Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
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GBS
Respected Member
230 days no porn
78 days (extremely) hard mode
Doing fine thanks @Blondie - in fact a very good morning with dogs (2) walked, nice chat with Mrs GBS, and some thoughts about choirs. Without declaring every part of my life and retaining some anonymity I am a conductor and a singer - and running one choir requires diplomacy and tact and patience that Mother Theresa would be proud of. There you go…a little insight.
I saw my mother yesterday and caught up. One of the areas my therapist most explores is how my people pleasing, flirtatious nature comes from my very slightly dysfunctional upbringing. Mrs GBS is impressed that I admit to the dysfunction, actually in a disproportionate way. Not sure quite why really, maybe it’s to be more equal- hers was off the charts dysfunctional. I will explore further. Some mild increased affection while we talked. Interesting.
78 days hard mode. Easy to cope today. Wary of saying things like that.
78 days (extremely) hard mode
Doing fine thanks @Blondie - in fact a very good morning with dogs (2) walked, nice chat with Mrs GBS, and some thoughts about choirs. Without declaring every part of my life and retaining some anonymity I am a conductor and a singer - and running one choir requires diplomacy and tact and patience that Mother Theresa would be proud of. There you go…a little insight.
I saw my mother yesterday and caught up. One of the areas my therapist most explores is how my people pleasing, flirtatious nature comes from my very slightly dysfunctional upbringing. Mrs GBS is impressed that I admit to the dysfunction, actually in a disproportionate way. Not sure quite why really, maybe it’s to be more equal- hers was off the charts dysfunctional. I will explore further. Some mild increased affection while we talked. Interesting.
78 days hard mode. Easy to cope today. Wary of saying things like that.
Brings a whole different level of joy and peace to the heart when you're in the right place!
GBS
Respected Member
231 days no porn, also no visibility of a naked woman at all
79 days as above but no masturbation (since very early August I recall)
Odd feeling yesterday of weird sort of flatline. Didn’t get any sexual urge at all. I didn’t try to locate a fantasy which I am proud of, but I still had a weird feeling that something is wrong. I am not going to worry. I am experienced enough now to know that all these little odd moments and flatlines are the brain. I did this to myself and so undoing it has to be full of tricks. I recall a nice quote from @Warhawk88 ’s journal which says “you can’t rush the process, trust the process”. I am not actually a fan of the kitsch cliché but that one is great. Trust the process. Stop and think what those words actually mean. Trust is a MASSIVE word.
Went to SAA meeting on Tuesday evening. Some discussion on love v lust. I came home and read some basic stuff. Not revelatory but a really good guide and maxim for progress to the light.
LOVE: grows slowly, gives, patient, respects, unselfish, honest, friendship, security, constant work
LUST: at first sight, takes, impatient, desires, selfish, not always loyal, image, jealousy, fling
Hmmm…..I don’t need to say anything, right?
@SimonM - maybe I should start the RN choir (like a version of the many military wives choirs over here). Might get a sponsor and we might get on TV. Who knows? A little difficult to organise perhaps.
79 days as above but no masturbation (since very early August I recall)
Odd feeling yesterday of weird sort of flatline. Didn’t get any sexual urge at all. I didn’t try to locate a fantasy which I am proud of, but I still had a weird feeling that something is wrong. I am not going to worry. I am experienced enough now to know that all these little odd moments and flatlines are the brain. I did this to myself and so undoing it has to be full of tricks. I recall a nice quote from @Warhawk88 ’s journal which says “you can’t rush the process, trust the process”. I am not actually a fan of the kitsch cliché but that one is great. Trust the process. Stop and think what those words actually mean. Trust is a MASSIVE word.
Went to SAA meeting on Tuesday evening. Some discussion on love v lust. I came home and read some basic stuff. Not revelatory but a really good guide and maxim for progress to the light.
LOVE: grows slowly, gives, patient, respects, unselfish, honest, friendship, security, constant work
LUST: at first sight, takes, impatient, desires, selfish, not always loyal, image, jealousy, fling
Hmmm…..I don’t need to say anything, right?
@SimonM - maybe I should start the RN choir (like a version of the many military wives choirs over here). Might get a sponsor and we might get on TV. Who knows? A little difficult to organise perhaps.
GBS
Respected Member
233 days no porn
81 days hard mode
I feel like I owe you guys an update on where things are with Mrs GBS. But it feels boring to say that by and large nothing has changed. That in itself can seem incredibly depressing - standing still having virtually zero affection and obviously no sex or even a hint of it - can be demoralising. Yet I actually thinks things are progressing. We still talk, not quite as often as in the first three months, but still once or twice a week. Slowly we make progress.
I might ask one or two women on here a question. Do you think she is aware just what sort of frustrated agony I am going through by withholding all sexual advance? Tempted as you may be to say “buddy, you deserve it in spades redoubled” I would encourage you to refrain.
After a day or so where my fantasy works dried up and I couldn’t dream up a way to get an erection without some hand assistance- I had several bones yesterday just after hugs with wife. I was going to say I am not a pervert, but probably am, but when we hug I get a slight opportunity for a side squeeze of the boobs, and that little frisson of excitement is enough to raise the Titanic.
If no pain no gain is an accurate cliché- that I expect some serious gains today. Fuck this is difficult. Resistance, perseverance, remember who I was, We carry on.
81 days hard mode
I feel like I owe you guys an update on where things are with Mrs GBS. But it feels boring to say that by and large nothing has changed. That in itself can seem incredibly depressing - standing still having virtually zero affection and obviously no sex or even a hint of it - can be demoralising. Yet I actually thinks things are progressing. We still talk, not quite as often as in the first three months, but still once or twice a week. Slowly we make progress.
I might ask one or two women on here a question. Do you think she is aware just what sort of frustrated agony I am going through by withholding all sexual advance? Tempted as you may be to say “buddy, you deserve it in spades redoubled” I would encourage you to refrain.
After a day or so where my fantasy works dried up and I couldn’t dream up a way to get an erection without some hand assistance- I had several bones yesterday just after hugs with wife. I was going to say I am not a pervert, but probably am, but when we hug I get a slight opportunity for a side squeeze of the boobs, and that little frisson of excitement is enough to raise the Titanic.
If no pain no gain is an accurate cliché- that I expect some serious gains today. Fuck this is difficult. Resistance, perseverance, remember who I was, We carry on.
Taking your question literally my answer is probably. I'm pretty sure women understand that men (generally) need sexual release fairly frequently. Although the more I think about, it I'm not sure I would've realized there is "agony" involved without having the knowledge of the feelings you have shared in your journal.
I have no idea what blue balls feel like or how long it lasts. (Is this the agony part or is there more to it?) You've previously said you long for physical touch, here you are saying "sexual advance". In my mind they are 2 completely different things, but they may not be in a man's mind. My questions (o better answer your question) are: Is it physical and/or mental agony? What is/are the cause(s) of the agony?
Prior to "D Day" in my mind physical touch didn't necessarily have lead to sex, but sexual advances more than likely would. After D Day I wasn't snuggling him or caressing him for fear he would think I was initiating sex.
I haven't withheld sex (I needed him to need me). I won't initiate sex though, I still can't. That said, I was unaware that my husband was missing me snuggle him and caress him, I was beside myself when he told me that...utter shock.
Edit: Had my coffee and more thoughts -
Does Mrs GBS know you are in full monk mode? Does she BELIEVE you're in full monk mode?
I ask because if my husband were traveling for a week I would find it hard to believe he didn't MO once during that time. Well, to be fair, prior to D DAY I never would've believed it, now he tells me he doesn't but I'm on the fence about believing it. If Mrs GBS doesn't know about full monk mode or doesn't fully believe it, she would be oblivious to your agony.
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GBS
Respected Member
Actually I can reply now: Mrs GBS was “told” I was going hard mode a while back but I sensed she wanted very little to do with that I.e. she made a sort of passing comment that she liked it but has said nothing since. That was 3 or 4 months ago and in that time I did MO the once but not since beginning of August. I do not expect sex yet, and I chose hard mode so I suppose the question is a stupid one actually. I think it’s more a general question as to whether holding off from any form of even minor affection is a tease of sorts? She must know it’s killing me.
Blue balls is difficult to explain. Just phenomenally tender and you walk around like you have rock hard bollocks (which you do). Release may have to happen. We shall see. Maybe when I wrote the above I was struggling. Ok right now.
Thanks for chiming in @Sammyjo . Appreciated.
Blue balls is difficult to explain. Just phenomenally tender and you walk around like you have rock hard bollocks (which you do). Release may have to happen. We shall see. Maybe when I wrote the above I was struggling. Ok right now.
Thanks for chiming in @Sammyjo . Appreciated.
GBS
Respected Member
235 days no porn
83 hard mode days
Been reading a lot of the partners’ threads. It’s slightly self pity and negative indulgence but it also keeps me grounded and when my wife is being less communicating (which she is) it sort of allows me to stay sane and adult. I was tempted to throw in my two pennies’ worth on one thread, but I thought I would say it here.
We addicts don’t have a leg to stand on. We can easily be torn down. We have only a small perspective of the damage we caused. We probably are very hard to trust and forgive. BUT forgiveness is a gift NOT to the person you are forgiving but to yourself. If you’re a partner reading this and it sounds like horse shit, perhaps don;t read on. I am not trying to bail us out. We, as I said, don’t have a leg to stand on. We kicked you, and you can kick us back. Maybe things will never be the same again. BUT possibly they will. We’re trying. We’re trying so hard. I am not one who cries much, but I have been really close. My wife is devastated. She says it’s going to take a long time.
I could say: I didn’t have a real life affair, I only looked occasionally, I was out of control, everyone does it…..but I didn’t say those things. I said I WILL FIX THIS.
I will not say I have fixed it yet, but 235 days is a good start. She hasn’t left. There is hope. Cliché alert, time is a good healer.
I think my message is this: those of us who are committed to the revolution and are utterly determined to get rid of the porn devil (mine is a 45 year off and on relationship) do actually deserve something, even something from the most hurt partners. Something. It’s a start. We both need healing and actually we both need empathy.
This is very hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I get validation on here which is of course very uplifting. My wife just says - keep going. That’s enough. That’s called “real life”.
One more week to complete the hard mode reboot. Testicles are the size of golf balls and possibly a little tougher. Yikes. Serious horny feeling this morning. Drove me mad.
83 hard mode days
Been reading a lot of the partners’ threads. It’s slightly self pity and negative indulgence but it also keeps me grounded and when my wife is being less communicating (which she is) it sort of allows me to stay sane and adult. I was tempted to throw in my two pennies’ worth on one thread, but I thought I would say it here.
We addicts don’t have a leg to stand on. We can easily be torn down. We have only a small perspective of the damage we caused. We probably are very hard to trust and forgive. BUT forgiveness is a gift NOT to the person you are forgiving but to yourself. If you’re a partner reading this and it sounds like horse shit, perhaps don;t read on. I am not trying to bail us out. We, as I said, don’t have a leg to stand on. We kicked you, and you can kick us back. Maybe things will never be the same again. BUT possibly they will. We’re trying. We’re trying so hard. I am not one who cries much, but I have been really close. My wife is devastated. She says it’s going to take a long time.
I could say: I didn’t have a real life affair, I only looked occasionally, I was out of control, everyone does it…..but I didn’t say those things. I said I WILL FIX THIS.
I will not say I have fixed it yet, but 235 days is a good start. She hasn’t left. There is hope. Cliché alert, time is a good healer.
I think my message is this: those of us who are committed to the revolution and are utterly determined to get rid of the porn devil (mine is a 45 year off and on relationship) do actually deserve something, even something from the most hurt partners. Something. It’s a start. We both need healing and actually we both need empathy.
This is very hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I get validation on here which is of course very uplifting. My wife just says - keep going. That’s enough. That’s called “real life”.
One more week to complete the hard mode reboot. Testicles are the size of golf balls and possibly a little tougher. Yikes. Serious horny feeling this morning. Drove me mad.
Jlied
Active Member
@GBS I think that’s the most important thing, taking responsibility for our actions and not make excuses. We can’t minimize it because it only serves to dismiss the pain of those we hurt. The only way is to be honest with ourselves no matter how humbling it may be. If we can’t do that, if we can’t even be honest with ourselves how can we ever be trusted to do the right thing by our loved ones.
congratulations on haw far you’ve come! Keep up the good fight!
congratulations on haw far you’ve come! Keep up the good fight!
GBS
Respected Member
236 days no porn
84 days no ejaculation
Tough day of discipline yesterday. Sometimes I wonder (as I don’t touch myself) whether the tackle will work like clockwork when it’s required. What if it doesn’t? No point me worrying about it, but no point writing that either because I am a human being so obviously I worry a bit. Maybe it will be better than ever.
At my horniest yesterday (I was chewing my nails off) I resorted to doing a physical task. It works. A lot may get done today!
Fuck pornography and those that peddle it and the sad people who are manipulated by it, and the many millions who don’t care but just indulge because they like thrills.
It’s way more thrilling to be a new person. WAY MORE.
84 days no ejaculation
Tough day of discipline yesterday. Sometimes I wonder (as I don’t touch myself) whether the tackle will work like clockwork when it’s required. What if it doesn’t? No point me worrying about it, but no point writing that either because I am a human being so obviously I worry a bit. Maybe it will be better than ever.
At my horniest yesterday (I was chewing my nails off) I resorted to doing a physical task. It works. A lot may get done today!
Fuck pornography and those that peddle it and the sad people who are manipulated by it, and the many millions who don’t care but just indulge because they like thrills.
It’s way more thrilling to be a new person. WAY MORE.
Blondie
Respected Member
@GBS, almost 90 days, that's insane sir, congrats.
I think it's important for both partners to have/set boundaries for what they will and will not accept from their partner during these times, yes, even the "bad" one. I think it's real easy for the relationship power dynamics to shift to the betrayed partner, thus, they automatically become the judger of morality in the relationship while the "addict" becomes the child who has to sit in the corner until he's a good little boy. While I understand this to some extant (yes, we fucked up) this is not healthy for anyone, especially one who is honestly trying to fix his or her problems.
For example, just because we fucked up, doesn't EVER mean we should have to put up with...
Life is too short to put up with bullshit, either yours or your partners.
Every relationship should have boundaries, and each partner should know, if they cross the line, the door is always open for them to leave.
We're not fucks up, we just fucked up.
Stay strong @GBS, you're my hero.
Also, Superman called, he says he wants his balls back!
I wholeheartedly agree.
I think it's important for both partners to have/set boundaries for what they will and will not accept from their partner during these times, yes, even the "bad" one. I think it's real easy for the relationship power dynamics to shift to the betrayed partner, thus, they automatically become the judger of morality in the relationship while the "addict" becomes the child who has to sit in the corner until he's a good little boy. While I understand this to some extant (yes, we fucked up) this is not healthy for anyone, especially one who is honestly trying to fix his or her problems.
For example, just because we fucked up, doesn't EVER mean we should have to put up with...
- Yelling/screaming from our partner (unless you're in to that shit, no thanks lol)
- Violence or verbal abuse (leave instantly, possibly for good)
- Disrespect in all its forms (talking down to you, mocking you, calling you a pervert etc.)
- Revenge fucking to get back at you. Last time I checked, I only looked at porn. And if porn and pussy equal the same punishment, why the hell did I say no to all those opportunities with real women over the years? If porn is really cheating, I should have actually cheated, especially if the punishment is the same. Justice demands distinctions.
- Shaming us, as if the SO has no problems of their own. No one is the "perfect one" in any relationship, yes, not even the SO of a porn addict.
Life is too short to put up with bullshit, either yours or your partners.
Every relationship should have boundaries, and each partner should know, if they cross the line, the door is always open for them to leave.
I agree. Which is why I say all of this. True healing comes from true empathy, and true empathy comes from loving yourself first and foremost, and having the proper boundaries in place, so that the other person can respect and love you in return.
We're not fucks up, we just fucked up.
Stay strong @GBS, you're my hero.
Also, Superman called, he says he wants his balls back!
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I like that, brother, so true.
Not every sin is 'created' equal. Unfortunately for a lot of couples (perhaps even my own to an extent), the reactions were so over-the-top, so abusive, so extreme (albeit understandable to an extent), that it closed off a real opportunity for deeper connection, healing, and maturing of the relationship.
This can open up into other topics, but this speaks to perhaps the differences between male and female, on how we as men are called to be protectors of the fairer sex, and part of that protection is manning up and overcoming this thing we got ourselves into over the years, and not burdening the one's we're protecting with something they should never have had to deal with.
It's like someone famous once said, "You can't unscramble an egg." But going forward, facing ourselves, finding healing, definitely benefits all, no matter how it was initially discovered or revealed.
Blondie
Respected Member
That's a good point @Phineas 808, thanks.
In my rush out the door this morning, I also didn't mention the fact that I'm not married nor have any children, which I understand would make this situation more difficult to say the least.
At the end of the day though, everyone should have proper boundaries for themselves and their partner to the best that their situation demands.
Keep killing it @GBS.
In my rush out the door this morning, I also didn't mention the fact that I'm not married nor have any children, which I understand would make this situation more difficult to say the least.
At the end of the day though, everyone should have proper boundaries for themselves and their partner to the best that their situation demands.
Keep killing it @GBS.
GBS
Respected Member
Gentlemen, aka @Blondie and @Phineas 808 and indeed the good lady @Sammyjo - you all succinctly said way better what I think my point was. I would extend it further by saying that partners could genuinely benefit from reading this. It’s not about us, the problem, standing up for ourselves, it’s about a mature adult way forwards For both people.
Mrs GBS isn’t doing any of your no no rules @Blondie but she does have some of the control of the relationship. We teeter on the edge of parent/child. But I am sticking up for myself and I don’t sulk. I am occasionally sad though.
Meanwhile….the balls update….237 days no porn and 85 days hard core. I get worrying moments more regularly. Morning glory is generally very good but it has varied. I just don’t access fantasies to get myself an erection but I wonder if and when I come whether it will work properly. I said this yesterday I think. Dull, dull, dull. The answer is my brain is still changing. It won’t stop at 90 days. And 237 days without porn is impressive but it’s only the beginning of the life change.
Balls we’re ok yesterday - stared at wife’s tits (and I mean stared…it was obvious) and I wanted to do things that I would love to write down here but I won’t because of triggering….sorry…anyway my libido was up and I will admit to cupping the plums when I went for a pee and I reckon they weigh about a kilo. When that cum is expelled we’re going to need an industrial clean up operation.
I debate internally whether I will let the pressure release on 90 days or whether I continue. Part of me is worried that you lot will be disappointed if I crack. It’s ok, I know you’re not going to be disappointed at all and if anyone was they wouldn’t say a word. I am just telling you that there is power in this brotherhood (and sisterhood). It’s a good thing that I feel that pressure- pun definitely intended.
Mrs GBS isn’t doing any of your no no rules @Blondie but she does have some of the control of the relationship. We teeter on the edge of parent/child. But I am sticking up for myself and I don’t sulk. I am occasionally sad though.
Meanwhile….the balls update….237 days no porn and 85 days hard core. I get worrying moments more regularly. Morning glory is generally very good but it has varied. I just don’t access fantasies to get myself an erection but I wonder if and when I come whether it will work properly. I said this yesterday I think. Dull, dull, dull. The answer is my brain is still changing. It won’t stop at 90 days. And 237 days without porn is impressive but it’s only the beginning of the life change.
Balls we’re ok yesterday - stared at wife’s tits (and I mean stared…it was obvious) and I wanted to do things that I would love to write down here but I won’t because of triggering….sorry…anyway my libido was up and I will admit to cupping the plums when I went for a pee and I reckon they weigh about a kilo. When that cum is expelled we’re going to need an industrial clean up operation.
I debate internally whether I will let the pressure release on 90 days or whether I continue. Part of me is worried that you lot will be disappointed if I crack. It’s ok, I know you’re not going to be disappointed at all and if anyone was they wouldn’t say a word. I am just telling you that there is power in this brotherhood (and sisterhood). It’s a good thing that I feel that pressure- pun definitely intended.
GBS
Respected Member
238 no PMO
86 Hard Mode
Fantasies nearly completely absent. I miss them less than I used to. They were the source of getting myself into a sexualised feeling which was obviously my addiction so it’s good that I don’t miss them so much. I should be experienced enough to not be concerned about anything my brain is doing to me, but honestly I do get moments when I wonder if I have broken myself. I know I haven’t but this is foreign territory and so the novelty is good and bad actually.
Libido not high yesterday. Brain sometimes says “don’t stare at her tits (my wife’s), it will just bring on some pain” and then it says “stare at them and see if you can get yourself horny again or you may have lost your sex life completely”. Thanks brain!
86 Hard Mode
Fantasies nearly completely absent. I miss them less than I used to. They were the source of getting myself into a sexualised feeling which was obviously my addiction so it’s good that I don’t miss them so much. I should be experienced enough to not be concerned about anything my brain is doing to me, but honestly I do get moments when I wonder if I have broken myself. I know I haven’t but this is foreign territory and so the novelty is good and bad actually.
Libido not high yesterday. Brain sometimes says “don’t stare at her tits (my wife’s), it will just bring on some pain” and then it says “stare at them and see if you can get yourself horny again or you may have lost your sex life completely”. Thanks brain!