Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

278 days

Wife has a therapy session today. This is interesting because the subject of intimacy will possibly be discussed. I only know this because she said that her therapist had mentioned it a month ago (because my wife told me), and she said she wasn’t ready. Not saying she is ready, but rather inevitably I am on tenterhooks. But I won’t be showing my desperation to know. I shall be as cool as the proverbial cucumber.

Let you know how things proceed. Down boy, down.

 

[GBS]

Well it seems my hopes are dashed. No mention at all. Some attack on previous non-porn related behaviours - my predisposition to be “beyond charming” and my minimising of that - I will NOT be defensive. I have downplayed it and it’s not ok. It’s just very hard to be smacked around a bit when you’re in recovery. But she’s in recovery too. She doesn’t trust me yet, that’s for sure. Do I expect her to be there after just 9 months? I think not. The issue is whether I can keep doing the same good things and get to a better point in my life. I cannot change what she’s thinking, but I can change what I am (or was) doing.

It’s really tough. I expect rewards of some kind. Maybe I should expect nothing. That’s very slightly where I have got to. It’s not a dark place but it isn’t showered in light. We persevere.

 

[Jlied]

Sorry to hear of the disappointing news my friend. It’s hard to do the right thing all the time, especially after not doing it for so long and not get recognition. It’s a funny thing, doing what’s right. It takes effort and it’s often times selfless and yet there is no recognition, then when you get that recognition it feels almost awkward because you were supposed to do it anyway…..maybe I’m thinking if it all wrong……but then again maybe not……I tend to overthink and over rationalize until things no longer make sense.

I so wish I was reading a post about your wife bursting into the room and ordering you to the bedroom, I know more than anything it would set your world in fire. But, when we fuck up we have to pay a toll for our crimes. It may seem unfair or unjust but perhaps focus on the good to come if this. What are some benefits you could see in the future from remaining abstinent and continuing on in recovery?

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Jlied - slightly needed to hear that. I think in the same way that I probably have no real idea what suffering she’s been through, she has no idea what discipline I have been through. Poor me, poor me.

It is tough though. She says she has to try and trust me but she just can’t do it. That’s difficult to hear. It wasn’t said as a warning that it’s over, just was said as if she wants to but can’t. She didn’t say “yet”, and she reaffirmed that she can’t make me any promises.

It’s a very difficult time to be honest. I am at a low ebb.

The number is 279.

In answer to your question @Jlied - future benefits of staying on course:

- honourable
- trust worthy
- connected lover
- no secrets
- perfect attitude to sex
- leader
- and of course….bigger cock

 

[Jlied]

Geebs, I envy your dedication and toughness to stay the course. I think a weaker man would hear words like that 279 days in and throw in the towel. It’s not easy to do what you are doing only to be told it doesn’t mean anything at the moment and possibly never will. Perhaps it will do you better to shift the mindset to your post porn self and goals. Make those things what you set your thoughts on. I’m not saying turn away from Mrs Geebs in any way, I’m just saying instead of waiting on her to finally come to yiu and tell you the things you want to hear proceed as if she already said this to you. It seems the things you listed above have almost all been attained and the ones you haven’t attained you are working towards. This is a perfect time to continue to mold yourself into the pillar of excellence you are already working towards.

 

[GBS]

282 days. Taken mini break from RN. Don’t worry, still here, still fighting for both myself and my marriage. And also for you, my RN brethren. The ’hood.

Wife is, I think, making progress but it’s very slow and it’s difficult to manage my own expectations but I do. It’s a bit of a downer when one expects there to be results in one’s marriage that are a direct consequence of my own personal growth. The equation isn’t that simple obviously. A little depressing but that gets me precisely nowhere. Less whingeing about my wife.

Reboot update: the only thought that occupies my mind is would I be this disciplined if my marriage wasn’t on the line. Obviously I don’t know with 100% certainty but I am in the high 90s percent wise. My mantra has been, why go back to who I was before? My naughty brain says - “up to you, pal. Can if you want. No one will know. Indulge in some dirt.“ Yeah, right……is that best you can do, brain?

My fantasy world was SO much a part of my life. More than my porn use. I definitely had/have an addiction. I can’t tell you where my fantasies got to because I will trigger some of you. Just yesterday I remembered one I used to have and it disgusted me. That has to be a very good sign. I am no prude, no angel, so having genuine negative thoughts about where I was is a brain change that I am truly proud of.

I think one of the issues for me and a reason I have had a couple of days off from here is…..that I read the partners section a lot. It depresses me but in a good way. Get your head inside the despair and make empathy a genuine part of my life. However there is a general view that the despair is a lot about “why did he do it?’ But it’s also about “why won’t he progress and sort out his shit?”. You know where I am going with this, so I won’t say it.

Life isn’t fair…..or maybe it is. Hmmmmm……

We persevere.

 

[Blondie]

You're doing great @GBS. You're my hero. Thanks for all your support, and do what you have to do.

 

[Jlied]

You're doing great @GBS. You're my hero. Thanks for all your support, and do what you have to do.

I second, third, fourth, and fifth this. A lesser man would have thrown in the towel but you dig in and kick into an extra gear when you face adversity. Your an absolute unit!

That’s you Geebs, and that’s your addiction……at least in my eyes.

 

[Ezel]

282 days. Taken mini break from RN. Don’t worry, still here, still fighting for both myself and my marriage. And also for you, my RN brethren. The ’hood.

Wife is, I think, making progress but it’s very slow and it’s difficult to manage my own expectations but I do. It’s a bit of a downer when one expects there to be results in one’s marriage that are a direct consequence of my own personal growth. The equation isn’t that simple obviously. A little depressing but that gets me precisely nowhere. Less whingeing about my wife.

Reboot update: the only thought that occupies my mind is would I be this disciplined if my marriage wasn’t on the line. Obviously I don’t know with 100% certainty but I am in the high 90s percent wise. My mantra has been, why go back to who I was before? My naughty brain says - “up to you, pal. Can if you want. No one will know. Indulge in some dirt.“ Yeah, right……is that best you can do, brain?

My fantasy world was SO much a part of my life. More than my porn use. I definitely had/have an addiction. I can’t tell you where my fantasies got to because I will trigger some of you. Just yesterday I remembered one I used to have and it disgusted me. That has to be a very good sign. I am no prude, no angel, so having genuine negative thoughts about where I was is a brain change that I am truly proud of.

I think one of the issues for me and a reason I have had a couple of days off from here is…..that I read the partners section a lot. It depresses me but in a good way. Get your head inside the despair and make empathy a genuine part of my life. However there is a general view that the despair is a lot about “why did he do it?’ But it’s also about “why won’t he progress and sort out his shit?”. You know where I am going with this, so I won’t say it.

Life isn’t fair…..or maybe it is. Hmmmmm……

We persevere.

Take care my man, i hope everything turns out well for you, don't let other people experiences get you down , just learn from them, that's what a wise man like you would do. See you when I see you partner .

 

[GBS]

That bloke doesn’t look like he’s got much of a bulge in his pants so it can’t be me

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Ezel - see you when I see you…..

If my recovery doesn’t include a mending of marriage I am strongly considering doing a tour of the US and looking you all up. Just to remind, I am basically George Clooney’s double!

 

[Jlied]

That bloke doesn’t look like he’s got much of a bulge in his pants so it can’t be me

That’s because he had to tape it to his leg, it was much to large to fit in the crotch of his pants. By the way, have you had to start wearing a sweatshirt with a hood upside down to contain your manhood adequately?

 

[Jlied]

Thanks @Ezel - see you when I see you…..

If my recovery doesn’t include a mending of marriage I am strongly considering doing a tour of the US and looking you all up. Just to remind, I am basically George Clooney’s double!

I’ll give you my address should you ever decide to go full stalker mode. Just so you’re aware, I like to walk around nude with the windows open so if you need a good laugh you know where to look.

 

[GBS]

I have found an emoji for you @Jlied - and it is NOT a laugh out loud one despite the fact that I did.

And so without more ado, I give you…..

 

[Jlied]

I have found an emoji for you @Jlied - and it is NOT a laugh out loud one despite the fact that I did.

And so without more ado, I give you…..View attachment 909

thanks Geebs, much appreciated, and for the amateur detectives in here we now know that Mr. Geebs has blue eyes, glasses, dark hair, 2 hands…..we’re onto you.

 

[GBS]

Two arms, three legs!

 

[Jlied]

Two arms, three legs!

 

[Jlied]

Two arms, three legs!

The ol tripod

 

[GBS]

283 days of not watching pornography
Masturbation record: one in mid June; one in early August; one in early November,; one in early December. So I count just four wanks in six months. I am proud of that record. It underpins my recovery. It’s a new habit. Is it difficult? You know what, it was, but it’s getting so much easier. Getting used to not wanking used to be depressing and difficult mentally. After all it’s been a 45 Year habit. If I fall into a once a month programme while I wait for my wife to welcome me back then I think that’s ok. And when she’s back, never again. She doesn’t know this record….she doesn’t want to. I think it gives her a guilt complex. Maybe at some point she will give me some credit.

Have a good weekend everyone and stay away from pornography. It is a destroyer of lives. It won’t destroy us though. We are the brothers/sisters who a staring this down. We will NEVER give in.

 

[GBS]

284 days sober

I have been here before. Slight sense of sexual chemistry with wife and the attendant sexual tension. Wife was just more looking into my eyes yesterday. Asked me how I was doing generally. Can’t remember my exact reply but something along the lines of “I feel great actually. Peaceful.” I think 6 months ago I would have said something like “Good, just frustrated”.

So not getting carried away with any sense of anticipation but I haven’t lost grip on reality, there is a nice feeling inside.

We persevere.