Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
- Start date
In fact more than alright!GrateClips
Active Member
so replying to this since i've been away a while. i agree. w/ you wholeheartedly your 2nd paragraph. The addict has little idea and regard for the damage that they can cause, even the secret life type of addict that you and i are. i think for that reason the spouse is completely blindsided when the secret life is revealed. as opposed to say the long standing addict who is not that hard to detect has a say alcohol or gambling habit.
something i didn't do, but my therapist says is an option is a so-called formal disclosure. its done with the therapist's guidance .
also are you guys in counseling?
GrateClips
Active Member
let me add further. given your side of things 238 + days etc you have clearly made a commitment to change. following is my opinion. you do not deserve sex from her -- let me clarify sex is not something anyone ever deserves, its a mutual act. but i would argue you deserve , or would benefit from, her giving you something on her end as far as communication. MOre than just "keep it up". how to get this from her though is tricky. Hence why I asked are you in counseling? either individual or couples.
as a fellow married man in hardcore mode but abstinent from sex in the relationship, i can tell you that one of my primary goals is to demonstrate to myself and my wife that sex is an important part of the relationship but not the only thing i view her for. so i can certainly sympathize with you - you and i want sex, but our wives are vulnerable and guarded and thus not ready to give that part of themselves yet.
where you and i differ though is i think my wife is a bit more communicative about where she and i stand with each other. Not as much as I'd like (see my journal ) but a lot more than yours.
Obviously women and people are all different in general. I have no idea who your wife is and what she is like personality wise.
but i do think as a married couple communication is super important. However for something like this there is avery delicate way to handle this. i for one would not one to be the one to tell you how to broach this subject. perhaps a female who reads your journal or a counselor would be better equipped.
communicate your need in the wrong way and come off insensitive, can cause a setback i would think.
anyways i want to be careful in not offering you direct advice, but rather my viewpoint on your situation. hope that wasn't confusing for you.
as a fellow married man in hardcore mode but abstinent from sex in the relationship, i can tell you that one of my primary goals is to demonstrate to myself and my wife that sex is an important part of the relationship but not the only thing i view her for. so i can certainly sympathize with you - you and i want sex, but our wives are vulnerable and guarded and thus not ready to give that part of themselves yet.
where you and i differ though is i think my wife is a bit more communicative about where she and i stand with each other. Not as much as I'd like (see my journal ) but a lot more than yours.
Obviously women and people are all different in general. I have no idea who your wife is and what she is like personality wise.
but i do think as a married couple communication is super important. However for something like this there is avery delicate way to handle this. i for one would not one to be the one to tell you how to broach this subject. perhaps a female who reads your journal or a counselor would be better equipped.
communicate your need in the wrong way and come off insensitive, can cause a setback i would think.
anyways i want to be careful in not offering you direct advice, but rather my viewpoint on your situation. hope that wasn't confusing for you.
GBS
Respected Member
Hi @GrateClips
we are both in therapy. Hers is every three weeks, mine is every week. Part of me thinks it she the other way round. You are right I don’t deserve sex. That’s a given. I do deserve something more than “keep going”. I don’t know how to get that. Her mantra is that she’s doing this slowly. I can’t make her go faster. I think she gets validation from her therapy and the right to dictate the pace. I think her therapist should lean on her a bit more, but I just can’t say that. It’s a frustrating stand off. We do have chats but every one is initiated by me. She is a stone wall some of the time. It is not easy. In fact sometimes it is almost too hard to bear.
But I do bear. I have to. I talk to my therapist about this very dynamic and I get a reality check. This is a slow process and some people need way more time than the 8 months we have been in therapy. I get it. I really do. But it is incredibly testing. Complain and I often get short shrift.
We persevere.
239 no pmo
87 no mo
we are both in therapy. Hers is every three weeks, mine is every week. Part of me thinks it she the other way round. You are right I don’t deserve sex. That’s a given. I do deserve something more than “keep going”. I don’t know how to get that. Her mantra is that she’s doing this slowly. I can’t make her go faster. I think she gets validation from her therapy and the right to dictate the pace. I think her therapist should lean on her a bit more, but I just can’t say that. It’s a frustrating stand off. We do have chats but every one is initiated by me. She is a stone wall some of the time. It is not easy. In fact sometimes it is almost too hard to bear.
But I do bear. I have to. I talk to my therapist about this very dynamic and I get a reality check. This is a slow process and some people need way more time than the 8 months we have been in therapy. I get it. I really do. But it is incredibly testing. Complain and I often get short shrift.
We persevere.
239 no pmo
87 no mo
GrateClips
Active Member
yes in situations of couples trying to reconcile both have their own recovery track. Your wife has hers, my wife has hers. Addicts by nature look for the quick fix. So when we think we are a little better we want everything back to normal - happy wife, great sex, everything is back to normal.
you are right you cannot and should not say her therapist needs to lean on her or pressure her in any way. Will have unintended probably bad consequences.
The stone wall you describe i can see. My wife doesn't quite go that far but she is very guarded - in her case she is trying to protect herself and also to move past the pain of hearing that her husband routinely found sexual relief from women other than herself even if it was not any real physical affair. My previous therapist asked if roles were reversed and i basically found she was doing what I was doing how would I feel? so with that concept in mind i readily accepted that i can only accept that she will recover on her own time, probably slowly
but yeah maybe some sort of check in periodically to discuss where things are at. almost seems like it should be done with the therapist in there... i think i get the sense you are seeing separate therapists.
tricky situation. the hardest thing to hear but just keep working on yourself. its all you can control ultimately.
you are right you cannot and should not say her therapist needs to lean on her or pressure her in any way. Will have unintended probably bad consequences.
The stone wall you describe i can see. My wife doesn't quite go that far but she is very guarded - in her case she is trying to protect herself and also to move past the pain of hearing that her husband routinely found sexual relief from women other than herself even if it was not any real physical affair. My previous therapist asked if roles were reversed and i basically found she was doing what I was doing how would I feel? so with that concept in mind i readily accepted that i can only accept that she will recover on her own time, probably slowly
but yeah maybe some sort of check in periodically to discuss where things are at. almost seems like it should be done with the therapist in there... i think i get the sense you are seeing separate therapists.
tricky situation. the hardest thing to hear but just keep working on yourself. its all you can control ultimately.
Jlied
Active Member
I have to agree with @GrateClips here, just like we each have our own time table of recovery they will as will. We want out of the dog house as fast as possible but we can’t rush them either. Communication is very important through this process. You have to be able to express your feelings and she has to be able to express hers and both parties need to be able to listen and be slow to react. For my wife and I that played a major role in our ability to mend and move forward.
I appreciate that you three above are patient with your wives. We wives, for the most part, have experienced a real shift in our marriage dynamic while the addiction was going on. Right before I discovered his use, I was approaching 60 and I thought is this what happens with age, we become roommates? I knew there wasn’t an affair, no time. But we weren’t doing things together and sex occurred only when I asked. So once we started working on what to and where to go in our marriage, my brain and emotions would go all over the place. I would make one day goals for myself. I won’t cry today. I won’t talk to him about it today. I will feel safe today. And a lot of times, it worked and a lot of times not. And he would get irritated and say can’t we just move past it? And I could not. With time, I was able to see that I could be with him and not think every woman he saw out or on tv was someone he wanted to see naked. With time he stopped looking at women’s butts, and it was all women. With time he stopped looking at women with long hair. (I have very short hair). With time he actually looked at me when we were out and talking. But again it was all one day at a time. So hats off to you! You are doing this the right way!
Jlied
Active Member
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @GrateClips @Gracie and @Jlied - progress pace is really tricky. And when it’s slow and you hit a bump in the road it can seem like you’ve gone back months in the progress cycle. So there are all sorts of problems that exacerbate other problems. But being a responsible adult is the most important thing and a responsible supportive husband. I adore my wife, even the annoying bits. The bits that she possibly thinks I don;t like about her are the things that make her who she is so I love them too. Yes, I have told her all this.
I respect how long this takes. It could literally be years, but I shall endure.
240 no porn
88 hard monk mode
I respect how long this takes. It could literally be years, but I shall endure.
240 no porn
88 hard monk mode
GBS
Respected Member
241 days no porn
89 days monk mode
Went on a day trip today with son looking at university. Such an excellent distraction from the near agony of monk mode. If my abstinence sounds like I have this all sorted, you’re wrong. It’s difficult. It was easier from about 45 to 80 days (relatively) but now I just can’t really go to the toilet without noticing a certain swollen quality of both balls and penis. But I need to get to 90. Not quite sure why….it’s just a number….but I will.
I am 99% certain what I am doing on the 91st day
89 days monk mode
Went on a day trip today with son looking at university. Such an excellent distraction from the near agony of monk mode. If my abstinence sounds like I have this all sorted, you’re wrong. It’s difficult. It was easier from about 45 to 80 days (relatively) but now I just can’t really go to the toilet without noticing a certain swollen quality of both balls and penis. But I need to get to 90. Not quite sure why….it’s just a number….but I will.
I am 99% certain what I am doing on the 91st day
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Hey @GBS, we haven’t spoken for a while, but I’ve still been following your journey.
I’m curious to know what your Wife’s thoughts are on you being in hardmode for 90 days? What’s her view on MO in general?
I’ve been doing a type of hardmode myself for the last few weeks, well the woman version, and man I take my hat off to you, dudes it’s really bloody hard!!!!!
I’m curious to know what your Wife’s thoughts are on you being in hardmode for 90 days? What’s her view on MO in general?
I’ve been doing a type of hardmode myself for the last few weeks, well the woman version, and man I take my hat off to you, dudes it’s really bloody hard!!!!!
GBS
Respected Member
Hi @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie
@Beautiful1973 - short version (no it isn’t!) first 4 months I was giving my wife a lot of feedback on my recovery. Mine was fast, extremely rewarding. Hers was (and is) slow. She said after 4 months that I was being a little needy and she needed to focus on her recovery. I had told her I was hardly masturbating at all and when I was it was to thoughts of her (true….certainly from about 2 months). She said she liked that, but she wasn’t exactly effusive. Since then (early July) I MO’d once in early August, and then decided to go monk mode without saying a word. So she doesn’t know. I don’t think she wanted to know and out of respect I didn’t mention it. She has no idea.
Congrats on your own abstinence. I would say I don’t understand what the female version is like, presuming as I do that women don’t masturbate with the same frequency as men, and you don’t have balls filling up Issues. Excuse the crudeness or even my ignorance. I have no idea if my wife has been masturbating all this time. If I say I hope she has I will trigger myself! Keep going, girl. Nice to talk again. F eel free to elaborate on yours but beware triggering…..not sure what emoji works…..let’s see……
@Blondie - just for complete clarity, my likeness to monk is like my likeness to a lamp post. I am no lamp post for sure. I have found this to be one of the biggest mind fucks of my life. It will be interesting to see if thicker and longer penis syndrome (from henceforth TLPS) prevails after I give in, which I will in 24 hours. It’s currently baby’s arm sized. I would say impressive but as no one will be able to testify on my behalf, you have to take my word for it. We shall see what happens. I will , of course, report back.
@Beautiful1973 - short version (no it isn’t!) first 4 months I was giving my wife a lot of feedback on my recovery. Mine was fast, extremely rewarding. Hers was (and is) slow. She said after 4 months that I was being a little needy and she needed to focus on her recovery. I had told her I was hardly masturbating at all and when I was it was to thoughts of her (true….certainly from about 2 months). She said she liked that, but she wasn’t exactly effusive. Since then (early July) I MO’d once in early August, and then decided to go monk mode without saying a word. So she doesn’t know. I don’t think she wanted to know and out of respect I didn’t mention it. She has no idea.
Congrats on your own abstinence. I would say I don’t understand what the female version is like, presuming as I do that women don’t masturbate with the same frequency as men, and you don’t have balls filling up Issues. Excuse the crudeness or even my ignorance. I have no idea if my wife has been masturbating all this time. If I say I hope she has I will trigger myself! Keep going, girl. Nice to talk again. F eel free to elaborate on yours but beware triggering…..not sure what emoji works…..let’s see……
@Blondie - just for complete clarity, my likeness to monk is like my likeness to a lamp post. I am no lamp post for sure. I have found this to be one of the biggest mind fucks of my life. It will be interesting to see if thicker and longer penis syndrome (from henceforth TLPS) prevails after I give in, which I will in 24 hours. It’s currently baby’s arm sized. I would say impressive but as no one will be able to testify on my behalf, you have to take my word for it. We shall see what happens. I will , of course, report back.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
GBS
Respected Member
242 days no porn
90 days hard core
Thanks @Nico @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie and indeed all my other pals on here.
The 90 day thing: proud…yes. Will I continue the streak (read below)? What did I learn? Well it’s just a number so I learned a lot before I got here. I can clearly be belligerent and I have will power. My brain was already doing well with my 200+ no porn days. Since mid Feb I have probably masturbated 6/7/8 times tops. So the education hasn’t all been in the last couple of months. I feel liberation and also intense frustration and power. Lots of feelings ranging from serenity to bite your arm off pain. My dick is bigger. That’s through not masturbating much at all rather than complete abstinence.
Today has ended unsatisfactorily with a slight row with Mrs GBS. Last few days have been amazing then I drop the smallest of balls and it’s like nothing I did right counts. I don’t mind as much as I used to (a few months ago) so my blood pressure isn’t raised too much. More a feeling of sadness. Sometimes I rate the chances of pulling through at 95% and sometimes it’s lowered to 50% or so. I am lower right n… Tomorrow may be better- it goes up and down.
Upon reaching 90 days….today would be my 91st…..I released. Very nice thanks, but not quite the flood, or Vesuvius erupting…..got there too quickly. Erection was only 80% for some reason and still I (obviously) came very swiftly. Calm feeling afterwards, no guilt,no disappointment, just relaxed.
TLPS still with me. Much relief about that.
That was a busy weekend. So many reasons.
90 days hard core
Thanks @Nico @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie and indeed all my other pals on here.
The 90 day thing: proud…yes. Will I continue the streak (read below)? What did I learn? Well it’s just a number so I learned a lot before I got here. I can clearly be belligerent and I have will power. My brain was already doing well with my 200+ no porn days. Since mid Feb I have probably masturbated 6/7/8 times tops. So the education hasn’t all been in the last couple of months. I feel liberation and also intense frustration and power. Lots of feelings ranging from serenity to bite your arm off pain. My dick is bigger. That’s through not masturbating much at all rather than complete abstinence.
Today has ended unsatisfactorily with a slight row with Mrs GBS. Last few days have been amazing then I drop the smallest of balls and it’s like nothing I did right counts. I don’t mind as much as I used to (a few months ago) so my blood pressure isn’t raised too much. More a feeling of sadness. Sometimes I rate the chances of pulling through at 95% and sometimes it’s lowered to 50% or so. I am lower right n… Tomorrow may be better- it goes up and down.
Upon reaching 90 days….today would be my 91st…..I released. Very nice thanks, but not quite the flood, or Vesuvius erupting…..got there too quickly. Erection was only 80% for some reason and still I (obviously) came very swiftly. Calm feeling afterwards, no guilt,no disappointment, just relaxed.
TLPS still with me. Much relief about that.
That was a busy weekend. So many reasons.
GBS
Respected Member
243 days no porn
Obviously broke my monk mode streak, and whilst I am starting again, I won’t count. Attitude to masturbation is very confusing right now. I think that saying, as I did, that I want to be able to have a life without it is all very well but I do need a woman involved. Obviously I have one, just you know what….. So I am going to try a sort of abstinent life but not going to the pressure point. Thing is I am not defining what pressure is so I have no idea what the end result will be.
Wife is really confusing me right now. I simply have no idea where she’s at. I have asked and the answer is getting better but real slow. Now leave me alone please. Therapist will get the same earache this week. What do I do please Dr Therapist? Be patient. Yes, really.
@harpoon had a picture on his journal showing a porn addled brain and a heroin addled brain. It’s from a site called https://conquerseries.com/trying-harder-doesnt-work
Have a read…..I liked this bit “Watching porn is not about sex as much as it is about how you’ve learned to medicate the pain in your life. Most men trapped in this bondage have been doing it since they were children. They’ve been medicating the pain on the inside for a long time and it happens so automatically they don’t even think about it.”. It is similar to a lot of the other brain and porn essays, but it’s highly readable.
Meanwhile I will have to satisfy myself with the thoughts of my wife naked. That’s all I have left in my brain for fantasy. It feels good and depressing in equal proportions. Why doesn’t she want me to play with her? Don’t answer that….the thought depresses me.
Obviously broke my monk mode streak, and whilst I am starting again, I won’t count. Attitude to masturbation is very confusing right now. I think that saying, as I did, that I want to be able to have a life without it is all very well but I do need a woman involved. Obviously I have one, just you know what….. So I am going to try a sort of abstinent life but not going to the pressure point. Thing is I am not defining what pressure is so I have no idea what the end result will be.
Wife is really confusing me right now. I simply have no idea where she’s at. I have asked and the answer is getting better but real slow. Now leave me alone please. Therapist will get the same earache this week. What do I do please Dr Therapist? Be patient. Yes, really.
@harpoon had a picture on his journal showing a porn addled brain and a heroin addled brain. It’s from a site called https://conquerseries.com/trying-harder-doesnt-work
Have a read…..I liked this bit “Watching porn is not about sex as much as it is about how you’ve learned to medicate the pain in your life. Most men trapped in this bondage have been doing it since they were children. They’ve been medicating the pain on the inside for a long time and it happens so automatically they don’t even think about it.”. It is similar to a lot of the other brain and porn essays, but it’s highly readable.
Meanwhile I will have to satisfy myself with the thoughts of my wife naked. That’s all I have left in my brain for fantasy. It feels good and depressing in equal proportions. Why doesn’t she want me to play with her? Don’t answer that….the thought depresses me.
GrateClips
Active Member
on the bright side - you haven't watched porn coming in on a year. you are markedly more self aware now than you were before all this. you have better self control, much better for that matter.
i don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but you should probably do an inventory of where you relationship was like before you were caught with porn. Because just like porn is trying to address the greater pain inside, your relationship (and mine too) is more than just what it was before i disclosed to my wife about porn.
are there other things between the two of you your wife wished were better even before she found out about your PMO?
i don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but you should probably do an inventory of where you relationship was like before you were caught with porn. Because just like porn is trying to address the greater pain inside, your relationship (and mine too) is more than just what it was before i disclosed to my wife about porn.
are there other things between the two of you your wife wished were better even before she found out about your PMO?