Thanks
@Gracie. The male perspective on the partner devastation is probably something that varies a lot. There will be some who think their wives should just move on….come on get a grip, every man on earth watches porn, it’s normal behaviour these days. But I know that my wife is really really hurting. I know what I am doing is right and she has been so wonderful in taking time out from her own recovery to tell me that I am changing. So the progress is slow and that’s the way it should be as I also slowly recover myself and I grow daily more aware of how I devastated my wife. My increased understanding and awareness brings us closer and helps us both.
I am twice the man I was 3 months ago. There are so many men and women out there with some form of porn addiction and they’re keeping it from their partners. The married ones will be damaging their relationships hugely. But I am an optimist because the new person I have become is a vast improvement on the old one. So oddly I am glad this all came out because being open about is part of how I recover and become this better new person. The downside was/is the pain and suffering of my darling wife- and that’s the problem right there. We have not recovered yet and my wife has not made any promises. She could tell me she can’t cope any day….and she could just end it all. That would be devastating for me, but how can I possibly complain. We going through this together but we don’t know we’ll succeed because to succeed we need us both to recover.
i really like your story and your honesty/vulnerability. i am younger than you and know what it feels like to look at/be attracted to other women. heck all of are here, that is just how men are wired (!) but women are not wired that way and it really hurts them when they realize you do not think of them as number 1.
You're getting close to day 90 which is a huge accomplishment.
I would say this to you. I think your wife still loves you deep down. She would have left if she hadn't. I think she probably also would want to be with you again sexually too but she's probably deciding if its worth the emotional risk of you relapsing.
Just keep working on this and working on your self too, mentally physically emotionally. Its been often said that as a man starts to work on himself he displays a different aura. Women of all sorts of stripes can pick up on this. Your own wife too. I think she will if you self improve start to view you differently. Right now she is hoping/rooting for you to do so (but she'll never tell you - women always try to keep the man guessing when it comes to sex its a huge bargaining chip for them in a relationship).
Its also been said and I can attest to this personally, that if you self improve and other women notice, temptations can start there to.
Be careful and keep journaling