Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
266 days sober

Sorry I couldn’t jump back on yesterday guys.

@Sammyjo - you asked about the pain we addicts have and do we have a right to sympathy. I guess this is my point. If you partners want us to suffer whilst you get better (if you can of course) then this exercise turns nasty. We addicts are on here trying to get better. We don’t need you to stroke our egos but at the same time shooting us down is just like the world’s easiest target. I am most certainly not accusing you of this. The pain we suffer is an interesting question because firstly my pain may not mirror your husband’s and secondly the pain comes in all sorts and it changes.

My pain is: fear that my relationship is over; shame at what I did; shame at what caused it; some withdrawal pain; frustration pain. Then there’s all the pain that comes from the hurt I have done. I don’t know how much if that resonates with your husband. If he doesn’t have a therapist then he may not have explored the darkest depths to see what made him watch porn. He needs to do that. Stopping watching was relatively easy for me but still involved a battle with my brain. It’s not pain per se, more anxiety and (as it were) that feeling you get when you stand on the top of a high building. It;s vertigo coupled with that totally irrational fear that you might just jump!

I so want you to work it out with Mr Sammyjo but I sense he needs to understand that porn is a no forever. He can;t dabble, it’s not possible for his brain to heal, and it’s obviously just totally disrespectful (understatement). You should tell him you’re leaving if he does it again.

@Jlied - thanks for the outpouring. Most of us addicts have pretty sad stories to tell. Some will be remarkably similar to yours. Here’s the horrific irony. You need to sort out your life (and you are) but you will probably sort it out quicker if your wife helps you. And BOOM…..she’s thinking fuck you….what, you want sympathy and a friendly face to share woes with. The best person to get you through this is the very person you/we shat on.

@Sammyjo - there is an answer sadly. It’s not fair or right, but there is an answer. You need to forgive us. If that smacks of get out of jail free, or we didn’t pay the price, then probably we need to go our separate ways. To forgive us you can’t possibly fully understand why we did it, because it looks from your perspective like we just knowingly said fuck you - it’s a drug and we chose the drug. Those are the facts. I so wish they weren’t. When my wife says she has scars that she’s pretty sure will never go away, I live with that pain because I caused it. And yes I fully understand there’s a difference between my shame pain and the pain that brought her scars.

Toodle pip all

The mighty Geebs
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
267 days

Those of you in the USA are celebrating Thanksgiving. We non-yanks are envious of this wonderful tradition (I have experienced one full on Thanksgiving many years ago) and we wish all the best.

Let us, the RN devotees, give thanks for the company we keep on here, and the collective desire to mend our lives that we do with each other’s help.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
268 days consecutively not looking at pornography.

Thick end of four weeks no masturbation. Last three times I masturbated are: mid June, very early August, right at the beginning of November. So thrice in sort of nearly 6 months. It is eye opening as an exercise. Libido levels, given that I have no sexual contact whatsoever, still fluctuate but not too wildly. Remember I am 60 so some of my physical repercussions are doubtless age related. But there’s life in the old dog yet.

Been a weird week. Mrs GBS said there has been a nagging issue that’s been on her mind. I am sorry to say that confidentiality prohibits my telling you what this is/was suffice it to say I was astounded and a bit hurt. I am thrilled she said it, but I felt about as unsexy and undesired as I have (nearly) ever felt. For 24 hours I felt lone. Probably the worst I have felt for several months. Not total despair, but gloom certainly. I snapped out of it earlier today. I am glad she said it Though. She wouldn’t have said it if she wasn’t trying to mend things so better out than in. Told you I was glass half full!

At my lowest moments though I do cling on to what I have done here. 9 months of no porn and a changed attitude to masturbation. It is a new life really. The old me can fuck right off. The new me is worthy and decent, and if it isn’t enough to rescue my marriage then that will be a great shame.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
269 days sober

Thanks @Blondie - the friends I have made on here are so important. Clearly you are one of them. I don;t know if @Gabe Deem ”knew” when he started this that this subject matter would inevitably form very close friendship. It’s unique. At my SAA meeting this last week, one of the guys said that he goes to three meetings a week and one of them is really quite unfriendly. I expressed great surprise. Yes he said, no one offers you a cuppa and it;s always frosty.

Surely the nature of all this, being such a sensitive subject, makes you naturally drawn to your fellows as they’re metaphorically undressing like you are. Anyway, we are blessed on here. I know not everyone loves everyone, but there is something collective as well as just those who seem to hit it off. I had no idea when I started on here that this would play such a part in my recovery.

So to all you, my friends, I owe you such a debt of thanks that I simply cannot repay. The way I shall try to repay it is by not falling off the wagon and staying true to myself. No masturbation, no porn, do good.

GBS penis watch: just to keep you in the loop, readers. Impressive. Not continuing to grow but pretty good and with the almost complete lack of masturbation it remains in its resting state about 50% swollen. I am sad enough to say it makes me proud.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
At my SAA meeting this last week, one of the guys said that he goes to three meetings a week and one of them is really quite unfriendly. I expressed great surprise. Yes he said, no one offers you a cuppa and it;s always frosty.
Gosh that’s pretty sad aye, you’d think it would be a brother in arms philosophy!

Today I am questioning my own motives about being on here, the friendships I’ve formed, supporting you guys on your journeys and whether I’m not showing my man (ex) the same level of empathy???
He has a profile on here, but doesn’t want to journal, but I know he reads stuff because he let something slip one day, that I had put on here and hadn’t mentioned to him…..
 
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