Hey
@GBS.
That's an interesting question. To be honest, I don't have a definite answer for you.
I would say this, but this is from my own experience. When we've been doing something for so long that it seems practically natural for us, to suddenly stop the habit and change what we've been doing takes many months to get use to it, particularly, the point you're at in your recovery. You're now a half a year out (which is amazing!) and you've made some really big changes that your addicted brain still does not like and is giving you hell for, consequently, you're at a crossroads of sorts.
Thus, you're on that walk, doing and repeating a habit your old brain is use to, but now, you are a changed man, but you're almost stuck in two worlds, and the cognitive dissonance is still alarming. I don't think "fantasizing " about your wife is a problem at all, but, here's the kicker, you're doing it it at the same time of day and at the same place that you use to do the other bad habit, thus, all the confusion and guessing if you should even be partaking in this or not.
This is good and this is where you should be. When I've often mentioned myself almost having PTSD about my relapses, it's this experience that you're describing. Whenever I write that on my thread, I always mention I wasn't really tempted, but I was doing something, or "experiencing" something that would have made me act out in my past days, thus, I get really anxious. Maybe this is the same for you. You're walking where your bad habits where enshrined and encouraged, and because of that, any activity that is similar to what you use to do (even good fantasizing) gets you anxious and questioning yourself.
Be patient with yourself, all of this takes time, and will not happen instantly.
You're not becoming a monk (unless that's what you really want!
) you're just becoming a new man who is trying to figure out what is healthy and what is not. You're in limbo land, and on the threshold of something new and grand, so all you need to do is make sure you don't trip on the way over!
Maybe God is calling you to lust, but only for your wife! Or maybe he's asking you to take a break from everything sexual for a little while longer, until he carries you safely across the threshold of a new life. Either way, he's giving you a chance to discover yourself in this beautiful moment, a moment you would never have had if you were still a wanker!
Best brother