Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
- Start date
GBS
Respected Member
884 days sober
21 days no MO
Nothing happening. Family drama still front and centre. Libido is (I think consequently) very low despite three weeks of not masturbating. I couldn’t last a week before this stretch with constant fantasy working overtime, but now my brain can’t deal with all the competing messages and it’s very quiet. No intimacy for the best part of a month. Manageable but not good. Wife is being great otherwise. Odd, huh?
21 days no MO
Nothing happening. Family drama still front and centre. Libido is (I think consequently) very low despite three weeks of not masturbating. I couldn’t last a week before this stretch with constant fantasy working overtime, but now my brain can’t deal with all the competing messages and it’s very quiet. No intimacy for the best part of a month. Manageable but not good. Wife is being great otherwise. Odd, huh?
GBS
Respected Member
889 days sober
26 days no MO
26 days no MO
Thanks man. You would be way over 1000 days were it not for your little slip up in the new year.
GBS
Respected Member
This is a really important sentence. Learning and not looking back. The only sense of looking back that I find helpful is remembering what I was like at my worst and never being anything like that again. Keep on truckin’.
the_badger
Member
892 - what an impressive number!
I have been silent on here for quite a while, but I checked in from time to time to follow your journal. I was and am very happy to see, that things keep moving in the right direction with you and your wife! Even if it's going WAY slower than you'd like, the improvements are there and will lead to success inevitably.
"Victory belongs to the most tenacious" (as its inscribed at Court Philippe Chatrier in Roland Garros)
I have recommended meditation/breathwork to others a few times on the forum (as you may have noticed
). But I really believe it can be extremely beneficial. I wondered some time ago, if your wife does any of this. Now - I don't know your wife and her struggles at all, so I really don't feel in the position to give her any advice. (Depending on your relationship dynamics, even you might have a hard time giving her advice on this, I guess.
)
But from what I have read about trauma, it is deeply connected to the autonomous nervous system and things like meditation, yoga nidra, breathwork have shown to be very beneficial to calm and cure an ANS that's out of balance and subsequently speed up trauma-recovery.
With LongCov, the ANS is also completely off balance, so I have experienced first hand, how important these things are for me to get better. Very slowly, but steadily. (When I skip my sessions, I feel the negative effects after two days already.)
For example, one thing I do daily, that may sound completely ridiculous at first is "humming" for 10 min. This stimulates the vagus nerve, which is essential for balancing the ANS.
(In case you do further research on the vagus nerve - there are many other ways to stimulate it. And you might notice, seemingly everyone talks about it and a lot of self proclaimed health coaches might propose it as the magic solution for almost everything on Instagram and Youtube. I'm sure that's totally blown out of proportion. But the trustworthy sources have been there before this got such a hype.)
It's similar to the well known "Ommm" that's used in some kinds of meditation. (Also, without having researched it, I am pretty sure cats are calming themself and their ANS as well when they purr!)
As I naturally take your side in all this, I admit, I have felt a bit of frustration myself with the slow progress of your wife sometimes when I read your updates. Thinking to myself, "what's the big issue, what else can he do, to proof he has changed?".
But when I thought about the trauma - ANS connection, I realised it is of course no voluntary decision on her side. It's just the body (over)reacting due to former injury.
I myself can only say - I feel SO READY to leave LongCov behind, to be more active again. But as much as I want to recover quickly, I have no say in this. I have to keep maintaining the snail pace. Otherwise my body and my ANS shut down and I get punished for thinking I could skip one little step.
So, I might be completely wrong, drawing a connection between my own and your wife's situation. But if there's something to it, if she would try to skip one step/go to fast, her ANS might go into fight or flight mode as well, making it impossible for her to enjoy intimacy with you and relax, but to the contrary, fear it on a non-voluntary level and avoid it even more.
Maybe you know all this already, or maybe it's not on point at all.
But maybe you can take something from it, or it helps you to stay patient with the slow progress.
The good thing with slow progress is, that it is usually more permanent then fast paced improvements.
Much love and all the best, just keep doing what you're doing!
I have been silent on here for quite a while, but I checked in from time to time to follow your journal. I was and am very happy to see, that things keep moving in the right direction with you and your wife! Even if it's going WAY slower than you'd like, the improvements are there and will lead to success inevitably.
"Victory belongs to the most tenacious" (as its inscribed at Court Philippe Chatrier in Roland Garros)
I have recommended meditation/breathwork to others a few times on the forum (as you may have noticed
). But I really believe it can be extremely beneficial. I wondered some time ago, if your wife does any of this. Now - I don't know your wife and her struggles at all, so I really don't feel in the position to give her any advice. (Depending on your relationship dynamics, even you might have a hard time giving her advice on this, I guess.)But from what I have read about trauma, it is deeply connected to the autonomous nervous system and things like meditation, yoga nidra, breathwork have shown to be very beneficial to calm and cure an ANS that's out of balance and subsequently speed up trauma-recovery.
With LongCov, the ANS is also completely off balance, so I have experienced first hand, how important these things are for me to get better. Very slowly, but steadily. (When I skip my sessions, I feel the negative effects after two days already.)
For example, one thing I do daily, that may sound completely ridiculous at first is "humming" for 10 min. This stimulates the vagus nerve, which is essential for balancing the ANS.
It's similar to the well known "Ommm" that's used in some kinds of meditation. (Also, without having researched it, I am pretty sure cats are calming themself and their ANS as well when they purr!)
As I naturally take your side in all this, I admit, I have felt a bit of frustration myself with the slow progress of your wife sometimes when I read your updates. Thinking to myself, "what's the big issue, what else can he do, to proof he has changed?".
But when I thought about the trauma - ANS connection, I realised it is of course no voluntary decision on her side. It's just the body (over)reacting due to former injury.
I myself can only say - I feel SO READY to leave LongCov behind, to be more active again. But as much as I want to recover quickly, I have no say in this. I have to keep maintaining the snail pace. Otherwise my body and my ANS shut down and I get punished for thinking I could skip one little step.
So, I might be completely wrong, drawing a connection between my own and your wife's situation. But if there's something to it, if she would try to skip one step/go to fast, her ANS might go into fight or flight mode as well, making it impossible for her to enjoy intimacy with you and relax, but to the contrary, fear it on a non-voluntary level and avoid it even more.
Maybe you know all this already, or maybe it's not on point at all.
But maybe you can take something from it, or it helps you to stay patient with the slow progress.
The good thing with slow progress is, that it is usually more permanent then fast paced improvements.
Much love and all the best, just keep doing what you're doing!
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GBS
Respected Member
@the_badger - mate, this is beyond kind. I should like to respond in full but am away for long weekend but will do when I am back. Cheers.
the_badger
Member
No worries, take your time and enjoy your weekend trip! 
GBS
Respected Member
895 days sober
32 days no MO
Back from long weekend away with some old friends. Very nice indeed.
@the_badger - you made some highly supportive comments. I shall respond.
You’re a good man, Badge. Never forget that.
32 days no MO
Back from long weekend away with some old friends. Very nice indeed.
@the_badger - you made some highly supportive comments. I shall respond.
Thanks. I hope you’re right and that success is inevitable.
Well one thing’s for sure, she ain’t taking advice from me about her trauma. The second I analyse her progress she gets very defensive, so that path is not open, but your advice is very well intentioned and kind. I myself have tried meditation and am shite at it. But whatever I do I can find some serenity in it so I shall do mine own and if she decides to do nothing that’s up to her.I have recommended meditation/breathwork to others a few times on the forum (as you may have noticed
But from what I have read about trauma, it is deeply connected to the autonomous nervous system and things like meditation, yoga nidra, breathwork have shown to be very beneficial to calm and cure an ANS that's out of balance and subsequently speed up trauma-recovery.
I truly believe she isn’t trying to torture me, so I think you’re right that the decision is slightly out of her hands. I worked out some time ago that you can’t just be sober for x days and expect y reward. It doesn’t work like that. I can’t do anymore than just stay as I have become. When I get to 1000 days I won’t be telling her that. The amount time of my sobriety is just a thing and it is unconnected to her recovery. It must be frustrating to read my non success story, but trust me when I say that I am way past the normal frustrations. My state of mind doesn’t permit me to dwell on the “why not?” because it leads me precisely nowhere at all. Personally I think she needs to see therapist again but she says not. I have to wait. It is fast coming up on two and a half years. I reckon if she can’t move in in another two and a half years, I will give up.
You’re a good man, Badge. Never forget that.
the_badger
Member
Thanks for your kind words as well!
The recovery of your wife is, unfortunately, mostly out of your hands. Apart from staying patient. Although I think you are right to set some kind of end date for yourself. 2.5 years is indeed a long time already. I suspected, that your wife has a hard time to take advice on her recovery. But it's a bit of a bummer, that she doesn't want to keep doing therapy when she is obviously not yet healed.
It seems like she did most of what she did until now (couples therapy, sensate program,...) just for you and a bit reluctantly. Would be best if she would also want to heal for her own wellbeing and to get back to enjoy regular intimacy and sex for her own sake as well. But... no idea how to possibly flip that switch.
Keeping my fingers crossed for more improvements!
Your very own story is nothing but a huge success story my friend! You are closing in on 1000 days without porn. And you did not substitute with compulsive masturbation or anything else. You improved your life massively and no-one can take that from you.
The recovery of your wife is, unfortunately, mostly out of your hands. Apart from staying patient. Although I think you are right to set some kind of end date for yourself. 2.5 years is indeed a long time already. I suspected, that your wife has a hard time to take advice on her recovery. But it's a bit of a bummer, that she doesn't want to keep doing therapy when she is obviously not yet healed.
It seems like she did most of what she did until now (couples therapy, sensate program,...) just for you and a bit reluctantly. Would be best if she would also want to heal for her own wellbeing and to get back to enjoy regular intimacy and sex for her own sake as well. But... no idea how to possibly flip that switch.
Keeping my fingers crossed for more improvements!
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @the_badger - bang on. There was a temptation at first that giving up porn wasn’t that difficult, I just masturbate to fantasy. Then the penny dropped that you need to change your brain. I read around the subject and at all junctures realised the bleeding obvious. You won’t get batter if you don’t stop the thing you think you really want. Then the brain starts to change and you know you’re on the right course. Without the pain of change, there would be no substance to my recovery.
I don’t think she did it just to please me. I know she has faith in our joint recovery, just still petrified of what she’ll feel like when we’re more intimate. That’s a bit of a guess but pretty sure I am right.
The no MO thing is the core pillar of my recovery and right now I am up in the 30s for the first time in quite a while. It’s a weird feeling still. Not completely used to it although been like this for 2 and a half years. The brain still fights, just not as hard. I get closer to my fantasy world with each mounting day and that is something I struggle to suppress. There have been times when I go to the bathroom or when I am showering where I get reasonably close (not classic edging but 50%) but something stops me. I know others on here extol the virtues of this form of abstinence. It isn’t for everyone but it’s worth trying if only to experience something you may never have experienced before in your life. It’s a mixture of utter agony and utter joy. Did I sell it ?
897 days sober
34 days no MO
the_badger
Member
That's good! (Sounds like the "ANS problem" again to me. But of course, it's still an uneducated guess of a non-expert.)
No MO is extremely important for me as well. When I started to realise I have a porn problem, over 10 years ago, I would have thought it's crazy and unhealthy to abstain from masturbation and fantasy to that extent. But more and more I realised, it's just a different flavour, but it does the very same thing to my brain.
I don't count the "no mo days" in my journal anymore. If I give "no mo" too much importance, it becomes all about going 90 days hard mode. And I am a perfectionist at heart, so when I fail that, it makes me feel too bad and like I failed completely already, increasing the chances to escalate further. I hope, limiting my MOs to a short timeframe once a week and only if necessary will relief me from the pressure of trying to not masturbate anymore forever (or 90 days which feels like forever). Let's see how that goes. For now it works in the regard, that I don't think about it much.
GBS
Respected Member
Boy, is this ever my favourite subject. I totally get the not counting thing. I am not sure I can really argue why I do count, but I do. To me it’s all about the neural pathways. I am unable to practice what is called mindful masturbation. My brain won’t let me. It’s like it’s saying “you can’t do this enjoyable exercise and not give yourself the best time doing it”, so I lapse into healthy fantasy. But I have found it can be dangerous because I know it’s not far from the slippery slope and so I just try and wait as long as possible.
For most of us, like 99.9% I guess, not masturbating is a totally different life. Our wives/partners don’t understand how big the change is (if we go from multiple times a week to perhaps twice a month or less). But for a man, this is psychologically and physically one of the hardest things you can do. It can seem like torture at times, but the consequences are astonishing. You have to wait to experience them, but when you do start feeling different you know it was because you had the backbone to do it and connecting the pain with the gain, which your addled brain will do, means it starts to become a habit. That’s the beginning of the search for the promised land.
Thanks for sharing @the_badger - I reckon you have the tools to go the distance.
898 days sober
35 days no MO