Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hey @GrateClips - you been away? I will check your journal out.

The test I am going through is weird. I sort of know that if I MO now I will get 5 mins of heroin sort of, but that will be followed by a downer. I would get back up but I would feel like I let myself down. Someone else was talking about making the pain of recovery (actually it was some form of odd medication) your friend. So I am enjoying putting myself through the ringer.

Just driving back from delivering my son somewhere I get a day dream about my wife crawling over me naked. What do I do? Shut these thoughts out or rejoice that I am having them? Either way li pain (and therefore pleasure)!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
144 days no porn. 35 days no MO. I am not sure what the female perspective is on no MO. I haven’t had a long discussion with my wife but I do recall her saying she approved. I think it’s possible women don’t know how difficult it is. Perhaps I am being a baby here. Others have done long stretches. But we’re they living alone rather than being constantly taunted. After all the weather’s pretty nice here and so my wife is in shorts and tight tops and we’ll….you know what I am saying here. Torture. Lovely painful respectful torture. But does she know this?
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The female perspective on no MO is whatever your wife decides it is. Your part, is to decide if you do this, is it truly helpful or is it hurtful to your recovery. Is it helpful or hurtful to your marriage? Perhaps sit with her and talk about it and advantages and disadvantages.
 

SimonM

Active Member
To MO or not to MO... I don't think its the same for everyone probably. I have always said that I won't try to quit MO fully, as it helps me release the pent up energy at times and then lets me control my P urges. E.g. I MO before I find myself alone with my computer for a long time... I can then focus on actually doing something useful rather than keep thinking about P and how nice it would be to just give in.

But - I've also realized that the act of MO in itself is keeping the P addiction alive. I fantasize in P images when I do it. I can't MO to thoughts of my wife. I've always compartmentalized this in my brain somehow - avoided turning my wife into just another woman I have P fantasies about. That might be different for you and then MO might be less problematic? I also find that although MO reduced my need for P in the moment, the days after my addiction feels stronger again. So it brings some relief - cuts down a peak, but raises the baseline of sexual energy, if that makes any sense. So I am probably telling myself a bit of a fable when I claim that MO helps me control my P urges...

I would say if you can keep it up, no MO is best. But MO beats P - so if you're truly about to fail then just MO quickly without any fantasies if possible (yeah - good luck!). Just my thoughts...

Keep up the no MO! You are growing in strength as a man! :)
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
As a man at age 51 we were taught in the early 80s version of sex ed in school that "masturbation" was a perfectly normal thing to do. How does one change that mindset later in life because they became a porn addict? I find that mo is fine so does my wife.... but in our world one must weigh the values. Of course we can't do it to porn. As for doing it to the memories of porn well that's going to be something different for everyone. 2 main issues being of course 1 it keeps me from actually going to porn but will this than slow down your recovery With this I believe you are only buying time and you best be using that time to start to find ways of further curing yourself. 2 it will begin to bring those memories back to the surface so close that you can no longer tell the difference and you wind up surfing p again thus messing up your recovery I still mo on occasion and the thoughts are pretty much just of memories of my wife which she gets a bit of a kick out of.

The other main issue is one's reason for mo in the 1st place. Probably a massive debate there depending who you ask


Post often it helps me it helps you
 

GrateClips

Active Member
What you are doing is incredibly difficult. Whatever the outcome of you stay on this path you are
Hey @GrateClips - you been away? I will check your journal out.

The test I am going through is weird. I sort of know that if I MO now I will get 5 mins of heroin sort of, but that will be followed by a downer. I would get back up but I would feel like I let myself down. Someone else was talking about making the pain of recovery (actually it was some form of odd medication) your friend. So I am enjoying putting myself through the ringer.

Just driving back from delivering my son somewhere I get a day dream about my wife crawling over me naked. What do I do? Shut these thoughts out or rejoice that I am having them? Either way li pain (and therefore pleasure)!

heya! yeah been away just been really busy in life.

my personal thought is it is amazing you are having these fantasies of you and your wife, and not of other people or of porn. the roadblock you are in is you kind of have that dilemma where you are in a committed relationship but there's no sex right now. (kind of like mine.. we are somewhat similar).

have you discussed with your therapist how you can express to her how your desire for her is very great, with the fantasies?

I agree.. if you MO you'll just get a few minutes of good feelings then a release. then who knows what will happen? Will you feel down/dejected? guilty? or worse, relapse and act out? i can't answer this question for me. but if it was me, i would not MO.

I guess All I can say is keep working on yourself and your relationship.

oh and by the way isn't there the saying that women always know exactly what they are doing when it comes to their looks? W/out knowing you or the wife in person I find it a bit curious/hard to believe that she does not at some level know what she is doing when she is wearing a tight top/high shorts around the house. She probably has many options as to what she can wear.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks to you all…sorry y’all! I am not from US by the way. I appreciate your perspectives on MO. I will discuss with wife. I think it’s yet more pressure on her, but that’s just inevitably going to happen. There is a feeling I get currently from this no MO streak. I suppose you (gents) may have felt it. You feel on top of the world. It’s frustrating and almost takes your breath away but it’s also empowering. I want to burst and I could go on (but won’t for fear of triggering) and I have told my wife that all my sexual thoughts are about her. She simply denies this. Almost like she thinks it’s not possible or can’t deal with it. She sort of says that I got off looking at other women for years and so all I am doing is imagining sex with her body but not with “her”. I can say that it’s truly her until I am blue in the face, but she’s not having it. It’s the big divide at the moment. It needs discussion.

I will discuss this all with my therapist. Previously she said that I should keep my compliments to “you look beautiful in that dress” rather than ‘wow, you look so sexy in that”. My wife’s recovery is slow, but she is recovering and I adore her for sticking around. She may still leave of course. That remains a possibility.

145 days without looking at pornography. 36 days of no masturbating to orgasm.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
146 no PMO. 37 no MO.

Well an interesting day yesterday. Started with discussion about MO. Wife understanding and says it’s my call, but she likes that I am enduring something (sort of) for her. I said if it gets to bursting point then I will just go ahead and do it obviously alone but I assured her this would be to thoughts of her alone. She liked that but was otherwise pretty clinical about it. We discussed also that we’d been a bit distant in the last week. Up to a point we’re just not talking quite so freely and often. I am in this good place and progressing through my understanding but it’s no longer Lea-s and bounds. She is getting used to me and is doing it at her pace. So we’re sort of flatlining but at least we spotted it.

Anyway, the discussion brought as back on topic. I said later I was struggling with the MO issue and the best way to combat this was to do something physical so I set about a garden project. This pleased my wife immensely- almost disproportionate. Meanwhile the MO urges left. That’s obviously good but I slightly missed them. So knackered was I though, that after I showered I expected to have a semi erection as happens a lot but nothing. I even thought I would wake him up and found I couldn’t. I didn’t worry I just thought I was tired.

Later in bed I get the semi back. All a bit weird.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
148 and 39. Getting close to my pb on the no MO. Sone days that’s really hard, some days it’s easy. Yesterday was hard. The day before had been a rollercoaster. Started well, did some project totally unprompted- wife said something like she was surprised how quickly her faith was growing….something like that. Big smiles, looking absolutely effing amazing to be frank, and I was on cloud nine seeing more light at the end of the tunnel. She’s been avoiding reading the book we started on (Love you, hate the porn) and it highlighted the need for recovery to be only possible if you have connection.

Big word that. Cutting long story short it opened up wounds and she said some stuff that was very hard to hear. Necessary to hear definitely but hard. We’re working through this. She needs me more than ever right now. I feel wounded naturally but I will be as helpful as I can.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
149 days no PMO. 40 days no MO. Had a few days with no rousing erections and wondered what was going on, then yesterday I was so turned on almost all day. It drove me a bit mad. I had to start avoiding looking at my wife. That’s crazy stuff but it’s where I was yesterday. She has said she doesn’t want to know so although intuitively I thought she’d be impressed, I have to keep it to myself. Lying here in bed early in the morning after the morning glory has subsided I find my resting state is a wider girth penis slightly. Is this the no MO thing? Or am I kidding myself? Eith way it’s an added benefit so I am taking it big time!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
150 days no PMO. Woop woop. 41 days no MO. I think I have masturbated 5 or 6 times in those 150 days. This last stretch is a week away from being a record. I get urges big time and cam sometimes satisfy them but sort of semi edging. I think this is cheating by the standards of true monk mode devotees, but I am cutting myself some slack here.

I focus a huge part o my journal on my marriage but I will focus on me today (in this journal). Todays thoughts are about clarity of mind. Just been on @GrateClips journal and it shines a light on me.

Once you stare down your problem, you know it’s got to be fixed. And as this addiction is unique you’re not giving up the ecstasy of sex, you just have to make sure you get your ecstasy the right way. After a month or so of sobriety I saw so clearly. It is still hard to avoid porn or thinking about it, but It isn’t impossible.

Who am I? I know this one now.
What should my behaviour be like? Got this one too.
How will I stay on course? Because I will love the new me so much that returing to the old one would be madness
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
I do sometimes wonder just how big this problem is as a global disease. Pretty sure I have read that the medical world does not officially recognise porn and sex addiction as real. Also have a peep at this: https://medium.com/@c_smith/charting-the-porn-addiction-epidemic-2022-c05357ac1f62

Survey of 500 Americans. That’s a fair sample size I reckon but only just. You can pick out what statistics most surprise you. I am not sure if any of it surprised me. Just makes you sigh I suppose. Anyway I can pick out of that the fact that of young men (under 35) roughly two thirds of them watch porn at least a few times a week.
At my worst I wasn’t watching daily so I fit into the “a few times a week” category. My problem is/was real. The porn changed me into a weird person. My wife can’t really come to terms with the fact that he’s gone. I can’t blame her for thinking like that. It’s entirely possible that my behaviour was not just because of porn but because I hid other stuff as well. In the over 35 category 38% were watching (at least) a few times a week. So just melding the under 35s and the over 35s roughly half have got a habit and it’s probably not making them a better person. Is that scary or what?

I know my journey looks like a success story but I am not a fool. Nor am I a hero. I would like to be an example but I can’t accept that yet. I think I am really close to getting off the cycle of addiction but I cannot be complacent. I always come back to my default reason when I get those moments where I want to break out. I am a better man. I may not be fixed but I like the new guy. Why thevhell would I want the old one back?

151 and 42. We persevere. I am Getting Better Slowly.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
153 and….wait for it……1 day no MO. Gave in. It wasn’t Great to be honest. Not quite sure why not. Slightly prompted but mildly uncomfortable discussion with wife where expectations were managed again. So far from ideal. No porn fantasy used just thoughts of wife. I think this will go on like this. It was starting to dominate my thoughts and then you start to edge and then it becomes all consuming. How do monks cope?
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@Sammyjo it is a bit deflating that I gave in. In a way it feels like I have failed. I know I haven’t so I am not beating myself up. I wished I could have hung on longer but it was getting to the point where I was just seeing if I could endure it. I knew I would probably crack so I gave in at a time when it was made clear to me that there wouldn’t be an alternative for many months or possibly years. Going 90 days hard core seems like it’s a goal one should be able to reach, but maybe we men are just wired such that the endurance for some is greater than others. There….that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
@GBS Thanks for the reply. I've been thinking a lot about the subject of MO. Frankly I'm not sure how I feel about it. My husband and I haven't broached that subject yet. I think no release of any kind would be very difficult and has the potential for leading back to P (just my humble opinion). Happy for you that you were able to think about your wife though!

Guess I'll put this on my conversation list.

Keep up the good work!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
I think this is a delicate subject for a man. Maybe a wife should be able to say “do this for me”, but this is about as hard as it gets. Of all the things a wife can demand I reckon this one is pretty close to last. It’s entirely possible that’s just me speaking and others would say I have no backbone. I think my pint is I “could” do it but it gets to the point (with me) where you almost literally can’t think of anything else.

Thinking about my wife was the bit I was pleased about. That’s progress.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Sorry @Sammyjo another point - I don’t think that no MO leads back to porn, or it hasn’t been a trigger for me at all. It’s just frustration and learning (not that hard - no pun intended) to do mindful masturbation.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Thank you for that. I guess that is the question that was in the back of my mind, although I suspect whether it leads back to P varies from person to person. I think the conversation I need to have with my husband is if he thinks it would or not.
 
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