Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Beautiful1973

Active Member
It’s organic and needs us both to be aware of generally doing more.
I'm interested Steely Balls.......I understand it being organic, but what happens when one doesn't do more. or doesn't want to do more?!?!?

I understand how you feel, my ex husband, who I loved & adored started to slowly become less intimate with me, until one day it just stopped and he didn't touch me for 15 months.....not once.....I felt like a child starved of affection. One night I walked into the bedroom, he was lying in bed with his back to the door, as I approached, he raised his hand up behind his back in a 'STOP' action and said "Don't even think about it @Beautiful1973, because it's not happening", what he meant by that was don't try to initiate sex or intimacy. By the time he woke up and realised he had this beautiful, sexy wife, it was too late, I'd already left in my head, I resented him so much.......sadly it took me another 5 years to leave. Sorry I didn't mean to hijack your story or suggest you end your marriage, I just want you to understand, I know how you are feeling.
 
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GBS

Well-Known Member
I think back stories are necessary to understand certain complications in relationships. Mine if you wanted to read it comes in two of my earliest posts. Simple fact is that my wife’s reticence to show affection I do not think is borne from a lack of desire. I just think she, cliché alert, needs a lot of space. Space to have no pressure, space to breathe and process, space to allow new behaviour to be bedded in.

We are still in the “space” but I sense we could move out of it. Or at least I remain hopeful. She isn’t saying talk to the hand, she is just saying we’re still in the space time continuum!!

205 days no porn 53 days no masturbation (nor any sex)

Last time I saw a naked female body was in late February. That’s true. Unbelievable but true. Great Balls of Steel. GBS.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@Beautiful1973 - given more thoughts to your back story. Thanks for speaking up, that must be painful. The best part is that you have moved on and out. Being ignored and being starved of affection is damaging. You are strong though, that is clear. You may wished you had made your decision sooner but sometimes hindsight can confuse reality. That was not your recent issue though, right? You have had a difficult time (understatement). Your strength is your trump card. With that strength you can assess whether investing in the current porn addicted guy is worth it or do you move on and find yourself a good man. A man you deserve. Thing is, if the guy you’ve recently left gets his shit together and says goodbye to the porn then you can have him Back. But what if he says he will but he doesn’t? Ah….hindsight….there you are, wondered where you were.

It is difficult. I hate that you were badly treated by two people and starved. Intimacy starvation is difficult. Starts to make me/one look in the mirror and say “am I unattractive? Am I?” I have done that. Even said the words out loud (no one else was in the house btw!), that’s how cranky one can get. I don’t understand it and trying to see the logic drives one mad.

Keep being strong, gal. I have your back as well.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
206 no PMO
54 no MO

There is a cycle of addiction, actually there are several, and the question for we porn addicts is: does our reboot just keep us in the dormant phase or can we actually get off the cycle? Alcohol addicts always (so I am told) describe themselves as “recovering alcoholics” even if they’ve been sober for 25 years or so. They’re not allowed to say they’ve recovered. I guess it’s just a discipline and someone somewhere will say that the psychological need is to be wary as the devil lurks in the shadows. He will pounce on the complacent. But how does being “recovered” make you complacent?

I would argue that I haven’t recovered yet, but if I get to 1000 days, say, then I will have recovered. If I can go to a nudist beach and not walk around fantasising about having sex with the more beautiful ones, then I am cured, right? I don’t know the answer. I just don’t like that someone says once an addict always an addict. Views?

On to the bit you wanted to know about…..yeah, well, she looked so good yesterday I could almost eat her. Woahhhh….so close to trigger there. We had a nice chat about my therapy session and she said we would do something more affectionate and she wanted it too (!!!) but she wanted to make sure that I didn’t take advantage. So she gets to make the rules. That actually turns me on but I didn’t tell her that obvs. It’s a move in the right direction so I checked which drawer the bunting is in…and we shall see. My bollocks are bloody full, and a bit bigger, and sometimes when I am semi aroused they are somewhat tender rto the touch. Yes, lurkers, that is one BIG understatement!
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
GBS, I do not know how your wife feels, but for me I had to be sure that my husband and my affection did not feel porny. So let me explain. Once he was immersed in porn, he acted very different leading up to intimacy. Pre-addiction there was affection, flirting, husband wife sexy talk. Sex was fun. Then as he went down the rabbit hole to lots of females always ready. Young, pretty, curvy I was not worth the effort. We kissed less, no hand holding, no little flirts. No initiation by him. If there was it was grab ass or boob. Our sex life pretty much stopped. Once I found out, and how long it went on. I wondered how much of what he liked to do was porny? So to resume a relationship, we had to start with holding hands, talking, kissing no intent on sex. That was so it was me not just sex. I had to know he liked me. Looking at other women was kind of equal to not liking me. He chose someone else. Not just one, but anyone that was naked. Maybe this helps.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I think it's so tough to say with porn whether you're "recovered". With alcohol I would say once you can have an occasional drink without it leading to a return to the old addictive patterns again, then you are recovered. For some people this never happens. They have to stay 100% dry forever. Hence the 25 year recovering addict. That statement can also just be a caution for themselves to be careful...

But for porn, can we ever go back and look at just a bit of it? Is that ok? I do believe that some people can do that without becoming addicts. But for us porn is out for more reasons than that. The objectification of women, our partners, PIED, etc. Plus, porn addiction perverts one of life's most precious gifts and joys - sex. That sexual energy will always be in us, will always be in so many things around us...

So when are we recovered? When we can handle a bit of it safely? I don't think so. Maybe when we just don't even consider checking it out, or the thought disgusts us? Will we ever get there? For myself, I am not sure...
 
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Beautiful1973

Active Member
We kissed less, no hand holding, no little flirts. No initiation by him. If there was it was grab ass or boob. Our sex life pretty much stopped. Once I found out, and how long it went on. I wondered how much of what he liked to do was porny? So to resume a relationship, we had to start with holding hands, talking, kissing no intent on sex. That was so it was me not just sex. I had to know he liked me. Looking at other women was kind of equal to not liking me. He chose someone else. Not just one, but anyone that was naked.
Gosh isn't it terribly sad what this nonsense does to our romantic relationships!:(
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Gracie @SimonM @Beautiful1973 - helpful.

For context @Gracie - I possibly sound a bit “porny” actually. I am not but I can be a bit flip on here. I wrote my wife a card the other day the premise for which was this: I want to be connected again, I want affection that leads to better connection, it isn’t a cry for sex. And I closed with my punchline that the old adage that “men are just after one thing” simply isn’t true for me now. It took me a while to wake up to that, but wake up I most certainly have. I am not sure she believes me so you’re comments are apt and helpful.

@SimonM - you’re probably right. I don’t think I can do the odd video every now and then. I just don’t like the label of always recovering, but I will live with it. I can enjoy alcohol by having wine at the weekend but I wasn’t actually ever an alcoholic, just had too much.

@Beautiful1973 - it’s way worse than sad. I think I have a shot at fixing it here. I fear for the human race though.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I think I have a shot at fixing it
I really think you will @GBS , you are working so hard on your communication and rebuilding the connection with your Wife.
I also think you having the opportunity to vent your frustrations to us, means you haven't reflected those emotions onto your Wife, allowing her the space she needs, even if it just at a subconscious level. I love that she wants to make the rules, that's a bit sexy aye.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
You know what @Beautiful1973 , that is most astute: that RN provides at outlet for frustration or just comments that my wife probably wouldn’t be best hearing. I can vent on my therapy sessions as well, but frankly you guys are way cheaper 😉

I await the rules. Sheesh……more waiting. What is harder than steel? Just Googled that. Answer is titanium (amongst others). So GBT then!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
207 no porn 55 no ejaculation

Great day yesterday. Things looking good with Mrs GBS albeit no increased affection, just connected. Tried not to stare at her tits. Failed. Tried again. Failed. No MO of course but would have exploded if I had.

Discipline shall be my watchword.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
We have a mini family crisis - just as the increase in affection rules were possibly going to be set - God is playing games. I believe in him so I smile at his games. I am secondary right now which is exactly where I should be, RN is my outlet for saying: “you have got to be effing kidding me”. I will possibly (probably not knowing me) be less present on here for a few days.

Discipline shall remain my watchword and I will not succumb to any pressure be that psychological or the tightness of my boxers on the titanium spheres.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @GBS, I hope everything is well with your family situation.

Almost 2 months no MO, pretty impressive.

Best brother.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Kind of you to ask @Blondie - a lot better thanks. For perspective my wife was up all night a couple of days ago, and as she came back into bed about 3.50am I asked what was up? She said “I’ll talk to you about it in the morning”. I said, no, talk now. In the next split second I thought she was going to say “I don’t think I want any more affection and I don’t fancy you anymore” - honestly that’s what my blood pressure is like these days! She said she was worried about a boy in (one of my) son’s basketball team. Inside I was thinking “pheweee”, but the problem has made for quite a difficult two days and consumed all my wife’s energy, my son’s maturity, and my empathy. It has partly blown over. Thanks nonetheless.

2 months no MO is going well. Tough about ten days ago, but actually not bad right now. Fantasy world is nearly gone. I miss it so much. I am thinking 90 days no MO as a goal but we shall see.

My wife was going to set the new affection boundaries but the basketballgate issue has pushed that further down the agenda. Oh how empathetic I am 🤷
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Good to hear that everything is okay, or mostly!
I am thinking 90 days no MO as a goal but we shall see.
That is a fantastic goal.

Sometimes I wonder if I should do something like that myself. Who knows, either way, thanks for inspiring!

Best
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
@GBS I have an idea for you. My husband came home from his business trip with the idea of going out on a date (like a first date as best you can after being married for 33 years). He was clear to say that it was a no pressure night (as far as expectations of sex go). He came prepared with questions like "tell me one thing I don't know about you". I'd answer and then I would have to come up with a question for him. I'd have to think about what some of the other question's were, but it led to some great conversation. It really opened the door to feeling connected to him again.

That said, as much as I want to feel connected again it was a bit disarming. I could feel my heart softening and a wall trying to go up at the same time.

Anyway, we are going to try to do this on a weekly basis. Perhaps your wife would be open to something like this? I will just add one caution - if she is willing to do this, don't address sex in these conversations unless she brings it up, and if she does, follow her lead.

At some point I am going to write more about this on my vomiting thoughts thread, I still have a lot to process.
 
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