Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
170 days no porn. 18 days no MO.

One more thing to add re mine above. My wife thinks that any masturbation to fantasy about her is still effectively porn. The images I watched are, for her, just translated such that she’s just the body part. I get where she’s coming from although in my mind I don’t think that’s true. But whether it’s true or not, both her views on the subject and my therapist’s that absolute abstinence is the only way to reclaim who I REALLY am, is the most important thing. I don’t know if wives/partners reading this agree about all fantasy being porn driven, but do comment if so.

My recovery is mine alone. I have learned so much in 6 months. I know closing off the brain to porn was essential but thought I could have something else on the side. I am a man after all. We get strong urges and feel like we’re bursting, right? So we give in because otherwise it’s not fair on us, right? Well for me I am now convinced that gripping on tight to some way of release is a form of infidelity. It probably isn’t infidelity but if my wife thinks it is and my therapist says I won’t discover who I truly am unless I let it go, then I would be mad not to do it.

I wonder what I will be like and how long it will take. I am guessing it will be a wonderful feeling and it may take another 6 months. They won’t be the hardest 6 months of my life, they will be the best.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
First of all, congrats GBS on 170 days porn-free. That's amazing!

I personally don't think masturbating is infidelity, but a relationship consist of two people and what they both agree on, so that's between you and and your lady. However, I think you refraining for some set amount of time is a great idea!

This will be good for you, it will make you see what you're made of. Further, it will give your body a real chance to heal itself from sexual overuse and abuse. You will probably find yourself having much more energy (not to mention sexual energy! lol).

All these things are good.

Best brother.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I know my journey looks like a success story but I am not a fool. Nor am I a hero. I would like to be an example but I can’t accept that yet. I think I am really close to getting off the cycle of addiction but I cannot be complacent. I always come back to my default reason when I get those moments where I want to break out. I am a better man. I may not be fixed but I like the new guy. Why thevhell would I want the old one back?
This is how I feel as well. I've failed so many times at this through out my life. I'm absolutely proud of where I'm at, but know how quickly things can change. Just keep making the best decisions for you and your family each day, each moment, and everything will turn out fine. We know what's right and wrong, just have to continue putting that same effort we have for the last 6 months, into the rest of our lives.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Blondie and @Onmyway19 - you know what, my therapist borderline laughed at me when I asked if edging was ok. She kindly said that to face the demons and TRULY discover the real me….the one who existed before I sexualised women…..then don’t edge, and only masturbate to non fantasy thoughts. Probably, she said kindly, not at all. I sort of knew this was the deal so no surprise. I do fantasise when masturbating and even if not kinky and just my wife, then I think I am holding on to something that stops my complete reboot. Factory settings. So the nice new me will hopefully be better, stronger, more responsible and genuinely clean.

I think this is the ultimate test. I have to do it. It is not just to save my marriage, it is to save me. Let’s go.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I love your enthusiasm GBS!

Thanks for inspiring me.

Save yourself first, then we can save the world.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
171 no PMO. 19 days no MO. Reality check yesterday. Zoom call with wife’s brother and his wife. Haven’t spoken to them much if at all during my 6 months recovery. They had been told. It was a chilling experience. I was serious persona non grata. My wife is American ( I am a Brit) and as she said it, a lot of Americans think pornography addiction is worse than drugs or alcohol. I get it. I can’t be bothered to be annoyed that they don’t rejoice in my success. Why would they? Still, a bit of a jolt. My wife obviously told them virtually nothing in these 6 months. Too bad. Not my problem but a great shame. Time will heal this.

Keep on truckin‘ boys.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I feel it may be that here nudity itself is looked at differently than it is in other countries. Here most of the time nudity=sex. There are many people that do not feel that way obviously, but I think that is the majority. Some attitudes equate porn addiction with a man in a room in the basement doing this non-stop. It is not generally looked at as just an addiction. Hopefully this will work out over time when they get to see the best person you have become!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Gracie . I do understand some of that US psyche. There can occasionally be a puritanical streak too, so this is difficult for me to navigate out. But if ultimately I don’t get judged on the new me but still the old that will not be my problem. It would be a travesty but something that cannot be changed. The slightly kitsch serenity prayer leaps to my mind.

Thank you for your kind words.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear about your experience @GBS. Yes the US definitely has a puritanical streak running through it. Even its secular forms haven't quite freed themselves from this ideology, thus, there's no balance in regards to sex, just reactions of the opposing view. Obviously as @Gracie said, a generalization, but a true one nonetheless.

In the religious culture that I grew up in, violence in movies? No problem, but sex and nudity? BIG PROBLEM. Naturally this makes anyone curious as to why they can't look at this or that all the more curious (hell we couldn't even talk about it!), thus, all the shame and secrecy around sex. This is why for myself I stress a big part of my recovery is reclaiming my true masculinity and healthy sexuality.

Shame for looking at webcams while being in a loving relationship = Good shame

Shame for being a man who is attracted to many women but loyal to one = Bad shame

Either way, press forward and don't let some judge Judies get you down.

You're killing it, and at the end of the day, it's your life, not theirs!
 
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GBS

Well-Known Member
Oh my god (aka OMG) I am getting weird feelings of wanting to break out and be on my own. If I feel oppression at a time when I am improving, it makes me think that the new me might be best off living on his own. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Don’t allow yourself to question whether others are hypocrites. That’s what 18 year olds argue about. Just change yourself and if others want to get you for what you were, then someone at some point will say “so he was imperfect and he dealt with it, why do you want to hang on to what he was?’ If the answer is “we/I can’t forgive him no matter what he does” then that relationship is over. These are delicate times.

I am a diplomat so ye all not. Oh it’s early Sunday morning here - so 172 and 20. Good night.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I am pretty sure I wrote my last post after having too much to drink. Not saying ignore it but I don’t want to break away, just was feeling sorry for myself. Back on my recovery.
It's an open journal and we all have good and bad days. Thanks for sharing! One thing I find that this journey is a very personal one and outside others that are going through the same thing it doesn't seem to translate that well.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @PrometheusUnbound , Do you mean that apart from we rebooters you can’t get others to understand? I will be testing this out with a good friend on Thursday. He confided on me about 10 years ago saying that he was gay. He was 50 at the time so quite a switch. I was highly supportive although I couldn’t say I understood how he felt exactly! We shall see.

My in laws slightly negative unsupportive attitude is a product of not understanding. That may have holier than thou overtones but they can have a chance to put it right.

Bottom line is that this is still new territory - a tricky one to weigh in on. I am not going to be defensive, I am going to be vulnerable and honest. It will be very hard for them not to be supportive without realising they’re being pretty rude and disrespectful themselves.

One thing is for sure, we people addressing our problems do actually deserve respect, We get it on here in spades which is why this place is so comforting. The outside world…..hmmmm….we shall see.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
In the over 30s section @Blondie wrote - “As far as I see it, we're all kings here at RN. Anyone trying to quit this modern plague should be lifted up on high.’

Not to get too superior here, but he’s right isn’t he? So right. I think our supportive partners would agree with us as long as we’re facing this down. We’re only kings if we can hold off the brain from its nasty tricks. We need brutal honesty with ourselves and our partners. @Gracie (in the partners section) just posted something- do read. it’s about men who scoff at the hurt they’ve done I.e. not real men. So once we confront our problem and stare down the devil, and we truly comprehend the level and depth of the hurt we caused….then I think we can be counted as kings. It’s a high standard but one to which we should all aspire.

173 days no PMO and 21 days no MO.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
174 days no P. 22 days no MO.

Had mini spat with wife yesterday so feeling deflated - kind word. She is semi thrilled her brother and sister-in law were seemingly so loyal to her by treating me like like pond life on the call the other day. I said it was good they were behind her but I felt I deserved some credit for where I have got to. My wife said that 6 months recovery versus 19 years being a bad husband was the equation. So there we have it: if I stick up for myself I get slapped down….I have a very bad hand of cards here. Also the new 19 years bad husband narrative has sneaked in. Back story - not porn back then but just over flirtatious- no affairs, just imperfect, and after one that included texts heavy on innuendo which I was found out on, I was pretty effing good for first 10 years of marriage.

So I am stuck in a tricky place. I think I shall park the brother in law one. I am actually pleased he is behind his sister, because she needs that. I just feel that 6 months is a length of time worthy of some recognition but if he doesn’t realise I am addressing it (my wife seemingly told him nothing and is defensive about that) then I guess it’s all understandable. I could ask my wife why she insisted I went on the call where I was to be shunned when she knew she hadn’t said a word to them, but I think I won’t do that. Not born yesterday.

On the recovery front - feeling just amazing. Porn, even when I am down (which I am a bit) did not feature in my mind so that’s extremely encouraging. My abstinence is fine but will be tested soon. I read other journals on RN that describe people in my situation but several have gone back to having sex. So reading those gives me slight envy feelings. That is an understatement. I will get over it.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
GBS, at the six month mark, I was still extremely shaky. I was still trying to figure out what I did or did not do that caused him to turn to porn. I had learned from forums and Gabe’s comments that it isn’t about the partner. But, everything out in the public was if your husband uses you are to blame. And it certainly felt like I had done something. Why else would he do that? I wondered at one point if we would live long enough to heal. For us, it took a year or a little longer for me to feel we weren’t in disaster mode. I can tell you the wait was worth it.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Gracie - I won’t say anything glib like I agree with Gabe. It doesn’t help you (plural). I am being patient. I need to double my efforts. One day I hope my dear wife will forgive me but I fear she’s thinking what you thought and the time this may take could mean I’m incapable when we get past it. That’s how it seems sometimes.

Good luck us.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
175 days no PMO. 23 no MO.

Not much to report. Lots of work and a new project on the horizon.

Here’s a thing to heed: my wife made a suggestion, I listened intently, two days later (which was yesterday) I mentioned it and said let’s go and buy the necessary things and I will store them carefully etc etc. She was disproportionately thrilled.

Only thing bothering me right now is the zero progress in intimacy. We hug, I keep to the boundaries so no arse touching, kisses are pecks. I find that I am not fantasising these days but I long for something more. Boy oh boy. My MO test is about a week away. I will ace it.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
One day at a time. It is such a cliché but it is also so right. I actually had a mild urge within the last hour. I wouldn’t look at porn, but I wanted to MO. I have resisted. I think I would have sought out some fantasy but honestly my bank is so empty that it might have been very disappointing. So not hard to resist given the likely outcome, the guilt, and probably even getting there. So it’s an odd place I am where I sort of want to explode but don’t think it will happen on my own.

Maybe someone will tell me that’s good news. @Blondie ?
 
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