Another story - probably the same as everyone else
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GBS
Respected Member
Good day all.
Let me just clear something up here because there is a slight sense of tension.
The debate about the damage we caused is one that could rage on. I will say this though and I intend no offence to anyone: some would say that we damage ourselves with porn and only ourselves. Get others to understand that and everyone can move on. There is some ring of truth in there because my addiction is my addiction, not my wife’s. Those whose wives/partners either don’t care at all about the porn or not much are fixing themselves and probably don’t need to use energy up worrying about what damage they did to others.
It’s entirely possible that I could seem like a giant hypocrite here, because I have bleated for months about how I have seen the light and why can’t my wife let me back in. Don’t get me wrong, it does drive me crazy, but is she trying to exact revenge? No she is not. Do I know that for sure? 99.999% sure. If this is her way of paying me back, either she’ll never move on, or she’ll suffer more herself. Neither seems likely. But crucially, I am the one who can make that judgement call. I plead for sympathy on here because it’s a daily journal and my brain is scrambled egg sometimes. But her brain is spaghetti so we respect each other, and we place all our eggs in the hope bucket.
391 and 14.
Following my wife’s therapy she said we can cuddle on the sofa. I can touch arms and legs but not tits and ass. We shall be clothed. Is it what I was hoping for? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yes.
Persevere, and stay clean.
Let me just clear something up here because there is a slight sense of tension.
The debate about the damage we caused is one that could rage on. I will say this though and I intend no offence to anyone: some would say that we damage ourselves with porn and only ourselves. Get others to understand that and everyone can move on. There is some ring of truth in there because my addiction is my addiction, not my wife’s. Those whose wives/partners either don’t care at all about the porn or not much are fixing themselves and probably don’t need to use energy up worrying about what damage they did to others.
It’s entirely possible that I could seem like a giant hypocrite here, because I have bleated for months about how I have seen the light and why can’t my wife let me back in. Don’t get me wrong, it does drive me crazy, but is she trying to exact revenge? No she is not. Do I know that for sure? 99.999% sure. If this is her way of paying me back, either she’ll never move on, or she’ll suffer more herself. Neither seems likely. But crucially, I am the one who can make that judgement call. I plead for sympathy on here because it’s a daily journal and my brain is scrambled egg sometimes. But her brain is spaghetti so we respect each other, and we place all our eggs in the hope bucket.
391 and 14.
Following my wife’s therapy she said we can cuddle on the sofa. I can touch arms and legs but not tits and ass. We shall be clothed. Is it what I was hoping for? No. Is it better than nothing? Oh yes.
Persevere, and stay clean.
GBS
Respected Member
392 and 15
Thanks @Blondie . Let’s move on.
Legs and arms. It was quite an experience actually. But not what it sounds like. It’s not as if I rubbed her legs ad nauseam m. Actually I hardly went near them. It wasn’t a fumbling 16 year old making out. Just gentle. I think she still reckons that there’s just one goal for me.
I have said this one before, but it bears repetition: the adage that men are just after one thing simply isn’t true. By “one thing” I think the female population thinks that’s ejaculation inside vagina. Now, don’t get me wrong, that would be most pleasant but it is not that which I/we crave. Is it the new no porn me that can make this new argument? I still think the old me was after a whole lot more than just cumming, but most certainly the new me is utterly oxytocin focused. I want the holy grail, I want the love of my wife bound up in a sensual experience. One where there is joint focus in pleasing each other and not with any specific one goal. Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as an expression though, does it?
Interesting SAA meeting last night, a great deal of focus on the difference between masturbation to magazine pictures and masturbation to videos. Arguably they’re two very different things, the first being less dangerous than the second. Danger in terms of damage to brain. But as I recall back in the 70s when I had porn mags, it was still extremely enjoyable. I would be interested to know if partners who feel cheated by their porn watching husbands would find masturbation to pictures just as bad as videos, or is it somehow a lesser crime in their eyes. And is the whole cam girls thing a step worse than porn videos? Not sure I will elicit an answer from SO’s on here, but please do weigh in if you’re reading this.
Stay clean everyone. I know I will.
Thanks @Blondie . Let’s move on.
Legs and arms. It was quite an experience actually. But not what it sounds like. It’s not as if I rubbed her legs ad nauseam m. Actually I hardly went near them. It wasn’t a fumbling 16 year old making out. Just gentle. I think she still reckons that there’s just one goal for me.
I have said this one before, but it bears repetition: the adage that men are just after one thing simply isn’t true. By “one thing” I think the female population thinks that’s ejaculation inside vagina. Now, don’t get me wrong, that would be most pleasant but it is not that which I/we crave. Is it the new no porn me that can make this new argument? I still think the old me was after a whole lot more than just cumming, but most certainly the new me is utterly oxytocin focused. I want the holy grail, I want the love of my wife bound up in a sensual experience. One where there is joint focus in pleasing each other and not with any specific one goal. Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as an expression though, does it?
Interesting SAA meeting last night, a great deal of focus on the difference between masturbation to magazine pictures and masturbation to videos. Arguably they’re two very different things, the first being less dangerous than the second. Danger in terms of damage to brain. But as I recall back in the 70s when I had porn mags, it was still extremely enjoyable. I would be interested to know if partners who feel cheated by their porn watching husbands would find masturbation to pictures just as bad as videos, or is it somehow a lesser crime in their eyes. And is the whole cam girls thing a step worse than porn videos? Not sure I will elicit an answer from SO’s on here, but please do weigh in if you’re reading this.
Stay clean everyone. I know I will.
joepanic
Respected Member
This could lead to quite the rabbit hole here. It could lead to many questions. Such as why does one even need to beat off to a photo period. And many of the answers given by addicts partners may not like at all and many of the answers given by partners addicts just may not like. I am at a point in my trip where I can watch a sexy fitness instructor while working out (motivation video) and it does not lead me off to beating off or searching out other stuff. But if I were to go straight off to porn that would be the end of it. I am sure I would wind up on a slippery slope and who knows how far down or how long the slide would be. Just looking at the time gonna be late for work perhaps more on this later
cheers
GBS
Respected Member
Cheers @joepanic -
Why does one need to beat off to a photo? Because it turns us on more than doing it without.
My conundrum about whether masturbation to pictures, videos, cam girls are varying degrees of cheating.
You said you don’t think partners will like what addicts say and vice versa. Presupposing that we do describe all three as cheating (and I am acutely aware that some partners, yours for instance, don’t see it as cheating), what do you think addicts will say, and what do you think partners will say? I was going to guess they’d say the roughly the same thing. That cam girls are worse than videos, and videos are worse than magazines.
Why does one need to beat off to a photo? Because it turns us on more than doing it without.
My conundrum about whether masturbation to pictures, videos, cam girls are varying degrees of cheating.
You said you don’t think partners will like what addicts say and vice versa. Presupposing that we do describe all three as cheating (and I am acutely aware that some partners, yours for instance, don’t see it as cheating), what do you think addicts will say, and what do you think partners will say? I was going to guess they’d say the roughly the same thing. That cam girls are worse than videos, and videos are worse than magazines.
Delighted to hear of your progress. It will take time for her subconscious to register feeling safe around the new you. It would be good if you could repeat this at least every other day, as bonding behaviors need to be frequent for best results. Lots of smiles and eye contact every day will help too.
Merely a careful observer and experiencer of the relationship chaos that is rife on this planet. You're doing great. Easy does it.
GBS
Respected Member
Cheers Droggers. Thanks for looking after me.
393 and 16
I have little to report. Coming up on 13 months clean and what do I feel? Strangely low libido, low energy, love enthusiasm. Low all those things I should be high on. But experience has taught be this is but a blip. Normal service us around the corner.
13 months clean, just for the record, means no porn in that time, no sexual touch of my wife, no sight of her naked or indeed any woman naked. I saw a pair of boobs on a tv show about 6 months ago, but that’s it. 11 wanks in 13 months all to very clean fantasy about my wife. All she thinks is I want one thing. It’s sad but that’s where we are. As the (irritating) serenity prayer says: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Stay serene fellow rebooters.
393 and 16
I have little to report. Coming up on 13 months clean and what do I feel? Strangely low libido, low energy, love enthusiasm. Low all those things I should be high on. But experience has taught be this is but a blip. Normal service us around the corner.
13 months clean, just for the record, means no porn in that time, no sexual touch of my wife, no sight of her naked or indeed any woman naked. I saw a pair of boobs on a tv show about 6 months ago, but that’s it. 11 wanks in 13 months all to very clean fantasy about my wife. All she thinks is I want one thing. It’s sad but that’s where we are. As the (irritating) serenity prayer says: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Stay serene fellow rebooters.
So knowing how my views are received, I will comment on pics etc. For me it was the decline of his relationship with me that made me view it as cheating. Our intimate life took a decided nose dive. He chose the things he looked at and his hand over me. Thinking about them over me. To me it felt like any naked woman pic or video was preferred. In a marriage there are only two. For either one to seek out pleasure on a regular basis that replaces the intimacy, is cheating. It is a conscious choice and typically one that is hidden and lied about and that affects and damages the trust. Once trust is damaged, what can be believed? I am aware some have breezed through with wives that are not affected, great. But, in being in two different online groups as a partner, that is a scarce occurrence. For me, cam girl or physical sex would have ended the marriage.
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @Gracie . Please take no offence when I say I didn’t really ask if it was cheating and how it rose to that point. The premise was that it was. I was slightly rhetorically wondering if there were gradations of cheating. I realise I did invite comment so rhetorical may be a push. Mea culpa (which I prefer as an alternative to “my bad”).
GBS
Respected Member
395 and 18
The cuddling happened on Tuesday but not since then. It was agreed she would generally initiate but I could too. It just feels weird. Like I get the feeling she would like to but part of her inside says no. It’s sort of fine at one level, but otherwise devastating.
The cuddling happened on Tuesday but not since then. It was agreed she would generally initiate but I could too. It just feels weird. Like I get the feeling she would like to but part of her inside says no. It’s sort of fine at one level, but otherwise devastating.
GBS
Respected Member
396 and 19
I often wonder what it is that’s worth saying on here. I genuinely worry about it. Don’t worry, not much. Just that I have said my piece several times over on here, and it’s all getting a bit boring. Isn’t it?
Flatline is over. A mild fantasy invaded my head yesterday. It was very simple. I shall try not to trigger you. I was giving my wife a back massage, and I will leave it at that. Even though I am so used to flatline and it doesn’t bother me, I am always glad when it’s over. My 19 day no MO streak is something I am very proud of. In life generally when I give something up, or I make a slight lifestyle change, it always slips back to the old days. We all do this. Diets are the big one. Eat less bread, eat more fruit, don’t buy biscuit/cookies. You feel better for doing it, but it always slips back. So my no MO pledge could so easily have gone back to one a week or so. But it hasn’t. Each month has been a new challenge, given that I am averaging just about one a month (slightly less actually). The current streak is close to three weeks. It is not a problem. A part of me wants it to be a problem because the feeling of wanting to burst out leads to a feeling that I must give myself a break, then there’s the inevitable build up to when I do it, then it happens, and it’s obviously extremely nice momentarily…… then strangely I feel guilt. Back to zero.
Anyway. I am not bursting just coping. I wonder if the current streak can last a long time. Like possibly the 90 day one I did last August - September. Wow that’s more than 6 months ago. Where did that time go?
Stay clean brothers. Don’t go back to being who you were. Porn, very simply, is never happening again for me. Never.
I often wonder what it is that’s worth saying on here. I genuinely worry about it. Don’t worry, not much. Just that I have said my piece several times over on here, and it’s all getting a bit boring. Isn’t it?
Flatline is over. A mild fantasy invaded my head yesterday. It was very simple. I shall try not to trigger you. I was giving my wife a back massage, and I will leave it at that. Even though I am so used to flatline and it doesn’t bother me, I am always glad when it’s over. My 19 day no MO streak is something I am very proud of. In life generally when I give something up, or I make a slight lifestyle change, it always slips back to the old days. We all do this. Diets are the big one. Eat less bread, eat more fruit, don’t buy biscuit/cookies. You feel better for doing it, but it always slips back. So my no MO pledge could so easily have gone back to one a week or so. But it hasn’t. Each month has been a new challenge, given that I am averaging just about one a month (slightly less actually). The current streak is close to three weeks. It is not a problem. A part of me wants it to be a problem because the feeling of wanting to burst out leads to a feeling that I must give myself a break, then there’s the inevitable build up to when I do it, then it happens, and it’s obviously extremely nice momentarily…… then strangely I feel guilt. Back to zero.
Anyway. I am not bursting just coping. I wonder if the current streak can last a long time. Like possibly the 90 day one I did last August - September. Wow that’s more than 6 months ago. Where did that time go?
Stay clean brothers. Don’t go back to being who you were. Porn, very simply, is never happening again for me. Never.