Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[Gracie]

GBS great news about talking! Something to try when you talk that can be helpful is to have a part of your body touching hers. Like feet hand on arm just that little bit can help. ( joking me wanted to say, No not that part!)
I used to rub my fingers on my husband’s forearm when we talked he would do something similar. Just a thought.

 

[Sammyjo]

Day 181, and 29 days no MO.

I am not one to talk about my penis too much, but I wish I’d measured it back in March because I am certain it’s bigger both in length and girth. I wonder if this is a trick of the mind or whether it’s actually a product of the reboot. I won’t give the length and girth measurements - I don’t want them queuing round the block….ha ha!! Anyone else weigh in?

Had nice chat with wife yesterday. She said her classic line “I just want you to be happy” I said I will be if you come back to me because you’re the one”. She said she thought I didn’t know if that was true..
An odd argument ensued where I said she can’t know what I am feeling. Obviously it’s now just about taking a very scary step for her. She’s petrified. Her therapist gives her an easy out by saying you’re still just coping because 6 months is nothing. It means she can tread water. I get it. But if it ultimately is just a case of putting off the job of facing the truth, why not now? She flashed me a big smile later and we hugged and I told her that she was going to have the best 20 years of her life. So it ended well and I won’t apply pressure today.

My husband got bigger both ways as well.

 

[Blondie]

Nice @GBS!

I am not one to talk about my penis too much, but I wish I’d measured it back in March because I am certain it’s bigger both in length and girth.

Yes I've noticed a big difference too! Apparently it wasn't nature's way for us to stroke it for hours on end - go figure.

But if it ultimately is just a case of putting off the job of facing the truth, why not now?

I think the truth - no matter where it leads - can take some time to truly understand. I don't think six months is that long in the grand scheme of things for her to understand this fully. Let it be and see what happens.

Brutal truth: even if this doesn't work out between you two, you're twenty times the man you were six months ago. Rest in that knowledge.

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Gracie - ha ha body touching. I wish. Good advice though, joking apart.

Thanks @Sammyjo - you recommended a book I recall. I will look that up. I am not in a position to comment on your husband’s penis though

Thanks @Blondie - “go figure“ - I genuinely lolled. RN would have ten times the members if they only knew! All these added incentives. What’s next?

 

[TryingHarder]

Firstly he says all addiction is a symptom not a cause. I am digging into my causes.

Learning this years ago was very important for me. Sadly, I didn't take action on it, and the porn addiction continued. For some, an addiction happens during a relatively happy life. For most, it happens because of trauma, stress, or some kind of emotional pain (that's my story). I more or less know what the causes are now in my life, and these problems aren't easily solved, but at least now I have clarity that my addiction won't help. Whatever comfort I used to seek in porn now fills me with disgust, and I know I have to find better solutions.

Great to hear that you're doing well, GBS.

 

[GBS]

Day 182. 30 days no MO.

182.5 is half 365 so in 12 hours I have 6 months done. Yeah, yeah, yeah…..we’ll done me. Avoided urges, learned it’s about the brain, realised that my recovery is not the same as my wife’s, stayed honest, did more things with my wife, and penis grew a bit!

I simply cannot tell if things are getting better. One can dupe oneself into thinking they are, I am talking about my relationship, then some little thing happens and I think we are exactly where we were two months ago. So I end up actually trying not to overthink this all or you can ride the little waves and be too carried along. It’s exhausting. But I will be a good husband again today and we’ll see.

I do still dwell on porn but with such a clear mindset. I attend SAA meetings on Tuesday evenings and suddenly you get reminded of the very real horrors (as I do on here of course, just different when it’s live human beings) and I remain detached. Not complacent just happy that the beast is a distance away and I have several walls and ramparts in the way. I am even losing almost all the sexualising stuff too. What does that leave me with? Interesting question to answer. It’s the old rebooted me, isn’t it? It should be. But this one never really existed so I wonder what he’s like.

 

[Nico]

Day 182. 30 days no MO.

182.5 is half 365 so in 12 hours I have 6 months done. Yeah, yeah, yeah…..we’ll done me. Avoided urges, learned it’s about the brain, realised that my recovery is not the same as my wife’s, stayed honest, did more things with my wife, and penis grew a bit!

I simply cannot tell if things are getting better. One can dupe oneself into thinking they are, I am talking about my relationship, then some little thing happens and I think we are exactly where we were two months ago. So I end up actually trying not to overthink this all or you can ride the little waves and be too carried along. It’s exhausting. But I will be a good husband again today and we’ll see.

I do still dwell on porn but with such a clear mindset. I attend SAA meetings on Tuesday evenings and suddenly you get reminded of the very real horrors (as I do on here of course, just different when it’s live human beings) and I remain detached. Not complacent just happy that the beast is a distance away and I have several walls and ramparts in the way. I am even losing almost all the sexualising stuff too. What does that leave me with? Interesting question to answer. It’s the old rebooted me, isn’t it? It should be. But this one never really existed so I wonder what he’s like.

Congratulations! 6 months is amazing - btw I tuned into a SAA meeting last night, would be funny if its the same one. I can't help believing that if you keep being a good husband day by day it will improve, its cause and effect, but ofc these things are always complex. I'm just a big believer in trusting that if i keep doing the right thing results will follow..and kind of hand it over as we say in AA

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Nico . My SAA meeting was face to face so perhaps we didn’t meet. I am in the UK btw.

 

[Simon2]

Six months is amazing! I bet a year ago you wouldn't have believed you could do this! Good things are coming your way!

One thougth I am having regarding your situation: I think there's a fine balance between giving our partners space to heal, but also letting them know that we WANT them. In a way that doesn't make them think we're just after replacing our porn addiction with them. What can we do to let them know how much we want them, without crossing those boundaries that have been set? I don't know... maybe writing her a love letter? Or doing some of those other cute things we might have done a long time ago. I am trying now to remember more to just give my wife hugs or a little neck massage...

We're beating this demon together!

 

[Sammyjo]

@SimonM From an SO's perspective YES!!! All those little things you used to do that made her feel special. Flirt? Maybe put some music on and a little impromptu dancing, give her a spin and dip her? Go for a walk and hold her hand? Send her random sweet text messages? Just today my husband and I went for a walk, he stopped mid-stride, spun me around and gave me a sweet kiss. Absolutely made my day!

Good luck!

 

[GBS]

@SimonM and @Sammyjo - you guys are great. So kind and sweet to care. I won’t be defensive and say some of the “little things” that I have done, I will just do more. Will also write another love letter - she has threee (which she keeps on her bedside table) - they didn’t get short shrift before but it was said that she wanted action not words….so we have had action.

I think I just have to persist and be patient. There’s no other plan. I am not giving up. I think she’s SO scared and that’s understandable. It’s easy to have our life with boundaries. Arguably this is a perfect world for her. I might suggest a world with intimacy is better but she may not agree. Thanks again guys plus anyone who reads and is interested. I reckon there will be an RN party and ticker-tape parade the day my (new bigger) penis gets a workout.

And on that subject we are 183 days sober and 31 no MO. The 31 days is a really tasty number - this is where I normally fail. I am not failing this time round. Waiting for the urges and pit of the lower stomach feeling. It’s pain and pleasure and you feel like a God.

 

[Gracie]

So abit more to @SimonM . We went to a routine. We kissed good morning in bed with a full body hug. We kissed goodbye. We kissed hello when got home from work. All real kisses and none leading to sex. We sat together on the couch and held hands. If we talked about the porn we made sure our hands feet or something was touching. (Energy flow thing.). We did this for me. Because in addiction he would only touch me when he wanted sex. This took the cringe away.

Another thing we did was start a Spotify love song list. We each would put songs that said what we felt and listen. It was a great way to show each other love without having to speak. We would text and say we added a song. We have a great list!

 

[Blondie]

This is a great conversation!

Random things I try to do.

- Leave her little notes on her car when she least expects it - especially when you know she has a tough day coming at work.
- @Sammyjo mentioned dancing at random times. I can attest that this does the trick.
- Pulling her in randomly for a kiss does the trick as well.
- Asking how her day went and really listening. Us guys often think we're listening, but we're just waiting for our turn to speak. Women pick up on this and for obvious reason don't like it. So look in her eyes and ask "How was your day Mrs. GBS" and just sit back and lend an ear to her heart.
- Cook her a dinner and wash up as well.
- Fix her car.
If all else fails
- Walk around naked with your newfound dick length with a sign saying "I love you" attached to your member.

As a man, I would suggest never to supplicate to her, but do these things out of love for her and in the moment. From what I've gathered from women and mostly my Lady throughout my life, women don't want a man to supplicate to them, even when you fuck up, so just be a man, and own what you want, and do these things because YOU want to, not because you're "trying" to get something "from" her. Yes you want sex, but you want HER more. A woman knows when a man is doing things with strings attached, or just doing things because he wants her, all of her.

Just my two cents.

 

[GBS]

Wow you guys, by which I mean @Gracie @Blondie @SimonM @Sammyjo and others of course - thanks. Definitely going to try the walking around showing off my new wedding tackle…..maybe not. Will try these all out. I am the chef anyway, so need to do the washing up more! The full body kiss in bed has already been turned down sadly. But going to try the touching when discussing all issues, that sounds intuitively bang on. Just so you don’t think I am a novice, I did write/arrange a medley of songs - rewriting the words - for her birthday, then me and the kids sang it to her (we’re all musicians)….so I have laid it on thick sometimes.

Letter and flowers will appear soon - trying to time that for a moment when she’s least expecting it. The note on the car is a nice one - we have two cars so I just have to guess which one she’s going to take out….she doesn’t always take the same one!

Thanks again - touched. If anyone else wants to weigh in with their favourite tips, this thread could go viral. Cheers

 

[amedee]

Jour 5
Je suis désormais sur le chemin du redémarrage comme bien d’autres qui mon précédent dans ce forum. Je suis admiratif du bien nombre de parcours et il reste que cela m’inspire beaucoup.

 

[GBS]

MercI beaucoup @amedee

 

[Blondie]

Definitely going to try the walking around showing off my new wedding tackle…..maybe not.

lol I've never heard of "wedding tackle" before. Thanks for that.

I thought about trying my own advice as a joke for my girl when she walked in tonight, but soon realized I would have to touch myself to "hang" something which won't be happening!

I guess in another lifetime lol

Just so you don’t think I am a novice, I did write/arrange a medley of songs - rewriting the words - for her birthday, then me and the kids sang it to her (we’re all musicians)….so I have laid it on thick sometimes.

It looks like you're alreadly killing it!

Best to you.

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Blondie . I think “wedding tackle” is a UK phrase. I will be honest with you I did touch myself yesterday- not edging but what I will call encouragement to see what the end product Is like. All I am going to say is I feel confidence like I have not felt before. Will it keep getting bigger do you think? And this proves what a nutcase I am, because I Googled “will my penis grow if I don’t masturbate?” Rather predictably Google provides a range of answers but mostly the docs say no, so they’re wrong. I think the question needed to be way more specific like “if I masturbate way too much for decades then I very suddenly completely stop for 6 months, will my dick get larger?” I have to believe what I have back is my rebooted penis which I basically haven’t seen in 45 years. My dick is effing huge.

Anyway 184 days no PMO and 32 days no MO. We move into testing territory. Home life is fine but obviously frustrating. My therapist says that my wife’s reticence is totally normal and 6 months is very little time. My frustration needs managing which I am about to find out if that’s possible. Will be leaving notes in car etc etc. I shall keep you posted. I seem to have replaced my porn habit with my RN habit! Now that’s a good thing.

 

[GBS]

Here’s an interesting one: a very good friend of mine (probably my closest friend of 20 years ago) recently texted me out of the blue. In my reply I decided to tell him I was porn free for 6 months. I can’t be certain why I told him exactly then and not before, but I did. I knew he watched porn, past tense, and could probably assume he still did. His reply was supportive but he said “I wouldn’t dream of stopping” and he said he was happy to discuss sometime.

Will be an interesting discussion. I don’t think whatever I say will convince him to stop and indeed I won’t want to seem self righteous and preaching, but it will be hard to say: you don’t know what damage you’ve done….without seeming a bit know-it-all. Yet again don’t I need to show him the way to the light?

He’s unmarried, in his late 50s, no dependants, recovering alcoholic (from 25 years ago).

My wife wonders why I told him. I said I thought there was a chance he’d be interested in stopping too (if he hadn’t already). I will remind myself to tell him about the penis reboot….that should sell it.

 

[Simon2]

Interesting. And courageous of you!

I do have a sense that porn is not the same problem for everyone. Just like other substances, some can handle it without becoming addicted, while others can't. I can't. I've thought I could do just "a bit" of porn. It just doesn't work for me. I go to dark places and descent into a hell of self loathing eventually. I think though that there are people who can indulge in it a bit here and there and it's fine. The questions I think would be
- is the content they are looking at escalating over time?
- are they spending more time/money on it than they mean to?
- are they hiding it from a partner?
- is it causing health issues (physical or mental)?

If all of those questions (and maybe a few more I can't think of right now) can honestly be answered with "no" then for them it might be ok? We are all here because for us that's not the case! I hope that your friend, if he's so sure he doesn't want to stop, is in the other category! Having said that, I agree that anyone would benefit from a porn free life. It's better and healthier.