That was fun…..
323 days. I am going to discuss a few things with my therapist today.
1. cycle of addiction. You may know it. Basically I am in dormant phase, and then there’s trigger, prep, act out, regret, dormant- something like that. Question is if my triggers are few and when they come I do not succumb to the urge, have I got off the cycle?
2. Mrs GBS - who was super nice to me yesterday. I don’t know why. I also wonder if not missing intimacy is a ruse, and she realises she hurt me deep down. I can’t say that out loud obviously for fear of her saying something back that just tips me right back. What a fucking coward I am sometimes.
3. Whether I need weekly therapy.
Masturbation: for me arguably the most interesting mind fuck of the whole reboot, and central to the problem. No kid gets lessons on how to do it carefully so we learn our own ways. I reckon the majority get off by watching porn or worse internet distractions, then there’s a fair chunk who do it to fantasy, and there will be some who do it mindfully but not many I reckon.
i am approaching 11 months clean. I think I have had 9 or 10 wanks which isn’t many. Obviously less than one a month. It’s not easy when one gets aroused. Curiously with my wife’s recent outburst about not missing sex, I do still fancy her knickers off, so no respite here. And here’s another thing, remember I am 60 here, back in the past couple of years, I would masturbate much more often, but honestly it was like waking fir my balls to fill up….so they were running close to empty and my dick would be harder to arouse during the 24 hours after a wank. But now, we’re running on full, and literally 30 minutes after I last masturbated I could have done so agai, and possibly three times in one day. I am not going to try this experiment. It’s just a nice (and agonisingly frustrating) feeling.