Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[joepanic]

383 days clean
6 days no MO

Thanks @Blondie - still a fascinating subject, wet dreams. Our brains are so powerful.

No news here. There comes a point (not yet, but within a week or so) where the silence becomes almost too loud. Problem is that the form book says that when I raise the subject it all goes wrong. So I can’t win here. Either there’s a conversation that I will be on the wrong end of, or there’s just infuriating curiosity. But actually I totally get it. She doesn’t think I do. She’s too scared to do anything and if I make he feel uncomfortable she reacts by putting the walls up further, latching onto a previous negative trigger, and then her mind can convince herself that status quo is fine, indeed the right thing.

She is talking about going back to the US in a couple of weeks. Her mother’s health is declining. It’s a horrific thing to say but I think it helps my wife in that it’s something she’d very good at, it’s something important and it’s a cast iron valid excuse for doing nothing about our situation. I sense a period of intense quiet where I shall be utterly perfect and make it difficult for her not to see me as the rock she can depend on.

"cast iron excuse" Women have been perfecting these for decades. Especially when it comes to anything a man might ask of her that might require just a little bit of effort on her part. My wife is an ace at it especially when it comes to getting into better shape. I love here dearly but if she winds up unhealthy and kicks the bucket by age 65 I fully intend to move forward and live life to the fullest including a sex life with someone else. Enough about me on your journal though. Do you bring these details up with your therapist?

 

[GBS]

384 and 7

For some inexplicable reason my wife tore me off the strip yesterday venting anger. Not quite sure why she needed to be so horrible but that is her way. It all because of her sick mom. I said I was hurt by what she said and then she said “oh don’t listen to me I’m just venting”. Sheesh. Libido took a dip yesterday is it bloody well should.

 

[joepanic]

384 and 7

For some inexplicable reason my wife tore me off the strip yesterday venting anger. Not quite sure why she needed to be so horrible but that is her way. It all because of her sick mom. I said I was hurt by what she said and then she said “oh don’t listen to me I’m just venting”. Sheesh. Libido took a dip yesterday is it bloody well should.

I'm in a bit of the same position my wife's parents are very old and her mom is quick sick. her dad is almost 87 and in denial just continues to go to work (he is a lawyer) so we drive weekly 100 km each way to make sure they make doctors appointments and there is groceries in the fridge. It is a bit of a strain on our marriage but she tries to make a bit of time for us to make love but It is a bit tough

 

[GBS]

Cheers @joepanic - one of the many variables when we assess each other’s situations are the numerous outside stresses a strains of normal life. We just don’t know each other well enough to judge what advice to give. What we are experts in is recovery and its many pitfalls. Dealing with one’s own mental struggles while other shit is going down is uncharted territory. Self pity, which is meant to be a no no for me kicks in far more regularly.

However, and watch out cloud because here comes the silver lining, it’s the perfect time to test ones in the compassion department as well as seeing if these other strains cause any sort of trigger. I love a good test. Problem is I was slightly expecting a different homecoming and it is just a mark of how frighteningly naive I am despite my age (60).

How many compliments have I received for my thus far exemplary behaviour? Zero. Does it matter? Not yet.

 

[guitar1968]

Cheers @joepanic - one of the many variables when we assess each other’s situations are the numerous outside stresses a strains of normal life. We just don’t know each other well enough to judge what advice to give. What we are experts in is recovery and its many pitfalls. Dealing with one’s own mental struggles while other shit is going down is uncharted territory. Self pity, which is meant to be a no no for me kicks in far more regularly.

However, and watch out cloud because here comes the silver lining, it’s the perfect time to test ones in the compassion department as well as seeing if these other strains cause any sort of trigger. I love a good test. Problem is I was slightly expecting a different homecoming and it is just a mark of how frighteningly naive I am despite my age (60).

How many compliments have I received for my thus far exemplary behaviour? Zero. Does it matter? Not yet.

All of our situations are probably very different, but I see many shades of my relationship in your posts. I just posted for the second time today because my wife and I were fighting and the urge to pull up a browser and start surfing for porn was very strong. I definitely use porn as a way of calming down after a fight or an issue in our relationship. It never seems to get easier. I'm 55 so I'm right behind you trying to figure all of this out.

Good luck. Hope things get better for you.

 

[GBS]

385 and 8

Nothing happening at home. Wife totally absorbed in sick mother issues. Not the time to go wading in with “what about us?”. A tiny part of me thinks she likes not thinking about us.

 

[joepanic]

385 and 8

Nothing happening at home. Wife totally absorbed in sick mother issues. Not the time to go wading in with “what about us?”. A tiny part of me thinks she likes not thinking about us.

I'll be honest over the years my wife has had moments where she carries on in this manner. What some would call an inconvenient truth. A plausible excuse for not having to take part in finding a solution to something. Or if the problem lies with her than again not having to take accountability. I told my wife once if she ever stops putting our relationship into the mix... it does not always have to come 1st but it must fall into the mix than there really is no relationship period. In essence I have called her out on her shortcomings. There was guilt trip at 1st and push back but than I just started to withdraw just a little bit to show that I too had resolve. Over time things really improved

 

[GBS]

386 and 9

Thanks @joepanic .

There is a new mature side to me these days which also sees more. It means I can somehow cut through what is going on with greater ease. I think it’s simply because previous attempts to work out what was wrong got stuck because I wasn’t being truthful myself. And although I can see where my wife is, I am also able to deal with the procrastination because of my new found clarity of mind.
But you make a very good point: inconvenient (or from her perspective, convenient) truth. How some distraction can take on enormous proportions and importance because it’s central to the procrastination.

But the truth still remains that she obviously finds it extremely hard to move on to the place where intimacy happens. I am not quite sure why but it’s her risk averse nature kicking in. Just occasionally I think - is there a time limit out there that I can see? I think the answer is no, it’s out there but it isn’t visible. I am unable to say that if she won’t be intimate, I’m off. I know several months someone asked me that question and I said I would have to leave. But it’s way more complicated than that. You don’t fall out of love with someone just like that.

So I am in the classic limbo situation. Having said that, she was lovely yesterday. And today is our 22nd wedding anniversary. I got her a necklace. She will like it and then complain that it’s not fair she got something and I didn’t. Shrug.

Stay clean all.

 

[joepanic]

386 and 9

Thanks @joepanic .

There is a new mature side to me these days which also sees more. It means I can somehow cut through what is going on with greater ease. I think it’s simply because previous attempts to work out what was wrong got stuck because I wasn’t being truthful myself. And although I can see where my wife is, I am also able to deal with the procrastination because of my new found clarity of mind.
But you make a very good point: inconvenient (or from her perspective, convenient) truth. How some distraction can take on enormous proportions and importance because it’s central to the procrastination.

But the truth still remains that she obviously finds it extremely hard to move on to the place where intimacy happens. I am not quite sure why but it’s her risk averse nature kicking in. Just occasionally I think - is there a time limit out there that I can see? I think the answer is no, it’s out there but it isn’t visible. I am unable to say that if she won’t be intimate, I’m off. I know several months someone asked me that question and I said I would have to leave. But it’s way more complicated than that. You don’t fall out of love with someone just like that.

So I am in the classic limbo situation. Having said that, she was lovely yesterday. And today is our 22nd wedding anniversary. I got her a necklace. She will like it and then complain that it’s not fair she got something and I didn’t. Shrug.

Stay clean all.

To me its not just about Wham Bam Thank you ma'am, or intimacy if you will. To me your wife is just shutting you out totally. very little communication. When I say my wife must put our relationship somewhere in the mix I don't mean just sex. But we watch tv together. We go on date night We do the dishes together. I watch her every time she strips for a shower and gets dressed again for work. We see each other off with a kiss when we leave the house.. And we communicate. We even fight and argue from time to time... get under each others skin. But we always give each other a reason why we feel the way we are. If this all stops than there is no relationship. It's purely financial at that point.
Are you allowed to see her nude? Do you both see an discussion to solve a dispute to it's conclusion? To me these are important parts of a marriage

 

[GBS]

387 and 10

@joepanic - I appreciate you sticking up for me. There is an element of being shut out, but it’s not in the completely category. The simple truth is this is very hard for her. She is not instinctively a person who trusts. Going forwards for her seems fraught with danger. She doesn’t really understand my journey. Arguably you understand it way better than she does. So on paper it all looks so horribly unfair on me, but the fact still remains I was not a good man and trusting me now given what’s gone on in the past, is pretty obviously difficult.

No, I can’t see her nude. I can’t touch her ass. I can’t really touch her legs much. These are the rules set 387 days ago.

All that said though, and I shall try and keep a lid on this, she mentioned working together for some more intimacy yesterday. Yes. Really she did. I almost fell off my chair. I am not sure what she means but obviously that’s good. In my head I was dancing a jig. She’s going to talk to her therapist on Monday. Trying to stay calm. Failing.

I had a proper gawp at her magnificent bosom yesterday and the podgemeister duly reared his head. 10 days no MO right now but it feels like about 40!

 

[GBS]

388 days porn free. 11 days no MO.

I just don’t know what counts as flatline anymore. I have stopped worrying about it. That said even with the added current tension at home over when intimacy may return, I feel strangely flat. Another word is calm. It’s like if I don’t wake up with a morning wigwam I have suddenly lost my desire. It’s bollocks of course. It’s just day to day variation. The lid is being kept on my expectations for what happens next but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to Monday . This is when my wife has her next therapy session and during which I expect her to explore how intimacy can return. If it doesn’t move forwards I will be truly devastated and there’s the lid not very tightly fastened, right there. Hmmm.

Big day for me today. Solo singing concert. Good music (Beethoven, Haydn, Martinez) - on stage with some very good other singers. Can’t wait. Singing is way better when one abstains. Why? Two words. Pelvic floor. Also diaphragm control is better. Core muscles are about as strong as ever. I knew hard core would reap associated benefits.

Good weekend all. Don’t do porn. Worse than heroin (not that I have ever dabbled).

 

[Androg]

Hope the singing goes/went well!

 

[GBS]

389 and 12

Thanks @Androg . Singing was great.

Waiting game here. I feel like the chap who is getting married and is waiting for the wedding night and saving himself. This stuff really plays with your head, I can tell you.

I think if tomorrow doesn’t reap what I am expecting, which is entirely possible, I have the tools to cope with it. Any form of backlash from me right now will be insensitive. That said, there will be some words, I am not that spineles.

 

[Blondie]

I think if tomorrow doesn’t reap what I am expecting, which is entirely possible, I have the tools to cope with it. Any form of backlash from me right now will be insensitive. That said, there will be some words, I am not that spineles.

Hey @GBS, I know I've said this before, that I often don't know what to say to you about this matter, because our experiences have been entirely different. But yes, I do think after this amount of time, it is totally reasonable to have some words about all this. Obviously as you said, you don't have to be insensitive, but speaking your mind can't be a bad thing.

As I always say concerning everyone here at RN, we're NOT fucks up, we just fucked up. And what is more, this is an addiction, thus, the partner really does need to eventually see it that way and get over the pain or the constant asking why? It (was) an addiction, and it almost all started for us well before we met our current wives/partners. For myself, it was seventeen full years before I met my lady, think about that! Although I did hurt her by my cam sessions, for her to think that this is all about her would be actually pretty damn selfish on her end, because this has nothing to do with her, this is all about me. Which is why they call it an addiction, because it's all about the addict and NOT their partners/wives, THEY were never a part of the equation. The only true question remains is, do they NOW want to be a part of it or do they want to switch roles and have it be all about them? Of course, this doesn't negate their pain, but it is the reality and the truth of the matter. Truth and tears are two entirely different things.

Rooting for you.

Best Sir.

 

[Androg]

Glad the performance went well. Congrats.

Would it be worth proposing cuddles, or naked cuddling as a starting place? A few days of that can strengthen the trust between you...making further progress much easier. It will give her nervous system the message that the healed you wants intimacy and not just "porn sex."

 

[Blondie]

Glad the performance went well. Congrats.

Would it be worth proposing cuddles, or naked cuddling as a starting place? A few days of that can strengthen the trust between you...making further progress much easier. It will give her nervous system the message that the healed you wants intimacy and not just "porn sex."

Good idea

 

[joepanic]

Although I did hurt her by my cam sessions, for her to think that this is all about her would be actually pretty damn selfish on her end, because this has nothing to do with her, this is all about me. Which is why they call it an addiction, because it's all about the addict and NOT their partners/wives, THEY were never a part of the equation. The only true question remains is, do they NOW want to be a part of it or do they want to switch roles and have it be all about them? Of course, this doesn't negate their pain, but it is the reality and the truth of the matter. Truth and tears are two entirely different things.

Rooting for you.

Best Sir.

This is one of the most important statements ever. But only one partner here actually understands it. A few other partners here would be going off the rails if they read this

 

[joepanic]

Glad the performance went well. Congrats.

Would it be worth proposing cuddles, or naked cuddling as a starting place? A few days of that can strengthen the trust between you...making further progress much easier. It will give her nervous system the message that the healed you wants intimacy and not just "porn sex."

He needs to get her speaking about the issue period before anything else and she just doesn't seem to have any interest in that

 

[GBS]

Guys,

It’s a very delicate subject this. I will not have my journal soured by going down the “it’s got nothing to do with you, honey” route. Think of it this way: if your wife or partner said they wanted you to know that for several years they had been watching hunky men with 8 inch cocks and they imagined it was them banging them and that they masturbated hard to that and got off on it. How would we feel if afterwards they said - it’s not about you, it’s my addiction.

I get the argument, truly I do. But as a sales pitch for my current position and how I move forwards, it‘s fraught with tactless undertones. This is a very complicated addiction and one, when you’re in my stage of recovery, where you just can’t believe you were who you were. It’s easy to see how the new me has a wonderful CV, but the truth is still that this addiction wasn’t nothing about my wife. It has to a bit about her because it’s personal.

That said, there comes a time. That time may be today. I shall tread carefully. Thanks to @Blondie @Androg and @joepanic - I know you’re on my side. Let’s stay reasonable, ok?

390 and 13 - morning glory today. Serious. This could be a big day in the life of the GBS penis. Started well.

 

[joepanic]

Guys,

It’s a very delicate subject this. I will not have my journal soured by going down the “it’s got nothing to do with you, honey” route. Think of it this way: if your wife or partner said they wanted you to know that for several years they had been watching hunky men with 8 inch cocks and they imagined it was them banging them and that they masturbated hard to that and got off on it. How would we feel if afterwards they said - it’s not about you, it’s my addiction.

I get the argument, truly I do. But as a sales pitch for my current position and how I move forwards, it‘s fraught with tactless undertones. This is a very complicated addiction and one, when you’re in my stage of recovery, where you just can’t believe you were who you were. It’s easy to see how the new me has a wonderful CV, but the truth is still that this addiction wasn’t nothing about my wife. It has to a bit about her because it’s personal.

That said, there comes a time. That time may be today. I shall tread carefully. Thanks to @Blondie @Androg and @joepanic - I know you’re on my side. Let’s stay reasonable, ok?

390 and 13 - morning glory today. Serious. This could be a big day in the life of the GBS penis. Started well.

mind me asking what is a "CV"