Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

88 days no porn. It’s a start. However I MO’d yesterday. It’s not counting as failure although some will say for the full hard core reboot you don’t MO once. I was nearly bursting and my libido was up. All nice feelings but your bursting feeling dominates everything you do and I thought a quick MO would work. It did. It was fantastic. Thoughts of wife and a swimming pool and the rest is history!

I am getting back on the no MO thing because the focus I have is incredible. Maybe once every 30 days.

Meanwhile, here’s one for you all…..my therapist asked me to write down my sexual activities and put them in three categories: ok, not ok, and iffy. The ok is pretty obvious. The not ok obviously includes PMO. For me it also included MO whilst thinking about anyone apart from my wife. The exercise is all about what’s in the iffy category. What sexual behaviours might be ok but just might not. Anyway try it out and I will come back tomorrow with some insight about all that.

I am Getting Better Slowly and I am a recovering porn addict.

 

[TryingHarder]

Good work, GBS. After 30 days I decided to (cautiously) MO and - like you - it was a good experience. My plan is to MO once every 30 days during a 90 day reboot.

 

[GrateClips]

88 days no porn. It’s a start. However I MO’d yesterday. It’s not counting as failure although some will say for the full hard core reboot you don’t MO once. I was nearly bursting and my libido was up. All nice feelings but your bursting feeling dominates everything you do and I thought a quick MO would work. It did. It was fantastic. Thoughts of wife and a swimming pool and the rest is history!

I am getting back on the no MO thing because the focus I have is incredible. Maybe once every 30 days.

Meanwhile, here’s one for you all…..my therapist asked me to write down my sexual activities and put them in three categories: ok, not ok, and iffy. The ok is pretty obvious. The not ok obviously includes PMO. For me it also included MO whilst thinking about anyone apart from my wife. The exercise is all about what’s in the iffy category. What sexual behaviours might be ok but just might not. Anyway try it out and I will come back tomorrow with some insight about all that.

I am Getting Better Slowly and I am a recovering porn addict.

yeah i think that's a health-ier way to look at the MO - don't berate yourself for it happening. But remember its a very slippery slope - MO feels really really good some times esp if its been a while. So don't get unwired just be careful

 

[GBS]

@GrateClips you’re right about the slippery slope. And given that was the longest gap in roughly 45 years it wasn’t surprising it was a good feeling. I think I did a 30 day stint before and then MO’d again 2 days later because I had almost forgotten how good it was. But not this time, back on the recovery straight away. Libido right down straight afterwards back sort of back up today 48 hours later.
90 days free of porn if I count right. That reboot is forever. The no MO is going until I start bursting again. By the way how can it be that 90 days is the reboot for no PMO? What, I can PMO now because I will just dabble and it won’t make me go back? That cannot be it. No PMO ever again.

Good day with wife today. We may have inched our way further forward. Emphasis on “may”.

Those who did my “iffy’ challenge: sorry to disappoint but probably everything in the iffy category can take you down the wrong path and lead to PMO so one of mine which was MOing myself whilst thinking of my wife with someone else is off the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah that a bit pushing my luck a bit!

 

[GrateClips]

@GrateClips you’re right about the slippery slope. And given that was the longest gap in roughly 45 years it wasn’t surprising it was a good feeling. I think I did a 30 day stint before and then MO’d again 2 days later because I had almost forgotten how good it was. But not this time, back on the recovery straight away. Libido right down straight afterwards back sort of back up today 48 hours later.
90 days free of porn if I count right. That reboot is forever. The no MO is going until I start bursting again. By the way how can it be that 90 days is the reboot for no PMO? What, I can PMO now because I will just dabble and it won’t make me go back? That cannot be it. No PMO ever again.

Good day with wife today. We may have inched our way further forward. Emphasis on “may”.

Those who did my “iffy’ challenge: sorry to disappoint but probably everything in the iffy category can take you down the wrong path and lead to PMO so one of mine which was MOing myself whilst thinking of my wife with someone else is off the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah that a bit pushing my luck a bit!

that slippery slope is how my attempt last year which i think got to 30 day no PMO then about 60-75 day just MO failed b/c i was not mentally ready to do what needed to be done

 

[GBS]

Ok. 91 days no PMO. MO’d last week. But MO activity very small overall. For the journal I am on a low libido and feel like another flatline. Communication with wife is fine but her guards are still firmly up and they’re not coming down any day soon.

Meanwhile I attended an SAA meeting. Confidential so won’t breathe any specifics. Will just say we are not alone brothers.
overall in mild depression but better days probably lie ahead.

 

[GBS]

92 days no PMO - actually got an urge in the last hour or so, but it was just boredom. As MO'd last week I seem to have very low libido and no morning erections. I don't know why I actually had an urge because I am not sure if I could have raised myself....maybe my brain was setting me a challenge. Anyway brain.....bad luck....I aint falling for it.

 

[GBS]

94 days. The urges I get are extremely few and far between. I am extremely hopeful that porn won’t invade my brain agai. Here’s another reason I hate it - I don’t know if this is classic ED but I struggle to get an erection at the moment. I suspect previously I had so many porn memories and I could make up fantasies so easily that my brain gave me access to an erection as long as I went down that wrong path. Now I am on the right path I don’t know how to get the erection too. MO about a week ago through desperation and I sense that interfered with my reboot. It was just once, and in my 94 PMO reboot I have MO’d I think about 3 or 4 times total.

I am coming to this realisation that maybe no MO is the cleansing thing. Tricky, very tricky. We persevere.

 

[GBS]

95 days no PMO. Giving serious consideration to hard core monk mode for as long as possible - last MO was about a week ago. I notice huge changes in myself after extended periods off. It’s difficult but not impossible.

 

[TryingHarder]

95 days! That's fantastic. Rock on!

 

[GBS]

97 days. We carry on.

Thought for the day. Apart from the reboot of the brain for porn I find the gains elsewhere are amazing, and a really good one for me is I am just not annoyed by little things. It is entirely possible that being 21 years married is the thing that has changed here, but I just love these added bonuses.
Keep going gents and ladies.

 

[Gooner]

I actually agree about the solo masturbation, i am now 75 days without anything, PMO MO or release. On my residential one discussion was about "Mindful Masturbation" but like you i think it should be with someone, i know where doing that alone could lead me. The nxt time i do anything sexually i want it to be with someone, i want to enjoy it not be alone.

You are doing so well, you really seem to be working through this, keep up the good work

You are getting better slowly

 

[GBS]

75 days without any release. That is mighty impressive. When I got to 45 days without release it was occupying my mind too much, but I think I should have persevered. I am proud of you @Gooner . And the residential course shows you're taking this very seriously.

I shall keep remembering mindful masturbation - do I presume that was making sure your thoughts were about nothing kinky - just one's wife?

By the way I have been reading some of the threads on here from the partners of addicts. It's a really tough read. But I think we should all do it. We focus on our recovery, but we need to be aware of the recovery of our partners and what the expectations should be. As I say - a tough read.

 

[Gooner]

Thanks, to be honest i dont think about how long its been much these days, im single now & am staying that way for the foreseable future i think, am determined tho not to masturbate on my own so that keeps me going.

I agree about the partners tho, read a post from a wife of a trucker (i drive for a living), your right a tough read, felt compelled to reply, wasnt sure if it was the right thing but felt i had to do it, i hope they can sort things out tho. Im thinking of doing the course where i went about the effect it has on partners, i asked the therapist that runs it if it would help for future partners aswell as present partners.

 

[Gracie]

@Gooner. They do have some different things outside of this forum. Look up Betrayal Trauma. It is helpful.

 

[GBS]

100 days no porn. A year from now I will write 465 days, I know that now. The benefits are too great to consider going back. Some thoughts on where I have got to:

1. Whilst I have done well, the damage I have caused will take a long time to heal. Think of it this way, if this were the other way round and my wife admitted to getting off watching hunky guys with big cocks, how would I feel? I thought about that last night, and I know the answer isn’t great.
2. No more porn is good, but being a better person is the right way to look at this. Rejoice in being better and nicer.
3, Less MO seems to make me better too. Avoid temptation.
4. Preach the word. I can’t stand those self righteous ex-smokers who go around saying “dreadful dirty habit”, but I will risk being laughed at because this is the tip of the iceberg. This is an epidemic.
5. Look after our damaged partners because if they stuck around then they deserve medals.

 

[Gooner]

Well done, that is some achievement. You've been strong, determined & now you know that you can do this, you know where your heading.......big up man!!

 

[GBS]

Thanks. 102.

there is talk of triggers a lot - I am confused by them. Only because I am as sure as i can be that my triggers are not for porn but for release - it doesn't need to be porn. I don't say this means I am off the cycle but i just am not sure what it could be that would make me go back. I am resisting any form of release now and getting on super well with the wife, but there's no sex at home while she gets over this. That's not a way of saying "come on...move on". I know the speeds of our recoveries are different. I will endure the frustration. It's good for me.

 

[GBS]

105.

went to SAA meeting yesterday. Good and bad. Depressing because I feel a new man and as if I am on the right path, but the experience of those attending was one of a very long path with much failure on the way. My expectations are suitably managed but I feel knocked back. Am I them? This I don’t know. What I do know is that porn ruined them and damaged me. It will be shunned forever

 

[GBS]

106.

Going on a course tomorrow about Understanding Partner’s Needs & Rebuilding trust. This seems pretty essential to me. I expect to be truly horrified but I hope I can be humbled in the right way. Am I ready to be knocked back? We will see.