Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Jlied

Active Member
Last month during Christmas break, my lady was out sick for most of it, and we hardly had sex, maybe once I think. Thus, I too didn't feel very horny during this time and was mostly okay with that. But, was this a flatline? Or since she wasn't in the mood maybe I wasn't in the mood? Who knows. I do think our sex drives should be like the seasons though, coming and going like the waves of the sea.
I like this a lot. Perhaps we’re just managing our urges better that we can adapt to our current climate. When I know that sex is in the table my libido is certainly there. But when I know our evenings are going to be busy or our schedules won’t align I don’t have urges for sex, I’m at peace knowing tonight it’s the night.

I also really like your 5 points, is that something you came up with on your own? I feel like everyone of them is an awesome goal to achieve. And I feel like even when you think you are there you can always achieve higher levels of those tenets
 

GBS

Respected Member
Gentlemen. Loving your essays on libido. I think I conclude that one shouldn’t be scared of a change in libido. Just because we had altered our brains to be almost completely sexed up all the time, it doesn’t mean a lower sex drive is less masculine. In fact the opposite. I won’t bang on about my own situation but mine will, I hope, adjust when sex is back sur la table (as the French say).

336 days sober. Really difficult SAA meeting last night. Relapse issues for some, another guy who can’t go to his daughter’s first birthday, just sad stories. I felt guilty and depressed and happy and strong. Quite a cocktail.
 

Jlied

Active Member
I think that goes to show no matter how bad you think you have it someone always has it worse. I couldn’t imagine not being able to be around my kids. I could handle divorce but not seeing my kids would be too much to bear.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @Jlied - yeah, me too. My kids are older So the issue doesn’t exist. You’re right, there’s always someone suffering more. I derive no comfort from that thought. Seeing people struggle is a hard gig. Also SAA is not group therapy so whilst one can have conversations afterwards, you can’t always help much. A new type of frustration. 🤷
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I like this a lot. Perhaps we’re just managing our urges better that we can adapt to our current climate. When I know that sex is in the table my libido is certainly there. But when I know our evenings are going to be busy or our schedules won’t align I don’t have urges for sex, I’m at peace knowing tonight it’s the night.

I also really like your 5 points, is that something you came up with on your own? I feel like everyone of them is an awesome goal to achieve. And I feel like even when you think you are there you can always achieve higher levels of those tenets
Yes, something tells that's the normal way having a healthy libido, the ability to adapt to our situation and not always feel "sexual", although I must admit, I'm still getting use to that feeling.

As far as I know, yes, I came up with those myself, at least in putting it all together. What can I say, I like bulleted list. :)

Those ideas have been helpful to me over this last recovery. I found myself in the early days (and still do sometimes), getting stuck in black and white thinking, thus, when my man didn't work, I felt like a eunuch, if he did work, I was a man again! This was not helping me, so I had to redefine for myself what it means to be masculine, even if sometimes physically I wasn't quite living up to that ideal. But masculinity, just as femininity, is more than just our material existence, it's archetype of both physical and metaphysical ideals and virtues. If one is not within our grasp at the moment, than the other one is for the taking. I have yet to master these completely, but I'm work in progress, as we all are. Better to look to sky for inspiration, than to the sewer in degradation.

Thank god through all of this, I always had my masculine fingers! :cool:

And yes @GBS, wherever our libidos settle down to, when all the dust of our recoveries has cleared, will be utterly masculine, no matter if our old selves would not understand.
 
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GBS

Respected Member
340 days sober. Had a short break from RN. It’s healthy to do that but I did miss you.

Been a difficult week. Wife had quite a go at me on Wednesday. But upshot is that she is willing to do couples counselling so we wait to see what next. There is a sense of tension and I wonder if this is a huge moment. It is utterly exhausting being thrown back into that shame state I was in last April and May. So obviously I am a bit depressed.

But I am clean now, so I do feel good about myself. Currently going hard mode until (at least) early March when I will be celebrating my first full year of sobriety. Hard mode is difficult and different each time I do it. You get these moments that last days when you feel very ready for anything. It’s a state of near arousal but not like you have to have sex. Just an inner feeling in your gut. You know the saying “gird up your loins”? I reckon my loins are as girded as they will ever be.
 

GBS

Respected Member
341 days.

Nothing much going on here. Status is quo. Balls are effing colossal. Tension level in house has dipped. I may be heading into coup,es counselling soon. I have to believe that’s positive.

Huge urges yo break my no MO streak which is about 3 weeks long at the moment I think. I wonder what the word is when you don’t wank, or edge, but you get your fella into the super podgy mode. That has been a bit of a routine. I’m 60 and I sound like I’m a teenager, right?
 

GBS

Respected Member
342 days sober. No MO about 20 days or so.

If I were ever to write a book on the subject of recovery (I won’t) it would concentrate very hard on the psychology and habits of masturbation. There’s a line in a well known Hugh Grant film, I think it’s Four weddings and a funeral…Grant says something like “well that’s like asking whether you masturbate or not”. It’s ages ago since I first watched that film but I can recall thinking….oooh, that’s a bit naughty….probably everyone wanks. Well, of course….everyone (I suppose I am talking about men)) wanks. It’s not a mystery although at the time I had this frisson of guilt (I was younger then!). No one talks about it so at a younger age you can convince yourself that you’re a bit of a freak doing it so often and maybe perhaps not everyone does it at all……then you wake up and go “Really?”

So the facts:
Almost all men wank. And most do it quite often. There may be some who don’t because they have perfect sex lives of course.

What we think about when we wank is up to us, but we should be very careful about that. Almost all men wank just to get the thrill of ejaculation. Then it’s habit and then it spirals yadda yadda yadda.

So the nub of the book I will never write is about breaking a life long habit. Why do it? How you cope with it. What you become as a result. It got me thinking a few days ago…..did men wank as much 500 years ago? I am going for a definite no on that, but they still did it. What about 5000 years ago? What about cavemen 2.5 million years ago? Did they wank? I am going for yes on that But again, less than 21st century man. Why wouldn’t they? Answer should be because they have a mate and the mate satisfies them and vice versa.

What did God intend? Sorry to bring God into this. When we were made, did our maker want us to do this wanking? No. Maybe a tiny bit to keep you sane, but he gave us men the greatest gift of all…..women.

I will stop writing this interminable drivel. My point is this - the reboot for me is only partly about erasing porn from my life. That was difficult initially, but the hard part is not masturbating. If I do, I just keep the neural pathways open. So get used to a different feeling. Indeed the new feeling is the one where previously you just wank to release the tension. Now you live with the tension. That’s what life is like. It sometimes takes your breath away. But it is utterly life affirming. If you’re reading this and you’ve never tried 30 days without wanking, then I thoroughly recommend it. You will learn so much about yourself.

I will let you know when I hear more about couples counselling. It’s very exciting. I don’t think this current situation will just drift, so that’s got to be good news. The end, whether it be good or bad, is in sight. My wife looked good enough to eat yesterday. I am starting to trigger myself so I had better stop.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
You should definitely write that book @GBS, and if you ever do, let me know buddy 😉.
Hope those counseling sessions get the two of you more close than ever before, God bless you and your family.
Sending love.
 
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joepanic

Respected Member
342 days sober. No MO about 20 days or so.

If I were ever to write a book on the subject of recovery (I won’t) it would concentrate very hard on the psychology and habits of masturbation. There’s a line in a well known Hugh Grant film, I think it’s Four weddings and a funeral…Grant says something like “well that’s like asking whether you masturbate or not”. It’s ages ago since I first watched that film but I can recall thinking….oooh, that’s a bit naughty….probably everyone wanks. Well, of course….everyone (I suppose I am talking about men)) wanks. It’s not a mystery although at the time I had this frisson of guilt (I was younger then!). No one talks about it so at a younger age you can convince yourself that you’re a bit of a freak doing it so often and maybe perhaps not everyone does it at all……then you wake up and go “Really?”

So the facts:
Almost all men wank. And most do it quite often. There may be some who don’t because they have perfect sex lives of course.

What we think about when we wank is up to us, but we should be very careful about that. Almost all men wank just to get the thrill of ejaculation. Then it’s habit and then it spirals yadda yadda yadda.

So the nub of the book I will never write is about breaking a life long habit. Why do it? How you cope with it. What you become as a result. It got me thinking a few days ago…..did men wank as much 500 years ago? I am going for a definite no on that, but they still did it. What about 5000 years ago? What about cavemen 2.5 million years ago? Did they wank? I am going for yes on that But again, less than 21st century man. Why wouldn’t they? Answer should be because they have a mate and the mate satisfies them and vice versa.

What did God intend? Sorry to bring God into this. When we were made, did our maker want us to do this wanking? No. Maybe a tiny bit to keep you sane, but he gave us men the greatest gift of all…..women.

I will stop writing this interminable drivel. My point is this - the reboot for me is only partly about erasing porn from my life. That was difficult initially, but the hard part is not masturbating. If I do, I just keep the neural pathways open. So get used to a different feeling. Indeed the new feeling is the one where previously you just wank to release the tension. Now you live with the tension. That’s what life is like. It sometimes takes your breath away. But it is utterly life affirming. If you’re reading this and you’ve never tried 30 days without wanking, then I thoroughly recommend it. You will learn so much about yourself.

I will let you know when I hear more about couples counselling. It’s very exciting. I don’t think this current situation will just drift, so that’s got to be good news. The end, whether it be good or bad, is in sight. My wife looked good enough to eat yesterday. I am starting to trigger myself so I had better stop.
mmmmmmm very interesting stuff here food for thought for sure
This woman,,,, She makes me hungry
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Please write that book @GBS, I would read it.

You truly are rocking it. And I'm glad to hear that things are looking good for you and the missus.

You definitely are right, everyone should refrain from masturbation for 30 days. It definitely puts your life on steroids.
 

Jlied

Active Member
very interesting questions, most would require a degree of research to accurately answer, but I believe primates masturbate, I don’t know how often but I have heard about this. Do they do it for pleasure or just for release? Again, i don’t know, but my guess theirs is less about pleasure and more about satisfying a need? I think maybe for humans we have turned it into a source of pleasure as our brains seem to have the complexity to take advantage of the euphoria that follows. I guess the next question is do primates feel the same level or euphoria that we do during orgasm?……why am I so focused on primates? I should end now!

anyway, let me know when the book signing is, I’d like a photo and an autograph.
 

GBS

Respected Member
So said Churchill “Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts”.

I am not a great one (on here) for quoting others. I love quotes but one can get too many in your head, and then your brain says - I can’t cope, let’s forget the lot. So unhelpfully ….see above. It’s a good one but feel free to forget it. In a nutshell it says believe in yourself and don’t give in. That’s definitely my mantra. I love that success isn’t some sort of goal you get to and then you relax and stop. I also like that failure isn’t the end either. It’s about mindset.

Meanwhile…I actually Googled “did 16th century man masturbate?” Answer yes. More complicated answer - man has done this since the dawn of time (how do they know?). Over centuries the taboos and religious fervour as to whether it was healthy or right have prevented some people, but they did it….that’s for sure (apparently). Very obviously they had only their own thoughts to do it to. It won’t be the problem it is today but some degree of addiction would have existed literally for thousands of years. In other words, unhealthy obsessive masturbation will have happened preventing good sex for many centuries too. It’s worse today but I conclude this is not a 21st century problem, just a way worse one today. That’s another chapter for the book I won’t write! Oops I just broke one of my New Year’s resolutions which was to eradicate overuse of exclamation marks.

343 days sober. Cake recipes are being researched.

Stay clean readers.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Oops I just broke one of my New Year’s resolutions which was to eradicate overuse of exclamation marks.
Hey I've been trying to do that too :cool:, also less cussing in my writing. I think I've been somewhat successful, except for when I'm not.
Cake recipes are being researched.
Cake is good, a beer together would be better though. I like beer bread, is there any such thing as beer cake? Actually, that doesn't sound very good. Scratch that.

Keep killing it sir! Shit I did it again. :(
 
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Simon2

Well-Known Member
It won’t be the problem it is today but some degree of addiction would have existed literally for thousands of years. In other words, unhealthy obsessive masturbation will have happened preventing good sex for many centuries too. It’s worse today but I conclude this is not a 21st century problem, just a way worse one today.

For myself, I am noticing that when porn is not available (either actually, or because of my firm mindset) I masturbate WAY less. And I'm not actively trying not to. So based on my sample of one, I would guess that while men always did it, it may not have been a pathological thing for most of them... It's just not as exciting without the novelty and escalation factor of P. I am also guessing that teenagers may have always done it A LOT, but that once men were in a stable relationship, and the hormones settled a bit, it would be much less if no P is available.

To a degree that's where the idea may come from that M is perfectly normal and healthy - because in a pre-P world, it may mostly have been! We definitely live in a unique time in human history, where literally millions of men around the world are jerking off at any particular moment. Man - the image that conjures...
 

Jlied

Active Member
For myself, I am noticing that when porn is not available (either actually, or because of my firm mindset) I masturbate WAY less. And I'm not actively trying not to. So based on my sample of one, I would guess that while men always did it, it may not have been a pathological thing for most of them... It's just not as exciting without the novelty and escalation factor of P. I am also guessing that teenagers may have always done it A LOT, but that once men were in a stable relationship, and the hormones settled a bit, it would be much less if no P is available.

To a degree that's where the idea may come from that M is perfectly normal and healthy - because in a pre-P world, it may mostly have been! We definitely live in a unique time in human history, where literally millions of men around the world are jerking off at any particular moment. Man - the image that conjures...
I second this, I remember when I first discovered M, I abused the new found activity for a bit, this was all ore porn mind you, it was simply for the good feelings that accompanied it. I do remember when I had my first girlfriend i rarely partook in masturbation. It wasn’t until my late teens and high speed internet became more affordable that we finally had it at our house. That for me is when PMO really started for me and for a long time I never turned back.
 
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