@GBS, almost 90 days, that's insane sir, congrats.
I think my message is this: those of us who are committed to the revolution and are utterly determined to get rid of the porn devil (mine is a 45 year off and on relationship) do actually deserve something, even something from the most hurt partners. Something. It’s a start. We both need healing and actually we both need empathy.
I wholeheartedly agree.
I think it's important for both partners to have/set boundaries for what they will and will not accept from their partner during these times, yes, even the "bad" one. I think it's real easy for the relationship power dynamics to shift to the betrayed partner, thus, they automatically become the judger of morality in the relationship while the "addict" becomes the child who has to sit in the corner until he's a good little boy. While I understand this to some extant (yes, we fucked up) this is not healthy for anyone, especially one who is honestly trying to fix his or her problems.
For example, just because we fucked up, doesn't EVER mean we should have to put up with...
- Yelling/screaming from our partner (unless you're in to that shit, no thanks lol)
- Violence or verbal abuse (leave instantly, possibly for good)
- Disrespect in all its forms (talking down to you, mocking you, calling you a pervert etc.)
- Revenge fucking to get back at you. Last time I checked, I only looked at porn. And if porn and pussy equal the same punishment, why the hell did I say no to all those opportunities with real women over the years? If porn is really cheating, I should have actually cheated, especially if the punishment is the same. Justice demands distinctions.
- Shaming us, as if the SO has no problems of their own. No one is the "perfect one" in any relationship, yes, not even the SO of a porn addict.
I'm not saying your wife is doing any of these things GBS, just making the point, that as porn addicts, we should love ourselves first, and never let our wives/partners get away with BS, because we "deserve it and are worthless creatures".
No one deserves BS from their partner, not the addict nor the betrayed. I feel fortunate that my lady never pulled any of this nonsense on me, but I think she knew if she did, I would have left, as she had every right to leave as well.
Life is too short to put up with bullshit, either yours or your partners.
Every relationship should have boundaries, and each partner should know, if they cross the line, the door is always open for them to leave.
We both need healing and actually we both need empathy.
I agree. Which is why I say all of this. True healing comes from true empathy, and true empathy comes from loving yourself first and foremost, and having the proper boundaries in place, so that the other person can respect and love you in return.
We're not fucks up, we just fucked up.
Stay strong
@GBS, you're my hero.
Also, Superman called, he says he wants his balls back!