Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
948 days sober
19 days no MO

Been extremely busy this last 10 days and been working on a charity event that is my wife’s thing. It should afford me a few more points in the bank, but no sign. I know there may be several of you out there wondering why I stick around. The short answer is hope and love. The long answer is just hope and love explained in detail.

Got a mini job interview today. Thanks for all your support gents.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Good luck in the interview Gibbers!
Keep going, @GBS! Hope the interview went well.
Thanks @PrometheusUnbound and @Percival - I got the job. Found out about an hour after the audition so that’s very uplifting and pleasing.

950 days sober
21 days no MO

Had mini row with wife day before yesterday. She complained I am still not picking stuff up. She says she’s a maid. She has a point but it certainly isn’t how she says it is. So we were a bit combative because that’s our nature. I said we do intimacy so infrequently it feels like she sees it as a chore. She went very quiet. The argument fizzled out and we carried on our lives. She was lovely yesterday but we were very busy. Not sure what will happen today but I am guessing something will happen.

Thanks for reading this and your general stellar support everyone.
 

Freerider

Active Member
Thanks @PrometheusUnbound and @Percival - I got the job. Found out about an hour after the audition so that’s very uplifting and pleasing.

950 days sober
21 days no MO

Had mini row with wife day before yesterday. She complained I am still not picking stuff up. She says she’s a maid. She has a point but it certainly isn’t how she says it is. So we were a bit combative because that’s our nature. I said we do intimacy so infrequently it feels like she sees it as a chore. She went very quiet. The argument fizzled out and we carried on our lives. She was lovely yesterday but we were very busy. Not sure what will happen today but I am guessing something will happen.

Thanks for reading this and your general stellar support everyone.
Sometimes i got camplaining from my wife and i think most important is that she will be heard. So i listen, i dont explain, i say i hear this and this. Can you explain little more this. How you feel it? If i get answers and conversation i am half way to building something maybe good from that complaining. Of course i have to fix some habit or so something if (when) there is something.. keep going, everything will go good direction in our lives.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Sometimes i got camplaining from my wife and i think most important is that she will be heard. So i listen, i dont explain, i say i hear this and this. Can you explain little more this. How you feel it? If i get answers and conversation i am half way to building something maybe good from that complaining.
Thanks @Freerider - good advice. I will listen more. Even more.

951 days sober
22 days no MO ….Getting the no MO twitch. Hard to battle against. I know there’s nothing wrong with the occasional release, just the thought of joining the slippery downward slope of more M dissuades me from a casual release. That said the obsessive no MO quest can be harmful too. Common sense will have to play a hand.

My new job will have me working (very part time) with some women and men mainly in their 40s and 50s. In the old days I would have relished the opportunity to be over charming/borderline flirting with the women, thinking or knowing they thought I was wonderful. A horrible old trait of mine. It has receded almost completely but inside, as this is the first overt opportunity in 2 years, I can feel there is still some small urge deep in my brain saying “there’s no harm, just be lovely and they will think you’re lovely, and you will enjoy the dopamine hit”. I am not going there. Just saying it out loud right here, right now.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Congrats on the job, @GBS! It's good that you recognize the temptations that come with the job: half the battle and all that. Changing yourself is the hardest thing that any of us will ever do.
Thanks @Percival - being honest with oneself is so critical. Being honest to others is actually easier. I am watching out for the challenge. I am changed just not completely. The incomplete bit fights hard to stay unchanged. I shall tell it to fuck right off.

953 days sober
24 days no MO
 

GBS

Respected Member
955 days sober
26 days no MO

Massive libido and urges to MO. Resisting but using up all my powers to do that. Fantasies keep coming into my head. All good ones about wife and nothing on the deviant scale, but whilst I like them I know the fantasies are a part of the problem. I tried applying the 3 second rule to them but it just doesn’t work 🤷
 

Percival

Active Member
955 days sober
26 days no MO

Massive libido and urges to MO. Resisting but using up all my powers to do that. Fantasies keep coming into my head. All good ones about wife and nothing on the deviant scale, but whilst I like them I know the fantasies are a part of the problem. I tried applying the 3 second rule to them but it just doesn’t work 🤷

I've tried fantasies about my wife too, and while they're certainly better than fantasies about other women, they're still just fantasies and not reality, and so unhelpful.

It's a big encouragement to me to see you still working at it!
 

GBS

Respected Member
I've tried fantasies about my wife too, and while they're certainly better than fantasies about other women, they're still just fantasies and not reality, and so unhelpful.

It's a big encouragement to me to see you still working at it!
Thanks @Percival - it’s quite difficult to work on not fantasising because it seems like it’s all I have, and it doesn't, in the cold light of day, seem to be too bad a crime. In fact my fantasy world has changed massively for the 2 years and seven months of my recovery, so my brain is saying “go ahead with your new soft porn wife related thoughts, way better than your mixed up thoughts of before” and that’s the problem. Still a reward dopamine related thing.

Not going to be too hard on myself.

957 days sober
28 days no MO
 

GBS

Respected Member
960 days sober
31 days no MO

Spent an evening with my brother. Just realised how uncomplicated my life is in comparison. The word for class to discuss today is….….
…..wait for it….

perspective

I want your essays on my desk by Thursday lunchtime at the latest. Class dismissed.
 

GBS

Respected Member
961 days sober
32 days no MO

Here’s the winning short essay on the word perspective.

Perspective

Apart from a few things about coping with abstinence, I would say that my number one tip to anyone trying to change their lives by dealing with porn addiction, is realising there is no place for self pity. I think it’s very difficult to go through life without feeling sorry for oneself, but catching oneself doing it and ensuring there is no wallowing in self pity is a thing to look out for. I am still working on it. So much of this journey is about understanding the problem and seeing it for what it is, a brain injury that gets better but needs constant attention. It’s as simple and complicated as that. Perspective, right?

Life is good at the moment albeit getting very used to having static progression on the intimacy side of things. Dealing with issues related to my brother. He’s not in a good place but he is seeing a therapist and so he is slowly getting better.
 

Percival

Active Member
I would say that my number one tip to anyone trying to change their lives by dealing with porn addiction, is realising there is no place for self pity.

I agree, although I'd go one step farther and say that this whole journey is one of developing self-discipline. Our higher minds know that self-pity doesn't work, and neither does indulging in whatever the temptation of the moment is (which we often justify self-pityingly). There isn't really much difference between porn addicts like us and gluttons or alcoholics or drug addicts: all of us want something and can't say no to ourselves. Or, more commonly, can't say no consistently. Only there's less public sympathy for us (see the self-pity there?!).

All that said, good on you for developing your perspective, mate! Much of the good life is always pushing ourselves to be better.
 
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