Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Libido not high yesterday. Brain sometimes says “don’t stare at her tits (my wife’s), it will just bring on some pain” and then it says “stare at them and see if you can get yourself horny again or you may have lost your sex life completely”. Thanks brain!
Yeah. I totally understand that feeling and fear. I go through it too. Our body has forgotten what it's like to just be a male in "normal" mode and that mode scares us! The longer we're in it, the more I hope we'll see that it's alright to live that way :) In fact more than alright!
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @SimonM - bang on. What’s normal? I don’t actually know. And with today’s kids brought up that porn is part of normal life, errr…what is the normal we are on about? Favourite emoji: 🤷
 

GrateClips

Active Member
235 days no porn
83 hard mode days

Been reading a lot of the partners’ threads. It’s slightly self pity and negative indulgence but it also keeps me grounded and when my wife is being less communicating (which she is) it sort of allows me to stay sane and adult. I was tempted to throw in my two pennies’ worth on one thread, but I thought I would say it here.

We addicts don’t have a leg to stand on. We can easily be torn down. We have only a small perspective of the damage we caused. We probably are very hard to trust and forgive. BUT forgiveness is a gift NOT to the person you are forgiving but to yourself. If you’re a partner reading this and it sounds like horse shit, perhaps don;t read on. I am not trying to bail us out. We, as I said, don’t have a leg to stand on. We kicked you, and you can kick us back. Maybe things will never be the same again. BUT possibly they will. We’re trying. We’re trying so hard. I am not one who cries much, but I have been really close. My wife is devastated. She says it’s going to take a long time.

I could say: I didn’t have a real life affair, I only looked occasionally, I was out of control, everyone does it…..but I didn’t say those things. I said I WILL FIX THIS.

I will not say I have fixed it yet, but 235 days is a good start. She hasn’t left. There is hope. Cliché alert, time is a good healer.

I think my message is this: those of us who are committed to the revolution and are utterly determined to get rid of the porn devil (mine is a 45 year off and on relationship) do actually deserve something, even something from the most hurt partners. Something. It’s a start. We both need healing and actually we both need empathy.

This is very hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I get validation on here which is of course very uplifting. My wife just says - keep going. That’s enough. That’s called “real life”.

One more week to complete the hard mode reboot. Testicles are the size of golf balls and possibly a little tougher. Yikes. Serious horny feeling this morning. Drove me mad.

so replying to this since i've been away a while. i agree. w/ you wholeheartedly your 2nd paragraph. The addict has little idea and regard for the damage that they can cause, even the secret life type of addict that you and i are. i think for that reason the spouse is completely blindsided when the secret life is revealed. as opposed to say the long standing addict who is not that hard to detect has a say alcohol or gambling habit.

something i didn't do, but my therapist says is an option is a so-called formal disclosure. its done with the therapist's guidance .

also are you guys in counseling?
 

GrateClips

Active Member
let me add further. given your side of things 238 + days etc you have clearly made a commitment to change. following is my opinion. you do not deserve sex from her -- let me clarify sex is not something anyone ever deserves, its a mutual act. but i would argue you deserve , or would benefit from, her giving you something on her end as far as communication. MOre than just "keep it up". how to get this from her though is tricky. Hence why I asked are you in counseling? either individual or couples.

as a fellow married man in hardcore mode but abstinent from sex in the relationship, i can tell you that one of my primary goals is to demonstrate to myself and my wife that sex is an important part of the relationship but not the only thing i view her for. so i can certainly sympathize with you - you and i want sex, but our wives are vulnerable and guarded and thus not ready to give that part of themselves yet.

where you and i differ though is i think my wife is a bit more communicative about where she and i stand with each other. Not as much as I'd like (see my journal ) but a lot more than yours.

Obviously women and people are all different in general. I have no idea who your wife is and what she is like personality wise.

but i do think as a married couple communication is super important. However for something like this there is avery delicate way to handle this. i for one would not one to be the one to tell you how to broach this subject. perhaps a female who reads your journal or a counselor would be better equipped.

communicate your need in the wrong way and come off insensitive, can cause a setback i would think.

anyways i want to be careful in not offering you direct advice, but rather my viewpoint on your situation. hope that wasn't confusing for you.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @GrateClips

we are both in therapy. Hers is every three weeks, mine is every week. Part of me thinks it she the other way round. You are right I don’t deserve sex. That’s a given. I do deserve something more than “keep going”. I don’t know how to get that. Her mantra is that she’s doing this slowly. I can’t make her go faster. I think she gets validation from her therapy and the right to dictate the pace. I think her therapist should lean on her a bit more, but I just can’t say that. It’s a frustrating stand off. We do have chats but every one is initiated by me. She is a stone wall some of the time. It is not easy. In fact sometimes it is almost too hard to bear.

But I do bear. I have to. I talk to my therapist about this very dynamic and I get a reality check. This is a slow process and some people need way more time than the 8 months we have been in therapy. I get it. I really do. But it is incredibly testing. Complain and I often get short shrift.

We persevere.

239 no pmo
87 no mo
 

GrateClips

Active Member
yes in situations of couples trying to reconcile both have their own recovery track. Your wife has hers, my wife has hers. Addicts by nature look for the quick fix. So when we think we are a little better we want everything back to normal - happy wife, great sex, everything is back to normal.

you are right you cannot and should not say her therapist needs to lean on her or pressure her in any way. Will have unintended probably bad consequences.

The stone wall you describe i can see. My wife doesn't quite go that far but she is very guarded - in her case she is trying to protect herself and also to move past the pain of hearing that her husband routinely found sexual relief from women other than herself even if it was not any real physical affair. My previous therapist asked if roles were reversed and i basically found she was doing what I was doing how would I feel? so with that concept in mind i readily accepted that i can only accept that she will recover on her own time, probably slowly

but yeah maybe some sort of check in periodically to discuss where things are at. almost seems like it should be done with the therapist in there... i think i get the sense you are seeing separate therapists.

tricky situation. the hardest thing to hear but just keep working on yourself. its all you can control ultimately.
 

Jlied

Active Member
yes in situations of couples trying to reconcile both have their own recovery track. Your wife has hers, my wife has hers. Addicts by nature look for the quick fix. So when we think we are a little better we want everything back to normal - happy wife, great sex, everything is back to normal.

you are right you cannot and should not say her therapist needs to lean on her or pressure her in any way. Will have unintended probably bad consequences.

The stone wall you describe i can see. My wife doesn't quite go that far but she is very guarded - in her case she is trying to protect herself and also to move past the pain of hearing that her husband routinely found sexual relief from women other than herself even if it was not any real physical affair. My previous therapist asked if roles were reversed and i basically found she was doing what I was doing how would I feel? so with that concept in mind i readily accepted that i can only accept that she will recover on her own time, probably slowly

but yeah maybe some sort of check in periodically to discuss where things are at. almost seems like it should be done with the therapist in there... i think i get the sense you are seeing separate therapists.

tricky situation. the hardest thing to hear but just keep working on yourself. its all you can control ultimately.
I have to agree with @GrateClips here, just like we each have our own time table of recovery they will as will. We want out of the dog house as fast as possible but we can’t rush them either. Communication is very important through this process. You have to be able to express your feelings and she has to be able to express hers and both parties need to be able to listen and be slow to react. For my wife and I that played a major role in our ability to mend and move forward.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I appreciate that you three above are patient with your wives. We wives, for the most part, have experienced a real shift in our marriage dynamic while the addiction was going on. Right before I discovered his use, I was approaching 60 and I thought is this what happens with age, we become roommates? I knew there wasn’t an affair, no time. But we weren’t doing things together and sex occurred only when I asked. So once we started working on what to and where to go in our marriage, my brain and emotions would go all over the place. I would make one day goals for myself. I won’t cry today. I won’t talk to him about it today. I will feel safe today. And a lot of times, it worked and a lot of times not. And he would get irritated and say can’t we just move past it? And I could not. With time, I was able to see that I could be with him and not think every woman he saw out or on tv was someone he wanted to see naked. With time he stopped looking at women’s butts, and it was all women. With time he stopped looking at women with long hair. (I have very short hair). With time he actually looked at me when we were out and talking. But again it was all one day at a time. So hats off to you! You are doing this the right way!
 

Jlied

Active Member
Thank you @Gracie, it’s had to accept you can’t fix the emotional state of your partner sometimes. As men were fixers and we want to fix things when we see they aren’t right, but unfortunately it’s out of our hands in these cases. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @GrateClips @Gracie and @Jlied - progress pace is really tricky. And when it’s slow and you hit a bump in the road it can seem like you’ve gone back months in the progress cycle. So there are all sorts of problems that exacerbate other problems. But being a responsible adult is the most important thing and a responsible supportive husband. I adore my wife, even the annoying bits. The bits that she possibly thinks I don;t like about her are the things that make her who she is so I love them too. Yes, I have told her all this.

I respect how long this takes. It could literally be years, but I shall endure.
240 no porn
88 hard monk mode
 

GBS

Respected Member
241 days no porn
89 days monk mode

Went on a day trip today with son looking at university. Such an excellent distraction from the near agony of monk mode. If my abstinence sounds like I have this all sorted, you’re wrong. It’s difficult. It was easier from about 45 to 80 days (relatively) but now I just can’t really go to the toilet without noticing a certain swollen quality of both balls and penis. But I need to get to 90. Not quite sure why….it’s just a number….but I will.

I am 99% certain what I am doing on the 91st day 🤷
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Hey @GBS, we haven’t spoken for a while, but I’ve still been following your journey.

I’m curious to know what your Wife’s thoughts are on you being in hardmode for 90 days? What’s her view on MO in general?
I’ve been doing a type of hardmode myself for the last few weeks, well the woman version, and man I take my hat off to you, dudes it’s really bloody hard!!!!!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
90 days @GBS, that's amazing! I haven't done that long since I was probably in my early 20s. I'm glad you had a good trip with your son.

You are indeed a monk!
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie

@Beautiful1973 - short version (no it isn’t!) first 4 months I was giving my wife a lot of feedback on my recovery. Mine was fast, extremely rewarding. Hers was (and is) slow. She said after 4 months that I was being a little needy and she needed to focus on her recovery. I had told her I was hardly masturbating at all and when I was it was to thoughts of her (true….certainly from about 2 months). She said she liked that, but she wasn’t exactly effusive. Since then (early July) I MO’d once in early August, and then decided to go monk mode without saying a word. So she doesn’t know. I don’t think she wanted to know and out of respect I didn’t mention it. She has no idea.

Congrats on your own abstinence. I would say I don’t understand what the female version is like, presuming as I do that women don’t masturbate with the same frequency as men, and you don’t have balls filling up Issues. Excuse the crudeness or even my ignorance. I have no idea if my wife has been masturbating all this time. If I say I hope she has I will trigger myself! Keep going, girl. Nice to talk again. F eel free to elaborate on yours but beware triggering…..not sure what emoji works…..let’s see……😳

@Blondie - just for complete clarity, my likeness to monk is like my likeness to a lamp post. I am no lamp post for sure. I have found this to be one of the biggest mind fucks of my life. It will be interesting to see if thicker and longer penis syndrome (from henceforth TLPS) prevails after I give in, which I will in 24 hours. It’s currently baby’s arm sized. I would say impressive but as no one will be able to testify on my behalf, you have to take my word for it. We shall see what happens. I will , of course, report back.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
It will be interesting to see if thicker and longer penis syndrome (from henceforth TLPS) prevails after I give in, which I will in 24 hours. It’s currently baby’s arm sized.
Rolling on the floor laughing, your dry wit cracks me up🤣🤣🤣
presuming as I do that women don’t masturbate with the same frequency as men
Ummm….. I blow that stereotype out of the water….. I say no more in fear of triggering someone😬😬😬

I look forward to hearing how things progress over the next few days😉
 

GBS

Respected Member
242 days no porn
90 days hard core

Thanks @Nico @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie and indeed all my other pals on here.

The 90 day thing: proud…yes. Will I continue the streak (read below)? What did I learn? Well it’s just a number so I learned a lot before I got here. I can clearly be belligerent and I have will power. My brain was already doing well with my 200+ no porn days. Since mid Feb I have probably masturbated 6/7/8 times tops. So the education hasn’t all been in the last couple of months. I feel liberation and also intense frustration and power. Lots of feelings ranging from serenity to bite your arm off pain. My dick is bigger. That’s through not masturbating much at all rather than complete abstinence.

Today has ended unsatisfactorily with a slight row with Mrs GBS. Last few days have been amazing then I drop the smallest of balls and it’s like nothing I did right counts. I don’t mind as much as I used to (a few months ago) so my blood pressure isn’t raised too much. More a feeling of sadness. Sometimes I rate the chances of pulling through at 95% and sometimes it’s lowered to 50% or so. I am lower right n… Tomorrow may be better- it goes up and down.

Upon reaching 90 days….today would be my 91st…..I released. Very nice thanks, but not quite the flood, or Vesuvius erupting…..got there too quickly. Erection was only 80% for some reason and still I (obviously) came very swiftly. Calm feeling afterwards, no guilt,no disappointment, just relaxed.

TLPS still with me. Much relief about that.

That was a busy weekend. So many reasons.
 

GBS

Respected Member
243 days no porn

Obviously broke my monk mode streak, and whilst I am starting again, I won’t count. Attitude to masturbation is very confusing right now. I think that saying, as I did, that I want to be able to have a life without it is all very well but I do need a woman involved. Obviously I have one, just you know what….. So I am going to try a sort of abstinent life but not going to the pressure point. Thing is I am not defining what pressure is so I have no idea what the end result will be.

Wife is really confusing me right now. I simply have no idea where she’s at. I have asked and the answer is getting better but real slow. Now leave me alone please. Therapist will get the same earache this week. What do I do please Dr Therapist? Be patient. Yes, really.

@harpoon had a picture on his journal showing a porn addled brain and a heroin addled brain. It’s from a site called https://conquerseries.com/trying-harder-doesnt-work

Have a read…..I liked this bit “Watching porn is not about sex as much as it is about how you’ve learned to medicate the pain in your life. Most men trapped in this bondage have been doing it since they were children. They’ve been medicating the pain on the inside for a long time and it happens so automatically they don’t even think about it.”. It is similar to a lot of the other brain and porn essays, but it’s highly readable.

Meanwhile I will have to satisfy myself with the thoughts of my wife naked. That’s all I have left in my brain for fantasy. It feels good and depressing in equal proportions. Why doesn’t she want me to play with her? Don’t answer that….the thought depresses me.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
on the bright side - you haven't watched porn coming in on a year. you are markedly more self aware now than you were before all this. you have better self control, much better for that matter.

i don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but you should probably do an inventory of where you relationship was like before you were caught with porn. Because just like porn is trying to address the greater pain inside, your relationship (and mine too) is more than just what it was before i disclosed to my wife about porn.

are there other things between the two of you your wife wished were better even before she found out about your PMO?
 
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