Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

GBS

Respected Member
407 and 7

Thanks @TryingHarder - intrusive sexual fantasies are up to a point going to be with us the rest of our lives I think. The trick for me is to make them vanilla and all related to my wife. I am nearly there on this, but it creates a dichotomy that I fantasize about the person I live with. That self same person who won’t allow me to see her naked. In some ways it’s comforting and in some ways it drives me stark raving bonkers. If I recall you don’t have a partner, so I promise I am not rubbing your nose in it, but your near hard core recovery with no fantasy outlet must be difficult. My (useless) advice is not to be too hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack.

@Jlied - nice to hear from you dude. Note my lapse into American slang. On the subject of women fantasising, I would love to know more, but I think I either get cast as a pervert or basically I am in danger of triggering some people. That said I think it must be true that everyone has thoughts/ideas/things they’d like - but I don’t think they want to say “I imagined you were Chris Hemsworth last night” because that might be seen as being rude.

Some guy at our SAA Meeting the other night picked up on what I was saying about fantasy, and he said this: it’s totally normal to fantasize but keep it clean if you can and don’t go searching for it. He also said that he used to watch porn and fantasise afterwards and he thinks there are literally millions of men (and women of course) for whom this is a way of life. It doesn’t mean it’s ok, but it does mean it’s happening a lot. Maybe non obsessive porn watching and accompanying fantasy is not harmful. Or not very. I happen to believe it is, but I am a bit of a card carrying convert. Think about this - whichever porn site you (plural) went on and you downloaded a video, ever notice how many previous views it has had? Often it’s 100s of thousands. You can find the most innocuous one on, say, toe sucking (no I didn’t by the way) and that will have 25,000 hits. It’s everywhere, it’s all types and being used by many millions. Their fantasy worlds are part and parcel too.

We’re the Guinea pigs of so many things on here. Good for us. And good for you if you made it to the end of this interminable drivel.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
408 and 8.

I had a hangover yesterday. Emperor sized. I am rather wondering how I was able to write a post. Had therapy session which slightly depressed me because my expectations have been duly managed. There are several views as to what normal recovery time is. My wife , supposedly, is at the longer end but (according to my therapist) is far from extraordinary. I feel very patient right now so this is all fine. Patience goes in and out. Oops…..triggered myself!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
410 and 10.

A few very nice moments with wife yesterday. Just tenderness. Not cuddling, nothing very demonstrative, just really nice feelings of connection. I write these things in a journal because it just makes me feel good to write it. I think this is what journaling is all about really. I know I have supporters on here and others who just read, but I have friends and confidants too and I know I also write so you can take vicarious pleasure. I think 6-9 months ago I would write and slightly expect there to be a natural following on of mood so that everything would pick up and somehow speed up the recovery. That’s a ridiculous notion on reflection. That all said, my hopes are raised a little bit. Mrs GBS is not a big communicator these days. So I am left to work out for myself whether she notices a change herself or whether she’s in denial.

I had this massive urge this morning. Your good old fashioned fancy the knickers of my wife type of urge. It’s still there, the desire. I don’t need to be encouraged by the urge, but I still was.

Stay clean everyone. Porn will not win. Never.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
411 and 11

Again not much to say. Have to admit have been watching some highly trashy TV recently, namely a programme entitled Married at First Sight Australia. Reality show. Does what it says on the tin. It’s great if you don’t mind watching some quite annoying people. They get paired up by relationship experts and get married before meeting each other. They then spend several weeks together and have dinner parties with all the other participants. They also have recommitment ceremonies . Why am I telling you this? Apart from the fact I recommend it if you like trash too, it emphasises a great deal what role intimacy plays even in a very new relationship. My wife loves this show too. I wonder if she’s sitting there squirming or whether that’s all going over her head.
 
Jlied

Jlied

Active Member
GBS said:
411 and 11

Again not much to say. Have to admit have been watching some highly trashy TV recently, namely a programme entitled Married at First Sight Australia. Reality show. Does what it says on the tin. It’s great if you don’t mind watching some quite annoying people. They get paired up by relationship experts and get married before meeting each other. They then spend several weeks together and have dinner parties with all the other participants. They also have recommitment ceremonies . Why am I telling you this? Apart from the fact I recommend it if you like trash too, it emphasises a great deal what role intimacy plays even in a very new relationship. My wife loves this show too. I wonder if she’s sitting there squirming or whether that’s all going over her head.
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You are speaking my wife’s language there mighty Geebs, she love s these kinds of high drama dating/marriage shows. They are certainly entertaining and really go to show that intimacy is a vital element to any relationship. The couples that fail are generally the ones where they don’t spend time with each other, I’m sure there are other underlying factors there but time spent together in any capacity is needed. We’re a social animal that needs connection. Babies die without caring nurturing environment, we wither away as well as adults. The bad thing about that is it takes two to make that work, one person can try as they might to connect with the other but if it’s not reciprocated we wither away.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
412 and 12.

Someone at SAA said he was surprised I was so numbers focussed. Certainly the no MO number. I said that I wanted to see how I was spacing out my M habits given that it gets tough after 30 days. He said, and he’s right, that if I don’t count I won’t know and I won’t think after we days that I can go and knock one out because I deserve it.

He has a point. Thing is I now know it’s as many days as it is over 400. Bother.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
GBS said:
Someone at SAA said he was surprised I was so numbers focused.
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I never really like when someone says they're "surprised" by me doing something that I'm doing, especially when that something is working for me. I'm sure he meant well, but you should just do whatever works for you. I see his point, but how would you know if you're going further or getting better if you don't count it? Obviously, this is an eternal debate that will never get solved, but I just think everyone should do what works for them and leave it at that. If counting doesn't work for you, great. If it does work for you, that's great as well.

You just do you @GBS, I'll a have man crush on you no matter what. That's definitely something you can "count" on. ;)
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
413 days sober

Aww shucks thanks @Blondie

So this whole no MO thing. It is being massively overthought certainly by me. I think that’s because I want permission to do it when it gets difficult. And obviously you guys say - do what is best for you, dude, just don’t do porn. And that’s good advice. But the mindset needs to be different. Mine I mean. Forget about how long the no MO is because I have proved I can do a long stretch. Just make it a habit and be cool about it. Obviously for me there is a sexual frustration issue. There are some encouraging signs from Mrs GBS, but nothing to make you think it’s happening any time soon. I asked her the other day whether the physical boundaries might change. She said yes they might. But she also emphasised that the boundaries had already recently changed with our cuddling and leg touching stuff. So encouraging but expectations managed.

A year ago, if you’d told me this is where I would have got to I would have been highly depressed, but I am not depressed now. What am I? Apart from frustrated, I am calm and self assured. I think the chance that we’ll go back to a sex life is very high. I have rehearsed in my mind what the conversation would be like if she said she couldn’t do sex again, and that’s devastating but still leaves me calm about who I become after that. Still think that’s in the 1-2% category.

I just want to say something about porn. It’s like chocolate that tastes so good but inside the chocolate is some drug that you never knew was in it. The drug slowly eats away at your soul. But you love chocolate and this whole soul thing is bollocks, right, because you love the taste so much. What’s with the soul thing? Then you realise truly what you have done to yourself and how that feels from a partner perspective and then you look at your withered pathetic soul. And you look at your withered pathetic penis. And your withered pathetic mind and body. And you shout -why didn’t someone tell me? Why weren’t there warnings? Why was there no sufficient education? I had no idea it destroys things. It almost literally kills. I struggle to believe that there are porn users who aren’t addicted. I guess the guy who watches twice a year isn’t addicted but who does that?

I fail to believe that men can watch porn and not be changed by it. Desensitised. Stops you having a good sex life. Stops you being a proper person. All the touchy-feely girlie stuff, right? No. Fuck you, porn, you twat. It isn’t girlie stuff, it’s the fucking meaning of life. Fuck right off. NOW.

Thank the Lord I have healed my brain. No complacency. Just seen the light. Hope that means I also see my wife’s tits but we’ll wait on that one. All good things come to those who wait.

So we wait. We don’t watch porn, we let our brains heal as a direct result. We wait. It’s good for us.
 
G

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
GBS said:
I struggle to believe that there are porn users who aren’t addicted.
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Me too. My friends and bandmates always joke about watching too much porn and I think to myself, that's because we all do. Maybe there are people who can use it from time to time to relax but have no real draw to do it daily. Do you think alcoholics wonder the same thing about a guy who can have a beer once a week? I'm that guy. Sometimes I'll go a month and realize I haven't had a beer or a glass of wine. I like it when I have it, but there is absolutely nothing that makes me feel like I need it. I guess it could be the same way with porn.

Who knows. Doesn't really matter I guess what is happening with other guys. We got addicted. We want to change. In the end it is always up to us.

Good luck to you GBS!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @guitar1968

Whether one can analogise porn addiction with alcoholism is one for debate. Maybe we addicts can’t bear the thought that we‘re oddities and we want the majority to be like us. I had a pal who was an alcoholic and he point blank refused to believe I didn’t drink every day. I used to get drunk with him and matched him drink for drink, but he’d do the same thing the next night with someone else and I would have the rest of the week off the sauce.

I fail to believe that porn is the same but I can’t quite say why. I think the person who watches twice a week may not be as damaged as the every day merchant but I still think he’s done untold harm to himself.
 
G

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
GBS said:
Thanks @guitar1968

Whether one can analogise porn addiction with alcoholism is one for debate. Maybe we addicts can’t bear the thought that we‘re oddities and we want the majority to be like us. I had a pal who was an alcoholic and he point blank refused to believe I didn’t drink every day. I used to get drunk with him and matched him drink for drink, but he’d do the same thing the next night with someone else and I would have the rest of the week off the sauce.

I fail to believe that porn is the same but I can’t quite say why. I think the person who watches twice a week may not be as damaged as the every day merchant but I still think he’s done untold harm to himself.
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Yeah, I get that feeling as well. Porn is a different addiction for sure than booze or drugs. And from what I hear from most guys, you are probably right.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
416.

I am in another mini flatline. Boring. Yawn. I found some articles on flatlines most of which wasn’t news really, but there was much discussion about multiple flatlines and how They vary from person to person. So not that interesting although the general theme is that even when you go through flatline, you still attract women more. The no MO hard mode dudes that is.

I am not exactly a skeptic as I do feel more attractive, but are women smiling at me in supermarkets? They are not. Do I get knowing glances walking down the street? I don’t think so.

But, do I have more confidence and does that exude something? Definitely.

Wife being more affectionate. Maybe it’s my confidence. 🤷
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
418.

Here’s what happened this weekend:

It’s been pretty quiet. Nice little bits of affection but nothing huge. Not as much as I hoped, but there has been progression. On Saturday I was just a little depressed by it all. I was moody but I decided rather than blurting it out that I was frustrated and exhausted by it, I would just keep myself to myself. So I was quiet, Unusually so. At some point Mrs GBS asked what was wrong. I said “Sorry, I am just being quiet today, thinking stuff through”. There was some moments where there were awkward silences. The day was otherwise fine, actually nice.

Yesterday was also fine albeit unremarkable and little or no affection. Late afternoon my wife was folding some laundry and I asked if there was anything I could do to help. She initially said no, then she said “yes, you can tell me what it is you were being so quiet about yesterday. Have you decided you’ve had enough and you’re leaving?” Hmmmm……you can imagine it was a bit frosty after that. Too boring to give you the blow by blow account. I apologised for being so cryptic in my comment but I was just wondering why there’s meant to be more affection and yet there’s basically almost none.

We resolved it. She said this is a massive step for her. I said I knew that but that didn’t mean I found it easy. She acknowledged that this is slow and said she thought I understood it. I said understanding isn’t the issue. It’s the reality. I asked for some perspective and empathy. She said she would try. It was tense but I was calm and not too defensive.

But that, my dear RN friends, is how the land lies currently. Want to put money on me having sex in 2023? Hmmmmm……
 
Jlied

Jlied

Active Member
GBS said:
418.

Here’s what happened this weekend:

It’s been pretty quiet. Nice little bits of affection but nothing huge. Not as much as I hoped, but there has been progression. On Saturday I was just a little depressed by it all. I was moody but I decided rather than blurting it out that I was frustrated and exhausted by it, I would just keep myself to myself. So I was quiet, Unusually so. At some point Mrs GBS asked what was wrong. I said “Sorry, I am just being quiet today, thinking stuff through”. There was some moments where there were awkward silences. The day was otherwise fine, actually nice.

Yesterday was also fine albeit unremarkable and little or no affection. Late afternoon my wife was folding some laundry and I asked if there was anything I could do to help. She initially said no, then she said “yes, you can tell me what it is you were being so quiet about yesterday. Have you decided you’ve had enough and you’re leaving?” Hmmmm……you can imagine it was a bit frosty after that. Too boring to give you the blow by blow account. I apologised for being so cryptic in my comment but I was just wondering why there’s meant to be more affection and yet there’s basically almost none.

We resolved it. She said this is a massive step for her. I said I knew that but that didn’t mean I found it easy. She acknowledged that this is slow and said she thought I understood it. I said understanding isn’t the issue. It’s the reality. I asked for some perspective and empathy. She said she would try. It was tense but I was calm and not too defensive.

But that, my dear RN friends, is how the land lies currently. Want to put money on me having sex in 2023? Hmmmmm……
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It’s good you were able to speak your thoughts and feelings and it’s good it didn’t blow up into an argument or a reversal in progress. She’s taking your feelings into consideration which in itself seems to be progress.

that being said, I can only imagine the levels of frustration you are feeling. You’ve been doing everything right by the book for so long. Regardless if being physically intimate again is a big step for her it needs to be taken if you two are to be successful. Her comment to you about having enough and leaving is odd. Almost comes across as her knowing exactly what she is doing and testing you. Almost like you leaving would be easier for her to stay rooted in her ways rather than forgive and move forward with you.

just my 2 American wheat penny’s worth of thoughts. Keep doing your thing. You have quite literally written the book on how to successfully recover from porn usage, just read your daily entries, the blue print is right there.
 
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