Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
289 days

Been on a mini break from RN. No real reason, just busy. I suppose though that actually I am not in a great place so I think coming on here and vomiting it out would possibly have made me feel worse.

Truth is, despite my ongoing sobriety and no masturbation hard mode resolve, my wife has been generally quite difficult recently. Easy to pop psychoanalyse and say she’s at a real crossroads and that manifests itself as anger. She does possess the tongue of a viper, and I get stung this week. The following line was my favourite (sarcasm): if I sleep with you, you will just have got away with all this, you know.

Now, whilst that’s hard to hear, I do cling onto the upside. I think she is giving me a hard time because it’s hard fir her and she needs to deflect the pain. She is not good at trusting so this is hard for her. She also repeated a mantra of hers that she’s making me zero promises and just taking this a day at a time. I did hunker down and get a little depressed with a thought this could be our last Christmas together. I am not given to tears but I shed one. I had to tell her that I was low and worried this was a difficult Christmas fir the obv reasons (above). She was quick to soothe realising I think that she’d gone pretty hard on me. In fact yesterday we went and did some shit Christmas stocking shopping together and she grabbed my arm which is very nice and unlike her.

I do NOT write these things to elicit sympathy from you, my friends. I just need to get it out there that the battle against pornography continues with other things going on. That’s what life us like when you have an addiction.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
No problem taking a little break @GBS, I've been doing that a little bit myself these days. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with Mrs. GBS, I know these things take time for healing, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It's a crazy thing, because on one hand, we have ourselves to worry about as we try to make good changes to our lives, while on the other, theirs's the relationship factor, and all that that entails. We are faced with two roads before us, that unfortunately don't always meet at the same crossroads, or at the very least, not at our preferred time.

I know whatever happens between you two, you will pull through and stay the course.

You're a hell of an inspiration. Thanks for all your encouragement.

Love ya

Blondie
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
You know, she's thinking about sleeping with you. That's what prompted that comment. It means it's on her mind and she is considering the options. :)

I don't know how you respond to these barbs from her, but at some point you will have to stop being so apologetic and say "yes, that's true. I will never be able to change that, but what I can promise is that I will never go back to who I used to be. If you want to spend the rest of your life with me then rightly or not you have to accept that. All I can promise is that I will make it worth your while to stick with me."

It isn't fair to our partners, but actually they are getting something quite rare from us: a man who's faced his worst habit and has defeated it. A man aware of his failings, who has been able to change. A man who will go through the pains of hell to fix himself. So many wives out there, sadly live in ignorant bliss (or lack of bliss) with their husbands, never knowing that they are secretly using porn. Ours can know that they are no longer and never again in the dark. They know. They know we failed
in the past but also that we are not failing now.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @SimonM very much. That’s good stuff. I have given some thought as to how and when to say something like what you proposed. She’s not ready for that yet. Anything approaching an ultimatum or mild threat would probably be ill advised presently. But you are totally right that ironically the new me is about as risk free as you’re going to get. But these are my words (or yours) using my brain. She doesn’t see it like that at the moment. She doesn’t know how I feel inside obviously. She thinks I could go back to the old me in a heartbeat. My issues aren’t just porn, they’re also flirtatious behaviour and wanting every woman on the planet to think I am wonderful. That part of me is also being fixed but again she doesn’t know that for sure.

Thanks for weighing in brother. You’re a brick. Is that an English phrase?
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@GBS I think what happens when wives find out what has went on and we have the pain that often comes with that discovery, we then say to ourselves, this will never surprise me again. I know I wanted my husband to feel every nanopartical of pain I felt. But, as We worked through this I realized he couldn’t. Because he was not on the same side of the equation as me. So here I had all of the partner stuff (to be brief) and all he had to do was quit having the pleasure of porn. He walks away with no pain, no punishment, no revenge. I now know, from experience and the things he has said plus the things I read here that statement is not always true. But the walk away was a hard thought to get past.
 
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GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Gracie. The “walk away” is an interesting subject. My wife says she doesn’t want revenge, she just doesn’t think it’s fair. It obviously isn’t fair. It’s also cut your nose off to spite your face territory to say goodbye to someone you basically love and that someone is making a massive effort to save the marriage too.

We read about half of “Love you, hate the porn” together, but my wife found it too painful and raw. I also think the fact that we were doing it together was hard and painful for her. It seemed like we were doing something collaboratively to make it better and that felt like giving me a treat when I didn’t deserve one.

I do not feel as though I am not suffering pain. Although some of that pain is just mine and my own struggles. If I said I feel pain for what I have done it would be all too easy for her/you partners to say “sure you do” and scoff. But the fact is I do. And anyway right now there is no guarantee this will get better. It’s not resolved yet. We haven’t had sex since mid February. There are boundaries in place that haven’t moved in 9 and a half months. She may be happy for that to continue. She certainly hasn’t said otherwise. That said I think I would say there’s a strong chance we will get there in the end.

My own recovery is now 290 days sober. Also roughly 2 and a half weeks of no masturbation. It’s a new habit the non masturbation. It’s weird. I don’t have fantasy in my head constantly so it’s not as difficult to resist. Also not having fantasy used to feel like I had lost my sex drive and libido. I know that’s not the case, but living in that serene state is now the norm and it’s fine.

We persevere.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I feel like I should put a PS here. My husband did feel pain from his use. As we talked, he realized he had turned away from our boys. He did not attend their events and during this time treated them like employees. He turned away from grandchildren not going with me to see them. Once past porn and looking back he could not believe he did that. And then there was of course our relationship. It took us two years of working to get where we knew the marriage would be ok. As I said above he was on the other side of the equation. So hang in there and do not lose your commitment and hope. You are being your best you.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Gracie - appreciated. Obviously my situation doesn’t mirror yours but it has similarities. I am actively trying to understand the pain I caused and that is painful but I don’t need sympathy. I need understanding. My wife is trying to understand me in what I did and am doing. I think this is incredibly hard for her right now. If it takes two years then so be it. Tough on everyone involved but worth it in spades redoubled.
 

GBS

Respected Member
291 days sober.

Feel like death warmed up but that is because I have a virus. It’s just a cold. No, I am not a bad patient. No, I am not a hypochondriac.

I have much to do today, so being unwell is not an option.

Yesterday was a good day. Wife seems in a good mood. Gone is that slight tension of a few days ago. However very difficult to measure progress.

Stay true to yourselves, guys, and do not watch pornography.
 

GBS

Respected Member
292 days sober.

We got some appalling news yesterday but I feel that anonymity forbids me to say more. So I think it will probably mean for all sorts of respect related reasons that I will either be taking a break for a while, or keeping my posts short and sweet. To give context the news concerns someone very close to my wife.

Thank you in advance for your understanding.
 

GBS

Respected Member
294 days sobriety

Things are improving here. The very bad news is manageable for my wife and she’s naturally distracted but that’s understandable. I am being her rock (for once) so that’s good.

Perseverance and resolve and patience and empathy and constant deep love. That’s the list of watchwords. A good list.

A new guy (his second week) at SAA last night said he was conflicted coming to the meeting. He said it made him feel better but he thought he didn’t deserve to feel good at all. I spoke to him afterwards. I think he’s going to make changes. With the assistance of god/higher power and the new friends he has found he has a good chance. I will tell him about RN when I next see him.

Stay off the porn my friends. There isn’t one good thing about it. No, not one.
 

GBS

Respected Member
295 days

Thanks @Blondie .

For some inexplicable reason yesterday was very difficult in terms of pure sexual frustration. I wanted to have sex with my wife. I obviously didn’t and I also didn’t tell her. It just puts pressure on her and never makes me feel better when she reaffirms her boundaries. But I was REALLY climbing the walls. A good night’s sleep normally does the trick. Cue huge morning glory and cock in really thick mode. But I guess this is what they call a first world problem. I even want to write down on here what I would do if allowed but obviously I won’t for trigger related reasons.

Even with these intense frustrations the chance that I look at porn or a substitute is precisely zero.
 

Jlied

Active Member
295 days

Thanks @Blondie .

For some inexplicable reason yesterday was very difficult in terms of pure sexual frustration. I wanted to have sex with my wife. I obviously didn’t and I also didn’t tell her. It just puts pressure on her and never makes me feel better when she reaffirms her boundaries. But I was REALLY climbing the walls. A good night’s sleep normally does the trick. Cue huge morning glory and cock in really thick mode. But I guess this is what they call a first world problem. I even want to write down on here what I would do if allowed but obviously I won’t for trigger related reasons.

Even with these intense frustrations the chance that I look at porn or a substitute is precisely zero.
My friend, you are a rock and your determination is that of a terrier. Thank you for showing us all that despite less than ideal circumstances you can still tow the line. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you are an inspiration.
 

Jlied

Active Member
I was talking about your approach to sobriety, of course you loyalty rivals a Labrador and you capacity to love is like that of a mother octopus……I sir would be honored to be one of yiur hatchlings!
 
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