Another story - probably the same as everyone else

SimonM

Member
Your commitment is inspiring! Keep it up! Right now I am looking at your number and wonder if I can hit it. I had 180 days once and then decided I could "manage" a low level giving in. I couldn't. I hope I remember that this time as my number goes up (hopefully). You are doing all the right things though - being truly accountable to oneself, our partners, and support community is such a key.
 

GBS

Active Member
Thanks @SimonM - just to give you my numbers. I count my days of no watching (or looking at etc etc) porn on 1st March. So that’s roughly 3 and a half months. In that time I wondered if I could manage no MO as well. Lasted about a month, then MO’d perhaps 3 times to thoughts of my wife. Then I had a 45 day break then one MO. Now roughly 15 days. It’s tricky to go full monk mode but some people say the reboot is so much more effective if no MO so that is what I am trying now. I do NOT think one has to do that to reboot, but I am guessing that if you packed up porn but MO’d every day you would find the effects a lot less strong.

It’s a mind game. I love them. Keep going.

PS just started reading Love you, hate the porn - reading out loud with my wife. Tough but very good for us.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Glad you are reading Love You, Hate the Porn. When I discovered my husband’s use in 2011, I waited on pins and needles to get this book. There were no sites like this. The information about porn addiction was abysmal. This book literally helped us focus on one another. There still ups and downs in getting through porn addiction. There were still tears. But if not for this and it’s perspective, I would have left.
 

GBS

Active Member
Thanks @Gracie . Pointing out the obvious any of this recovery that we do together is a good thing. I think that can be counter intuitive for shamed men, but if we stop and think about it, our isolationist behaviour is a large part of the problem.

I am about to go on day 2 of a Rebuilding Trust course. It has been really tough but I need to face this all down. My wife doesn’t think I am a hero suddenly but she certainly approves.

Going to buy Hold me Tight after we finish current book.
 

GBS

Active Member
109 days today. I am reading Love you Hate the porn and there are references to men who say they’ve kicked the habit but almost all relapse two or three times and those that say they haven’t are lying. Not sure what to say about that. I feel strong urges to come, but they’re all interwoven with wanting any release to be with my wife. I have told her there’s going to be no MO. She said good. Still no sex with her nor any likely soon. Something will give but I am determined for it not to be me.

Keep writing your journals guys. It helps my abstinence.
 

GBS

Active Member
Day 111.

Been conversing with ladies who are partners of addicts on other threads. They are most insightful. They help so much. It’s a bitter pill reading their pain but it gets one to understand the problem in it’s true depth. Recovery is hard but in a way it’s easier when you know just how much hurt it causes. Understanding is empathy and acting with true sincere empathy helps get trust back. No guarantees, but it helps.

I have no certainty that my wife will get over this. She may love me but not get past this. She may have to make the horrible decision to find someone else. She may think so many men do this that she couldn’t trust another one - I have read that one before and don’t think it’s true of course. This is the abyss I stare into. Why be patient?

Easy - she’s the best. It will be worth the agony of failure just to give myself the chance of recovery.

I will persevere
 

SimonM

Member
I totally agree. I think we become very good at convincing ourselves that "what my partner doesn't know can't hurt my partner". Of course eventually they often find out and the pain is all too real. Even if we manage to hide our secret though we still cause pain because a P addiction, by its very nature affects our most intimate relationships. We may lose interest in our partners, be out of touch emotionally, judge them for how they look - even just subcontiously, etc. Never mind the time we take away from being in a real relationship to spend it in imaginary ones online.

I always told myself I wasn't doing these things, but I think I was just good at lying to myself. I mean, the last two years I've literally been cheating (because my addiction has taken me from the digital to the real world) and have been telling myself that it was GOOD for my relationship. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. So I know I am lying to myself.

Keep it up GBS. You are on the right track. Truly appreciating what we have in our real life partners is huge! Stay strong.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I think we become very good at convincing ourselves that "what my partner doesn't know can't hurt my partner". SimonM, I think all the men think this. The partner notices and feels that shift in the relationship. We do not know exactly what the problem is though. I literally though as my husband and I approached 60 that being older must mean being roommates. There was so much gone. Slowly ever so slowly things changed and then there we were. Shortly after that feeling I discovered his use. So we “know” we just don’t know the what.
 

GBS

Active Member
112.

The inescapable fact for men is we do know we did/do wrong. The honesty required isn’t just with our partners but with ourselves. This is hard. But searching out the root cause or causes will bring light to ourselves and hopefully and vicariously to our partners. It’s not fair that they not only suffered but have to help get the light back, but that is the truth. Partners who stay with us are wonderful people.

We have so much to lose, those of us with wonderful partners. It’s easy to stop watching porn when you know what you could lose. But getting the relationship back on track, that’s the tough job. Cliché alert: when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I am Getting Better Slowly.
 

GBS

Active Member
113 days, or put another way 2,712 hours.

Tricky day yesterday with minor bust up with wife. I did something quite phenomenally stupid which was a trigger for her. I apologised but the walls were firmly up.
 

Sammyjo

Member
Edit:
I'm going to copy and paste this and put it on my "vomiting thoughts" thread. I think I might start journaling a bit more and this will fit well there.


@GBS This is the tricky part - not causing a trigger for your partner. It's like walking through a mine field. Somethings are obvious triggers, others you have know idea exist until they blowup in your face. We had a situation this past weekend where my husband said something that really set me back.

The reality is (from my perspective) there are going to be frustrations for both the addict as well as their partner.

We were out having a good night with friends. Someone said something and it caused my husband to laugh real hard and then turned into a discussion that (in my opinion) he was WAY too interested it - doesn't seem like a problem right? The problem was, what was said, was a trigger for me but was funny to my husband. Fact is, prior to knowing about his addiction I would have laughed at it too and engaged in the discussion. How in the world would he know it would trigger me?

Fast forward, when we left I blasted him. This turned into a major quarrel, ending with him saying something like "with all the stuff you put me through and all your shit I put up with......." (referring my neediness since finding out about the P - my questioning behaviors, calling him while traveling at crazy hours of the night, etc).

I get it, he's over tired and frustrated (I hope that's all it is), but when he said those words what I heard was "I don't feel bad about what I've done and you need to get over it". What I felt was "here is a man who really doesn't see the damage he's done and doesn't really care". It made me feel like the trust I was allowing to creep in was really me being fooled again.

This was 3 days ago. I've had some time to gain perspective. We show our worst selves when we are tired and stressed. I NEED him to be perfect right now, but that is unrealistic. I realize he is trying hard. The fact he is trying, should speak volumes, but it also speaks loud when he negates the positive he's done. Tricky reality at the moment. Do I trust him? No. Is hope lost? No.

I hope things continue to progress with your wife.
 

GBS

Active Member
114 days.

Things calmer at home. As I said, we’re reading Love you, hate the Porn. Sounds so cute of us to do it together, right? It’s really hard. She gets upset, we talk, we read more, we talk more. We feel generally better for having talked but she also becomes slightly more reclusive.

I think a huge amount of patience is going to be required. I have said that before.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It was that way for us as well. However, it helped us have necessary conversations. We both had stuff that was hard to put into words. And it was painful to talk. I underestimated how much it affected me. We came up with he was the bandaid for my hurt. Even though his actions were the cause. But it worked. Hang in there. It takes time.
 

GBS

Active Member
115 days.

Thanks @Gracie - it’s nice to know it works. I think my wife slightly dreads each chapter because it just rips off the scabs, but we will do it as we need to. Ironically I think things are never better at home and ripping a scab off seems counter intuitive.

Meanwhile my own recovery needs focus. Just avoid anything that could possibly trigger and remember the quite phenomenal rewards of total abstinence.
 
105.

went to SAA meeting yesterday. Good and bad. Depressing because I feel a new man and as if I am on the right path, but the experience of those attending was one of a very long path with much failure on the way. My expectations are suitably managed but I feel knocked back. Am I them? This I don’t know. What I do know is that porn ruined them and damaged me. It will be shunned forever

you are doing so well. i too started SA. I do find them "sobering" no pun intended, experiences. It is both reassuring to know there are others like me/us working on rebuilding ourselves yet also as you said, depressing because of what you hear during the course of the meetings. Especially the ones that have had a relapse or have stumbled into the meetings at rock bottom or close to rock bottom.

I think at this point, I view SA as a humbling experience. We are after all only human. It should be humbling and I think the whole point is to know that the cleansing is a lifelong process. So easy to overconfident especially when a milestone is hit but SA is there to remind us of the long road.
 

GBS

Active Member
116 days. And progress at home. Long chat way into the wee hours with wife. Some sensual arm rubbing. Lovely. Not getting carried away. Just enjoying the tiny bits of progress.

Thanks for your support @TryingHarder. I would not be where I am today without you and the rest of this community.
 

SimonM

Member
That's great! Rebuilding trust takes time and patience and by giving both to you and your wife you will make your recovery effort that much stronger I think.
 
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