because one does need to focus on one’s own recovery……I won’t beat myself up.

I am going to be perfect today.

I am Getting Better Slowly.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Good morning GBS Do you have a back story as to what may have caused your porn addiction. I really dug deep on my own history and found it really helped

Post often it helps me it helps you
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Back story - married at 23 (in 1985) - big mistake. I could write many paragraphs, but bottom line is that I got little or no sex and having been exposed to porn (magazines) as a teenager, I found myself frankly having to resort to them again. Plus some videos (all secretive of course). Wife had an affair - I found out - marriage over (after 1 year ok, 2 sub par and the last 2 awful) after 5 years. The 90s was more active and despite having dented pride and lowered self esteem I did have girl friends and about 3 relationships of some duration. Sex good with one of those and only ok with the others. Can't recall much porn although one of the girls indicated she was interested and that led to some spice.

Anyway ultimately fell in love with current wife who is quite a looker. Sex was great from the start. But I probably always wanted more and whilst I didn't have affairs, I am a flirt and became emotionally attached to one girl. Wife found out and blew her top. This is 19 years ago. i denied it was more than just banter, but it was slightly more. I think she fancied me frankly and not vice versa. So pop psychology says I can't get enough however good it is. i have had gambling issues as well (relieved to say they're gone) but I am an easy dopamine analysis. I don't recall dabbling in much porn at early stage of marriage (no time - kids!) but my wife says I wasn't always "present" and that just got worse when online porn became so freely accessible (2010 or so for me I think). Didn't do a lot of porn but certainly little bits...all got worse during lockdown for Covid when working from home. Kids now older, wife in and out of home so more time on hand to watch more.

Got progressively worse, without me getting into weird stuff but was watching nearly daily and must have been hell to live with. Still had sex life at home but only once a month, so just carried on convincing myself that this was what I would do to get off.

Wife found me out - goes nuts and complains that I have been disinterested in her and lots of other stuff for a long time and if I don't sort it all out with a therapist then it's goodbye. So I have gone PMO free since that time (now counting 70 days or so) and also thought the only way fully to cleanse is to have no MO either, even M without O. Stops the fantasy stuff, makes you be totally disciplined. Makes me wonder if I get through this that my sex life will only be present stuff with wife and there will be no more MO ever. I hope that's the case actually. Feels right. I am no spring chicken so twice a month or so will probably do me. All my current feelings are ones of pure lust for my wife. I get them often but they're different in intensity. Other strings say that you get flatlining - not quite sure what that means but if it just means you stay feeling the same then I am definitely at that point. I know I am mending though, so I feel great about that. The wife is still hurting big time so getting her back is the job at hand while I also recover....so it's a tough ordeal but at least my wife isn't giving up and I have some obvious focus. If she left I wonder if I would relapse. I think I am strong enough as I can see the harm that I did to myself (and by extension to others) so the cleansing is amazing even when I am flatlining.

I will keep you updated. 70 days no PMO and nearly 30 no MO. I am Getting Better Slowly.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
72 days no PMO. 32 days no MO. Here’s a question? I know we’re counting because a 90 day reboot is recommended but the reboot on porn is forever, right? So counting sets us up for a dramatic fall. The depression one could suffer from falling at 100 days, say, might genuinely make you think “well I may as well look for a few days because I’m down a zero again”.
The obvious answer is the cliché of one day at a time, or the thousand mile walk starts with a single step. I am focussing on today and today only. I am in flatline at the moment. No libido oddly, very few morning woods, not struggling with urges, just feel boringly like the day before. I have read other posts which say this is utterly normal and can go on for weeks. So that’s helpful actually. We are not alone and we can tell each other that it does still come out good in the end.
 

Gooner

Member
Flatline is strange isn't it, I could never have imagined going so long without anything, but after 47 days with not even an arousing I don't actually think about it.
Keep going your doing a great job 👍
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks Gooner. Is your 47 days just not watching porn or the full on no MO? I am not saying you have to do the no MO thing, just there are different types of reboot I think.

PS 47 days is good whatever.....keep going and keep writing. I had the tiniest of urges 10 minutes ago - about 6 months ago I definitely would have watched - and I thought I would be better off checking out the Reboot Nation for some discipline and you wrote to me and I am still going in the right direction, so I am in your debt. Thanks very much.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
73 days no PMO, 33 days no MO. Starting to think I should just count the MO. That’s the one that can stop at 90. The no PMO should be forever, right? It’s day by day.

And if I should re-read this back, I am in a weird flatline place. Almost zero libido, I get urges but not quite sure for what. No MW at all. I can’t think of a fantasy to get an erection. Feel as though I am anaesthetised against sex. I have read this is perfectly normal while my brain is changing, but it’s still a slightly worrying state. I think I used to find a fantasy to give myself a boner if I woke up without one, and I could easily do it….but now I can’t. I know I am on track and this is part of the process but it doesn’t;t mean I don’t have concerns.

I am Getting Better Slowly.
 

Gooner

Member
Well done GBS, I know what you mean about the flatline & libido tho. I had a trigger this morning but no erection, not had one for 49 days now, & no PMO in those days either.
Slowly but surely we are getting better, keep going your an inspiration 👍
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Cheers man.

75 days no PMO and 35 no MO. Think I am still in flatline mode. I say think because I got this mini urge yesterday ~ not to watch porn, but to have sex. Given that my libido has been on rock bottom for a while I was almost encouraged by the feeling although it was only a passing moment.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
My daily post. 76 days no PMO. 36 days no MO. Up and down. Urges to MO have returned. Not unhealthy and actually completely stimulated by staring at a picture of my wife. So I am seemingly taking a break fro flatline but not actually sure if that’s the case. According to something I read the hard core reboot with no M at all ( either to O or edge) should include not looking at anything erotic at all. The picture itself isn’t erotic but I do undress her in my mind. I am hard on myself I think. See how the rest of today goes.

Stay on track everyone and keep writing. It helps me to do this so give it a try yourself. I am Getting Better Slowly.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
77 days no PMO and importantly 37 whole days without masturbating. I have never in my life ever gone that long without MO. I have read many articles on this subject and whilst complete abstinence from watching porn and masturbating is obviously essential, masturbating without porn divides opinion.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a pop psychologist or some authority, but my own personal view is that I have masturbated too often in my life and not had enough sexual intercourse. I don’t think we were put on this planet to do it alone. So my own personal goal (which I fail a I am sure) is no more solo masturbating. So 37 days is just a small step. Right now this 37 days includes no sex at all so no release. That will change I sincerely hope.

Got some urges yesterday but they were all from being with wife so healthiest of all. In general flatline though.

I am Getting Better Slowly
 
Top