Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Respected Member
I promise you it isn’t that interesting @joepanic - I live in the country in the UK. Can literally be in the fields in 3 minutes. I do it every day. My wife used to but she has a leg injury and so I go on my own. Dogs tit about and sniff everything. I walk and ponder my odd life. The dogs adore me. I am their hero.

My golf: go and watch 10 minutes of PGA tour golf……done it? Right that’s the polar opposite to my game. Aerosol would be a kind word.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Just sort of pickin your brain GBS. In my opinion Golf to me really is a good walk gone bad. On tele it's like watching paint dry. English Countryside is always nice
 

GBS

Respected Member
362 days.

Had chat with wife earlier. Hmmmm……I am getting worried again. Sometimes I think it’s a certainty we’ll pull through. Then she says something and I reckon it’s 50/50. Sadly the conversation (which is too dull to explain) leaves me nearer the 50/50 again. This is not a “poor me” post. I just tried clearing the air because neither of us had said a word on the subject for a good week.

I think I will just leave it there. Stay clean my friends.
 

Jlied

Active Member
I feel for you my friend. I know we’ve had plenty of conversations on the topic, I think the only thing I can offer as a sort of perspective is our significant others spent years enduring our behavior, whether they is new and said nothing or simply sensed the change in who we became (withdrawn, easily agitated, angry, uninterested…..). I think it’s quite easy for us to want to move past the dysfunction we created because part of it we know is unintentionally caused, some of it a calculated risk we took knowing it could blow up in our faces. We want to move on because we are sorry for our actions and we have worked hard to correct those negative behaviors and urges. It’s easy to get frustrated after a long solid year of positive gain, however, it’s a wee bit selfish (an addict selfish?) for us to assume our significant others should be past it in the same amount of time. Our behaviors changed them too, sometimes what we changed them into May not be able to be reversed, maybe they just aren’t willing to change for us again. For some of us it took years for us to break them, for others we broke them in a second. Either way I think patience is the word. They were patiently waiting for us to fix this shit on our own, some did before they were outed…..but many like me were not able or willing to fix it before it hit rock bottom. For that I have to remind myself every time I get irritated when my wife has a bad day, or is triggered, or is just having a hard day as memories of pain invade her mind that I caused Al of this. Sure there are other underlying things that all relationships have that need work, but if I had made better decisions years ago I wouldn’t be having to deal with hard days as infrequent as they may be.

just my thoughts, it’s easy to get dejected when short term success isn’t applauded…..perhaps slow and steady really is the way to win the race.
 

GBS

Respected Member
363 days

Thanks for your unending support @Blondie . Two days away from the big one.

To @Jlied - thanks so much, my friend, I slightly needed to hear that. A year isn’t that long a length of time. I think the thing that rankles most is a slight feeling that progress since July - a time where she said to me I was to back off, give her space, respect all boundaries, let her work on her own self rather than she help my recovery - progress has been almost non existent. Th conversation we had on Sunday was almost a word for word repeat of one we had back in September. So I have been very patient, but I need to be even more patient. This I shall do.

Now do deal with the swelling baby’s arm. Cold shower. Brrrrrrrrrrr…….
 

Jlied

Active Member
363 days

Thanks for your unending support @Blondie . Two days away from the big one.

To @Jlied - thanks so much, my friend, I slightly needed to hear that. A year isn’t that long a length of time. I think the thing that rankles most is a slight feeling that progress since July - a time where she said to me I was to back off, give her space, respect all boundaries, let her work on her own self rather than she help my recovery - progress has been almost non existent. Th conversation we had on Sunday was almost a word for word repeat of one we had back in September. So I have been very patient, but I need to be even more patient. This I shall do.

Now do deal with the swelling baby’s arm. Cold shower. Brrrrrrrrrrr…….
I think the biggest thing, and it’s only something you can know, is your wife working to get better? It takes 2 to make a relationship work and at some point she has to commit or quit, but that’s the part that only you will know. It sounds like progress has been little to nil in the last 6 months, I know everyone heals differently, but if in another 6 months to a year if nothing has changed perhaps you reserve the right to start asking her the hard questions and kind of stand on your moral high ground to help make your point. If she doesn’t want to address what ails her then I don’t know if it’s fair to continually drag you through the ringer in order for her to justify her feelings

at any rate you’ve got a big date coming up and I’m so happy for you. You seem to be well in yiur way to living out the rest of your days in control of your fate and not giving that power to porn or masturbation. You’re a bad ass if there ever was one!
 

GBS

Respected Member
Cheers @Jlied - there’s one tincy wincy little problem with me forcing her hand, be it in 6 months time or another year. I am still in love with her. I am not less in love because of the abstinence I have been forced into. I am frustrated by the lack of progress to the point of desperation. But can you turn yourself away from love? I can’t. It would have to come from her. That, of course, is entirely possible.

Having said that, I am at peace with myself now. I may not be the most desirable 60 year old on the planet, but the CV reads a lot better than it did a year ago. And being at peace is a wonderful thing.

I read someone else’s posts for the first time the other day - can’t remember whose, but in one of the other bracketed forums - he had some chart about giving up porn, and the headline I took from it was that the 6-12 month period is when most get their relapses. Also that you can’t say you’ve got through the addiction until you’re 2 years sober. That makes my current position still very fragile. Obviously his chart was generalising, and we’re not all the same. So I am at peace but not complacent. The chart was humbling and depressing and also very helpful.
 

Jlied

Active Member
there’s one tincy wincy little problem with me forcing her hand, be it in 6 months time or another year. I am still in love with her. I am not less in love because of the abstinence I have been forced into. I am frustrated by the lack of progress to the point of desperation. But can you turn yourself away from love? I can’t.
Well put, and I didn’t mean to imply you leaving her was because sex was far too important, to a man it’s important, but is it worth giving up on love for? It’s a hypothetical question you play with friends hoping or knowing each question wouldn’t come true. And this one is a hard one.

I think it would be a selfish motivation to give up on love because a lack of sex, sex as we know is far more intimate than just getting off, or should I say sex is far more enjoyable when you have a great connection with the person you are having sex with.

I just meant if she’s not trying how long do you kill yourself to impress her. Probably is no right answer. Your gut and heart will tell you. But it wound be because you didn’t try or didn’t change. You’ve done that. And as far as I can see the ball is slowly rolling on to her court for the next round of decision making.
 

GBS

Respected Member
I think the conversation we’re nearly having dear @Jlied would be one best accompanied by a couple of really nice bottles of red wine and some cheese. I sometimes think of a response to these massive questions and then get half way through writing only to find I haven’t said what I wanted to say and I have suddenly got to end my post because something else more pressing is upon me. There is so much I could say.

I will say this though: there is a conundrum in my situation where they will surely be a point where I can’t go on, I just can’t imagine where it is. Sometimes, post a difficult chat where I am put back in my box, I can see where that point is very clearly. Then I take a deep breath and when I have calmed down (and her too of course) I realise I am just frustrated. Bottom line is that I can persevere because I am very strong mentally now. This strength I did not possess a year ago….actually 10 months ago when I started on here I was mentally still fragile. But I am tough as teak now.

I am also 364 days clean from porn. Meaning I am on my 365th day right now. I ought to be composing an essay for tomorrow but I will probably end up doing what I said above, and start the tome but not finish it. We shall see. Cakes in the oven guys.
 

Jlied

Active Member
1677690752192.gif
Congratulations my friend! Quite the accomplishment. Now get back to work because one year is not the rest of your life abstaining from porn. Don’t get complacent, take it from me, bad habits sneak in easily and quietly.

but for real, I couldn’t be happier for you! Now someone mentioned something about some sangria and American cheese slices……
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Congrats @GBS! This is amazing, I'm so happy for you. What a different man you are today compared to the man only a year ago. Hell, even just the man you were when you first came to RN is completely different.

Thanks for all the encouragement and laughs over the last while, I'll never forget it.

I definitely nominate you to be Knighted! 🇬🇧🇬🇧

Sir GBS, you're killing it.
 

GBS

Respected Member
365 days porn free. It’s just a number but it’s a good one, I freely admit.

I don’t have time to write an essay but I will say this:

Reboot Nation is part of my success. Not sure how much but a large chunk. Let’s focus on what a “reboot” is. It’s about stopping just about everything one did that was destructive to oneself and by extension to others. When you reboot you are trying to get back to factory settings. In our world getting the brain to function as it did before we screwed with it. It’s probably technically impossible to find factory settings because that was when we were children. But we all know most of our failings. Remembering all of them, or dredging them up, is actually nigh on impossible.

So we learn a few things from that:

1. Perfect is the enemy of good. We can be good but we can’t be perfect. Seeking perfection is a waste of time.
2. Being true to oneself sounds obvious but is so hard. We, some of us, have almost no idea who we really are because we had become such distorted feeble people. I am still working on this one.
3. Fixing ourselves, when there’s so much to fix, is exhausting and frustrating. Temptation lies around every corner. Rebooting is really hard when there’s so much to correct. So we focus (or I did) on the porn problem. That’s probably similar issue for most of us here. Different levels of addiction but all addicted.
4. Staying off porn is really hard. I focus not just on the negative, but on how I feel having kept away from it. The first few weeks are borderline hell. But as soon as you recognise some difference in yourself, hang on to that for dear life. This is what you will become. You’re a better person. You may feel like hell, you may be biting off your nails, but you are fixing your brain slowly but surely. That’s an overused phrase. Slowly is important because there’s a long road ahead. But the word “surely” is vital. It’s definitive, it’s an absolute certainty. Your brain will get better as long as you stay disciplined.
5. Anyone who has trawled through my journal will know I am a strong advocate for no masturbation. Or at least keeping it to a bare minimum. Is that hard? Oh yes…..really not what I was expecting……new feelings came often….some were amazing core feelings, some were frustrations that could not be described, some were flatline asexual feelings that make you wonder if you’re still a man. No masturbation is just something I advocate, but I accept it can be too difficult for many. But consider what your brain wants and what one gives it by masturbation not to porn but probably to fantasy. To me the reboot was going to be way slower if I masturbated , say, weekly. So I did it about once a month….but also I tried a three month stretch without (August, September, October). That was one of the most difficult exercises I have ever done. My brain rebooted massively during that time.

Going to write more later - this is sort of part 1. Thanks guys. I will talk about you lot in part 2.
 

GBS

Respected Member
And part 2…..

It’s my success but I share it with you all. I had no idea what to expect when I jumped on here. As I have said before, forums were not my thing. I am an enormous snob and thought one could easily end up just being carried along by the fervour of those who just like a good gossip. I could not have been more incorrect.

Back in May 2022 when I started writing I was getting almost daily triggers. I dealt with them by coming on here. It was my safe place and I discovered you lot, and you’re the same as me. You’re a bunch of useless, screwed up wankers, and I love you for it. I started reading the journals. I possibly spent an hour a day on here sometimes more. I read the partners section and nearly threw up reading a version of what my wife probably thinks. I read stories of others in this 40+ bracket thinking we’ll be most alike. Then I delved into other forums of the 30s and the 20s. We’re all very similar. We cry for help and guess what……amazingly WE ARE HEARD.

It’s amazing. It’s a drug in itself. We are not alone. Some write more than others. Some people are sympathetic or empathetic. Some give you books and articles. Some carry you along with their stories. But actually we all hear fight against the one thing that destroyed us or our relationships- pornography. Porn is weird. It’s not the same as cigarettes. Everyone knows cigarettes are bad for you. Those who smoke , and it’s a relatively low percentage of the adult population, know it’s harmful and they have a fairly good idea how much harm. Porn is different. I know it’s not just a problem for men, but I will speak on the male perspective. Men in general know it’s not something to be proud of. It’s shameful really. We don’t talk about it in the pub. We almost always look at it when we’re alone. Almost all of hid it. But whilst we weren’t proud of it we had no idea of the damage it was doing to us and our brains and to our partners by extension.

Even now after a year I have to remind myself that it is the naughtiest of dirty habits, and by naughty I do not mean anything sexual. It plays directly into our cortex. We get instant pleasure. We can still question why it can be wrong if it’s giving us pleasure and not hurting anyone else.

Because we can still cognitively distort after a year, we need to be incredibly careful.

I am carrying on. I can’t do the naming people thing today, because I would need to thank you all in a way that meant something and I would leave someone out and that would be heresy. So, and I include you lovely lurkers too, I remain in your debt. I am going to stay on here and fight the good fight.

By the way to those following my soap opera story - she’s being really sweet these last three days. Thanks for asking.

I am also 10 days no MO. Swe you soon. GBS x
 
Top