GBS
Respected Member
266 days sober
Sorry I couldn’t jump back on yesterday guys.
@Sammyjo - you asked about the pain we addicts have and do we have a right to sympathy. I guess this is my point. If you partners want us to suffer whilst you get better (if you can of course) then this exercise turns nasty. We addicts are on here trying to get better. We don’t need you to stroke our egos but at the same time shooting us down is just like the world’s easiest target. I am most certainly not accusing you of this. The pain we suffer is an interesting question because firstly my pain may not mirror your husband’s and secondly the pain comes in all sorts and it changes.
My pain is: fear that my relationship is over; shame at what I did; shame at what caused it; some withdrawal pain; frustration pain. Then there’s all the pain that comes from the hurt I have done. I don’t know how much if that resonates with your husband. If he doesn’t have a therapist then he may not have explored the darkest depths to see what made him watch porn. He needs to do that. Stopping watching was relatively easy for me but still involved a battle with my brain. It’s not pain per se, more anxiety and (as it were) that feeling you get when you stand on the top of a high building. It;s vertigo coupled with that totally irrational fear that you might just jump!
I so want you to work it out with Mr Sammyjo but I sense he needs to understand that porn is a no forever. He can;t dabble, it’s not possible for his brain to heal, and it’s obviously just totally disrespectful (understatement). You should tell him you’re leaving if he does it again.
@Jlied - thanks for the outpouring. Most of us addicts have pretty sad stories to tell. Some will be remarkably similar to yours. Here’s the horrific irony. You need to sort out your life (and you are) but you will probably sort it out quicker if your wife helps you. And BOOM…..she’s thinking fuck you….what, you want sympathy and a friendly face to share woes with. The best person to get you through this is the very person you/we shat on.
@Sammyjo - there is an answer sadly. It’s not fair or right, but there is an answer. You need to forgive us. If that smacks of get out of jail free, or we didn’t pay the price, then probably we need to go our separate ways. To forgive us you can’t possibly fully understand why we did it, because it looks from your perspective like we just knowingly said fuck you - it’s a drug and we chose the drug. Those are the facts. I so wish they weren’t. When my wife says she has scars that she’s pretty sure will never go away, I live with that pain because I caused it. And yes I fully understand there’s a difference between my shame pain and the pain that brought her scars.
Toodle pip all
The mighty Geebs
Sorry I couldn’t jump back on yesterday guys.
@Sammyjo - you asked about the pain we addicts have and do we have a right to sympathy. I guess this is my point. If you partners want us to suffer whilst you get better (if you can of course) then this exercise turns nasty. We addicts are on here trying to get better. We don’t need you to stroke our egos but at the same time shooting us down is just like the world’s easiest target. I am most certainly not accusing you of this. The pain we suffer is an interesting question because firstly my pain may not mirror your husband’s and secondly the pain comes in all sorts and it changes.
My pain is: fear that my relationship is over; shame at what I did; shame at what caused it; some withdrawal pain; frustration pain. Then there’s all the pain that comes from the hurt I have done. I don’t know how much if that resonates with your husband. If he doesn’t have a therapist then he may not have explored the darkest depths to see what made him watch porn. He needs to do that. Stopping watching was relatively easy for me but still involved a battle with my brain. It’s not pain per se, more anxiety and (as it were) that feeling you get when you stand on the top of a high building. It;s vertigo coupled with that totally irrational fear that you might just jump!
I so want you to work it out with Mr Sammyjo but I sense he needs to understand that porn is a no forever. He can;t dabble, it’s not possible for his brain to heal, and it’s obviously just totally disrespectful (understatement). You should tell him you’re leaving if he does it again.
@Jlied - thanks for the outpouring. Most of us addicts have pretty sad stories to tell. Some will be remarkably similar to yours. Here’s the horrific irony. You need to sort out your life (and you are) but you will probably sort it out quicker if your wife helps you. And BOOM…..she’s thinking fuck you….what, you want sympathy and a friendly face to share woes with. The best person to get you through this is the very person you/we shat on.
@Sammyjo - there is an answer sadly. It’s not fair or right, but there is an answer. You need to forgive us. If that smacks of get out of jail free, or we didn’t pay the price, then probably we need to go our separate ways. To forgive us you can’t possibly fully understand why we did it, because it looks from your perspective like we just knowingly said fuck you - it’s a drug and we chose the drug. Those are the facts. I so wish they weren’t. When my wife says she has scars that she’s pretty sure will never go away, I live with that pain because I caused it. And yes I fully understand there’s a difference between my shame pain and the pain that brought her scars.
Toodle pip all
The mighty Geebs
