Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

Thanks @downhillfromhere and @Nico . Therapist didn’t unlock it all but was helpful. Also following therapy also spoke with wife and (some) sympathy was received.

Bottom line is that recovery for a partner is tricky and can take literally years. I slightly have to suck it up, and the attendant issue of me having a changing sexual mind is just a fact of life. That said she (my therapist) said I should ask my wife about increased affection. So I did, and also explained that I was occasionally sad and lonely. It got a good non defensive response. Although there was the occasional “I did suffer for 20 years, you know” thrown in at one point.

We’re going to do something more than just upright hugging but she said the knot inside her may tighten. I said if it does we shouldn’t do it. I realise that’s shooting myself in the foot but it has to be about her.

Despite what you may think, this put me in a good place, And just being able to say I was sad and lonely without feeling I was putting pressure on was cathartic.

198 no PMO and 46 no MO. Good numbers.

 

[GBS]

199 days no porn. 47 days no masturbation.

I think this is personal best on no masturbation. Hard mode is difficult. The brain really throws you curve balls. Like being confused as to what sexual thoughts I can hold onto and what I can’t. Like how do you live with lust. Like getting used to throwing yourself into projects with a medium amount of zest rather than the more panicky full on all the time when I was in the first 90 days of no porn. So creating a new normal Whilst living with a hidden desire to have a night of unbridled you know what.

I am also slowly coming to terms with the likely reality that my wait will be a very long one. I used to wonder - will it be next week when she says I can touch her. Now it is a case of not thinking that way for fear of disappointment.

But I do gain solace from writing this. I know some readers just read and don’t write. That’s obviously fine. I would encourage you to make comments and try your own journal. But if you just read to gain something from seeing where we journalists are at….this possibly becomes a soap opera. That it most certainly is not. I come on here daily to garner intelligence from others and to see how their minds are. It is about the brain, and if you’re just a reader but are going through recovery, think very hard about how you keep yourself to your task. It is so hard at one level but so incredibly rewarding. Sometimes those rewards come from writing down how you are battling through. Having written this, I feel further resolved to be good today. A good husband, a good man, a good friend.

 

[Nico]

I think this is personal best on no masturbation. Hard mode is difficult. The brain really throws you curve balls. Like being confused as to what sexual thoughts I can hold onto and what I can’t. Like how do you live with lust.

I am so feeling this today!

 

[GBS]

I did something I have never done before today and it took 5 hours of concentration and it felt good. So it was a great way to get through the day. Then on my way home all I could think of is a mild fantasy of my wife stripping. Sheesh. Hard mode how I love you and hate you. You give me such blissful thoughts and then you torture me. Cheers brain.

 

[TryingHarder]

Good work, GBS!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

200, way to go GBS!

 

[Blondie]

Great job @GBS on 200 days!

It's been inspiring reading your story and all the battles you've been fighting against this modern war that no one wants to talk about.

Thanks for all of your great input and thoughts. I always love reading what you have to say.

Keep killing it sir!

 

[GBS]

Aw…..you guys. That’s a nice thing. It’s like someone threw me a surprise party. It’s 6.30 am here in the UK. Just woke up and thought I would post cos I knew it was a milestone day….and there you guys were. I am not someone who blushes much, but I think I am.

So 200 days of not watching pornography. Wow. I wonder if my problems are fear of abandonment based. I re-read something my therapist gave me way back which draws many connections of addictive behaviour being the strong soothe that will treat being abandoned. I am not one quickly to pigeon myself in a category, but there is some strong element of truth there. Here’s the crazy thing, I think when my wife threatened to leave (which was sort of 20th Feb) she said deal with all your shit, see a therapist, talk to me, work it all out…or I am gone….she said. That itself jolted me into action. I feared how I would be if she went (and took the kids). At one level that makes me pretty shallow I think. How can I so easily be turned into doing something with one simple threat? And the kicker….fear of abandonment drove me to my newest and best addiction of all. Giving up porn. I think it’s addictive….truly. We’ll RN is that’s for sure. And guys, that’s about you people. Genuine mates. I wonder what you all look like. I actually wonder.

It would be utterly amazing for there to be some giant barbecue party where we all gathered and @Gabe Deem and @Gracie handed out your name badge as you came through the garden gate….and I go and get a beer from the drinks counter and I’m staring at someone else’s badge and then I bump into one of you! Honestly wouldn’t that be the party that never ended? But what a thought.

Meanwhile yes 200 days no PMO and now a whopping 48 days no MO. My wife lies 2 feet to my left as I write. She is turned away fro me right now. Sometimes when she faces me I get a good cleavage view. There you go…..that’s what hard mode does to you at 48 days. The agony of not being able to get my hands on those boobs is torture and a mild form of ecstasy. I never knew I was a masochist.

Have a good day guys. I will read all your delightful prose. And thanks to @Blondie @TryingHarder @PrometheusUnbound and of course all others who like or just read. I don’t need you to like me (literally), I just hope we ALL stick together and kill the beast. Thanks so much from a place very deep in my heart.

 

[Nico]

I wonder if my problems are fear of abandonment based. I re-read something my therapist gave me way back which draws many connections of addictive behaviour being the strong soothe that will treat being abandoned

Congratulations on 200 days! Thats amazing. I was just reading about this yesterday in a book called 'Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts your Sexual Addiction' and it was all about this. How your inner child is activated by life stuff and reliving trauma due to it, and this unconsciously drives you to act out and soothe it, find comfort..the book (Im only on chapter 2) asks you to explore all this, as he says if you are unaware of these trauma triggers its very hard to change an addiction

​

 

[downhillfromhere]

Well done GBS, congratulations on 200 days! 48 days of hard mode, I feel for you man. You’ve got a great woman who is willing to work on this with you, give it time and I’m sure you guys will get there!

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Nico and @downhillfromhere .

Nico - I ought to read that book, just read so many….it can be exhausting but I shall try.

48 hard mode…..wow it tests you. It really does.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Congratulations on Day 200 GBS and for fighting for your gorgeous wife, I wish my man could of find the courage to fight for me!

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Beautiful1973 . I searched for your story elsewhere but couldn’t find it. Maybe you haven’t written yours down yet. You know what I am going to say though, it is so helpful for you as horrifically awful as it may be, to get it out. Obvs go for the partners section - there are some wonderful people on there who can give you more direct advice as to what you can do. I can empathise but I can’t feel what you’re feeling. That said, and again obviously, your man needs to face this with you. You will have slanging matches and doors may be slammed but it’s the best way forwards.

Good luck and thanks for your kind words.

If you write your story I promise to read every word.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Thanks @Beautiful1973 . I searched for your story elsewhere but couldn’t find it. Maybe you haven’t written yours down yet. You know what I am going to say though, it is so helpful for you as horrifically awful as it may be, to get it out. Obvs go for the partners section - there are some wonderful people on there who can give you more direct advice as to what you can do. I can empathise but I can’t feel what you’re feeling. That said, and again obviously, your man needs to face this with you. You will have slanging matches and doors may be slammed but it’s the best way forwards.

Good luck and thanks for your kind words.

If you write your story I promise to read every word.

Thanks @GBS I will write my story I just haven't had the chance yet and thank you for your thoughtful reply.

 

[Blondie]

My wife lies 2 feet to my left as I write. She is turned away fro me right now. Sometimes when she faces me I get a good cleavage view. There you go…..that’s what hard mode does to you at 48 days. The agony of not being able to get my hands on those boobs is torture and a mild form of ecstasy. I never knew I was a masochist.

Thank you for that my dear sir.

I love your prose and I love your progress.

That party sounds like a hell of a goodtime.

Best

 

[searching4good]

Have just caught up on the last couple of pages @GBS and wanted to say how much enjoyment and reward I got from it. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

200 days is absolutely incredible and I have nothing but respect for the hard graft you're putting in. Without doubt you are moving in the right direction and at the end of each day, we can't really ask for much more than that. Especially when we know so well what the alternative is.

Looking forward to following you on the path matey.

 

[GBS]

@searching4good

Very kind. I am trying hard, but it remains really difficult sometimes. Today was a classic example of staring into my wife’s eyes and saying to myself “don’t look down at her tits, don’t look down at her tits….DON’T LOOK DOW……..” Sheesh I looked down. Got a huge rush. A fairly huge something else. Wanted to rip her clothes off. What did I do? Said “do you want a cup of tea, my love?” And she said “thanks”.

Blows your mind. It really does.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@searching4good

Very kind. I am trying hard, but it remains really difficult sometimes. Today was a classic example of staring into my wife’s eyes and saying to myself “don’t look down at her tits, don’t look down at her tits….DON’T LOOK DOW……..” Sheesh I looked down. Got a huge rush. A fairly huge something else. Wanted to rip her clothes off. What did I do? Said “do you want a cup of tea, my love?” And she said “thanks”.

Blows your mind. It really does.

LOL…. I love your raw honesty, you make me laugh.
Does your wife know how into her you are? Have you tried experimenting with none sexual touch…..coming up behind her while she’s cooking dinner, putting your arms around her waist and giving her a little kiss on the neck (my favourite), pulling her close when you’re lying in bed, having a shower together, massaging her, running her a bath and washing her hair (also another favourite)……clearly I’m living out my own fantasies here….. LOL
If your worried about her response, you could have a conversation about how you want to show her more affection but there is no expectation of it leading to sex, but that you just want to be close to her and show her how much you desire her….. this could be a bridge back into intimacy where you are then able to offer to pleasure her and abstine yourself…… still living out my own fantasies….. LOL!!!!!
Anyway you might already be doing this stuff, it’s just when I read your posts I feel your longing for her! It feels so romantic amongst the struggle and your awesome achievement so far.

 

[Simon2]

A belated congratulations on 200 days! That's huge man. You know we are all cheering for you and waiting with anticipation for the day when you tell us your wife feels safe with you again all the way to a homerun (America analogy using baseball for sexual relations. First base = kiss, etc maybe you already know lol). It WILL happen!

 

[GBS]

Hi guys. I am not good at this copy and paste stuff as I am on a tablet, so @SimonM first. Thanks my friend. Did you like the idea of the barbecue where we all meet up with our pseudonyms as badges. I would so love that. I am not sure how I managed to get so many pals here and yet I have no idea what you lot look like or how you speak. Maybe I am weird to want that but I do. So thanks my friend, very much. I would NOT be here were it not for you (and the others of course).

And to you @Beautiful1973 (just not as beautiful as my wife, right?) thanks. This may be hard to write and read. She knows I am into her but she has said very firmly that the boundaries aren’t moving. I cannot touch below the waist and obviously can’t touch her boobs. I write letters, Flowers. Little notes left on car seats. There has been almost zero hugging in bed. There is certainly no showering together nor washing her hair. We discussed increased affection the other day and she said she would like it. We agreed she would initiate but she hasn’t. W hug standing up, I whisper things in her ears (non sexual), she rubs my back. It’s lovely but it’s the same as it was the last 6 months. Shecsaws the knot in her stomach tightens when things get very slightly more affectionate and I can’t bear the pain she is suffering so we stay where we for now. Discipline. Thanks for your advice, very sweet and kind and nearly triggered me! Tear in the eye.