Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Nico

Active Member
Blimey that sounds challenging..I have some understanding about how that feels as my last relationship ended in lockdown and she couldn't fly home to Holland until four months after she decided she loved me as a friend, so yes sharing a bed and having desires..painful stuff. You are being so strong, and you're an inspiration.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@GBS you have got balls of steel man…. quite literally🤣 jokes aside….. that’s tough if that’s her boundary, I think lots of woman choose the holding off on intimacy boundary. I know my Counsellor suggested that as an option, I was like hell no that one ain’t going to work for me🤣 I could be mad as a snake at my man and I’d still reach for intimacy.
I guess it’s going to be a time thing😬😬😬
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
202 days free from porn, and 50 days no MO….and for clarity that is 7 weeks and 1 day where I have not ejaculated.

This whole subject is in our heads. Obviously. We can lie about whether we still fantasise, we can lie about whether we relapse, we can lie about how easy or difficult it is. But there’s just no point lying. None at all. I lied to myself for years. Some of it was cognitive distortion i.e. watching porn is fine because all men do it….and other distortions of course. How I feel today I may as well tell you and not dress it up. It’s the beauty of RN actually, but it’s also part of recovery.

I am struggling. Not with my own resolve which is still steadfast. But I am a good man, I love myself for the first time in years, I adore my wife, I do (almost all) the cooking, I do not drown my wife in trying too hard, and we do stuff together. I have lost a stone in weight. I am helping out, at her suggestion with my son’s basketball team. I go to church. I sing and compose. I make the bed every morning and I do the washing up about half the time. I ferry the kids too and fro. I am not exact George Clooney but I am not the back end of a no 9 bus either. Some people even laugh at my jokes.

So how come my wife won’t let me see her naked? It’s ok ladies, I know the answer. It is just incredibly hard (no pun, promise) to cope with. Being told that it takes a year or more for a partner to get over it, or that I caused it so I have to suck it up….doesn’t help. They may be facts but it still doesn’t actually help. I have retired to my bedroom to get myself calm because I am not. This is killing me. A part of me thinks that she struggles with recovery and is just waiting for it all to drop off her shoulders. She doesn’t seem to want additional affection. She doesn’t talk to anyone about all of this except her therapist (once every three weeks). I know she wants to move on, but I think it’s so painful because actively facing the issues is too hard for her.

You can see my problem

GBS which used to stand for Getting Better Slowly but could now be Great Balls of Steel! Sheesh they’re hard!
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Oh @GBS I feel for you, I can feel the pain in your words....I want to hug you right now.......you are a good man, you have wonderful qualities and you are putting in the hard work with your recovery.... you've done 202 days fella.....yet I sense a sadness in the celebration:(
I wonder if she is struggling with her own journey??? Could you talk to her about renegotiating the intimacy boundary, does she know that you have abstained from MO for 50 days.

I hope that steel balls comment didn't offend or trigger this sadness, I was just messing around and actually trying to pay you a huge compliment about how patient you have been with her :)
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Very sweet @Beautiful1973 - no offence taken I sincerely promise. Very proud of my rock hard plums actually. Sheesh they’re hard.

You’re sort of right that my 200+ days is still difficult to celebrate. But I do celebrate inside. This isn’t me making a melodrama, more a hypothesis, that if my wife actually left me in, say, a year’s time I would go out into the world incredibly sad but in the full knowledge that I was now a good man. A real man. I can’t countenance having a relationship with anyone else but I would, at some point, be an ok catch. That’s something I hang onto. A year ago if she had left me I would have been in a mess and not a good person to have sex with.

Renegotiation of boundaries - I think it’s a non starter. I overstepped a couple of weeks ago by touching her arse - it was an involuntary touch - I fully apologised later and she said thanks. After my last therapy session and a discussion I asked if we could have some increased affection and she said that would be nice. We agreed she would initiate. She hasn’t. 🤷
 

Nico

Active Member
Its so good to hear you celebrate your qualities, and rightly so; you've been working really hard for the sake of your family and partner, and also very supportive on here and encouraging of others. You inspire me. Our struggles are slightly different and yet the same in some ways. I thought this would be harder (sorry pun) being single but having to deal with seeing your wife and the hopes you have must be painful and draining. It's a hero's journey you are on, and I really hope it works out for you both. Also its good to know you are ready and confident in yourself in case it doesn't - relationship endings can be really hard in recovery. We got your back too :)
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
She doesn’t talk to anyone about all of this except her therapist (once every three weeks). I know she wants to move on, but I think it’s so painful because actively facing the issues is too hard for her.
First, congrats on breaking 200🥳🎉🥳

Second, even as a person in the same boat as your beautiful wife, I feel for you.

@GBS, I am curious, is your wife willing to share with you what she discusses in therapy or is that off limits as well?
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @Sammyjo . It’s been a while since we spoke. Thanks for your kind words of support.

Re my wife’s therapy. She is always prepared to discuss but it never ends well. Tell you more tomorrow.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Renegotiation of boundaries - I think it’s a non starter. I overstepped a couple of weeks ago by touching her arse - it was an involuntary touch - I fully apologised later and she said thanks.
Oh I find this a little sad @GBS, I by no means want to look like I'm disrespecting your beautiful Wife's boundaries, especially as another Woman & a Partner, but I feel she's being a touch hard on you. I feel like in that moment you were trying to return some playfulness to your relationship, but she took it as crossing a boundary [sad face].

Do you think you could reapproach the more affection thing at your next session, maybe raise that it's something you need and that she said she would initiate, but that hasn't happened, so where too now? @GBS you are entitled to your own needs and boundaries too, I know your Wife has been hurt by this, which I fully empathise with, but it has to be a two way street!

I'm interested to read tomorrow regarding what she talks about in her Therapy, it might give us some more insight.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Morning,

to @Sammyjo thanks. After my wife’s therapy sessions I used to be so eager to hear if she’d moved on. I would generally be too inquisitive. I even did so after her last session a week ago. I am good at arguing (or I think I am!) and I don’t gaslight but I do pick at inconsistency. Not a good trait. So we often go backwards after her sessions.

So the rhetoric goes, she spent the first four months of my recovery coping with my neediness while she just coped. She said she needed to focus on her recovery and didn’t want pressure. So it is difficult when almost any advance I want to make applies pressure, however small. She is, up to a point, protected from having to make anything except the smallest baby steps. This is however unlined of me and you partners might rise up to defend her. You don’t need to, I am doing that myself. She may take longer than average to move on, and even though it’s ripping me apart, it’s probably the hand of cards I have. Poor me, right? No, not poor me. I just need to get my words out without the accusation of pressure application.

@Beautiful1973 - thanks, very sweet. Two way street is right. Talking to my therapist tomorrow and will ask how I explaimy frustration. She actually counsels a lot of partners and says my wife’s progress is utterly normal. She may not be telling the truth, but it is what she said.

203 and 51 I think. New territory on the 51 and the 203 of course. Balls of steel.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Ummmm....... I hope she comes around soon @GBS, no ones expecting her to 'move on' by any means, but I think some intimacy would rebuild your connection.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@Beautiful1973 - I guess by “moved on” I meant progressed in her recovery. Thanks for your support though which is so vital (as are all those who read, like, lurk, whatever.

@me20221 - hi. Thanks. You said it. I can process it actually. That’s half the problem. I wish I couldn’t 🤷
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Don’t get me wrong @me20221 - you were right. I do have a goal and it is hard to take when you don’t know if you’re half way there or whatever. I was being flippant really. Because I CAN process the fact that my wife’s recovery will be a long time, it is very frustrating. Thanks for your support. You inspire me just by writing. Know that.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
204 days no PMO
52 days no ejaculation, masturbation, edging
0 days without fantasising - hey, whatevs. I do have hot red blood coursing through my veins. I am not dead yet!

Fucking hell this is difficult. I have this fear that taking increased intimacy into my own hands will be a dangerous step. It could get a “what the fuck do you think you’re doing” comment and up go those shields again. Or it could be met with “that feels nice, carry on”. Shit, I just triggered myself!

Trigger = very very strong desire to let the volcano erupt.

And so we carry on. I will let you know what my therapist says later.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I have this fear that taking increased intimacy into my own hands will be a dangerous step. It could get a “what the fuck do you think you’re doing” comment and up go those shields again. Or it could be met with “that feels nice, carry on”. Shit, I just triggered myself!
Hey @GBS are you thinking about initiating intimacy with your Wife or yourself?!?!?

I hope you get an opportunity to discuss with your Therapist all your successes over the last few weeks with your recovery, and where to from here, how you handle your needs and desires?
 
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GBS

Well-Known Member
@Beautiful1973 - I was talking about intimacy with her not myself!

Much was discussed with therapist. Update later. Sneak preview- initiating affection if not almost completely mutual is probably just soothing me and if it tightens the knot in her stomach then it’s probably not wise.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Not sure if anyone is that interested but on my affection issues (or lack thereof) my therapist said it’s not easy to just say “we need more affection and it will be at the following times”. It’s organic and needs us both to be aware of generally doing more. If it’s always me doing more (which it is) then it ends up being pathetic (which it is). Not discussed with wife yet but will tomorrow. I think she will be relieved if pressure.

An otherwise excellent day but I fear I judge days on two main criteria and they go in this (pathetic) order:

1. Is my wife in a good mood
2. Is my frustration managed.

Got a yes and yes today. Boom.
 
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