Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
Bit left field not to talk about my recovery, but somehow the events in the UK today have taken over. I am a bit of a royalist so very gloomy right now. RIP HM the Queen. She defined role model. May she rest in peace and rise in glory. Amen.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
She was a rare combination in a leader. No need to speak out, be a bully or pat herself on the back. She had that British fortitude. I cannot imagine 70 years of total commitment to her country and her people. Condolences to all of Great Britain. And know as an American, I had tears when I heard of her passing.
 

GBS

Respected Member
191 days no PMO 39 days no MO.
We are approaching my PB on no MO. We’re talking lifetime PB (well from ago 14 I guess). Not so hard this time round (no pun intended), which maybe because fantasy world has all but left me. Or I may be better at dealing with it. Almost no blue balls syndrome. This doesn’t mean I am sorted. Urges aren’t really that frequent but I do get them. After all I am a red blooded man and I have had no intimacy (apart from hand holding and standing hugs) in 6 months. The boundaries I observe mean I cannot touch below waist height, and that drives me just borderline crazy. But I cope. I don’t mention it because I will not put pressure on my wife. How long can I cope?

One day at a time. Stop planning the future. Carry on. Keep calm.

Aaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh.

Chance of me returning to porn = about 1%….I could have said zero but I am trying to be realistic. Wife would have to say she can’t get over this and we part ways, and I have to cave in after that. The second doesn’t necessarily have to happen if the first does.
Chance of me being able to wait to have sex and not MO’ing before that time = 50% ….tricky to estimate because it has two dependant issues: will I burst?; when will my wife allow me to be intimate? If you’re a betting man, put your money on me waiting.
 

GBS

Respected Member
192 no PMO 40 no MO.

Tried my very hardest today not to have a single fantasy thought or urge. Plenty to distract me. Not least preparations for a service the evening before HM the Queen’s funeral - so the funeral is on Monday 19th. The service in our local church is a week tomorrow. Also took my son to visit a university which he could go to in a year’s time. So, as I say, plenty to distract me.

Did I succeed? No of course I didn’t.

How do you get those fantasies out, when quite clearly I am gripping on to them for dear life? Part of me thinks if I don’t have them and I have nothing else even close to sex then I could be broken. No sex and not thinking about it at all. That sounds completely abnormal.
 

GBS

Respected Member
193 no PMO, 41 no MO.

Be a good husband today. Do not need to be thanked for every little thing. One day she will come back to me. Have faith that not watching porn has made me a better person (an obvious point), and that she can rest assured he likes that person so much, he has no interest in returning to the old one. I can only convince her by getting through each day. Let’s start with this one.
 

GBS

Respected Member
I don’t want you lot to think I’m a perv but I looked up online if there was any medical reason for my slightly increased dick size. Inevitably you don’t get a straight answer from Google (who knew?), but there was an article about what makes your dick smaller. 5 things: over masturbation; drinking;smoking;bad diet; lack of usage(!!!). We will ignore the last one. Given that I still smoke and I still eat some unhealthy foods, I have to believe that over masturbation and drinking are probably the big factors for me. And what I have now isn’t a bigger dick, just a less decreased size one. Bloody hell……if I hadn’t done porn off and on for 40 years I would obviously have had a better sex life. Sheesh. Get over it. Done it. On we go.
 

GBS

Respected Member
195 no PMO 43 no MO.

Went on a walk with the dogs this morning. What used to happen, and by “used to” I mean more than 6 months ago, was I would wander along and sexual thoughts would crowd my mind. Extreme fantasies that were either direct from porn videos or embellished versions. It was fun, or it seemed it at the time. I would get myself worked up and then when I got home I would find a way to finish it off by watching and acting out.

So what happened today? For context I am 43 days hard core. But this hard core is different from the last time I was 40+ days. Climbing the walls a bit but not so bad that it dominates my whole waking life. However the mind wandered. The thoughts were of my wife - no trigger alert, not giving you any deats - and there was another voice saying don’t even do that. I am not even sure that thoughts of my wife (not in any uncompromising pose) constitute crossing the line…..but God/my higher power said don’t.

Question- is this a good intervention by God? Or is he/she making me into a monk.

I can’t decide if I am scared (nearly put sacred then by spelling mistake!!)…..I might be.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @GBS.

That's an interesting question. To be honest, I don't have a definite answer for you.

I would say this, but this is from my own experience. When we've been doing something for so long that it seems practically natural for us, to suddenly stop the habit and change what we've been doing takes many months to get use to it, particularly, the point you're at in your recovery. You're now a half a year out (which is amazing!) and you've made some really big changes that your addicted brain still does not like and is giving you hell for, consequently, you're at a crossroads of sorts.

Thus, you're on that walk, doing and repeating a habit your old brain is use to, but now, you are a changed man, but you're almost stuck in two worlds, and the cognitive dissonance is still alarming. I don't think "fantasizing " about your wife is a problem at all, but, here's the kicker, you're doing it it at the same time of day and at the same place that you use to do the other bad habit, thus, all the confusion and guessing if you should even be partaking in this or not.

This is good and this is where you should be. When I've often mentioned myself almost having PTSD about my relapses, it's this experience that you're describing. Whenever I write that on my thread, I always mention I wasn't really tempted, but I was doing something, or "experiencing" something that would have made me act out in my past days, thus, I get really anxious. Maybe this is the same for you. You're walking where your bad habits where enshrined and encouraged, and because of that, any activity that is similar to what you use to do (even good fantasizing) gets you anxious and questioning yourself.

Be patient with yourself, all of this takes time, and will not happen instantly.

You're not becoming a monk (unless that's what you really want! ;)) you're just becoming a new man who is trying to figure out what is healthy and what is not. You're in limbo land, and on the threshold of something new and grand, so all you need to do is make sure you don't trip on the way over!

Maybe God is calling you to lust, but only for your wife! Or maybe he's asking you to take a break from everything sexual for a little while longer, until he carries you safely across the threshold of a new life. Either way, he's giving you a chance to discover yourself in this beautiful moment, a moment you would never have had if you were still a wanker!

Best brother
 
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GBS

Respected Member
Truly helpful brother. Genuinely improved my day by reading that. Not bigging you up, just candid thanks.

I think I am at another crossroads actually. Previous ones I had to make sure I turned the right way. This one is different because I think the right way is absolute purity. Certainly on dog walks! I do find myself still gripping on to something that keeps my sexual self alive. That is, as discussed, completely ok and normal. We can have sexual thoughts about our partners just (perhaps) not all the time and not at previous convenient times.

Still so much fun experiencing the brain funks. And doing it consciously. It’s like a game. Thanks again @Blondie
 

GBS

Respected Member
196 no PMO 44 no MO

Massive urges late yesterday. Fought them off. My urges are to have sex with my wife, or frankly just to stare at her naked body. I have to fight off the urges because she doesn’t want me touching her. So it’s just good old fashioned torture. It kills me to write it down like that, but it ‘s the truth.

She isn’t actually torturing me, she just doesn’t want it yet and has made that abundantly clear. So I am doing the reboot here whilst being taunted on a daily basis. Not after sympathy, just blurting it out on a journal of former wankers! Wow, if you’d told me a year ago this is where I would be right now…..no sex at all for 6 months and no prospect……but no masturbating and not looking at any porn/nudity….but I am in a way happier than ever…..I would have been utterly gobsmacked.

The journey goes on. One day at a time. I am glad that the laws of physics and where our planet is, that a day is 24 hours…..I think it’s a good length of time for discipline. What if a day was 30 hours? Wow, my physics is bad…..would that mean we’d not survive because we’d by freezing cold? Maybe a physicist could tell me. I wonder if physicists get addicted to porn. We shall see.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Nico

Strength I suppose. I am not sure what keeps me sane. It is a combination of you lot, and actually my wife’s honesty and integrity. She isn’t taunting me, she just says she has a big knot inside her and it is being slowly picked apart. It’s a fair analogy. Other partners who post here say that 6 months is good work (by me) but it’s still pretty early stages for the crapped on partner. I just sometimes feel sad and lonely. Then I sprint over here and feel less lonely. That’s the god’s honest truth.
 

GBS

Respected Member
197 no PMO 45 no MO

Almost gone now are the fantasies. Depressing as that is, my brain is also slightly telling me that mentally undressing my wife is futile and leads to depression too. So I am sad actually. Will talk this through with my therapist later, because it’s not easy to snap out of it.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I feel for you man. I imagine it can’t be easy, talking to your therapist about it sounds like a good idea. Maybe he or she can provide some insight that we can’t.

Just wanted to say also, good job on your progress here - almost 200 days is no joke!
 

Nico

Active Member
Yes it must be hard, and i hope your therapist helps too. All I can suggest is trying to shift your mindset a little through focusing on what is good about the relationship and your wife, and trying to make a living amend to her. I know when I quit drinking I was suffering for years, and had to channel that into hard work on self development, psychology, learning meditation, service, and spirituality. That was relapse prevention in a way. In hindsight Im glad I went through that difficult period as it made me grow and learn, the suffering was fuel. I guess what i am trying to say is that we can see suffering as motivation, and all any of us can do is keep taking the right steps and keep doing the right thing, and hope and trust it leads us to a better place. Feelings and tough periods come and go, and you haven't relapsed on them and don't need to. You are doing a great, and difficult, thing.
 
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