Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
The man right here. Kicking ass and taking names. Thank you so much, @GBS, for being a shining light to us all and truly putting this nonsense behind you. You've been a great help to me, and to many here. I am thrilled for your continued success and that you've stayed with your Lady through thick and thin. It's inspiring on many levels. I think you're right on the money with the whole masturbation aspect of this also. I too follow that same philosophy (it's right up there with Plato) and it seems to work for me. There's just too much historical baggage to even go there without thinking about the other side to it, that is, porn.

Keep walking the walk my dear friend.
Love,
Blondie
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Congrats on the 3 years, @GBS. I agree on the MO thing, as it's the same effect for me.

Sorry it's the way it is with your 'better-half', many women just process our male struggles too personally, when often times it's not even really about the sex for us..., but wishing you both wholeness and happiness.
 
Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Congratulations 🥳🎉😎 on the three years! You are an inspiration to many, which is a good thing. You have shown that you can indeed change priorities in life. I have appreciated your patience with your wife. I know that is difficult. Some women just have a tough time working through the swamp of emotions. After many years I can finally speak of how I felt truthfully without fear of him walking away. I think also when we sincerely feel we have the one great man of all and it turns out he prefers something else it just slays some of us. I hope that it gets better for both of you as you continue on. I know it has for me. Thank you too for staying here and helping others and living your example!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Blondie said:
I think you're right on the money with the whole masturbation aspect of this also. I too follow that same philosophy (it's right up there with Plato) and it seems to work for me. There's just too much historical baggage to even go there without thinking about the other side to it, that is, porn.
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Thanks @Blondie - amongst other extremely kind words, I do think the urge to MO is the so-called elephant in the room. We men all sort of learned it when we were 12-15 years old and then many years later trying to unpick that habit is, very understandably, difficult. Thanks again for your kind words, continued support and close friendship.

Phineas 808 said:
Congrats on the 3 years, @GBS. I agree on the MO thing, as it's the same effect for me.

Sorry it's the way it is with your 'better-half', many women just process our male struggles too personally, when often times it's not even really about the sex for us..., but wishing you both wholeness and happiness.
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And thanks to you also @Phineas 808 - staying patient with the wife has been another tricky challenge but actually, although tricky, it’s now embedded within me so not a battle just something I am learning to be serene about. Thanks for your kind words and support also.

Gracie said:
Congratulations 🥳🎉😎 on the three years! You are an inspiration to many, which is a good thing. You have shown that you can indeed change priorities in life. I have appreciated your patience with your wife. I know that is difficult. Some women just have a tough time working through the swamp of emotions. After many years I can finally speak of how I felt truthfully without fear of him walking away. I think also when we sincerely feel we have the one great man of all and it turns out he prefers something else it just slays some of us. I hope that it gets better for both of you as you continue on. I know it has for me. Thank you too for staying here and helping others and living your example!
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And lastly many thanks to you @Gracie - you have been ever present whilst I have been here and you have been kind throughout. The female perspective is very important to understand and you have helped me be more empathetic which has in turn made my wife respect me a bit more. Thanks again - please never leave the forum. It is possibly the only thing I don’t like about this place - it invites women but probably doesn’t look after them well enough and so predictably they don’t stay. Thanks again, lady.

Little bit of family strife with my elderly mother and even older step father struggling. Will be a focus of my Saturday trying to talk some sense to them…..and of all the tricky things above, this is right up there I can assure you!

1,098 days sober
58 days no MO
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
You're welcome, GBS.

I want to add to what I said above, on how women process our (male) struggles "too personally"- that may sound like a fault, but it is not. This is how men versus women are built or created, and there's no fault there. The male has his struggles based on his male physiology/psychology, and does with this rightly or wrongly; and the female responds to this according to her physiological and psychological make up, and does with this rightly or wrongly- no fault.

A man can be caught up in his struggles, and it may not be about his significant other at all, it may not (and often is not) be even about the sex at all. It's often just about him trying to assuage the emptiness, pain and trauma in his life, and the existential meaninglessness he may be feeling, and trying to escape or insulate himself from through surges of dopamine.

But the woman taking this as a betrayal and rejection of herself is understandable and natural. It is, after all, other women that are being objectified and used by her partner, albeit via pixelated images. And here is the divine design revealed, because this ought to illicit a love from the male, enabling him to step outside of himself, and love someone other than himself.

I have often thought concerning my own struggles, even in understanding underlying issues and mitigating factors, that P and MO are extremely selfish actions. Not saying this to bring shame, but to say how unnatural it all is, given that we as men are designed to love women- our woman- selflessly. And, that is part of the healing process, toward ourselves- and toward our marriages.
 
Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Phineas 808 said:
You're welcome, GBS.

I want to add to what I said above, on how women process our (male) struggles "too personally"- that may sound like a fault, but it is not. This is how men versus women are built or created, and there's no fault there. The male has his struggles based on his male physiology/psychology, and does with this rightly or wrongly; and the female responds to this according to her physiological and psychological make up, and does with this rightly or wrongly- no fault.

A man can be caught up in his struggles, and it may not be about his significant other at all, it may not (and often is not) be even about the sex at all. It's often just about him trying to assuage the emptiness, pain and trauma in his life, and the existential meaninglessness he may be feeling, and trying to escape or insulate himself from through surges of dopamine.

But the woman taking this as a betrayal and rejection of herself is understandable and natural. It is, after all, other women that are being objectified and used by her partner, albeit via pixelated images. And here is the divine design revealed, because this ought to illicit a love from the male, enabling him to step outside of himself, and love someone other than himself.

I have often thought concerning my own struggles, even in understanding underlying issues and mitigating factors, that P and MO are extremely selfish actions. Not saying this to bring shame, but to say how unnatural it all is, given that we as men are designed to love women- our woman- selflessly. And, that is part of the healing process, toward ourselves- and toward our marriages.
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I just want to say remember as you wait for the wife to heal, or deal with what has happened, you must remember you need to forgive yourself as you take your steps forward. If you don’t, I think the shame can be overwhelming. My husband had to work on this. So if there is something that triggers me, he senses that and has shame. When really I want him to say I love you. We may not want a hug, but I love you helps so much. Remember if your with someone you are a team.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
You're welcome, GBS.

I want to add to what I said above, on how women process our (male) struggles "too personally"- that may sound like a fault, but it is not. This is how men versus women are built or created, and there's no fault there. The male has his struggles based on his male physiology/psychology, and does with this rightly or wrongly; and the female responds to this according to her physiological and psychological make up, and does with this rightly or wrongly- no fault.

A man can be caught up in his struggles, and it may not be about his significant other at all, it may not (and often is not) be even about the sex at all. It's often just about him trying to assuage the emptiness, pain and trauma in his life, and the existential meaninglessness he may be feeling, and trying to escape or insulate himself from through surges of dopamine.

But the woman taking this as a betrayal and rejection of herself is understandable and natural. It is, after all, other women that are being objectified and used by her partner, albeit via pixelated images. And here is the divine design revealed, because this ought to illicit a love from the male, enabling him to step outside of himself, and love someone other than himself.

I have often thought concerning my own struggles, even in understanding underlying issues and mitigating factors, that P and MO are extremely selfish actions. Not saying this to bring shame, but to say how unnatural it all is, given that we as men are designed to love women- our woman- selflessly. And, that is part of the healing process, toward ourselves- and toward our marriages.
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Thanks @Phineas 808 - I didn’t know which bit of yours to highlight so I did the lot! Good stuff. You write so well. I completely understand. I moved on from the shame and guilt within a year. However my wife’s slower progress has brought that back to the surface a few times and I have to remind myself of what I have become and not bathe in self pity. Thanks for your words.

You allude also to selfless love which I strive to do despite sometimes not getting more than a suspicious glare back. But in my healing I have forgiven myself and desperately tried not to make that forgiveness some form of badge of honour. Thanks again for your on point views.
Gracie said:
I just want to say remember as you wait for the wife to heal, or deal with what has happened, you must remember you need to forgive yourself as you take your steps forward. If you don’t, I think the shame can be overwhelming. My husband had to work on this. So if there is something that triggers me, he senses that and has shame. When really I want him to say I love you. We may not want a hug, but I love you helps so much. Remember if you’re with someone you are a team.
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and thanks @Gracie - an extension to what @Phineas 808 said. I don’t think I drive myself to shame and guilt but I have been shoved pretty close to it I can tell you. Thanks again for your wisdom.

1,099 days sober
59 days no MO
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
1,012 days sober
5 days no MO

I met a new guy at our SAA meeting last Tuesday. He’s 25. Says his problem is all pornography. Says he is allowing himself two MOs per week while he weens himself off. I said good for you, but be aware of the dangers if keeping the neural pathways wide open. He asked what I was on about and I just said read up on YBOP Gary Wilson’s research. He said he would but was very nervous about being mentally forced to go the full monk mode (my words). We shall see….keep you updated. First big step for him is coming back next week.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
1,015 days sober
8 days no MO

I sponsor two people in their recovery at SAA fellowship. Both going through turmoil. Confidentiality forbids me to say more, but I did realise both had forgotten what I think the key thing is to learn. We damaged our brains or put another way, we trained our brains to show us easy ways to get our dopamine fix. We never resisted. Literally millions of people have fallen into this trap, whether it be porn, or just internet use. I don’t know if online gaming counts as an addiction but doubtless it’s a way to get a fix of sorts. Harmless if one does it occasionally, as indeed porn probably is. Thing is/was for me - controlling the usage was nigh on impossible. You tell yourself that watching something on your own isn’t hurting anyone else, but (and I am fully aware of the harm I did to my wife) what we did was hurt ourselves. Resistance was futile until we reached rock bottom. Millions will go this way.

This I explained to my sponsees. So easy to explain, so hard for them to action. But there is hope.
 
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