Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
GBS said:
I knew you’d do that. Thanks @Blondie . It is a sincere privilege to be doing alongside you and all the other heroes on here.

1,200 days sober
27 days no MO

I am of course so very proud of the 1,200 days. I could be crass and say it’s just one more day than before. I won’t do that.

I am not really a teacher on here, but I have a few things that are the fundamental pillars of my recovery.

1. I remember what I used to be like. Generally a decent bloke who people liked. I was good at my job. Popular. Talented. Efficient. Good company. I watched porn a lot, ignoring my wife. I wouldn’t have affairs but I felt totally comfortable flirting with women and sucking them into my web of deceit. I manipulated, connived and hid things. I imagine my love making was a real turn off. I will never be him again.
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GBS, congratulations on your continued success! Hopefully your wife will one day recognize your change, commitment, and achievement .

I just wanted to say this above, sums up most men in their path. Most do not recognize the ignoring of their wife. Both in having conversations and intimacy both in thought and physically. I don’t think my husband flirted, but he watched and stared and disengaged from conversation. He too planned. I went to bed early and he would say he was not tired and etcetera. And love making was indeed rote. I appreciate your willingness to share what you have learned with others . And walking the good walk with introspection and learning.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
1,206 days sober
33 days no MO

Gracie said:
GBS, congratulations on your continued success! Hopefully your wife will one day recognize your change, commitment, and achievement .

I just wanted to say this above, sums up most men in their path. Most do not recognize the ignoring of their wife. Both in having conversations and intimacy both in thought and physically. I don’t think my husband flirted, but he watched and stared and disengaged from conversation. He too planned. I went to bed early and he would say he was not tired and etcetera. And love making was indeed rote. I appreciate your willingness to share what you have learned with others . And walking the good walk with introspection and learning.
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Thanks @Gracie - glad to see you’re still on here. Now I am 3 years and nearly 4 months clean there has been an enormous amount of introspection. Desperately trying to understand it from my wife’s perspective has ranged from total shame, guilt and despair to not really knowing truly whether my recovery will be enough to undo the damage. But I do not wallow in self pity. I realise that actually I have to put myself first. Get myself better. Don’t focus on saving the marriage. The right reason to change is because I need to. Hopefully (serenity prayer in mind: accept what I can’t change) self correction will bring other gifts later.

All good at home. Just no intimacy at all. It’s not killing me, but sometimes I do start to wonder…..

I shall persevere.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
1,222 days sober - just a thousand more for a really cool number!
10 days no MO

The perennial debate of whether counting days is useful has reared its head elsewhere. Quite clearly I am an example of someone who needs it and likes it. Not sure if I have to do this forever, but to keep me focused it certainly works. Many times it’s actually just a reason to post. Simple discipline. I need a daily reboot check (well not quite daily as it’s often every other day), and it’s become one of my new habits that is a cornerstone of my recovery.

My no MO counting is slightly different. That is a more definitive statement to myself not to masturbate. I expect most of you know the pull of that one. My recovery has also been founded on making sure I don’t replace my porn addiction with a handy substitute (no pun intended!).

I need my disciplines. I need my perseverence.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
1,227 days sober
15 days no MO

Really huge libido right now. Straining at the leash. Maintaining my no MO streak could be difficult. Went to my regular SAA meeting last night. We read through this story of some guy who had it bad but saw the light.Mildly triggered but I coped. It just shows how close to the surface this thing bubbles. I won’t go back of course, just annoyed the thoughts and fantasies are swirling around still. Maybe that’s how it will always be.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
GBS said:
Maybe that’s how it will always be.
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Very, very slowly, I'm starting to accept that. It comes and goes though: sometimes days or weeks go by with little or no temptation (and I think the swirl is gone!) and then bang! it's back. Granted, that usually means I invited it back at a time and in a way that didn't seem very dangerous at the moment, but the cycle seems a little inevitable. Since we remain human with all the faults and flaws of being human, maybe that is how it always will be.

Annoying, yes. It's tiring, nay, exhausting, to fight yourself all the time. It gets easier as you learn yourself and your temptations and build the doing-the-right-thing habit, but still. Exhausting.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
1,231 days sober
19 days no MO

Percival said:
Very, very slowly, I'm starting to accept that. It comes and goes though: sometimes days or weeks go by with little or no temptation (and I think the swirl is gone!) and then bang! it's back. Granted, that usually means I invited it back at a time and in a way that didn't seem very dangerous at the moment, but the cycle seems a little inevitable. Since we remain human with all the faults and flaws of being human, maybe that is how it always will be.

Annoying, yes. It's tiring, nay, exhausting, to fight yourself all the time. It gets easier as you learn yourself and your temptations and build the doing-the-right-thing habit, but still. Exhausting.
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Thanks man. Human beings, eh? Fucking weird.
 
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