Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

Thanks @Blondie @Nico and @Jlied - now let’s not get too carried away here. Danger of me getting excited is clearly an issue. Also it would not be untypical if she didn’t say another word on this subject until her next therapy session which is three weeks away. I think she’s cons whether couples counselling is necessary too - she sort of said that but not quite. Confused dot com.

My therapist said I do nothing say nothing be patient. Well, that would have been nigh on impossible 9 months ago, but I am now blessed with Mother Teresaesque self discipline so I will wait it out. Can she say something like that and just leave me to ponder for weeks? We shall see.

352 days clean. Around 3 weeks no O. Yesterday I was feeling very slightly ill. Couldn’t work out what it was. Changed underwear from slightly tight ones to complete freedom boxers and away went the ill feeling. Cramped wedding tackle is the diagnosis. Sheesh……my bollocks are fucking golf balls right now.

 

[GBS]

353 days no PMO - 12 days away.
No MO roughly 20 something days. As I said a few days ago, this is one of the more difficult no MO streaks but not sure why. It is possible that because my wife has shown this slightly greater interest recently, I am seeing and sensing the heightened sexual tension between us. I thought there was tension back in August but nothing happened. Again I think in November and December but zip…..so you can see I am very cautious here.

She looked magnificent yesterday. We went out to lunch with some friends. She sat next to me searing this tight top which means her tits were just right out there. Drove me nuts. I don’t know if she did this deliberately. Sitting and listening to conversation when you have a semi brewing is quite the challenge.

Nothing more was said yesterday about her intended next steps. But the boys are home because it’s half term here and she’s not suggesting anything while they’re around. I realise that the concept of “half term” is not something you Americans will understand as your education system is so very different to ours when you compare time off school. Your system is crazy btw.

 

[joepanic]

Ahhhhh the wife wearing the tight top and her tits in the perfect position. My wife does the same it's the same with the short skirts and legs on display I live for those moments. As well as the sundress. bring on the summer

 

[GBS]

354 days sober from pornography

Not much news. Wife was a bit quiet yesterday and didn’t do much. I went out to a football (soccer to you Americans) match with my boys. The game was awful, we lost, we care but we don’t care….you get it. Nice food in the evening, watched TV. Wife didn’t mention anything about recovery and she wore a big jumper so I didn’t even get a gawp.

Some days my frustration is so raging I can’t really put it into words. It’s a form of madness. Yes……that’s where I am. We shall overcome (no pun).

 

[GBS]

355 days

Such a lovely day yesterday doing stuff with my wife in the garden. Real normal things. It’s the essence of life. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it during my addicted times. It was great. I would have thought I banked some points yesterday but it’s not about some form of credit score. This is a waiting game.

We wait.

 

[Jlied]

355 days

Such a lovely day yesterday doing stuff with my wife in the garden. Real normal things. It’s the essence of life. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it during my addicted times. It was great. I would have thought I banked some points yesterday but it’s not about some form of credit score. This is a waiting game.

We wait.

Quality time spent with a loved one never goes out of style. Does it build up like credit….I’d say yes. I’ve heard for marriages to be successful you need 5 positive interactions for every negative one. So while it may not be consciously compounding interest I’d bet subconsciously it is.

from my point of view, maybe her stone like exterior is cracking if ever so slightly. Since your last negative interaction with her I’ve read multiple positive ones. Perhaps her lashing out at you is a result of fear and not anger. Fear that she’s wanting to start trusting you again even though her mind says not to. Perhaps she doesn’t know how to properly navigate those emotions and her fight or flight kicks in and she makes sure to push you away so she doesn't have to feel that uncomfortability for a bit. But then who am I? Just some internet talking head that’s who!!

anyway, keep towing the line, keep teaching the rest of us what a determined, dedicated, patient man looks like. Some of us need a good reminder that it is possible and you sir do just that.

 

[GBS]

356 days

Thanks J. Really perceptive actually. I think a lot of what’s holding us back is her unconscious strategies to stop having to take the leap of faith. Probably couples counselling would also be frightening because she knows it will be focussed on her getting past whatever it is that she’s struggling with. Inevitably this will have some early childhood memory and scraping off a thick scab is unwelcome. So I empathise completely. I put no pressure on her.

And the reality of all that is that nothing happens. My borderline perfect behaviour seemingly exacerbates the waiting game.

But I am getting used to it.

Frustration levels yesterday did reach really high up. I wanted to MO so much and woke up with a swollen babies arm today but I resisted in the shower, It’s all madness.

 

[Androg]

Would your wife accept a hand massage from you? Start with non-goal-driven generous touch. It can do you both good.

 

[GBS]

357 days.

Late on today. Sorry.

Thanks @Androg . I have been away all day today. I may ask her tomorrow although I have never given a hand massage before so she may think it a little weird.

There’s huge tension currently. She has not breathed a word in the last week about couples counselling or what being a wife is. It’s eerie how quiet she is. I think she likes that I don’t say a word. A no pressure environment is key for her. So I am playing ball. She probably thinks I am going to speak up, but I am not….certainly not yet. I may make the problem worse but just let me handle this.

My MO streak which was roughly a month was broken late yesterday. I was just getting too wound up and the stare I was in was driving me borderline nuts. See where the next streak goes, One interesting observation about this latest O. Within about 15 minutes my python was back semi swollen. In the years of porn and constant M’ing, it would have been a sad chjpolata for a day or so. Put a smile on my sad old man face.

 

[Blondie]

Would your wife accept a hand massage from you? Start with non-goal-driven generous touch. It can do you both good.

That's a good idea. A foot massage could also be the ticket. It's very sexy without being too close to anything sexy.

 

[GBS]

Not to throw cold water on anything but let me tell you the foot massage idea just got a no thanks. That was it. No explanation. I think she was in a bad mood. I sensed sage was in a bad mood yesterday as well. She can’t vocalise (or she just doesn’t) why, but when she’s like that she can be colder than the deep freezer. Permafrost. She comes out of these moods, but when she’s in them there’s no chance of anything.

358 days. I know there’s the one day at a time mantra but I love looking ahead. I am the world’s most supreme optimist so it’s rarely a bad thing. So I know I will get to a year with no porn. It seemed 99.9% certain I will also get to the one year mark of no sexual intercourse. Indeed no sight of a naked female body. No touching an ass for a year. No tit squeeze. Hang on……this is meant to be a positive exercise. Not wallowing. Being a good person. If my wife doesn’t want the person I have become then she will have to look elsewhere. Good luck finding a good one.

 

[joepanic]

I think your final sentence says it all GBS

 

[Blondie]

Shit, sorry to hear this @GBS, I guess that was a bad suggestion after all. But you know what, I fucking love your attitude about this. You've really changed a good bit over the last while, and thus, you see your true value now as a man.

If my wife doesn’t want the person I have become then she will have to look elsewhere. Good luck finding a good one.

This. How many men in this world look at porn like it's a normal part of their lives? It's an astronomically high number of men (young and old) and while some of them might not be addicted (definitely possible) a considerable high number of them are without even realizing it. Everyone here is a fucking hero for even trying to better their lives from this modern day plague. Although I know partners can be hurt by our actions (obviously!), and I greatly empathize with that, I also think it's possible for partners to get trapped in their own sense of moral hubris, thinking they are better than their husbands, while forgetting their own BS and shortcomings in the relationship. Is this understandable? Absolutely, but it doesn't make it right. I'm not saying your lady is doing that, but it is possible, and it doesn't fix the situation. Obviously, no disrespect to her, just thinking out loud here. You're literally a diamond in the rough, a diamond on an island full of Red Coat wankers!

Either way, you're a brand new man, and almost a year out from looking at that filth. If I was ever in England, I would man hug the hell out of you.

Love you

 

[Beautiful1973]

Although I know partners can be hurt by our actions (obviously!), and I greatly empathize with that, I also think it's possible for partners to get trapped in their own sense of moral hubris, thinking they are better than their husbands, while forgetting their own BS and shortcomings in the relationship.

Totally agree

 

[joepanic]

In about a week's time You will have a year It's time to get out of the house my boy go for a walk if she doesn't trust you tell her she is welcome to come along but you are going to start living your life again. I honestly think this is more about power and control. What will she do? leave you for going for a walk? Time to make this about you and not her like she wants it to be Or what you are going through is bound to be your future

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[GBS]

I was in an SAA meeting last Tuesday and in my “share” I talked about you guys. By “you guys” I mean all of you and the lurkers. What I said was this: I used to be a big cynic about online forums (by the way, shouldn’t that be “fora”? Latin? I digress). Forums about everyday nonsense I think can possibly be for people with too much time on their hands. Or they are internet addicts? Anyway, I said that rebooting is serious shit. So we are all bound together with a severe intensity because of the depth of our soul searching.

I said to my SAA mates that I have gathered some friendships on RN that could possibly last for life. I mean it. I wonder if I will stay on here forever or if/when my marriage is mended whether I will slip away. I hope I won’t but it probably depends on whether my mates on here do the same.

To @Blondie @Beautiful1973 and @joepanic - thanks once again. @Blondie - “moral hubris” - it’s contentious as a subject but it will still be a chapter in my book I won’t write. Truth is I agree with what you said, BUT, and it’s a huge “but”, partners are not to blame for our misgivings and their repair time will naturally vary in duration and intensity. They too can and should be forgiven if they hide things and deflect any pain or blame our way. How easy it is for them to cope is literally impossible for us to say. All we can do is get better and show them. My wife, I know, struggles with forgiveness and moving forwards. What comes with that can be slightly ugly, but ironically I am, through my recovery, able to cope with it way better. I vent on here because I have nowhere else to vent, but the truth is she’s the one for me and I will never give up……well never might be pushing it…..but not for a long time.

By the way “Red Coat wankers” made me laugh out loud. People write LOL too often because they don’t laugh out loud, they just raise an eyebrow.

Meanwhile I am 359 days of no porn, no sex, no touching ass, no sight of naked female body. 2 days no MO.

 

[Blondie]

I said to my SAA mates that I have gathered some friendships on RN that could possibly last for life. I mean it.

Same here @GBS. I mean that.

it’s contentious as a subject but it will still be a chapter in my book I won’t write. Truth is I agree with what you said, BUT, and it’s a huge “but”, partners are not to blame for our misgivings and their repair time will naturally vary in duration and intensity. They too can and should be forgiven if they hide things and deflect any pain or blame our way.

I agree with everything you say, while at the same time holding on to what I said. None of the this is a black and white process, that is, what works for one couple naturally will work for another, it's all pretty relative to each in their own personal circumstances and stories. That is why if I ever did write a book about all of this, I definitely would refrain from that American self-help gobbledygook model that proclaims just do XYZ and all your marriage problems will fade into some kind of American matrimonial prosperity. God, just shoot me now! Obviously I'm rooting for both of you, but since we're both fighting this out in the trenches together, I naturally lean more towards your side of the story, that's all I was trying to say. You're a hero in my eyes, and as brothers in arms, my comment was coming from that place of concern. I'm sure your lady is quite the wonder too (as they almost all are) and will come around when it's the proper time.

People write LOL too often because they don’t laugh out loud, they just raise an eyebrow

Truth.

 

[GBS]

360 days

Thanks @Blondie - comforting words.

I sometimes play out this scene in my head where `I say “I know you can throw this back in my face, but what’s going on?” - and she says it’s taking a long time but she has to do it slowly because that’s the only way she can do it. I then say “but you said that exact same thing to me 6 months ago” and she says well it’s been a very tough year and we’re so much better than we were, and just keep doing the right things and we’ll get there in the end. What does one say next?

It’s rhetorical- I know what the options are because I have tried them all out. I don’t have the guts to throw in an ultimatum, anyway however frustrated one gets, you can’t just unlove someone.

Wife also got some worrying news about her elderly mother yesterday (who lives in the US) so that’s where attention and focus must go right now and probably for a few weeks. She’s had it rough to be honest as her best friend died around Christmas, her best friend in the UK had a very minor heart attack a week ago, and now her mum. Just writing all that down I feel acutely embarrassed at the thought of putting pressures on her..

Life is sometimes so phenomenally shite. And just to top it all I am sitting in bed with a rock on thinking about the sec with my wife that I am not having.

 

[joepanic]

sometimes play out this scene in my head where `I say “I know you can throw this back in my face, but what’s going on?” - and she says it’s taking a long time but she has to do it slowly because that’s the only way she can do it. I then say “but you said that exact same thing to me 6 months ago” and she says well it’s been a very tough year and we’re so much better than we were, and just keep doing the right things and we’ll get there in the end. What does one say next?

One says than we start out small. But we start out none the less Healing always takes effort on both sides. I don't think it;s so much about ultimatums. But it must include you living your life. Not just sitting and waiting with a "it takes time we'll get there". Like I said go for a walk or out to the gym or to the library.

 

[GBS]

Cheers @joepanic . Don’t get me wrong I am not sitting waiting. I take the dogs for a walk every day. I play appalling golf with other friends. Today I am hosting a singing marathon. There is much activity. Some I do with my wife and some on my own or with others. She sounds like a stubborn horse. She is sometimes and she is sometimes just lovely. I do not actually know why she doesn’t want me to touch her arse, but she has her reasons and they’re clear deep and well hidden. I need to tease them out.