Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Jlied

Active Member
[utter silence……..a sense of disbelief………the curtain closes]
Indeed, I’ve trashed my reputation here as upstanding and sensible….in two days I tore down everything I’ve worked months on 🤣
 

GBS

Respected Member
That was fun…..

323 days. I am going to discuss a few things with my therapist today.

1. cycle of addiction. You may know it. Basically I am in dormant phase, and then there’s trigger, prep, act out, regret, dormant- something like that. Question is if my triggers are few and when they come I do not succumb to the urge, have I got off the cycle?
2. Mrs GBS - who was super nice to me yesterday. I don’t know why. I also wonder if not missing intimacy is a ruse, and she realises she hurt me deep down. I can’t say that out loud obviously for fear of her saying something back that just tips me right back. What a fucking coward I am sometimes.
3. Whether I need weekly therapy.

Masturbation: for me arguably the most interesting mind fuck of the whole reboot, and central to the problem. No kid gets lessons on how to do it carefully so we learn our own ways. I reckon the majority get off by watching porn or worse internet distractions, then there’s a fair chunk who do it to fantasy, and there will be some who do it mindfully but not many I reckon.

i am approaching 11 months clean. I think I have had 9 or 10 wanks which isn’t many. Obviously less than one a month. It’s not easy when one gets aroused. Curiously with my wife’s recent outburst about not missing sex, I do still fancy her knickers off, so no respite here. And here’s another thing, remember I am 60 here, back in the past couple of years, I would masturbate much more often, but honestly it was like waking fir my balls to fill up….so they were running close to empty and my dick would be harder to arouse during the 24 hours after a wank. But now, we’re running on full, and literally 30 minutes after I last masturbated I could have done so agai, and possibly three times in one day. I am not going to try this experiment. It’s just a nice (and agonisingly frustrating) feeling.
 

GBS

Respected Member
324 days.

Not much to say following therapy. I am seemingly getting slowly off the cycle of addiction but must be wary of cognitive distortions. In other words kidding yourself something is ok when it’s not. A good example being me not grtt any sex means surely I can replace that with something. Answer, no you can’t.

Wife was super nice yesterday. It’s like someone told her that I was hurt too much. We will see if this continues. It’s interesting at the very least.

Despite ejaculating a few days ago my balls are so full and my morning glory was the size of a baby’s arm if the baby was a bit overweight and worked out at the gym.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
OFDD, that is, Obsessive Functional Dick Disorder. A disorder where the patient loses sleep thinking about how great and large their newly found manhood is. Don't fret, I have it too :cool:

They say it's not curable and can often be terminal. With the patient experiencing life for the first time as a real man, a new man.
 

GBS

Respected Member
325 days clean.

Wife in very good mood. The tiniest hint of affection with a tiny two second back rub yesterday. Way too experienced to read too much into this all. There is, up to a point, something relaxing about there being no pressure on me to suggest or initiate sex. Obviously I can’t. So if/when she finally feels like she’s got some libido back, she will have to be the one who suggests something and that’s very exciting. Also frustrating. Very frustrating.

I had an urge this morning and stopped myself acting on it….I would only have MO’d of course, but I resisted. I know this seems crazy but I am very pleased with that discipline.
 

GBS

Respected Member
It’s 7am in the morning, and I had my first laugh. Nice one J gangster.

I really do talk about it too much, and I am surprised others are talking about it too. But I am possibly the oldest man on here and therefore my death grip wanking history is potentially longer than anyone else’s. Conservatively 45 years is doing it. Not sure what counts as gripping too hard, but when you’re on your tenth wank of the day (which is what I was capable of doing when I was 17) we’re talking a lot of gripping. Let’s do the numbers.

So 15-18 reckon an average of 2 per day. 4 years = 3000
19=29 let’s go four times a week because there was some sex albeit failed marriage in there. = 2000
30=39 less because more actual sex so twice a week = 1000
40-60 less because older and had children and a fair bit of sex earlier in that period too = 500.
Grand total of 6,500 wanks. Honestly that sounds low to me, but statistics are what they are. That’s a lot of times where I had to squeeze to get the juice out. And so I reckon I harmed my penis more than you guys, and luckily the repair job has happened. You’d better believe it.


326 Days of not watching porn.. I used this analogy in the SAA meeting last week: losing porn and fantasy is like a very dear friend leaving. Let’s make the friend a male one to avoid confusion. And he’s leaving on a big cruise liner and I come to wave him off. It’s sad, but I am glad he’s going. I can’t turn the boat around, but I keep waving and waving. Eventually he doesn’t wave back. I keep looking at the ship as it gets towards the horizon, I can’t tear my eyes off the ship. A tiny little piece of me hopes the ship will somehow get a fault and have to come back, but it’s only a tiny bit. My friend will be a lot happier where he’s going to and if I don’t see him ever again, it’s ok. After all he wasn’t ultimately a great person and I followed his less than perfect example.

We shall see how this ends. One day.
 
:sneaky: Hey I'm over 60 by a few years, GBS, and your story sounds somewhat similar to mine. I've been P free since the New Year (resolution of course) and actually feel much better about myself and so far it hasn't been all that difficult...at least to this point. I didn't think I'd make it the first week!
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @GraceFanatic - I am thrilled you’re here. Do you write your own journal? I would encourage it. Not only do you get great advice here but you get lifted up and understood, and of course it’s fun and a brilliant alternative to doing the wrong thing.

Glad you’re not struggling, but don’t be complacent. Would love to hear your full back story. Do tell.
 

GBS

Respected Member
327 days.

Not much to say. We seem to be doing well. The level of affection is very slightly greater, but not much. I am losing that feeling of utter frustration and I can’t decide if that’s good news or bad. Am I anaesthetised against the pain of this struggle? I think I know the answer. Thanks brain. It’s the brain. When hopes have been serially dashed nearly every day for the thick end of a year, you start to accept the status quo. This is not the same as giving up. I am sti;; hopeful just not in such a desperate panicky way. I think there’s some self preservation in there because living with deep frustration is actively quite exhausting. So my brain is calming me down so I don’t have a heart attack.

The weird thing is that my wife’s increased affection started about 3 days after our last major argument where she’d said she didn’t miss intimacy or sex at all. So what I fear is that the increase of affection is just from feeling sorry for hurting my feelings.

I have a ton of things to do today, so that’s good on so many levels.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Sir Geebs, perhaps there is truth to both sides of your thinking with regard to the wife, I’m sure she is in part showing remorse for her words and is apologizing in a way she is familiar, perhaps her outburst about her feelings towards intimacy has cause her to realize maybe that isn’t how she really feels, perhaps it woke her up a bit.

Regardless, I don’t she would be treating you kindly with affection just to get a rise out of you to then just dash your hopes again. Just my 2 penn’orth though.

perhaps your desensitization to feeling hopeful about intimacy is a mode of self preservation, perhaps it’s your brain adjusting. I would never have believed when I stopped consuming porn I could go without almost daily masturbation, but in time I’ve realized it really isn’t vital to the day to day dealings of life. So now I don’t do it at all and honestly there really isn’t anything I miss about it now as well. Perhaps you changing your focus in the hope for intimacy has caused you to now focus on other things and less on the never ending wait? I see it as growth and not self preservation. I think you’re focusing on other things that you’ve deemed more important now than playing what if, and I’m here for it. Keep doing your thing my friend.
 

Jlied

Active Member
perhaps there is truth to both sides of your thinking with regard to the wife, I’m sure she is in part showing remorse for her words and is apologizing in a way she is familiar, perhaps her outburst about her feelings towards intimacy has cause her to realize maybe that isn’t how she really feels, perhaps it woke her up a bit.
Wow, I used perhaps 3 times in the first paragraph…..I think I need a thesaurus 😂🤣😂……🫠🫠
 

GBS

Respected Member
328 days. Why do I like even numbered days more than odd ones? I am fucking weird.

@Jlied my friend, thanks for your kind words. Growth not self preservation, beautiful words. Perhaps is a good word too. Truthfully though, your words are very helpful. You seem to understand my state if mind and yet we’ve never met……spooky and amazing. You have great talent.

Today is interesting: there is a good karma. Mrs Geebs had a therapy session. I try not to get her to spill the beans after a session as it comes off as desperate. That said, I was slightly hoping she’d open up. She did a bit. Nothing earth shattering folks, but an admission that she discussed “connection” and how she felt there was more and an agreement to move sofas round in our TV room such that we’re together and not apart when we binge watch something on Netflix. Quick plug for Baptiste if Netflix in the US shows what ours does over here in the fucking freezing UK. Ace police crime drama thang.

So hope springs eternal. Trying desperately not to get too carried away but failing. Oooh….I also filed my tax returns……that gets weight metaphorically off the shoulders. So I am feeling about as good as I have in a long time. It could still go horribly wrong, but we live for today and tomorrow is a separate challenge.

Geebs dick watch: thanks for asking, just great. The biggest difference physically (apart from growth) is that in total state of rest (right now being a great example) it takes up a lot more space in my underwear. In other words it doesn’t have a shrivelled mode anymore. I even found after I went swimming a few weeks back that it was still pretty impressive after 40 minutes doing lengths in a cold(ish) pool. Maybe there’s something wrong with it. Hi doc, cock’s too big, what do I do? Geebs, nothing we can do about it. Soz. Boo hoo.
 

Jlied

Active Member
my friend, thanks for your kind words. Growth not self preservation, beautiful words. Perhaps is a good word too. Truthfully though, your words are very helpful. You seem to understand my state if mind and yet we’ve never met……spooky and amazing. You have great talent.
It’s not that I can read your mind, it’s just that have stalked you enough to track your habits and studied your writing enough to know your style! :devilish: Kidding of course. I think to a degree we all know parts of each other without having to express it because we’re all in here for one reason, we have problems controlling our behavior when it comes to porn, masturbation, or sex. We know what that struggle feels like and as such we already know things about each other without being verbal. But I do think we share some additional parallels in our lives which makes connection easier. For example, when I start getting over confident about the inhabitant in my pants I read your posts about yours and I get humbled 🫠. When I’m feeling down I read your posts and smile because I don’t like in the UK with you 🤣. It’s quite possible we could be bruthas from different Grandmuthas and I’m quite alright with knowing that could be the case.

keep doing you the way you have been. Your growing in all facets, soon there will be a day you’ll look at old photos and not recognize who you’re looking at.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Ezel - blessings upon you too, my friend. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and weirdly it’s the sort of thing I thought I would fail at. I didn’t think I had a backbone but I do have one. You guys helped me get it. I owe you so much.

And @Jlied ……once again my metaphorical crutch appears at the exact second I needed it. Anytime you want to come and visit you’re so very welcome. It’s lovely here if you like grey skies and light drizzle. Going to play golf tomorrow. Golf isn’t a game/sport. It’s a lesson in humility. It will do me good to get some more of that. Mediocre is m middle name when it comes to golf.

How did I get on to golf? Crazy Brits. Don’t you love ‘em?
 
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