Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

312 days.

My journal, on reflection, is getting pretty dull as a read. Nothing changes. And yet of course it does, albeit in tiny increments.

Had a bit if a verbal fight with wife yesterday so feeling a bit battered and bruised. These fights are actually good for us, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Ours was not related to the old me, except it was a bit. My procrastination in doing cert things in the house. Super relaxed attitude that can come off as complacent or advantage taking. I expect we’ll have another chat today and clear the air.

Who was in the right? Mrs GBS 70%, GBS 30%.

GBS penis watch: I will swear on the God Reboot Nation that it is actually getting a bit thicker.

 

[GBS]

313 days.

The home situation is steadier. No damage done, just the memory of a few pretty unkind words which I think Mrs GBS is embarrassed about. Thing is she wouldn’t have been embarrassed a tear ago being the underlying substance of the man (me) was weak and suspicious and untrustworthy. But today it’s a harder pill to swallow for her and whilst that is a bit chastening, it’s also a good place to be.

I had some very strong urges yesterday and have woken today with morning glory that is mighty impressive. I don’t know what to do to win back her heart. The disconnection is infuriating and deeply painful. Any partner reading this would say “you want sympathy? Really?” But we all know this isn’t a game and it Isn’t about revenge. It’s about trust pure and simple. And that means she doesn’t trust me yet…..yes, ok, I got there in the end.

Living through the pain of knowing she doesn’t trust me whilst coping with a sexual frustration that varies between mild up to extreme is my life in a sentence. I know if I masturbate that some of the pain goes away for a day or so. But it feels wrong and the discipline I am trying to instil is all about keeping the reservoir at brim full. I don’t know why this current streak of abstinence is so difficult but it really is. Maybe it’s a pure product of my reboot and another test. It’s the opposite of flatline……it’s fucking wonderful and fucking mental all at the same time.

 

[Beautiful1973]

I have real empathy for you @GBS I think you have busted your balls (quite literally) to get this far in your recovery. I understand that it’s about trust and her feeling emotionally safe, but I’m not sure what else she expects from you…..
I was listening to this podcast today about sacred sex and they were talking about how we should all be scheduling ‘love appointments’ daily or at least every second day. You set a time when you spend an hour with your SO for intimacy and/or sex, it’s designed to keep a sexual relationship alive. I’m wondering if it might help resurrect yours? Maybe you could suggest one evening a week, where you get to know each other intimately again.

 

[Gracie]

My husband and I did the every other day some sort of intimacy during our figuring out phase. It helped a lot. I always felt like I needed that.

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Beautiful1973 and @Gracie - wow, what I wouldn’t give to be able to have what you suggest. I have been told in no uncertain terms that intimacy is only when she’s ready and that’s not yet. Saying “what more can I do?” will induce accusations of being needy, indeed she Said that a week ago.

As @GrateClips said on his string, there is a sense of loneliness that comes with no intimacy/sex. When I said that to my wife she took it to mean not bein her presence. In other words she didn’t get it. When explained again, out comes the needy accusations. It’s tough, and it’s her journey and it’s slower than mine. There’s complaining or there’s putting up with it as the options.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Complain away @GBS, I don’t think it’s being needy, you’re asking for your needs to be meet, there’s a big difference. I went 15 months in my marriage where my husband didn’t touch me once, I felt so lonely, and craved just to be touched….. this caused me to act out, I started writing erotic fiction and sending it to a friend, had problems with arousal and became reliant on sex toys (I hope that doesn’t trigger anyway), down the track I would use porn to get aroused as I was no longer attracted to him.
So maybe that’s why I have more empathy than a lot of woman as I understand what a slippery slope this can be.

 

[GBS]

Interesting. Thanks for weighing in Beauts. I am going to seek advice from my therapist.

You didn’t trigger me by the way. Close, but no cigar.

 

[GBS]

315 days.

Trying to recall how many days masturbation free. It’s about 17 or so I think. Stopped counting this time. The no masturbation is the core for me. No point watching porn if you don’t masturbate. Masturbation can encourage fantasy. Fantasy can be of wife but not difficult to go elsewhere, so no masturbation no going elsewhere. Save the contents of my balls for the real thing. Nicer for me, nicer for her. Equals NO MASTURBATION. Try and tear down that argument. You can because it’s slightly unrealistic and can set oneself up to fail. But occasional relapses into one off wanks are ok. Yes it’s incredibly hard to do which is why the results are platinum.

All good here. Mrs GBS in slightly wary mood. No reason. I just think there are suspicious times for recovering wives and there’s no rhyme or reason. I think I have slightly lapsed into self pity recently and need to pull out of it. As someone said at SAA meeting last night: for real genuine 100% honesty and integrity you must observe zero tolerance to self pity. Sounds right. Also sounds (what my 17 year old boys would say is) a bit “try hardy”. Almost like if you can do this all - hard mode, perfect husband, get all the chores done, don’t complain, look after your mind and body, be creative, be there for my wife, but put no pressure on her at all, don’t ever feel sorry for yourself……you’re perfect. Is that genuinely realistic? If I was like that and I was still not “getting it”, wouldn’t I be entitled to say “hang on……can you remind me what the contract says please?”.

Perseverance folks. My wife wore a tight top yesterday which makes perseverance significantly easier to manage.

After thought - how does one balance the zero tolerance to self pity whilst still being a man and having physical needs? If you override the need bit, am I becoming less of a man? Feel free to comment.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hey geebs, been thinking about you tonight. I started a new audiobook called Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel, it’s about cultivating erotic intelligence in long term relationships, and there was one story that made me think about you & Mrs Geebs.
It talked about how the wife was no longer interested in sex, and the things in the partnership that she didn’t find arousing.
It made me wonder about what Mrs Geebs really desires and what would light a fire under her. I think you should read it, I can’t put it down.
Another thing that has been baffling me for a while, is how two people living together have not seen each other naked for all these months, and she hasn’t caught a glimpse of what you’re packing post porn.
I have no secrets in my house…..my kids came bursting into my room last night, while I was lying on my bed relaxing in the dark, they were like ‘Mum are you naked’, I said ‘yes, your allowed to be naked in your own room, now bugger off’

 

[GBS]

Thanks Beauts. I will have a look at that book. Yes it’s frankly getting weird not having seen her naked since late February last year. But this is what she says she wants and so she gets it. She is gambling that I won’t quit, but I like that gamble. It shows she has faith in me. I realise there’s another answer and that is that she doesn’t want it ever again. But that’s my gamble and I am taking it.

Going to talk to my therapist tomorrow. She will probably say that waiting this length of time is not unusual. In fact I know she will say that because she’s said it every time I discuss this.

So tempted to nip off to the bathroom with the thought of my wife wearing that tight top again……but I shall resist.

 

[Simon2]

I am wondering how it is for your wife? Does she miss having sex and closer intimacy? I know she sets the boundaries - but she may have needs an urges too? Maybe it isn't just you who's having to deal with that... or maybe it's different for her?

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Simon2 - does she miss having sex and intimacy? I am almost too scared to ask. I am going to ask my therapist whether that’s wise or not, get back to you.

 

[GBS]

316 days

A short post from me because things have been better and I just don’t have the energy to spill it all out on here.

We persevere.

 

[GraceFanatic]

Interesting posts from you guys & gals, thanks for sharing thoughts and experiences about our similar "issues". I'm just getting started with no" P" (New Years resolution) and already feel very encouraged to continue on this path to a better ME.

 

[GBS]

317days.

It’s been a tough 24 hours here. Too painful to write it all down but executive summary: I mentioned loneliness and missing intimacy and sex, she listened, then she tore me a new one. Whether everything she said was the gospel truth is hard to say, but as she said she didn’t miss intimacy and sex at all it was hard to listen to.

I realise pouring out on here elicits sympathy and empathy. You lot are fucking wonderful because you make me feel better and you encourage etc, but if Mrs GBS is being slow in recovering then that’s the way it is. Poor me, boo hoo.

Air is actually clearer today following additional discussion in which she did say the line”I wish I didn’t do that so much” by which I think she meant say some horrible home truths that may not be home truths.

And welcome @GraceFanatic to the best forum of all. Write your own journal and do lots of reading round the subject. Good luck, mate

 

[joepanic]

317days.

It’s been a tough 24 hours here. Too painful to write it all down but executive summary: I mentioned loneliness and missing intimacy and sex, she listened, then she tore me a new one. Whether everything she said was the gospel truth is hard to say, but as she said she didn’t miss intimacy and sex at all it was hard to listen to.

I realise pouring out on here elicits sympathy and empathy. You lot are fucking wonderful because you make me feel better and you encourage etc, but if Mrs GBS is being slow in recovering then that’s the way it is. Poor me, boo hoo.

Air is actually clearer today following additional discussion in which she did say the line”I wish I didn’t do that so much” by which I think she meant say some horrible home truths that may not be home truths.

And welcome @GraceFanatic to the best forum of all. Write your own journal and do lots of reading round the subject. Good luck, mate

Perhaps she has other issues that need to be addressed. You had an addiction and chose to work on it, In any relationship there are ups and downs. The downs are usually solved when both partners work on them together. When we take a vow it includes in sickness and in health. Addiction last I looked was considered a sickness and needs to be looked at that way. I would recommend its time for a visit to the doctor.

Cheers

 

[Nico]

Whether or not you want an outpour, I'm feeling you. What a blow. Do you feel she still loves you? Must be hard to stay strong with no end in sight and now hopes dashed pretty hard - but you can and you are so hats off to you.

 

[GBS]

Thanks @joepanic - yes she has issues. Clearly she has anger issues and things not dealt with in the past. It would take the diplomacy of a UN special envoy to explain those simple facts to her. She can’t easily face the pain of the past and is rather hoping, I think, that slowly but surely this will all just drop away from her.

@Nico - also thanks. I think after she ripped me apart the temptation to MO or even PMO was, for about 30 minutes, really very strong. But I resisted telling myself that whatever is said to me doesn’t change who I have become. In a strange way I am glad we went through it. Being the optimist I am, I don’t think she truly meant everything she said. Or not quite so unequivocally. Good thing I am not a pessimist or I could be swinging from a tree.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear about this @GBS...

I wish you both the best, I really do. I know in times like this it would be very easy to say "fuck it!" and do what we're all so accustomed to do in moments like these. So congrats on staying the course.

No matter what happens, you're still a hero and you need to know that.

Now that I know what your mug looks like, maybe I'll sculpt you a statue in honor of your badassness, or perhaps write you a song titled Wanker to Hero or Scimitar to Broadsword.

Sorry I haven't been writing on here as of late, I hurt my hand in the gym so I've been giving it a break. But please know this, I'm still with you, but only with my eyes and not my hands. Shit that sounded weird...

Best to you sir.

 

[Simon2]

Yeah that's tough man. It seems to me that there are other stresses than your addiction in your marriage - some coming from her. She isn't perfect - as nobody is really. I think sometimes when there is this one huge issue in a relationship - the discovery of your porn addiction - it can sort of overwhelm all the other elements that are there as well - both good and bad. In other words, it's tough for either of you to recognize and deal with what may be issues you would have seen if it wasn't for this one big monster.

It's very easy to blame everything on the addiction, the pain caused, the recovery needed etc, even when in truth some things are separate from that. It seems to me she is doing that and doesn't have the greatest ability to face her own issues. You are in a tough spot because if you even try very gently to bring up any sentiments that she may need to work on something it's thrown right back in your face - and you have nothing to stand on because of your old monster. I have felt this way... It sucks.

This power imbalance can't last forever in a relationship - I get what you're saying - that she needs time - and that you just continue to be the best man you can be - but eventually you have to get to a point again where both partners have a right to BE right, and to bring up an issue in the relationship - and to then be heard - and not just dismissed through overt or passive aggression.

Anyway... maybe not all of this is fair... just a bit of an emotional reaction from a distance (I want to come to your defence!). I am glad you can see the positive in this - and you are probably right - she needs a place to vent her old anger and that may ultimately help her heal. And no matter what happened - it's good that she knows that you miss your sex life. I hope it isn't true that she really doesn't - because to me that is a real potential red flag... if she needs it so little - is that just because your porn use has destroyed her sexual urges, or is it more than that?

Damn - now I've ended on a depressing note again.
Just keep on going man, and I hope a corners is turned soon!