Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
Cheers my friend.

Latest avenue to go down is exploring “attachment“ styles (from child upbringing). I think I have traits of anxious/ambivalent and my wife is avoidant. Key question: will she admit it if asked?

Oh, and I read your piece on penis size @Blondie . I think you reassured your many followers! We have spent an enormous number of hours looking at 8 inch wedding tackle us porn addicts, and we’ve only just realised our seemingly inadequate knobs are actually normal. So we’re not freaks after all, the porn stars are! Who knew? 🤷
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thank you Sir.
Oh, and I read your piece on penis size @Blondie . I think you reassured your many followers! We have spent an enormous number of hours looking at 8 inch wedding tackle us porn addicts, and we’ve only just realised our seemingly inadequate knobs are actually normal. So we’re not freaks after all, the porn stars are! Who knew? 🤷
Yes, it really is crazy when you stop to think about it. Not only does porn mess up our views about women but our views about ourselves as well. A double whammy!

Garbage in garbage out.

Best to you and your conversations with your therapist and wife.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
218 no PMO
66 no MO (or any ejaculation)

Focus with therapist was on accepting my childhood was inadequate despite my general mantra. I had hidden anxiety and that manifested itself as people pleasing and wondering if relationships would end. Some did. It gets me to a place where I can rationalise the person I was and why. It does help but it doesn’t change the here and now.

Conversation with wife just proves we’re miles apart. She knows I have done a lot but that doesn’t speed up her recovery. She can always find a way to explain that her mindset is different. I may be changed but she is only slowly unraveling the hurt. She says it has nothing to do with whether she finds me attractive. She just cannot step out into a world of affection when the foundation of her recovery is still fragile. Others may get to her point a lot quicker than 7 months but that doesn’t make her a liver or a non trier. She said she was mildly triggered (we agreed we both did like that word) by my behaviour about 10 days ago. I said it was me sulking through frustration and panic that we would never go further than where we are. That appeased he to the extent that it was an explanation and a justified one. But that doesn’t mean affection- she said that.

She doesn’t want that yet. Others might think her crazy. I don’t. We carry on.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Not crazy @GBS, I was just reflecting my own desire for affection from my man, but then I am also an insecure anxious attachment, so maybe that’s why.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @me20221 and @Beautiful1973 - good perspective.

219 days no porn and 67 days no ejaculation.

That was a tough day yesterday. Just no connection with wife. Seems like we’ve made no progress. I know we have. This is the hard bit. I do crave affection so much - just can;t get my head round what’s wrong with a spoon in bed or lying on a sofa in each other’s arms. I also crave sex. Big time. My balls hurt just writing that. I have sexual dreams which are odd. Morning glory is hard as titanium. Resting morning stare is still podgy and swollen. It’s nice for the confidence but otherwise difficult to manage.

I will be nice today. There we go.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @GBS, I know you know all of this, but just hang in there. You're doing so well and have literally changed your life for the better. It's very inspiring just reading your story.

I know you want things to be different with your wife, but there is two parts of this, your story with your wife and YOUR story, and honestly, for your part, you are a different man and it's been amazing to watch that happen over these months. I really do wish change will happen soon with your relationship, but just remember when you're feeling down and low, that no matter what, you're a bad ass with big ass balls (literally!)

Best to you sir.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
You know how people just write “LOL” these days whilst they barely snigger. I actually laughed out loud to your last post @Blondie . Your support is astonishing. How many hours do you do on here?

Anyway - you’re right, this is about me conquering the lure of porn. I think if I am brutally honest I haven’t completely kicked it yet. I can’t say that until I don’t fear going back. I won’t go back but I still fear my weakness. Is that gobbledygook?

If there’s one thing about RN that’s imperfect, it’s the potential danger that you write things in a hurry and emotionally charged. I try and consider before I write but sometimes it’s a stream of consciousness and ramblings. I am actually very level headed in life. I respect my (effing sexy) wife’s decisions and I stand by them. That doesn’t mean it drives me mad because it does. But she’s not a robot and her moods go up and down. It is hard work coping with the down moments when logic says I should be knighted!

Thanks again oh blond one, as we say in the UK…..you’re a good egg.

And thanks to the astonishingly @Beautiful1973 - you’re a good egg too. Keep going friends.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
220 no PMO
68 days no MO

All good yesterday at GBS Towers. Mood swings are most certainly NOT only a female domain. Mine swings too. Being an anxious insecure attachment style chap, this means I have to look out for the moments when I am anxious but have no need to be. That’s actually a very difficult thing to do and a learned habit. But being free from pornography has opened my mind up to a greater confidence so that anxieties about being left on my own are not anxieti anymore.

So why do I still worry so much? I think that’s an easy one. Because I care. So it’s about making sure that you don’t worry for no good reason and when you do worry you do it for every right reason.

I was really really close to MO’ing a day or so ago, and I even contemplated PMO. Shock, horror, right? I didn’t get close, don’t worry - it was just a day where despair reared it’s ugly head. I started looking into the future and seeing nothing and I thought fleetingly….why not? Dragged myself back though. Boy though….when you’re on a near 70 day no ejac streak, the feeling inside us a new one. Never been here before. I don’t feel like anything except sex with my wife. And I also wonder if when I come, whether it will be more intense. We await the answer. Don’t expect the answer tomorrow readers.
 

Nico

Active Member
I can only salute you really, I was spinning out after day 45. You caught the temptation and won a fight - I am starting to see that this really is a battle with all our demons. actually this reminds me of a book called Feeding our Demons which is very interesting and talks about dialoguing and giving them what they really want. I might dig it out again. Anyway I can totally relate to the despair demon! I should call them triggers really, but you know what I mean!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
221 no porn
69 no ejaculation. That gave me a mini urge right there!

It is no harder than it was 20 days ago to stay on this full reboot, but it was difficult then anyway. Sometimes I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a sort of mild butterflies feeling. It’s a generally nice feeling albeit it is normally associated with the anticipation of sex. So not the blue balls feeling, more that slight tightening in my core. I suspect if I was a gym person I could bench press a few kilos more than my personal best. I could rip trees out of the ground right now. Not frustration exactly, because I am used to that….it’s just a sense of commanding strength allied to a feeling like I had as a adolescent where you feel like you could have sex three times in one evening. Exec summary - I feel great just want sex please.

Wife is being lovely although no increased affection. All good really. I am sitting a tricky exam here, but I did the revision so it’s all good.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
222 no PMO
70 no MO

I know now that I will get to 90 days no MO (no ejaculation at all) because I know myself. In fact we all know ourselves and we know what treats we give ourselves and we know how we will get over these. Or we know them and we know we’ll have trouble getting over the urges. But let’s not dupe ourselves, we do KNOW, right? Whether it’s searching for some porn subs or fantasy world in your head. They are difficult not to avoid. The trick is can we deal with the frustration.

I don’t need you to feel sorry for me but I don’t look for porn subs because I have my wife to look at. Ample bosom and curves. So it’s tricky, very tricky. I do cope. Sometimes I don’t like that I cope because I should be tearing off her clothes, shouldn’t I? I am almost getting used to dealing with the frustration which is why I say I know I will get to 90 days. Then there are days when my penis stays semi swollen all day and my libido is through the roof and I cannot stop myself from undressing my wife. Then you get that feeling in your gut and you know you have to stay pure. It’s a game. An amazing game. I am getting better slowly and I actually quite like myself. Oh yes….and I have Great Balls of Steel (aka GBS).
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
222
That's my number, I used to see it EVERYWHERE, and when I saw this I looked up at the top of the page and it seem you joined on May 2, 2022.

I found this years ago, by Doreen Virtue, I think it's called "Angel Numbers"

222 - Our newly planted ideas are beginning to grow into reality. Keep watering and nurturing them, and soon they will push through the soil so you can see evidence of your manifestation. In other words, don't quit five minutes before the miracle. Your manifestation is soon going to be evident to you, so keep up the good work! Keep holding positive thoughts, keep affirming, and continue visualizing.
Keep watering and Happy 222 day!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Blondie and @Sammyjo and indeed all of my many pals on here. 222 is a good number. My daughter was born on 2 Feb 2002, so she has a birthday of 02.02.02. It is a good number.

I will keep watering.

I found a picture of Clint Eastwood as a child and he appeared to have blond hair by the way.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
223 days no porn
71 days no MO/ejac

It’s also been a month since I raised my big issue of affection and the craving for more. There has been much talk but exactly zero increased affection. I know she just can’t do it. It’s not like I don’t understand. But just putting up with it is, at one level, killing me. That level says that she can actually say a complete no for 7 months and carry on like we’re a happily married couple….will she one day say that’s the deal. The walls are up forever. Remember I am not talking about sex here. I just want a cuddle. I feel like a child being starved.

But I am not a child. I am a mature man. I have hot red blood coursing through my veins. So I get to a point where the mild depression and the frustration meet in the middle- and the new, reasonable me…the one who has seen the light ….says get a grip. She will work it out.

Am I sure she will? Very nearly. Will I be able to cope if it’s a two year wait? Yes…..but Jeez…..this is not what I expected.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I will say this, when my husband and I were working on boundaries and what would heal us going forward, I made non sexual touching a must in our recovery as a couple. Why? Because I am tactile sensitive and I recognized my need to define the touch. The most important though was if I did not do this, I would not want him to touch me at all. To me the sex would be only because he did not have his porn outlet. Our sex life had dwindled down as he used. I did not want to be “just a substitute “. I do not know what your wife is going through, but I do know the touch thing for me had to be very intentional.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Good Morning @GBS

3 questions: I know you are each in therapy, do you do combined therapy as well? Do any of the therapists use EFT (emotionally focused therapy)? Have you and Mrs. GBS tackled the "Hold Me Tight" book yet? (Whether or not you have tackled it, be sure you have read the introduction, it tackles the in's and out's of attachment theory and why connection is so important.)

I believe she cites this experiment in her book:
Harlow’s Monkey experiments (Harlow & Harlow, 1965) are perhaps the most famous example of research pointing at the primacy of the need for touch. In a series of experiments, Harlow created inanimate surrogate mothers for baby monkeys made from wire and wool. Each infant became attached to its particular “mother,” recognizing its unique face and preferring it above others.


Next, Harlow presented the infants with a soft, cuddly clothed "mother" as well as a wire "mother" located in two separate but attached chambers. Only the wire “mother” held a bottle with food. Harlow found that the monkeys spent far more time next snuggled against the cloth “mother” than they spent with the wire “mother” even though the wire “mother” was the only one with food. Food may be necessary for survival, but touch is what sustains us.


Later in his career, Harlow carried out perhaps his most controversial study, by cultivating infant monkeys in isolation chambers for up to 24 months. The infant monkeys emerged from isolation deeply disturbed, a finding of which many credit as having started the animal rights movement.

Since Harlow’s experiments, research has uncovered an astonishing number of poor health outcomes that result when we are deprived of touch. The correlation between anxiety, depression and stress and touch is large and inversely related. It has been found that touch calms our nervous center and slows down our heartbeat. Human touch also lowers blood pressure as well as cortisol, our stress hormone. It also triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known for promoting emotional bonding to others.

We all know it is not wise to force the progression. Understanding why the beautiful Mrs. GBS is so adverse to touch might be a good first step. When she thinks about you touching or cuddling her, what does she physically feel - for example - tightness in her chest, overall tension, nausea, etc. She may even be adverse to expressing the sensation (for example imagine that the sensation is nausea, and imagine admitting to your husband he make you feel nauseous. For some women it's easy to say "even looking at you makes me feel sick", for other's not so easy.) But identifying the sensation is the first step. The next question would be "what thought or emotion is causing that sensation?".

Ok I'm gonna stop playing therapist right there. My bottom line is that if you aren't already engaged in EFT you might want to consider a therapist who is well trained in it or read her book. She also has a "Hold Me Tight" workbook scheduled for release in mid December.

Continue the good battle sir!
 
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