Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
266 days sober

Sorry I couldn’t jump back on yesterday guys.

@Sammyjo - you asked about the pain we addicts have and do we have a right to sympathy. I guess this is my point. If you partners want us to suffer whilst you get better (if you can of course) then this exercise turns nasty. We addicts are on here trying to get better. We don’t need you to stroke our egos but at the same time shooting us down is just like the world’s easiest target. I am most certainly not accusing you of this. The pain we suffer is an interesting question because firstly my pain may not mirror your husband’s and secondly the pain comes in all sorts and it changes.

My pain is: fear that my relationship is over; shame at what I did; shame at what caused it; some withdrawal pain; frustration pain. Then there’s all the pain that comes from the hurt I have done. I don’t know how much if that resonates with your husband. If he doesn’t have a therapist then he may not have explored the darkest depths to see what made him watch porn. He needs to do that. Stopping watching was relatively easy for me but still involved a battle with my brain. It’s not pain per se, more anxiety and (as it were) that feeling you get when you stand on the top of a high building. It;s vertigo coupled with that totally irrational fear that you might just jump!

I so want you to work it out with Mr Sammyjo but I sense he needs to understand that porn is a no forever. He can;t dabble, it’s not possible for his brain to heal, and it’s obviously just totally disrespectful (understatement). You should tell him you’re leaving if he does it again.

@Jlied - thanks for the outpouring. Most of us addicts have pretty sad stories to tell. Some will be remarkably similar to yours. Here’s the horrific irony. You need to sort out your life (and you are) but you will probably sort it out quicker if your wife helps you. And BOOM…..she’s thinking fuck you….what, you want sympathy and a friendly face to share woes with. The best person to get you through this is the very person you/we shat on.

@Sammyjo - there is an answer sadly. It’s not fair or right, but there is an answer. You need to forgive us. If that smacks of get out of jail free, or we didn’t pay the price, then probably we need to go our separate ways. To forgive us you can’t possibly fully understand why we did it, because it looks from your perspective like we just knowingly said fuck you - it’s a drug and we chose the drug. Those are the facts. I so wish they weren’t. When my wife says she has scars that she’s pretty sure will never go away, I live with that pain because I caused it. And yes I fully understand there’s a difference between my shame pain and the pain that brought her scars.

Toodle pip all

The mighty Geebs
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
267 days

Those of you in the USA are celebrating Thanksgiving. We non-yanks are envious of this wonderful tradition (I have experienced one full on Thanksgiving many years ago) and we wish all the best.

Let us, the RN devotees, give thanks for the company we keep on here, and the collective desire to mend our lives that we do with each other’s help.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Happy thanksgiving to you all, Geebs, I’ll gorge myself to the brink of being sick in your honor!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
268 days consecutively not looking at pornography.

Thick end of four weeks no masturbation. Last three times I masturbated are: mid June, very early August, right at the beginning of November. So thrice in sort of nearly 6 months. It is eye opening as an exercise. Libido levels, given that I have no sexual contact whatsoever, still fluctuate but not too wildly. Remember I am 60 so some of my physical repercussions are doubtless age related. But there’s life in the old dog yet.

Been a weird week. Mrs GBS said there has been a nagging issue that’s been on her mind. I am sorry to say that confidentiality prohibits my telling you what this is/was suffice it to say I was astounded and a bit hurt. I am thrilled she said it, but I felt about as unsexy and undesired as I have (nearly) ever felt. For 24 hours I felt lone. Probably the worst I have felt for several months. Not total despair, but gloom certainly. I snapped out of it earlier today. I am glad she said it Though. She wouldn’t have said it if she wasn’t trying to mend things so better out than in. Told you I was glass half full!

At my lowest moments though I do cling on to what I have done here. 9 months of no porn and a changed attitude to masturbation. It is a new life really. The old me can fuck right off. The new me is worthy and decent, and if it isn’t enough to rescue my marriage then that will be a great shame.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
269 days sober

Thanks @Blondie - the friends I have made on here are so important. Clearly you are one of them. I don;t know if @Gabe Deem ”knew” when he started this that this subject matter would inevitably form very close friendship. It’s unique. At my SAA meeting this last week, one of the guys said that he goes to three meetings a week and one of them is really quite unfriendly. I expressed great surprise. Yes he said, no one offers you a cuppa and it;s always frosty.

Surely the nature of all this, being such a sensitive subject, makes you naturally drawn to your fellows as they’re metaphorically undressing like you are. Anyway, we are blessed on here. I know not everyone loves everyone, but there is something collective as well as just those who seem to hit it off. I had no idea when I started on here that this would play such a part in my recovery.

So to all you, my friends, I owe you such a debt of thanks that I simply cannot repay. The way I shall try to repay it is by not falling off the wagon and staying true to myself. No masturbation, no porn, do good.

GBS penis watch: just to keep you in the loop, readers. Impressive. Not continuing to grow but pretty good and with the almost complete lack of masturbation it remains in its resting state about 50% swollen. I am sad enough to say it makes me proud.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
At my SAA meeting this last week, one of the guys said that he goes to three meetings a week and one of them is really quite unfriendly. I expressed great surprise. Yes he said, no one offers you a cuppa and it;s always frosty.
Gosh that’s pretty sad aye, you’d think it would be a brother in arms philosophy!

Today I am questioning my own motives about being on here, the friendships I’ve formed, supporting you guys on your journeys and whether I’m not showing my man (ex) the same level of empathy???
He has a profile on here, but doesn’t want to journal, but I know he reads stuff because he let something slip one day, that I had put on here and hadn’t mentioned to him…..
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hey @Beautiful1973 - your decision to stay on here is yours and yours alone. Your comment begs the question what your motives are for being on here but I think it’s unfair to ask you. Anyway it’s rhetorical. If you’re here for your own good then that’s enough. If I recall your man needs to show you he’s fixing his problem. It won;t be as simple as this, but what’s he done/doing to show you that? We addicts must find the cause or causes. Then we need to practice our good behaviour over a long stretch of time. Easy, huh? No mam, not easy at all. You can empathise when you know he’s putting in the hard yards. He will need you like mad then.

Remember what Gabe said to you. You add perspective and you’re a breath of fresh air. Stay. Why would you not?
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
270 days sober.
and very roughly four weeks since I last masturbated. Still tricky but I feel like a king so it’s always got a motive.

I am not tempting fate but am hoping the intimacy level will go up soon. You may recall I mentioned Sensate Focussed programme. That is probably what lies in store. To say that’s exciting is the biggest understatement in the history of time. Conundrum: when that happens and I’m, say, 5 or 6 weeks hard mode, am I not going to explode? We shall see. Other people on hard mode have explained to me that they do get some relief from “wet dreams” but I am pretty certain I have never had one of these in my life…..not sure if that means I’m a circus freak…..just a fact. But if that release valve doesn’t exist for me I have an endurance challenge of truly epic proportions around the corner.

And I’m looking forward to it. Go figure (love that phrase)….except of course it’s not hard to figure out at all. I shall keep you apprised, fear ye not.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
271 days sober.

For as yet inexplicable reasons I was in a bad mood yesterday afternoon. Someone wound me up good and proper and I reacted. I should know better. I came home and told my wife I was definitely having a drink. She was very sweet and suggested I might wait half an hour. I did. I calmed down. I didn’t plough through a bottle. I talked to her and drank grapefruit juice (love that stuff!).

So a good parable in the end but I was clearly very twitchy. Obvious explanation is that I’m building up to the difficult 10 days or so when I haven’t masturbated. I think I have done 27 or 28 days without MO. I am entitled to some iffy behaviour given my recent wanking history I think but I don’t recall being this on edge before. I am also slightly suppressing libido because I find the frustration factor very difficult to handle when I’m horny. Not sure if that’s healthy. It’s certainly necessary.

Dreams - I have a few sex ones. I don’t seem to have them with more frequency the more full my balls are which would seem counter intuitive. But honestly I am one of thos people who can’t remember dreams. I will tell you this though….morning glory is now every single day without fail and we’re talking a log here! Little things please little minds…..thing is it isn’t little.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
morning glory is now every single day without fail and we’re talking a log here! Little things please little minds…..thing is it isn’t little.
You crack me up @GBS 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever you write this stuff, I always wonder if your wife notices this anatomical changes you mention and if not I think you should be prancing around your bedroom like a proud peacock😜😜😜
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Note to self: practice some form of helicopter manoeuvre in the next month or so.
 
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